First time swinging tomorrow. So nervous

[NaBo 29]

Default First time this weekend - really nervous

Hi everyone,

It's my first post. Go gently...

 

I am the female half of a couple & I have very limited exposure to swinging. My partner has some experience as a lone guy but not with a partner. I have barely any experience - once with a couple years ago. My partner & I have ventured into swinging probably more because he has expressed himself through fantasies when fucking and I feel he is probably more into it than me -or maybe it's more that he's less nervous. Or seems it. Certainly he has been much more proactive about it than me - joining swinging websites, contacting people. At times I felt he was galloping ahead and had to ask him to slow down a bit. He was usually great about that though and is open and receptive to feedback 99% of the time. We have really terrific communication & a lot of trust. And I AM curious & wanting to experiment. I mean, I am not a push over just going along with whatever he wants .... It's just probably him gently pushing it not me. Which is a good thing - I can be a 'nervous Nelly' but I always wind up enjoying our sexual adventures. We have a wonderfully sexy life together, he is an incredible lover - fabulously generous but happy to let me spoil him. A giver and receiver. Perfect.

 

Frankly I am concerned with the old 'j' word - jealousy. I mean I feel confident in his love for and loyalty to me. And I really WANT to be turned on by seeing him happy and turned on. I guess it's just so culturally alien to me - to encourage my partner to be sexually involved with another woman - even just temporarily. But. We've set the date - Sunday 23/10/16 (Sydney, Australia time). I've spoken to the female member of the couple & she seems really friendly & easy to talk to. They're more experienced than us (which is not hard lol - well me anyway) & she reassured me that we can stop at any time if I / we feel weird or just want to. They will totally understand. So that's great. It's just ... I'm pretty scared. What if my partner really loves it & I don't and he wants to continue with swinging and I don't? He reassures me that this is a journey about and for 'us' - he doesn't want to go it alone. I believe him but I feel strongly that I wouldn't want to stand in the way of this beautiful man's sexual expression. I am probably getting ahead of myself... it may wind up that we both love swinging and have lots of great adventures together. Or even that I love it & he doesn't so much. He tells me he's also nervous about seeing me with another man... Funnily enough we went to a swingers club - my beautiful man arranged it - and I was very relaxed fucking in front of other people and my love found it hard to get into, he felt very distracted. I had a pretty great time & he didn't like it so much - so that was interesting. Somehow I felt 'safe' with lots of other people around fucking - but ..... nobody else was invited to join us. Being with another couple in a hotel room feels much much more intimate & 'exposed' than screwing with lots of other people around doing the same.

 

God. So what is my question? Forgive me if this has been written about elsewhere but how did people feel seeing their partner interact sexually with another person for the first time? Was it an internal battle? Did it get easier with time? Did you just ... in the heat of it all just let go of all that 'mundane' jealousy (I've been a bit hard on myself thinking I should somehow be more enlightened ... ). My ultimate goal would be to feel thrilled that my beautiful fella is enjoying himself so much & hope that he doesn't feel 'triggered' by me with another man.. And. Of course my goal will include my enjoying it as much as I did at the Swingers club last month.

 

Any musing, support, thoughts will be greatly appreciated. The clock is ticking (21 hours 33 minutes but who's counting? Lol) and as we get closer I'm getting more and more nervous.

 

I will let everyone know how we get on.

 

Thanks in anticipation

[njbm 2,868]

Like many of life's peak moments, you do not know how either of you will feel, you have to experience it! Stay excited in a good way and savor the moment! Life is a banquet, enjoy it! Contrary to conventional wisdom, sex is a wonderful, powerful and mysterious force. Explore it with your partner and maintain your love for and interest in your partner.

 

If either of you don't like swinging, stop. If one of you has a subpar experience (common), meet another couple and forge ahead! Good luck, you can only be a virgin twice (non lifestyle and lifestyle)!

[JandKinBoise 858]

Well, hello there. Welcome to The Swingers Board. That is a very complete description of the issues you are dealing with. Believe me, you are not alone. Stepping into this world is outside everybody's comfort zone. It goes against everything the puritans have fed us our whole life.

