Help working through emotions......

[Sjmar 141]

Hey guys. I'm not sure if you have any advice (lol or if I need a shrink) but everyone has been so helpful with everything else I thought I'd give it a shot. It's a bit of a long story to get all context but I'll try to make it as concise as I can.

 

Hubby and I started dipping our toes in the LS a few months ago. We originally were playing girl/girl only, boys keep to their own partner. Our desire to play was about me reconnecting to my bisexuality and him getting to see me with another woman. Was crazy nervous about first play, but it went fantastic (and so did the second, lol and third....)

 

Then hubby started fantasizing about mfm. Loooong story short with that one, we decided to try it, carefully choosing a male. I think we may need some more experience under our belt to get really comfy, but overall it was a great experience. (Included that just for the context that I've now been with another man)

 

We had kept the boundary of boys keeping to their own partner because I didn't know if I could emotionally handle seeing my husband touch/being touched by another woman (and when we first started this whole thing, he felt the same way, but that evolved pretty quickly into him being extremely aroused at the thought of my w another man). And here's where I'll interject the context of why i didn't know if I could handle it.......

 

From the time I was 15, I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship. He was physically, mentally and sexually abusive, a real piece of shit. One of the ways he abused me was cheating on me (pretty openly) and bullying/Intimidating/threatening me into having threesomes (w another girl). So I have this trauma of experiences where I was very unwillingly watching my partner touch/kiss/fuck someone else.....afterwards I would sob, and he would tell me to shut the fuck up. (yes I know what an awful awful place I was in my head I was to have allowed that, to have stayed....I've come a long, long way and now have the sweetest, more supportive and loving husband in the world).

So fast forward to now......

 

When we were at the club the other weekend, playing girl/girl, I had this passing thought that I wouldn't mind at all if she touched him or he touched her.

After some careful consideration, I decided to test the waters and see how some play between my hubby and another woman would feel to me. Maybe I would decide I didn't like it, maybe I would love it! I talked to the f half of a couple we have played with and become friends with, and asked how she would feel about opening up the boundary of them just touching each other (no kissing, no oral, etc.), and that if partway through play I wanted to change my mind I could, and if I got more comfy and wanted it to go farther we could. She was (is) fantastic, and said we could test the waters of whatever boundary I felt comfortable with (they are a full swap couple, but have happily played just g/g with us)

So Sunday we played, and when they touched each other I was totally fine. And then I was eating her pussy and the mood just struck...and I asked him to help me. And watching him lick her felt totally ok in that moment, no awkwardness. And then when I was fucking her w the strap on and she very politely asked if she could suck his dick, that felt totally fine, too! (And for the record, I touched and sucked her husband)

 

Now, a day and a half later, I'm having so many mixed feelings. This morning I thought about what happened and I wanted to cry, it made me feel sick......it's like I have ptsd or some shit. And I'm not sure if I should back off, or work to work through this, knowing that my husband is nothing like my scum ex, and just as our first play session felt totally emotionally healing (I was nervous before that, just g/g, wondering if I would be uncomfortable or anxious w him just seeing another naked woman, in a situation even remotely related to a 3sum), this could have the potential to be beautifully healing, too (or it could backfire).

 

Thank you to anyone who made it through this ridiculously long post, and even if no one responds I think writing it all out is helpful to me for sorting through it all in my head, but if anyone has anything to offer I would be grateful. Thank you

[Curiouscouple61 64]

First of all, can I say how incredibly amazing you are and proud you should be of yourself for not only getting away from that abusive scumbag, but finding a man who cares for you so much and considers your feelings in every way he possibly can. It is very common for women to get away from an abusive partner in the first place, but also incredibly common to wind up in the arms of another abusive man and repeat the cycle over and over. The fact that you broke the cycle is incredibly courageous and brave, so you have my utmost admiration for that.

 

You had an awful past history that left a permanent scar on you and that is completely understandable. It truly sounds like he was awful and I am sorry you had to go through that. Its not something that is easily forgotten. The fact is that the reaction you had was probably unavoidable because of that. And that's okay. But it sounds like you have a really great man who loves you and respects the hell out of you, and the girl on the other side was very respectful to you to, by respecting your boundaries until you, at least thought you were okay with it. In short, no one is at fault here. Not them, and especially not you. You feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. I think you did okay by not taking the whole thing too far and starting fairly light. If you feel this way now after that, its great that you didn't go full swap. Everyone in this situation sounds like good people and respectful, so I think that's great because it sounds like you can trust everyone here.

