Nervous about how I look

[jenn1024 16]

Hi! I've just found this forum. I guess I'm looking for some advice. My husband and I (both 36 years old) have been together for 5 years and we have talked about swinging for about 4 years. We are also both bi curious. The biggest thing holding me back is how I look. I've had children so I don't look how I used to. I have a lot of stretch marks and loose skin on my stomach and upper thighs and my breasts are now smaller and look kind of deflated. We have talked to some couples but all the women look "normal" and I feel so insecure. I know I looked like this when we got together and he says he thinks I look perfectly fine but I feel like I would be compared to other women and come up short and would ultimately be the ugly one in the room. Has anyone felt like this or had any experience with it?

[Flirtycup13 18]

My wife and I just started into all this a few months ago. She also has had kids, the last were twins. They really,as I say "kicked her body's ass". She started out very nervous and insecure. We went on couples dating sites and started talking with others( mostly men). We got a kik account and started chatting. While chatting, we would explain her worries and ask got understanding. Then send photos. Every time we did she got postive to very positive feed back. She found that most men are understanding and just enjoy women as a whole. I can tell you I have seen a crazy change in her confidence. She doesn't even worry near as much now. If nothing else comes from us trying this, I couldn't be happier with her new found self esteem. If u would like she could send u a pic and you could compare body's. Then talk with her directly. Good luck, I hope u start to see what your husband sees.

[jenn1024 16]

Thanks so much for your reply. If I could speak to her and maybe exchange pics the would be so great! I've actually felt pretty alone with this. And I've had a couple rude replies from men so that made it a whole lot worse.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

This is another common topic that comes up (almost always from the woman). First, women are their own harshest critics...men never see the flaws that most women can't see past. Second, people of EVERY background are in the LS. Tall, short, skinny,...not so skinny, attractive,...not so attractive. The LS is just a cross section of 'normal' life. I wish that there was some way to show women who are just starting out what a gathering of swingers look like. Our first trip to Desire...we met a couple on the beach there. They were both REALLY nice and we enjoyed talking with them. Of course they were both totally naked...and she was more than just a little overweight (trying hard to be nice here, but she really was...large), but she OWNED it. She knew she was heavy but she didn't let that bother her. They were both great people and we really enjoyed visiting with them. Bottom line here is there is ALWAYS going to be someone better looking/skinnier/with bigger breasts/etc than you have...but there is ALWAYS going to be someone less attractive as well and you are going to be in that middle somewhere and in spite of the impossibility of it, EVERYONE is going to find themselves in the middle. Men look at the entire package and not at the specifics while women want to dwell on the specifics. Most guys never think 'boy, she sure has some ugly hands', they instead think 'boy, she has a great smile', or she's smart or has wonderful ear lobes or whatever. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have the UGLIEST personalities.

 

Believe what Flirtycup said:

She found that most men are understanding and just enjoy women as a whole.

. While it's going to be hard for her to believe it until after it has happened, she will be just fine.

[Flirtycup13 18]

I will message you her email.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

...if she want to talk, you know where we live. Have her send a P/M and both of us would be happy to talk with her (and she can send a photo if she would like).

[Niknmik 161]

My husband and I are pretty new into the lifestyle and I felt very insecure because despite being at a healthy weight, I have loose skin and stretch marks and my boobs aren't what they used to be.

 

Our first experience went really well and the thing that helped me to just relax and let go was to realize that there isn't a person who has ever existed that would be every human being's cup of tea. I tend towards needing an emotional and mental connection to feel attraction, and my husband is mostly a man of simple tastes and because of that, we seem to have plenty of options for finding new friends and play partners. We had a really good talk last night because a much older couple we're trying to arrange a date with admitted they feel very apprehensive because we're by far the youngest couple that's shown interest. We've exchanged tons of pictures and they've repeatedly been like "We're not physically flawless" and while I am attracted to the vulnerability and honesty they've shown by talking to us, I know that the only way they'll probably fully put aside their fears is when we meet up. My husband made the point to me that porn isn't reality and it's ridiculous to judge yourself against it. I think he has a seriously valid perspective and I realized that yeah, I am really harsh to my body because I'm not looking at the human population as a whole, I'm looking at a tiny little slice that's airbrushed and produced and put under the exact right lighting.

 

I think as long as you're both going to be open, be a little vulnerable, and realize that you're gonna be having some fun with other human beings and not living sex toys, things will be ok. The swinging community isn't filled with airbrushed porn stars but real people with all sorts of physical attributes and all sorts of preferences.

