Too much texting from the Mr. - Need some advice or understanding

[Dexter54 17]

My wife and I played in the BDSM world and recently switched over to swinging to meet some new people. I thought the same rules with couples applied, but maybe not. In the D/s world respect for another Dom and what is his is a big deal, but that doesn't seem to apply with a couple we just met.

 

Did the coffee thing all that was cool, got on a 4 way KIK to communicate until we could meet next month. After a short period of time every time I look at my phone the new Mr is texting my Mrs. This has happened every single day and I think he is up tp 12 pictures nude and non-nude he has requested and been given. I chalked it up to beginning enthusiasm, and in the evenings we all engaged in group sextext and talking, so after a week or so I thought it would even out. However three weeks later, every day he is texting her with long threads. She is submissive and of course enjoys the attention, so I have let her enjoy herself. Other couples we have met this constant texting doesn't seem to come from the guys, and I would never see this is in BDSM world. I am very open about play, but this has actually gotten on my nerves. I can't figure out if I'm jealous and protective or just annoyed and feeling disrespected.

 

Not new to group sex but new to swinging, so I would love to hear some thought

[padoc 1,703]

"so I have let her enjoy herself". Right there is the difference!! Swingers share as opposed dominating. I don't "let" Mrs Doc do anything. We are a team and equal partners in this hobby. The vast majority of swinging couples we know feel very much the same as we do which tends to eliminate jealousy and macho concerns about being disrespected.

 

You may want to spend some time reading and compare and contrast the clear differences between swinging and BDSM before you jump into the deep end of the swinging pool.

[Dexter54 17]

Well that was quite harsh! I don't believe you fully understand the D/s relationship and the depth of love, trust and respect associated with it. She is not my slave she is my submissive there is a difference.

 

Anyway, my question was simply I guess what is too much attention, or too much texting?

[Alphabetty 21]

If my husband was texting a playmate a lot and it bothered me, I would tell them.

Sounds like fairly standard flirting at this point though.

 

Be clear about what it is that bothers you. Too much texting or too much attention directed to someone who is not you? Do you want to set guidelines about how often they can text or have some block out times when neither of you text others?

 

Open communication is key

[Dexter54 17]

Ok that helps! It is that way in our other world, but I want to be cool with the swinging community. My Mrs is a very attractive lady so I'm sure it is just excitement on his part. Thanks

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Constant texting over weeks would be unusual in any situation. It seems obsessive and may indicate someone with a sort of psychological condition. Someone you might want to avoid.

[padoc 1,703]

Of course there is a difference, words mean things! That was my entire point. There is a vast difference between what you are familiar with and swinging. You asked to "hear some thought" and I provided more than one. If suggesting you educate yourself about an activity with which you are unfamiliar and compare and contrast to what you DO know is somehow harsh than you may be a bit oversensitive. THAT may contribute to your annoyance and feeling of being (gasp) disrespected.

[angelkin 1,326]

Of course there is a difference, words mean things! That was my entire point. There is a vast difference between what you are familiar with and swinging. You asked to "hear some thought" and I provided more than one. If suggesting you educate yourself about an activity with which you are unfamiliar and compare and contrast to what you DO know is somehow harsh than you may be a bit oversensitive. THAT may contribute to your annoyance and feeling of being (gasp) disrespected.

 

You can discuss your thoughts without being confrontational or disrespectful...I thought your response was harsh as well, though I understood the message. Tone and choice of words are important.

 

It might be wise for you to fully understand the D/s world before launching into a rant about the poster.

[Dexter54 17]

Thank you AngelKin for your supportive words. I was going to give up on my question, but the rest of you have been very helpful. I am touched by your Valkyrie spirit!

[Dexter54 17]

Thank you all for you advice and thoughts

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Of course there is a difference, words mean things! That was my entire point. There is a vast difference between what you are familiar with and swinging.

 

I disagree. There isn't a vast difference between swinging and D/s... both are fundamentally based on openness, honesty, communication, trust and respect. The rest is... I don't want to say "cosmetic"... more the difference between strawberry and chocolate ice cream. Different flavors.

 

As for the original posters concerns, I would agree Alphabetty... return to those basics of openness, honesty, communication, trust and respect. If the other folks involved can't handle that, then those aren't people you want to play with. Just like in BDSM, people are people and there are some people who just aren't a good fit for you.