 

I am kinda in your husbands shoes. My wife is passive with me but very willing and open to new adventures. She does need some light prodding but like you, always has a great time.

 

I don't really sense a lot of negative issues coming from you, just the jitters we are all familiar with. He probably is just as nervous but for a lot of us, that is a BIG part of the excitement. I love the hunt, the first meeting, talking about it later, anticipating the sex. The sex is icing but just one part of the whole experience.

 

Concerning jealousy, there is no way to know how you will handle this. As long as you are communicating with the other couple, and you are, if you freak out and have to leave, they will understand. Many of us find ourselves experiencing emotions we were not expecting. I am flooded with pride for some reason when I am watching my wife expressing herself with another man.

 

You sound committed to this. You don't sound like you are being forced to do anything. Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths. Go for it with an open mind. Hopefully your next post will start with 'Wow, that was awesome'.

[NaBo 29]

Thanks so much for your input and support. Exactly what I needed to hear. I adore njbm's statement that you can only be a virgin twice - non lifestyle & lifestyle. I got a big chuckle about that. And yep, it's pretty straight forward - move on if it's not for me / him / us. Try again if it's sub par. But ... We just have to dive into the pond.

 

It's true re the story we've been told all our lives (as you said jandkinboise)... one man, one woman - in the hetero-normative world that is - if not for life, then at least in a 'serial monogamy' kind of way. I kind of aspired to 'lifetime together' like my parents - my beautiful mum died a few months ago a week shy of her & dad's 60th wedding anniversary - but I was realistic that it may not / would not happen for me. But it was still 'one woman / one man'... sexually ... even if not for a lifetime any more. Fidelity has meant that you do not look elsewhere - ever, at all - rather than it being something negotiated on a case by case basis. Until my husband, who I met in my 40s, I had not really thought about sharing with others. I could respect that as a choice for other people - absolutely - and I could admire it even. But I didn't consider it for me/us. Until recently. Re the jealousy part, I guess it stems from my having experienced sexual infidelity from my first long relationship - i.e. plain old lying and telling me I was insane to even think he would do that - and emotional infidelity from my second long relationship - just as hurtful. There is transparency, negotiation and trust between my love (my third & last long term, serious relationship) and I though - which is the only way I could consider this journey with him. So, perhaps my jealousy stems from that? But as my dear old dad just said "I dwell in the past - but only on happy memories. I never dwell on unhappy memories". God he's awesome.

 

And it's true that there aren't any negatives really - I have a supportive husband we have great communication and A LOT of trust. It made me feel a lot better somehow reading that my hubby is similar to you jandkinboise - that you are also the one softly prodding but your wife, like me, always enjoys herself. It's so wonderful to hear about your pride in your wife too - because that is exactly what my love says when he's fantasizing about it all - "I'm going to feel so proud of you ..." etc. We haven't really talked about explicit boundaries yet though. I kinda wish we did that before now because it's not long til we meet this couple. But I think the only thing we need to negotiate is whether we will do soft swap only up to oral or will we just say "do what you like". I am interested to know whether anyone keeps kissing just for your partner?

 

Oh. The other thing that worries me - for our first time it is a bit confronting because we are meeting them in the bar in their hotel then going upstairs to fuck. Hubby & I had previously agreed that we would meet someone for coffee / a drink and then go home, talk about it etc., then meet them another time if we were comfortable. But this couple lives in separate states and he is only in Sydney for Sunday night ... But. I know ... We can always have a drink and then leave if it's too much.

 

Soooooo ... It's late morning here in Australia now & we've got about 7 - 8 hours to go. Hubby & I are not together - I'm visiting family but I'm leaving very soon for the 2 hour drive back to Sydney. We've just talked - I wrote the original post last night and he saw it this morning before I got a chance to tell him about it. He said he's thrilled I wrote to you all. He's nervous too. Of course he is. Assuming we do go up to the couple's hotel room from the bar we think we will just start by getting it on with each other - "to connect into our own bubble" as he put it - with them beside us and get into our "slutty mode" and then take it from there.