 

You are just starting to process something that gave you an emotional trigger, and it's only been just over a day. I suggest you confront those feelings and start the healing process now. You say you wanted to cry? I think you absolutely SHOULD cry if that's what you need to do. It will help you get past things. The next most important thing is to sit down and lay everything down to your husband: all of your feelings. Reassure him you aren't mad at him or blaming him, but you are processing some feelings and you will appreciate his support.

 

I have confidence you will get through this. I think you are right. You are experiencing PTSD. Now whether you will get over your reactions and be able to try this again without a similar reaction is not anything I think anyone could know, especially not me, but maybe take a break from the lifestyle for just a bit and spend some time with your husband. Just a suggestion, but I feel if it were me, a little solo lovemaking with my husband would help me to rebond with him and reestablish that connection you share in a way that will rebuild that confidence and probably help you get through this. You have a lot to process, but judging from what you have said, you have a lot of supportive people in your life and no one did anything intentionally disrespectful and in fact seemed to really take your feelings and comfort into account. Like I said, its no one's fault here. I am confident that after a bit of time processing this, you will be just fine. You sound like you have the amazing ability to heal and get past things. Maybe you'll be ready to try again later, or maybe you will just never quite be comfortable with it, but I think that is a decision to make later on. I think you will do great. Cry, talk about it with your husband, make love solo together, and I have a feeling you will be stronger then ever.

 

All my best

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

 

Keep your husband in the loop (communicate), but you need to work thru this. It's okay and good and kind of expected that you are feeling this way, but your husband isn't that guy...and you are no longer that girl. Take your time, but I think you are also taking the power that was taken away from you so long ago back.

[Sjmar 141]

Thank you both for the love! Last night we talked, cried a little (including him, it breaks his heart knowing what I went through) and then we made love- sweet, tender, whispered "I love you's" lovemaking that turned into fiery passion and loud, mindblowing orgasms for both of us. It was exactly what I needed

 

And goldcocouple, "taking my power back" is exactly my motivation for wanting to work through this (instead of just saying that him playing with another woman is something I want to abandon, which for the record my hubby would be 1000% ok with). I hate that my ex still has this power over me, that 12 years after escaping his cruelty he's still in my head, fucking with my emotions. He doesn't deserve that space in my head anymore.

 

Thank you to both of you for your support- this community is amazing

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think everything will be fine for you...no matter which way you decide to go. I was already formulating a point by point reply in my head, and then it dawned on my that only two words that you used in your post really told it all..."careful consideration". As long as you continue to give things careful consideration, then I don't think you have anything to fear. Careful consideration of the good, and careful consideration of the bad. On the good end of things, you thought about it first and decided to give it a try, and in that moment it was good, perhaps good enough it is something you will want to build on...after careful consideration.

 

On the bad side, instead of letting those feelings that came later (and understandably so given the horrible things you went through in the past) run wild, build upon themselves, and then control you, you have given careful consideration to WHY you were having those feelings and even whether you thought they were really valid in the context of what you had just experienced with your husband and playmates, or whether they were really only valid in the context of what had happened in the past but is still with you.

 

It's sad but true, some things we just can't leave totally behind us, and maybe that will be the case here. But, from everything you have shown yourself to be through your writings here on this site, I tend to think an old wound it about to become healed.

 

As an aside, I always love reading accounts of respectful and kind and caring playmates. It's what I know the swinging community to be, and it's always gratifying to hear others discover it too. Not really what you expected, is it? I know that for us, the depth of that came as a surprise but is our favorite thing about swingers and swinging.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Wow, Sjmar, I really have a lot of admiration for you. Your courage in ending things with that abusive man is impressive. And I'm even more impressed that you are courageously confronting the echoes of this traumatic past, being willing to risk reopening that old wound in order to have the chance of healing it. It speaks to the high level of trust and love that you have for your husband that you are willing to become vulnerable in this way. I think most people would have been willing to bury that past, try to forget it altogether, and not do a thing like swinging, that brings you nearer to those terrible memories. But I also hear your determination, your healthy and completely-justified anger, your motivation to work through this and, as GoldCoCouple said, take this power back. You've got guts, lady!!

 

I also want to mention that the words of one of our newer members, Curiouscouple61, are impressively excellent! Those comments are so thoughtful and eloquent- are you sure you've not been doing this for 20 years?