[Dexter54 17]

Very helpful Lionheart

 

Yes after Alphabetty's and s few other suggestions I realized I simply needed to get back to the basics with the person I love and communicate with her. I was thinking the rules of the road in swinging are different and I needed to chill out. As you probably know I live to provide, protect and bring joy to my submissive for the gift she gives me so I didn't want to rain on her parade. I think this guy will end up being ok he just doesn't approach interaction with a disciplined approach probably due to lack of physical experience. There are a lot of over eager beaver hunters out there in both worlds, lol

 

Good stuff, thanks for the help !

[EastInWest 1,524]

Looking at this through the lens of vanilla relationships, it's hard to figure out what's actually going on there with the level of detail provided.

 

Are we talking about them having long, two-sided exchanges every day, or is he just hassling her with lots of long messages that she usually ignores or gives only cursory replies to?

 

One interpretation is that he's a pest and maybe a weirdo. Another interpretation is that they're more friendly with one another than you are comfortable with.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm with EastInWest on those two possibilities. One is a problem with just him (being a pest, not catching a clue) while the other is a problem with her, she is doing something you are not comfortable with. If it's the first, she can just take the bull by the horns and explain that she really isn't into that level of keeping in touch, or else just ignore it, and when his texting needs aren't being met, he'll most likely move onto somewhere else in the hopes they will be met there. If it's the second, then you and her just need to have a talk about why it makes you uncomfortable, what your swinging boundaries are, and what needs to happen to find a place you both are comfortable with. That conversation should be a two-way street, but in the end, one swinging Cardinal Rule is go at the pace of the slowest person, so that's what needs to happen.

[asncpl 729]

I'm active in both BDSM and swinging, and your comfort level is important in both lifestyles. Before I have a D/S relationship with another, the dom, my husband and I would discuss boundaries and hard limits, just like you do in swinging. Those limits may change as you get to know the dom, or swinging partners, but it's important that you are comfortable in the beginning so you are more inclined to delve deeper in the relationship. I don't venture to guess why this person is constantly texting your wife, but if it is making you uncomfortable, that's enough to have a calm conversation with your partner on expectations and behavior. I think it will make for more fun later for you all to be upfront.

[Dexter54 17]

Three more excellent post ! Yes I believe the two way communication over many days I was not comfortable with as Dom's are experienced enough they don't have that need. I actually think I felt disrespected. I know goofy.

 

Asncol; your right in that i did not communicate my limits like I should have, but to be honest I got caught by surprise. My sub and I had an open honest communication (like I was supposed to have had) and I told her how it impacted me. She is a good girl and didn't want to disappoint me which made me totally cool with the different culture and this Mr enthusasism for my sub

 

I believe there is a difference for those of us that are Dom's in that we have to give up a little control and patience accepting those that are not from our world. Otherwise, I agree everything else is the same........except a lot less toys!

[kikonkrome 844]

We have had this happen, and usually it's an over amorous guy. The reality is you barely know this person, so you have no idea what his intentions are. I have asked my wife to stop responding to a guy that I thought was frankly being weird and creepy (ok honestly I got weird and creepy from the couple to begin with). I wasn't really even sure how much of a couple they were. There's a lot of goofy stuff that goes on.

 

I mean if you aren't feeling it you are not feeling it no harm no foul. If you think the guy is too aggressive, a pest, he is!!

 

Honestly if your wife is texting two word answers to paragraph long texts that's not really good. He's being a pest. Kinda like that guy you meet at the bar that just will not go away since you were nice to him, know what I mean?

 

Regardless of the scene you and your SO have the long term commitment. If it's bothering you it's valid and should be addressed and I would say by even posting the problem this should be ended.

 

Even if you are the dom doesn't mean you can't be vulnerable, that's being human.

[intuition897 2,179]

Dexter, I think you've been quite patient with the guy. I have zero experience in the BDSM lifestyle, but I believe swinging and BDSM parallel one another closely in the need for honesty, trust, and excellent communication. My husband would not take kindly to some guy - whether single or married - texting me with long, wordy conversations that made it obvious the guy would rather that the love of my life wasn't even in the picture. And the sexting/requests for XXX photos...that's just a dealbreaker there. But maybe that's just us.