 

Soooooo... We haven't had sex for a few days. Hubby is storing his cum he says & I can tell he is getting excited. Nervously excited like me. I want him to call me on my drive and start warming me up... He's great with that - he's very vocal and sexy. And ... oh my oh my he's a wonderful lover - did I mention that? lol. I am incredibly fortunate (and he reckons he is incredibly fortunate to be with me) and I want to feel excited that she is lucky to be lent my lover for an evening. I am not sure how I feel about the other chap - whether I'm attracted to what I've seen in the photos - but his partner says he's a very warm, very kind and very sexy chap. So that's good ...

 

I am starting to feel nervously excited too. I'd better get in the car & get driving... the journey begins. I'm going back about 3 decades to when I first lost my virginity...

 

Butterflies......

 

xxxxx

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First, what happened? How did things go?

 

Anything else that we WOULD have said...well it's too late to say anything so we'll just wait and see how it went (hoping that everything went great). So....

[BRIZZA73 39]

So when do we get to hear how it went?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

NaBo, thank you for sharing!

 

The night has passed, and we are all on the edges of our seats here!

 

Your thought process sounds much like what the Mrs and I experienced before our first play date two years ago. We were nervous, excited, with a bit of trepidation as to whether we would be OK seeing each other with someone else. We had talked it out, thought carefully, ran a movie of of the encounter in our imaginations, and came away thinking that we would be fine. But we also acknowledged that you can never really know how you'll feel until you are right there in the situation. When the moment came, we were relieved to find that we were turned on by watching and hearing each other. But the surprising thing, and this was totally unexpected, was that in addition to being turned on, we were also each genuinely happy that our spouse was getting and giving pleasure, and proud of them for being so bold and adventurous, and for being exciting to their play partner. When we felt those feelings, we knew we were going to be just fine in the lifestyle!

[NaBo 29]

Before you proceed further I want to apologise for the length of this post. I guess I'm prone to describe minutiae & I'm conscious of my need to 'talk' but I'm also hopeful that somebody may relate to what I'm writing.

 

We caught up with the other couple (I'll call them Harry & Sally) in the bar of the hotel they were both staying at for the weekend. As I mentioned before, we told them we were newbies and very nervous & when I talked with Sally a few days earlier for about 30-40 minutes, she said that it would be absolutely fine if we decided not to play. Sally also told me that while she and Harry had been in a relationship for 18 months, they live in different cities and only caught up every 8 or so weeks. So.... if we didn't hook up there would not be another opportunity for another 8 weeks.... I think - with hindsight - unconsciously I felt a bit .... pressured by that. Anywaaaaay... It sounded to me like they're more like fuck buddies than traditional beaus - in between visits she hooks up with other couples & singles as does he. So, they definitely seemed more experienced in swinging than us and Sally told me they had developed a little community they'd be happy to introduce us to - so we could play with those couples as well. Sally also suggested in our first phone call that after we all hooked up on Sunday night that she would like for us to stay in touch so that she could come over and fuck Bo & I as a threesome - that she was keen to have a "regular threesome arrangement". I felt a bit uncomfortable about that to be honest - it felt all a bit too much too soon. Sally was reassuring me that it was fine if I didn't want to play at all but in the next breath she was offering a regular threesome with me and my husband & as part of their community. Her intentions were good & she was very friendly & nice if a bit forward so I tried to play it cool. I was determined to go into this with an open mind and an open heart. And .... who knows ...

 

Anyway when Bo & I got there, Sally recognised us immediately & summonsed us to her and hugged us both very warmly. She told us that Harry was in the bathroom. There was a 2 seater lounge, a lounge chair and an ottoman type seat. I moved to sit on the lounge with Bo but Sally stopped Bo directing him to sit in the chair next to her (on the ottoman) "Bo I want you to sit here in the chair next to me & Na (me) I want you to sit just there ... (pointing to the lounge) .... Harry will be back in a sec". I replied "um, no, I want us to be on the lounge" but Sally persevered - "right, OK so then let's swap..... Bo you sit on the lounge and Na you sit in the chair" & she picked up her drink & moved to sit next to Bo on the lounge. But I stood firm "I'm sorry Sally but I am nervous & I really want Bo & I to sit together"... Obviously Sally (& possibly Harry) had planned to separate us - Bo to the chair so she could concentrate on him & me to the lounge so that Harry could chat to me. I was a little surprised that she wanted to separate us but perhaps she thought that she should take the lead... Anyway Bo & I were there as a couple to see whether we wanted to play. It felt to me that Sally viewed our 'liaison' as a 'fait acompli' and the drink in the bar was a formality or a nicety before the main event - a foregone conclusion.

