Question about intimacy and sharing

[Flirtycup13 18]

My wife and I (married 20 years) started talking about all of this a few months ago. We both have had very limited other sexual experience. While we have tried to explore, we have found we are stuck at the point of intimacy. I don't have a problem with her having sex, but I do have a problem with her being intimate with others. I mean, talking on a deeper level, or having soft sensual sex ( i.e. Kissing and lots of touching/caressing) with someone. She says she doesn't really need these things but says she enjoys herself much more when she can. I believe I'm being selfish about this, that's to say, I don't mind sharing parts of her but not all of her. Has anyone had to deal with this, and if so how? I've been reading a lot of posts and comments after and some have helped. But I can't find anything like this yet.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I think that most swingers have learned to separate the fun and pleasure of sex from the deep emotional attachment of love. We are fine with making friends with our play partners, and in the case of the Mrs. and me, our closest friends are our swinger friends. We kiss, we talk about very personal things, we play (sometimes) in a sensual way, with lots of kissing and touching/caressing. But although we feel that these people are close friends, we do not have a romantic attachment to them.

 

So, from the point of view of the mindset I've described above, I say that our wife is actually not sharing all ov herself with her play partners. She's reserving her love for you! After all, at the end of the night, it's you she goes home with.

 

Jealousy is a serious issue to confront in the lifestyle. The rest of the vanilla world cannot understand how swingers can "cheat on" their spouses like that. The fact is that we are NOT cheating. We just separate sex from love. When our partner is having a rollicking good time, or an erotically quiet, sensual time, we are happy for them and their pleasure rather than jealous.

 

All that said, we do know some people who want things more anonymous, with no kissing and no caressing, no closeness. To be honest, we generally do not enjoy playing with people like that as much. Playing with them seems somehow more mechanical, bloodless. So I can understand your wife's desire for a more sensual experience.

 

Maybe the more distant method is the only way you can enjoy the lifestyle without feeling jealous. Or maybe your feelings might change over time. I think you will still be able to find some people to play with in either case.

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

When we were first getting started, we were both concerned about jealousy and intimacy. I had crazy jealousy issues in the past and didn't want that to happen again. We had a ton of rules that included no kissing (too intimate). However, as we moved forward, we found that these fears were unjust and, because of the increased open conversations we were having, we slowly set aside the rules that we thought were so important as not necessary. In the end, we both found that our love increased way more than either of us thought possible because we didn't have to be afraid...we really LOVED each other, we totally trusted each other, and could now talk about ANYTHING. How AWESOME is that? Sure, there would be others that were better at sex (and we both used that as a learning experience to become better ourselves), but she was coming home with me. That we both were willing to share this with the other just increased our connection together.

 

Sure, this isn't for everyone (in fact it only works for a few because most relationships don't have what is needed to do this), and it is opening a Pandora's box, but IF it works for you, you will look back in hindsight and say '...damn! Why did we even hesitate'. Loving someone so much that you are willing to let them live out their fantasies (together)...what could be better than that? I can't even begin to think of the right words to express it.

 

Go at a speed that you are both comfortable with, talk, talk, talk to each other, and stay within your (current) limits and just see how you both feel. You can always stop. If Ms. Gold said that she wanted to stop, without a seconds hesitation we would stop and never look back (of course I would still have some unbelievable memories). If this works for you, it won't be an issue. That you are even asking shows that you both care enough to be concerned for the other. Okay, I'm starting to ramble. Take your time and enjoy what is going on. If it doesn't feel right, stop (or at least slow down). It will be okay.

[Flirtycup13 18]

Thanks coupleinmd79. Food for thought. Goldcocouple, thank you, a lot of what you said makes sense.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I was prepared and encouraged her to have sex with other men. She didn't want to do it. She did it to make me happy. When she tried it she LOVED it!

 

I fantasized about her fucking another man but I never got the image of them "making love". The first time I watched them kissing very passionately while he was fucking her was disturbing.

[intuition897 2,180]

Hi FlirtyCup13, welcome to SB!

 

Intimacy is something that every couple entering the lifestyle will eventually have to address, because you're engaging in a very intimate activity. There is no getting around it: sex is just plain intimate. And we started out with the "no kissing" rules, too, and no penetration. Eventually, though, we realized that if we kept having to tone ourselves down, we were only having half the fun we could be having, and all we were doing was avoiding the issue.