[Sjmar 141]

I am a curvy mama myself. 165lbs at 5'3", 3 kids, 2 of them c-sections, with lots of stretch marks and a poochy belly. This journey has definitely increased my confidence in my beautifully imperfect body!! Both men and women seem to very much enjoy all my curves

[eruditesdw 29]

We felt the same way but all turned out just fine. In fact the first nice man we were with he cum in about a minute with my wife. And it was better the next time.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Willingness is sexy to me. If you are horny that makes me horny. I love women in all shapes and sizes. There is somebody for everybody.

[Mbgdallas 203]

First we have to understand that what we see in the magazines is fake and unrealistic. Please don't fall for it.

 

In my mind's eye I want a 5'2" 100 lb fit woman. That is the picture I have. I rarely find or see the picture I have in my head but I find and see a lot of very sexy women and that is all that matters. What I find when I am in the real world is looking at a sexy woman. And her body type does not necessarily make her sexy. It is the full package that makes her sexy. She can have extra weight and still be sexy. Stretch marks and scars make her unique and that can make her sexy. There are so many things that make a woman sexy that if anyone took them individually one might not appreciate them. Put them together you have a real woman and that is a biggest step to being sexy.

 

Just be yourself. That is more sexy than anything else out there.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There are so many things that make a woman sexy that if anyone took them individually one might not appreciate them. Put them together you have a real woman and that is a biggest step to being sexy.

 

That's about the best summation of it I have seen, and I feel exactly the same. Realness has a sexy factor, and that factor is a thousand times more powerful than any other factor that pop culture will try to tell you one must have to be sexy.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

It used to be that I would tell my wife that she looked hot, and she would say "You have to say that- you're married to me!" She was, at the time, 5' 2" and a little more than 200ib. Then, when we got into the lifestyle, she began to hear a lot of very nice comments about how sexy she is. So now that she heard it from so many other men (and not a few women!), I think she's finally starting to believe it!

 

As others have said, sexy comes in many shapes and sizes. Enthusiasm, spirit, humor, comfort, (and being attracted to me!) all play a big part in my finding a person sexy and attractive. And when I find a woman attractive, her body (whatever shape and size) is really alluring to me!

[Guest FunintheSnow]

With a lot of stuff in the LS, I've found it can be helpful to turn things around and see how they look from that perspective. In my case,one way to deal with my own insecurities is to think about the men I've found attractive. I've found many different guys attractive since we started swinging (before that, I really kept blinders on for my whole marriage): short guys, tall guys, slender guys, heavy guys, muscular guys. Guys with glasses, guys with thinning hair, bald guys. Hairy guys and shaved guys. There are some features that make a guy less "pretty" that I actually prefer--I find big noses sexy, for example. So...is it realistic for me to think tons of men will find me unattractive because I have XYZ feature, such as small, well-used breasts (ten years of nursing, not sexy use, sadly), extra skin from losing weight, big muscles? Men only like women with big, perky breasts, tight skin, and slender limbs...really? Doesn't make sense in light of my own varied likes.

 

Good luck and be bold!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Sexiness is something that women radiate from the inside. It is a combination of confidence and happiness and comfort with their own skin...no matter how much (or little) skin they may have. It has nothing to do with how 'attractive' people may think they are.

 

...oh, and real women have curves.

[luv2was 117]

Yep... "Sexy" is an attitude. I especially liked the comment about beautiful bodies connected to ugly personalities. (Crikey! I've met more than a few of those.)

 

I will be honest and say that I prefer "athletic" bodies best. I have met more than a few women however, not necessarily in that category, that once I got to know them they really turned my head. Confidence and enthusiasm can go a really long way. Some of the sexiest women I have ever met came nowhere close to looking like the glamour images in popular society.

 

Acceptance is the key. And for sure that is a very big theme here. If you do not find it at first, just keep looking... it is out there. At one point while reading this thread the thought "Take the plunge!" came to mind.

 

I am also reminded of a nugget from one of my all-time favorite films: "Don Juan DeMarco" (1994)... it goes like this...

 

"By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it's true. When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the-the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect, because, I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it. So, to answer your question, I see as clear as day that this great edifice in which we find ourselves is your villa. It is your home. And as for you, Don Octavio DeFlores, you are a great lover like myself, even though you may have lost your way and your accent. Shall I continue?"

 

Another (all-time favorite) one with a similar theme (as part of the plot anyway) is: "Scent of a Woman" (1992)...

 

"Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."

 

:-)

 

If you have not seen them, both films are worth a look. A fun movie night if nothing else.

 

;-)

[jenn1024 16]

Thank you for all your replies! Your words have helped. I guess I'm just my own worst critic. But you only live once and really, how boring would it be if we all looked alike...