 

Of course, you should do whatever you think is best for your long-term happiness. Your reaction is completely understandable, given your history. I feel that, with more exposure to that trigger scenario, but in the loving, caring, respectful, considerate environment in which you experienced this most recently, you will eventually have that power back in your hands. You will take it back, and the pride you will feel for that is, well, kinda glorious! But I know you understand that there may be more emotions to work through, more PTSD-type reactions to events, and possibly some cases where an unwitting person might cause a setback along the way. I feel like you have the determination to persevere. But having said all that, and taking a step back, it's also true that this lifestyle is supposed to be fun! If you feel like the fun is being overshadowed by the pain, then by all means reevaluate.

 

One other thing. You mentioned, perhaps jokingly, that maybe you need a shrink. Personally, I think we could all use a shrink! But that idea is worth considering. We're giving you some amateur advice here, but there's absolutely nothing wrong in also having a professional to talk to, who can offer you an unbiased perspective that is informed by training and experience. Even the best football player has a coach on the sidelines!

 

Whatever to decide, I know you two will be OK. Hugs to you from here!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I know that you are strong enough to be able to do this all by yourself...isn't it great that you don't HAVE to do it all by yourself...that you have a great guy to be there with you to support you. Go girl!

[Sjmar 141]

Thank you thank you thank you so much for your support- you guys are amazing! Already feel much better and more clear headed about this, and (as I always am) supremely grateful for the amazing, compassionate, loving man I am blessed to have as a husband. He is all my good karma come back to me

[Curiouscouple61 64]

Be sure and keep us posted on how you are doing. I think we are all happy to hear you are doing better and we'd all love to know that you are still doing well.

 

I also want to mention that the words of one of our newer members, Curiouscouple61, are impressively excellent! Those comments are so thoughtful and eloquent- are you sure you've not been doing this for 20 years?

 

I'm humbled and incredibly flattered. Well, we may be new to the swingers scene, but emotions and feelings are universal. I truly believe that people are capable of giving some of the best advice to others, but can often find it impossible to give it to themselves. Everything is clearer through an external lens, so I'm always grateful when others give me this type of advice, because I know in my case that I can give good advice but can't keep it for myself.

[Sjmar 141]

Yes I will keep you posted! I'm feeling much better about all of it, but haven't repeated the scenario yet to see how I will feel (we had a wonderful weekend of playing just with each other).....we may play with that couple again this weekend, so fingers crossed! I also went to the mall with the lady of the couple on Sunday, just some girl-bonding time. I think building the friendship with her will go a long way in my comfort level

[EastInWest 1,524]

Yes I will keep you posted! I'm feeling much better about all of it, but haven't repeated the scenario yet to see how I will feel (we had a wonderful weekend of playing just with each other).....we may play with that couple again this weekend, so fingers crossed! I also went to the mall with the lady of the couple on Sunday, just some girl-bonding time. I think building the friendship with her will go a long way in my comfort level

 

I didn't feel like this was something I could speak to, but I'm really glad to see it's working out and that it's still playing out as a good experience for you.

[English Flames 26]

Be sure and keep us posted on how you are doing. I think we are all happy to hear you are doing better and we'd all love to know that you are still doing well.

 

 

 

I'm humbled and incredibly flattered. Well, we may be new to the swingers scene, but emotions and feelings are universal. I truly believe that people are capable of giving some of the best advice to others, but can often find it impossible to give it to themselves. Everything is clearer through an external lens, so I'm always grateful when others give me this type of advice, because I know in my case that I can give good advice but can't keep it for myself.

 

So true! We’re new as well. Like, we just had our first experience a week ago and it wasn’t with the right couple at all! I was dealing with a few mixed emotions and all the advice I’ve received on here gave me that last bit of perspective to move on and be okay with my feelings. You said it so eloquently, that some people can give others great advice,but they can’t give it to themselves.

Spot on!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

we just had our first experience a week ago and it wasn’t with the right couple at all! I was dealing with a few mixed emotions and all the advice I’ve received on here gave me that last bit of perspective to move on and be okay with my feelings.

 

It sounds like you are dealing with it well, and what you experienced isn't uncommon at all, in fact, we did the same thing ourselves with hoping something would work out that had we had a little more experience, we would have known for a fact wouldn't. It's almost to be expected really, after you've spent so much emotional energy getting to the point where you think you are ready for your first swinging experience, then it is hard to just keep putting it off.