Midlife crisis wife

[Filter 16]

Hello all. First post. I wanted find a site to ask objective folks about something weight on my mind and I'd appreciate any advice or information/experiences about dealing with a wife in a midlife crisis.

 

I am very aware of the risk factors for a cheating spouse in a midlife crisis. My wife's depression exploded about a month ago and she has been a completely differ t person since. She needed a friend after being locked up for almost seven yrs with three children, she gave up friends, work and free time when we moved (I'm military) add lots of marriage drama for the level years and I get why she is going thru this. At first I had the huge crushing anxiety that she would cheat. She had only secretly messaged one guy right up front at the beginning and I found out. I won't say how I know but I know she did not maintain communication. However the whole thing staggered me. She has found a new best friend who is a neighbor and they frequently drink all night me oarty at clubs. This friend is a swinger and that is such a foreign concept to my wife, she is curious about it and has talked to her a lot about that. I was my wife to feel good about herself and confident in her body. I want her happy and I want to be sane. I've gotten so stressed out sometimes since this started, I have panic attacks.

 

The other night I collected myself from all the wohrry over cheating and I finally just sat down and we had one of the most honest conversations we've ever had. I flirted with the swinger topic but the way I asked about her friend's lifestyle led to me asking if she was interested in that now. She seemed receptive and admitted she liked the attention going out, dressing up etc got her. We danced around the swinger topic without ever saying it and I laid a series of ground rules were she to try that out or desire to try it out. Again the manner the topic was discussed, and her receptive response makes it seem as though she has considered it and that she and I understood that we were both talking about the same thing. However in the aftermath I feel weird bc it was never explicitly said that we were discussing her swinging.

 

Should I directly ask if she wants to do that?

How do I ask?

How do I deal with it?

Part of that is hot to me. The idea of her being sexual (she's always been ultra conservative with sex until recently). Is hot, but Instill feel pretty weird about that idea actually going thru

Do I tell her that I find it a little hot?

Has anyone here recovered from a midlife crisis? I'll listen to anyone, but the female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks up from for any help

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Should I directly ask if she wants to do that?

No. swing is not a solution to a marital problem.

 

 

How do I ask?

How can we get things back on track? Have I been part of the problem?

 

How do I deal with it?

Insist on totally-open discussion.

 

Part of that is hot to me. The idea of her being sexual (she's always been ultra conservative with sex until recently). Is hot, but Instill feel pretty weird about that idea actually going thru

This is natural.

 

Do I tell her that I find it a little hot?

You would be right to do this.

 

Has anyone here recovered from a midlife crisis? I'll listen to anyone, but the female perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thanks up from for any help

Do not try to whitewash this with a characterization like mid-life crisis. It is a marital crisis, without regard to a stage of life.

 

I'll be interested to read what others, especially female, will say. Sending you my sincere wish for a happy resolution.

[kikonkrome 844]

Should I directly ask if she wants to do that?Yes Obviously SWPA and I differ...swinging is not a solution to your marital problems, but open communications is. If that means you should ask directly, that's what it means.

 

How do I ask?You put your big boy pants on and say. 'Hey you seem to talk about your girl friends swinging experiences, does it interest you? How?' or something similar

 

How do I deal with it? Your marital issues, wife's issues or asking about swinging? For your wife and marital issues, fucked if I know, but maybe a therapist, what is your idea of a fantastic wife and fantastic marriage? Is this it? As far as swinging goes, ask her about it with your big boy pants.

 

Part of that is hot to me. The idea of her being sexual (she's always been ultra conservative with sex until recently). Is hot, but Instill feel pretty weird about that idea actually going thru

Do I tell her that I find it a little hot? What an expose your sexual wants and desires to your wife? Hell yeah you should tell her. At least you are being open and direct about what you want.

