Can you be TOO picky?

[Curiouscouple61 64]

[HUBBY talking here] So the lady and I are on SLS and scanning through pics. We probably aren't really ready for a personal meeting just yet and want to start in a club but its nice to see how is out there especially in the area. Since its our first time we of course want this to be a fun experience and do everything we can to avoid on or the other being turned off by the whole thing. So we are looking at couples and we are finding its harder to find matches than we though. It seems that if there is a couple where I think the girl is cute, she's not into the guy or the other way around. She's going to be a tough cookie on this because where I am mostly vetting the girl, she is looking at the guy and she wants the girl to be cute too.

 

But then again, considering this is such a small community, maybe this is being too picky. On the other hand, maybe we'll have better luck at the clubs anyway since I imagine a large portion of people going to the events probably don't even have online profiles so maybe the SLS profiles are just a small handful of a bigger picture.

 

Did anyone else find themselves being too picky when starting out? Are you still picky? How do you generally come to an agreement on a couple and when you do, how did you get there?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I personally believe that there is no such thing as too picky. You should not compromise.

 

Footnote: You have the right and privilege to adjust your views at any time along your journey.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Looking at profiles is completely different than interacting with someone in real life. You will probably find that someone's personality, intelligence, sense of humor, look in their eye, way they dance etc, etc. make them much more attractive than simply seeing an online photo.

 

I am amazed at some of the terrible pictures people display. Take them with a grain of salt.

 

I believe you can be too picky. You are not looking for a spouse. You're looking to try something different and have fun.

 

I've played with some men who initially I thought, "no." When we started having sex it was amazing!! I am so glad I took the chance and will always remember the experience as being crazy hot!

 

I have also played with people who I thought were Adonis and it was really lacking.

 

You just can't know if there is chemistry until you are at least meeting in person. Sometimes you don't know until you're starting to play.

[njbm 2,870]

Funcoupledayton hit it on the head. We get rejected often and we can't figure out why. We've played with some people who are not great looking, but are great sexual partners. Don't be so quick to dismiss people. You may miss a prince!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

While the divide between the LS and vanilla life is most sharply demarcated along the line of sexual tolerance, the entire lifestyle is an "alternative lifestyle" that rests on embracing and celebrating a set of values. What is "interesting" and "attractive" in the LS is only partially related to conventional notions of beauty. It has more to do--we think much more to do--with how couples present themselves and interact with each other.

 

We agree that "taking one for the team" is a poor strategy. On the other hand, making decisions based on whether photographs show people to be classically beautiful is an equally poor strategy. We have run into more than one "handsome couple" where the attitudes and conversation immediately put us off. And while the couples we are close to are very attractive to us, fun to be with and so on, neither we nor they are going to appear in fashion magazines in the near future.

 

Meeting couples is part of the fun of the LS. It is also an important part of the introspection of the LS: with the opportunity to think about what you like in others, there is a reciprocal opportunity to reflect on how others perceive you. Is there such a thing as too picky? Of course not. However, it might limit your experience and your horizons.

 

Travel provides a useful analogy. If, when you travel, you stay only in lodging that is 'just like home', eat only foods that are 'just like home', see only things that are 'just like home', you can claim to have traveled--but not to have experienced travel. Experienced travelers do so because they relish the new experiences.

[enhancer 1,585]

People can be as picky as they want! That is their choice, but I do think some people picky themselves out of ever getting anywhere in the lifestyle. Like those people that have been on an online site for a few years and are still new and still looking for that super hot couple even though they themselves are far from the perfect 10's. We see this all the time.

 

As far as judging people's attraction on pictures you see online alone I think that is a big mistake! A person can turn out to be super sexy in person even if their picture didn't jump out at you as a hell yes I want. It can go the other way too. The only real way to gauge attraction is to get out and meet the people in person. If you do it on a no commitment basis there is nothing to lose, but something to possibly gain.

 

Being overly picky held us back when we first started searching online and looking back we probably missed out on some really great opportunities with some really great people. Might have also burned some bridges for future opportunities. You live and you learn.

[MarniJohn 172]

First of all, looking at pictures on any of the swing sites is a waste of time. Unless the members are new, the pictures are zero indication of what the couple actually looks like in person. Best bet is to go to a swing club where you can see for yourself. Secondly, you will be surprised that what you thought you would look for to swing with might not be what you find attractive once you start to play. Attitude far outweighs looks in swinging (in my opinion). That's not to say that people you find unattractive are going to be people you want to play with, but attitude goes a long way in helping you find who you are comfortable with.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We are all about meeting and only use the photos posted as a deal breaker. Since we have been looking for FWB more than just hooking up, unless you meet and see if there is a connection, you just never know. Pictures just don't transmit personalities that well. If the text part of a profile sounds like we see rather eye to eye, and the pictures don't show facial tattoos or more piercings than a pin cushion (or some other thing that one of us just doesn't like), we're more than happy to spend an evening out for dinner just to see if there is that elusive connection. Worst thing that can happen is we went out for dinner with another couple and had some 'interesting' discussions. You are going to miss a bunch of great people if all you are basing your selection on is looks...