 

Sally looked a little taken aback as I think she wanted to get things kicking along but was very sweet, again reassuring me / us. She really was nice if a little pushy .... They both were (nice that is ...). Harry arrived and I gave him a greeting hug & Bo shook his hand. We all chatted for about 20 or so minutes when Sally changed the subject to swinging, asking us why we became involved and what we liked about it. We all talked about what had piqued our interest - for us it was about giving life to fantasies that Bo expressed while we were fucking that revolved around fucking other people. It was a similar story for Harry & Sally - Harry had prior swinging experience, Sally none. They were discussing fantasies and ...... the rest was history. A while later, Sally said "guys the attraction is there for us so we're happy to go upstairs any time you want". We said OK and just kept talking.

 

We talked for a while longer and Bo & I quietly talked to each other. I asked Bo what he wanted to do & he said that he was OK to go upstairs. I said I didn't know yet, that I needed some more time. I was hesitating because the sexual energy just wasn't really there for me with either Harry or Sally. Certainly there was no instant attraction. I know enough though that someone's sexiness is not necessarily defined by looks & I was hoping that I would feel more attracted & more comfortable if I gave it a bit more time. Indeed I actually did find Harry more attractive as the evening progressed. He was very funny, warm, interesting, clever & seemed to have an open heart. I shared a hug with him at one stage that I actually found quite lovely as he was nice & tall & he hugged me tightly. It's important to point out though that although my attraction increased, it was from a fairly low starting point. Interestingly, although Sally was more conventionally attractive than Harry, I didn't find her particularly sexy. I guess you could say I'm bi-curious -> I'm certainly open to stretching the boundaries and it would be nice to experiment if I found a woman attractive. I mean she appeared physically attractive but I didn't get much sexy energy from her really. Bo also later told me he found it hard to connect with her - he didn't feel like he was getting a strong sexual energy from her. Also, and we risk sounding shallow perhaps (shit. Sorry in advance if so ...) but we felt surprised that Sally appeared to have made little effort with her appearance. We met in a very 'nice' bar in a pretty expensive hotel in the heart of Sydney and we had put effort into our appearance - I was wearing a long silk skirt with a loose low cut silk singlet (not too slutty though lol) with no bra underneath that hugged my breasts beautifully, sexy lace undies, sandals, nails polished, make-up, perfume and my hair was worn long and loose. Bo was in a great short sleeved shirt that showed his gorgeous broad shoulders & amazing arms & chest plus fitted pants that showed his long legs & great arse and loafers. It's warm in Sydney so I think we looked sexy and summery. Harry looked nice - he had a crisp white shirt, trousers & loafers. But, I don't know ... Sally had her hair pulled back rather severely and was wearing a loose comfy looking beige sweater that many people might wear watching tv or getting groceries, ill fitting black pants that were too short (& not in a cool way .... we call them 'ankle freezers' in Australia), no make-up (that I could discern) & chunky black shoes. Look. I again apologise if this sounds shallow but isn't meeting a new couple kind of like a first date? We had made an effort to look really nice. It wasn't about her fashion choices, it just felt like she hadn't made any effort - like it wasn't important? Maybe she felt that the drinks beforehand were a quick preliminary politeness before we all got undressed anyway so what did it matter what we're all wearing? And, you know that's fair enough if that was her thinking. Or maybe she just doesn't put much stock in all that. Which is also fair enough. It's just that we respond a bit more to people making an effort to wear something sexy. Anyway, look she had a pretty face and you could tell she had a nice enough body but Bo said he didn't feel much sexual energy, connection or interest from her. Although she did say a couple of times that they were attracted to us and wanted to go upstairs with us. And, she again offered for the three of us to get together at a later date ("or dates" she added) - given Harry would not be there... actually she reiterated this a few times. One offer would have been enough. I was also a little taken aback when she offered to give Bo her phone number so that he could call her.... Ah .... No.... not going to happen.