 

Seems like you guys could use a little work on communication. If that happens through a discussion on swinging or how you like your toast buttered is pretty inconsequential. Well I take that back, swinging is a lot more fun than buttering toast. Take the lead role, take your wife to a quiet romantic place with a little wine, and ask her how she wants to have mind blowing orgasms. Then assure her that, yes, you love it when she does, cause we all know you do. Then go home and enjoy a few. Come back here and ask more questions.

 

Good luck, have fun

[Alura 2,774]

My late wife liked to ask, "How do y'all feel about swinging?" You might also ask "How much has Bessie Darlene told you about her swinging?" Phrase your questions so they can not be answered with "yes" or "no." The object is to start a conversation with your wife. Your goal should be to be able to talk with no fear of her reaction. If you'd like to know more about our philosophy of swinging, click on the link below and read a sample of "Swingin' Down to Tulsa".

 

Good luck to you and your wife! I hope y'all will soon be on a road to fun together.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I would say that you need to talk directly, not skirting around. Talk about what is good and bad for both of you in your relationship, socially, emotionally, sexually.

 

If you are even going to consider swinging, this need to be an activity for the two of you, not for her and her new best friend. I think you are putting the cart before the horse in talking about rules or levels of hotness. If she goes out and has sexual experiences with her friend it will be the end of your marriage. Right now, neither of you is equipped to deal with the emotions and issues that will come up. In the future that may change.

 

You talk about depression and drama. Is your wife seeing a counselor? I would highly recommend the two of you go together to work out past hurts and improve your present situation. Bringing other people into a rocky relationship will only create more roadblocks and hurdles. Strengthen your foundation and then when things are as wonderful as you can imagine, talk about branching out.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I agree with the others that say that completely open, honest communication is a great idea at this point. Use all the appropriate words for what you are talking about, with no dancing around the topic- if you're talking about swinging, directly say the word "swinging"! But in my opinion, this should be just one topic of a wide-ranging discussion that encompasses the entire topic of your wife's happiness and unhappiness.

 

I don't want to hit this too hard, but I thought I saw a couple of little signs that might suggest that your wife might not feel free to express herself as an equal partner in such a conversation. You mentioned that you knew she had stopped her communication with a guy previously, but did not want to go into your basis for knowing this. This suggests that either you are sneaking into her personal electronics, or made separate contact with the guy. Both of these suggest a lack of trust and a lack of openness that, if your wife senses it, might inhibit her from feeling safe to be be open and honest with you. Also, you mentioned that, in your discussion that was kind of about swinging, you laid out a series of ground rules to her. Besides being a very premature topic, this seems like a situation that is best approached as an open discussion and agreement between equals, rather than one in which you lay out the rules to her. In an atmosphere like that, she may not feel free to express her own desires, needs, fantasies, concerns, or insecurities.

 

It's possible that you and your wife may be ready to try swinging. But it sounds to me like you are not yet in a place where swinging is a good idea. Swinging can be a great addition to a solid, loving relationship that is built on a foundation of trust, and open, honest communication. It might be great for couples who are healthy and happy, and who have approaches to sex that are open to consensual non-monogamy. Your wife's current turmoil, it seems to me, is not the best stable starting point for entering into a swinging situation- which, after all, adds some stresses to a relationship all on its own. BTW, are we sure her situation is a midlife crisis? Maybe we reserve judgement on that diagnosis, and let a professional decide that.

 

Good luck, and keep talking!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship really hot, but it will burn a weak one. It will make every shortcoming and flaw that much larger. Neither of you are ready to even think about going here. It WILL NOT END GOOD.

 

Instead, start working on YOUR relationship. Start dating her again...get dressed up and go do things, even if it is only going with her to the clubs. Start doing things together again. Improve your love, trust and communication. Be open and non-judgemental with her when you talk. Remember that the two of you are a team and that the other is there to help. Put her first and treat her with respect and love. It sounds like your relationship can still easily be saved and repaired, but it is also on the beginning of a long downslide that needs to be stopped now.

 

Swinging is not something you should even think about now, but could maybe think about as a goal. But you have other things that you need to take care of right now...you need to put her first again.