[Guest FunintheSnow]

I'm curious to know how others would respond to CuriousCouple61's assumption that a lot of people going to clubs don't have an SLS profile. At our local clubs, that is absolutely not the case. The only people I've met who didn't have SLS accounts were first-timers who were not ready to play yet. Since "What's your (SLS) screenname?" is a very common icebreaker question, I think I'd know if there were lots of profile-less couples running around here.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . . Since "What's your (SLS) screenname?" is a very common icebreaker question, I think I'd know if there were lots of profile-less couples running around here.

I cannot speak to the proportion of people at clubs but the Florida people with whom we are now becoming acquainted, a significant proportion use no kind of on-line presence. They are parts of a true network. Somebody's having a house party and tells so-and-so who tells so-and-so and the next thing you know, it's a party. The Florida people network (OMG, did I just make a verb from a noun) even in their summer homes in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia so we keep apace with them even while in our western Pennsylvania home. We have, for the last two years, met many more people in this network than through SLS.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We agree with others who say that there is a lot about a couple that you can't tell from a few static photographs. How they talk, whether they are interesting, funny, caring, and make you feel comfortable, do they have a sexy way of looking you in the eye, these are things that you can't tell conclusively just by reading a profile and looking at a few pictures. We evaluate profiles to look for general compatibility, but we honestly do not set a really high bar on looks, and we tend to give people some slack on the writing as well. If we meet a couple for dinner, and things don't work out, well... we had to eat anyway!

 

Our horizons have been broadened considerably in the lifestyle. We've found that there are a whole lot of ways to be sexy, and it doesn't have all that much to do with how your pictures look!

 

This is not to suggest that you should play with anyone at all that you are not attracted to. And of course you are of course welcome to use any criteria you like in evaluating people for play. I'm only suggesting that you might be pleasantly surprised if you tried meeting more people!

[MatePerfect 17]

I agree, personality is a very important part, if a person is horrible a beautiful face doesn't help either.

[Guest]

To begin with, we don’t shop listings or photo’s, our partner have been people we meet and hit it off with, couples at couples clubs or single guys that start chatting with us in a bar or folks at a meet and greet. I suspect that this approach makes us less picky. I mean, we are there, where ever there happens to be, so we have dressed for the event, have psyched ourselves or one another up, are in the mood, so most likely, interested in a successful evening more than being picky. Besides that, we have found no correlation to good looks and good in the sack. To us, I think its more about someone who is personable during the chat phase.

[padoc 1,703]

There is a learning curve in swinging that pretty much requires an openminded approach and a grasp of the concept that it takes time to find your niche or to hit your stride. Think about dating and how difficult it was to find a partner with whom you clicked and where attraction, conversation, and sex came easily. Multiply that by four and you'll understand why this hobby isn't for the faint of heart. To answer your question, we started with firm rules and a determination to find a really good match. Those are few and far between. Over the years, we have, through trial and error (lots of errors), refined our selection process to the point where we have had a lot of success in finding fun and compatible couples. Rather than looking for that perfect couple, we start with certain parameters, HWP, non smokers, educated, with well written profiles and certain body types. We meet and assess in person. Since we recognize that the "Wow" factor often won't apply to both parties in the other couple we generally accept that one of us will be quite attracted to one part of the other couple. After that, our decision is based on whether the other partner is considered "doable". If not, we go no further. We've had some really great times and repeated them with couples where I found the wife very attractive and Mrs Doc thought the husband was doable or vice versa. Sometimes, we've found that the less obviously attractive part of the couple kinda sneaks up on us and suddenly there really is a Wow factor. Back to the learning curve, this hobby isn't as easy as bowling or bridge, but when you win in this, there are orgasms.

[kikonkrome 844]

I find the attraction for us is all in the personality. I agree with a certain amount of HWP, but also how you present yourself. I mean if you show up in a t-shirt and sweat pants it's a turn off, unless you are wearing mine the next morning!!

 

That said, I find it a crap shoot as far as the bedroom goes. We have had some really great times with people that were not that fun in the bedroom, and strangely enough vice versa.

 

I think people that are being 'picky' do it from a result of having some control of the situation and that's fair enough. The reality of this for us is that swinging and sex with others is a bit of an adventure. You just have a lot of unknown variables. A partner may need to be picky to reduce the number of variables. Or the partner may be picky because, hey they just are not into it.

 

I will agree with the above posters, pictures online do nothing for how sexy someone is. You really only get that when you meet them. We have been surprised more than once.

[Alura 2,774]

If a couple is "too picky" they reduce the number of potential playmates. If they add "rules," such as "no kissing, same room only," etc., the pool is further reduced. Eventually there are few people left from whom to choose.

 

Laura and I agreed that we would have a mid-afternoon meeting in a book store coffee shop with any couple. Sometimes we were successful; sometimes we were not, but we got to know the folks well enough to make a learned decision.

 

A common problem within the lifestyle, in our experience, was that the husband was the instigator and the wife was going along to appease him. Telltale signs are when she sits with her arms crossed, smiling little, not offering her opinion, etc. Don't ignore negative actions.

 

Don't ignore positive signs either. We met some of our most treasured playmates in our daily activities. Don't be afraid to talk to strangers while awaiting a table in a restaurant.

 

Good luck!