 

We have a few good friends with whom we might send an occasional "Hey, how are ya? Say hello to the Mrs/Hubby." kind of text, but we're quite sensitive about whether or not the other people have respect for our relationship. We don't play separately, and we make that clear. We understand that some people have different comfort levels in this respect, but if it becomes obvious that there's a lack of respect for our relationship, or if we sense that they find our relationship inconvenient for their purposes, we tend to back away from those people.

 

Does this guy know that you're into BDSM? Does he have any experience at all with it? Or did you get an impression from him about what he thinks of it? I have to wonder if he might misunderstand the concepts involved, and may even be purposely provocative, trying to take you down a peg or two. Hopefully I'm not creating a suspicion out of mid-air, but if your gut is telling you this... It's just a thought.

 

In any case, you might have the Mrs. let him know that, while she appreciates the attention, she's getting a little uncomfortable with the number and kinds of texts she's been getting. It probably should come from her; if it comes from you, it may come across as defensive, and may not stop the behaviour. If it comes from her, it should come across very clearly. Not sure if that helps at all, but best of luck with this.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

 

Except we have experience with the D/s lifestyle and this still sounds...desperate on his part. As I was just saying on another thread, life is too short for crazy. Move on and find a better match since proceeding here only sounds like drama in the future.

[Dexter54 17]

texting me with long, wordy conversations that made it obvious the guy would rather that the love of my life wasn't even in the picture. .

I think this is where his head is at, as I keep bringing four way play and he stays focused on the Mrs. They have been married for 20+ years so I assume he is dying for variety.

 

We don't tell anyone about our lifestyle. The three times we have tried it runs everyone off, and we were trying to be cool about it.

 

Great post, thanks for the thoughts

[Initwithher 40]

I came across this thread I know it's little outdated, just wanted to mention that something similar like this happened to us as well, make the story short, we had met a single male and talked and played after couple of days he was texting my wife daily very very long lengthy conversations, which she will tell me about it and always asked me to read it as well, in some conversations he says things like I wish you could be next to me when I get up in the morning things like that, so after reading that I told my wife that I didn't really care for that kind of talk, please let him know that you are making me uncomfortable with what you saying , so he stopped for little while saying those kind of things, but texting went on for long time month or so at some point when conversation came to a sexy songs they like and my wife sends him a song on text Sexy/live song, when I saw that I thought it was not appropriate to send songs to single male sexual/ Love song he could take it as you would like more intimacy then you say,so when I mentioned to my wife that I really was uncomfortable you sending songs like this to our friend please don't. And she said ok she didn't mean anything more than a sexual song but if you don't like that I won't. Since then she never did it again, but when conversation comes to that topic she always defends her action not being harmless I was the one getting defensive,, What would you think of this? Any input would greatly appreciated,

[Guest]

We avoid that type of thing by stating from the start, all texting and communications are between the guys.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

 

Even couples that we have known for years, and we all know both women's email and numbers, we keep all communication between the guys. Just the best thing to do and a much reduced chance of potential drama.

[EastInWest 1,524]

 

Even couples that we have known for years, and we all know both women's email and numbers, we keep all communication between the guys. Just the best thing to do and a much reduced chance of potential drama.

 

Ours is a little different in that it's mostly the ladies doing the talking, but we started off and stay with the same general idea: there's no reason for me to be texting the other wife or vice versa. The last time we decided to meet I was handling the logistics for our visit, so the other wife had the other husband get in touch to talk.

[dan63 106]

We like to create 4-way text/FB messages with couples if we are really interested in them. That way everyone knows what is going on.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . In the D/s world respect for another Dom and what is his is a big deal, but that doesn't seem to apply with a couple we just met.

 

What is his? My wife and I know only a few people who move within the BDSM circles but the two of the doms we know are female.

 

. . . Not new to group sex but new to swinging, so I would love to hear some thought

We've encountered swing men who want to call the shots but within our swing circles, women are free to make their own fun in their own ways.

[padoc 1,703]

My response was direct and honest. I don't see the need to sugar coat an honest answer nor do I need to crawl around in the OP's world to discuss his post.