 

So what was this issue? Well the question is, how much of ourselves are we comfortable sharing with our play partners? The answer that I found for myself is "all that I can". I engage with my play partners with a great deal of exuberance and passion. I mean, I get right in there. Because it's fun. It's part of the experience. Otherwise, what's the point? The thing is, though, there's only so much of me that I have to offer my play partners. I have ZERO interest in developing a long-term relationship with any of them, beyond friendship. I don't want to get overly involved in their lives. I don't need or want romantic walks on the beach or moonlit marriage proposals! I want a genuine, passionate, playful encounter with another wild soul who just wants to take another memory-picture to stuff in his backpack of souvenirs. That backpack is what we open up when we're ready to leave this world, and I hope mine and Mr. intuition's is STUFFED with all kinds of good shit like this.

 

At some point, my play partners hit The Wall. It's the point beyond which there's just nothing available for them. Happily, none of them are interested in venturing that far into Mr.-intuition897-land anyway, because, likewise, they're emotionally preoccupied with their own spouse. The have nothing to offer me in this way, either...not that I want it. So we've found that, if you just cut loose and trust the integrity of your own relationship, and your commitment to one another, it's a self-limiting thing. You'll find that the "passion" you feel is a fast, hot kind of fire that is spectacular to experience, but it burns itself out like gasoline. The only thing you'll feel for your play partner beyond that is the warmth of genuinely liking them as a friend. You won't have the deep history, that unspoken je-ne-sais-quoi, that lump in your throat and the ache in your chest when your spouse looks at you with that look that says, "I know you. I see you. I love you and everything that you are. You matter."

 

Playing with others is intimate. You bump right up against them not only physically, but energetically. You're in their personal space, and you can feel their energy. You can almost hear their thoughts. I love this "meeting" part. Ever been to a yoga class? They end the class with the word Namaste, which means (loosely translated) the divine in me acknowledges the divine in you. Swinging, for me, is kind of like saying namaste...but with sex. It doesn't need to be any more than that.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Flirtycup13, I only have a couple of things to add to what others have said, coming from my limited experience.

 

Are you two playing with single guys? I ask because Mr.Snow and I are most relaxed with couples who seem as solid as we are. It's easier for us, at this stage, to separate sex from romance when we know the other couple is in love and has no more interest in either of us romantically than we do in them. Might not work for you--just an observation.

 

Also, we continually reevaluate what our jealousy triggers are and create soft boundaries rather than no-go zones when we can. Too many hard boundaries, for us, can create stress in the moment. So, for example, at this point I have told Mr, Snow that cheek-kissing during sex seems a little too affectionate to me, but he doesn't have to avoid it altogether (and I am truly okay if it happens--I don't want his mind on exactly where his lips are at all times!). I would rather he not come in another woman's mouth, but hey, if it happens, it happens. "Just don't seek it out" is something we say a lot.

 

On the other hand, anal is a hard boundary. I love anal sex, but it's something we have decided to reserve for each other. If someone touches my anus, though, that's one of those "don't seek it out" things. This way we each respect each other's major triggers--and most of us have them!--while also building up our tolerance of the minor triggers.

 

I may just be babbling--I feel like we are toddlers in the LS and I may have just done the Swingersboard equivalent of babbling about Big Bird to a roomful of adults, but fwiw...

[kikonkrome 845]

I was going to quote what the others had said, but then realized it was quite a lot!!

 

We had similar experiences. Initially we had a lot of rules and tenseness. After a while that stuff just melted away. I mean you are not having romantic candle lit dinners alone with your swing partner, or managing 'life'. It just slowly transforms into a warm feeling knowing your SO is having a great time.

 

Take it slow and see what develops. Nobody learned to swim by jumping in the deep end.

[luv2was 117]

If you have not heard of it, you may want to look into "Polyamory". If nothing else it may broaden your understanding of non-monogamous relationships. Wikipedia has an excellent page on the subject (for a start), and web searches will yield more. I am not suggesting you or your partner fit into this "Poly" (Polyamorous) relationship category, just that further education can be helpful sometimes, in sorting stuff out.

 

This has been an excellent thread. Thanks to all who contributed.

 

I think that jealousy in the Swing Lifestyle (the "LS") stems mostly from fear of loss... the idea that our partner will (think they) find that "the grass is greener...", and skip-out. Repeatedly on this BBS, especially in this "Curious" section, you hear about how your partnership needs to be rock-solid to venture into this territory, and how the LS can act as a magnifying glass, making the good better, and the bad worse.

 

Trust yourselves, take your time, and enjoy the journey. Based on what you have shared so far I believe the odds are very good that y'all will be rewarded.