 

Anyway........ As an hour passed then 90 minutes, I think it became obvious that we weren't into it. I absented myself to go to the bathroom for a tinkle and a think. I was trying to muster the courage to go back & say "right ..... let's go upstairs" but I realised that if I went upstairs I would be 'taking one for the team', or 'lying back and thinking of the motherland'.... That is I would not be doing it for myself or for the union I have with my husband. I was not attracted to them and I did not want to disrespect the trust Bo & I have by going upstairs with them if I didn't really want to. I've been completely honest with everyone in this post so no point holding back now, the truth is that my body made the decision for me and probably gave us a useful 'out'. I had finished my period two days earlier and truly thought it was over but to my great surprise found when in the bathroom that it had returned. I did not have a sponge with me and I started to feel a bit crampy. So. I returned to my seat, told Bo then explained that ... sorry .... no go. It wasn't an excuse... I really did get my period again unexpectedly. Just good old mother nature.

 

Our decision to say goodnight was due to a combination of factors. I think we chose a couple that appeared 'safe' rather than a couple who we thought ... "wow they look really sexy and great". They were really nice people but plain ole lack of attraction played the biggest role in our decision. We know there's much more than just the physical in attraction but there needs to be something. It's hard to tell from photos, messages and phone calls whether you're actually going to feel attracted.. On first impressions, Harry was not really attractive to me at all. But as I said, as the evening went on he became more attractive to me. But would that translate into sexual desire? I don't think so.... Sally looked physically attractive but her presentation was lacklustre so became less sexy as the evening went on. I also felt I had to be careful that I wasn't just going upstairs to make everyone else happy. It had to be for me AND for Bo & I - for 'us'. I was conscious that should I go upstairs with them when I wasn't sure I wanted to - that I could be undermining myself and my relationship with Bo in some ways. Bo says that he trusts my 'no' and my 'yes'. I don't want to undermine that by saying 'yes' when I really would prefer 'no'.

I think Bo was better able to put aside his reservations earlier in the night but as time went on he said he lost interest in going upstairs. Not just because he sensed I didn't want to - but for himself.

 


It was a really great experience and really empowering for us as a couple. We met them, we had a great chat & decided to move on. We probably, at this stage prefer to meet first - even by Skype - then decide whether to play on another date. We will learn, move on, persevere, keep it light, keep it fun and keep prioritising our needs as a couple.

 

So... we've got a few more things lined up... we're going to our first swingers party tonight (28/10/16) so that will be interesting. There will be 15 couples in a large hotel apartment overlooking the beach. We will go for a perve and see what happens.. Hopefully we will meet up with people we are attracted to. Or maybe something more? We're also going to a new swingers club soon and we're talking to some other couples on the internet hook up website we use. So ..... we'll just see. We'll let you know how we get along tonight. And you know any swinging related experience is part of the process of 'normalising' it for us - or of finding a version of 'normal' that works for us... I think the more couples we interact, meet & chat with, the more swingers parties & clubs we go to, the more we will work out what we like, want & desire and .... don't.

 

Bo has asked me to finish up by saying that the most important thing is that we stay connected as a couple, do what feels great and respect our boundaries no matter what. We have a strong, trusting relationship and we talk about things as they arise. It's not about the other couple so much as it is about us.

[NaBo 29]

One more thing.

 

Thanks so much for your replies and posts and messages. This is actually a great place to talk & even a couple of lines in reply to our posts makes a big difference & means a lot to us. We've met some great people so far and I think the more we talk about this adventure & the more we express ourselves, the less scary it feels. Scariness can come from feeling alone with these experiences and the resultant emotions - from fear to anticipatory excitement and all in between. We feel our experience on Sunday night was very positive and I hope I didn't give the impression we were / I was nitpicking. We just learned that it's as important to find out what you don't like or want as what you do. I guess I was trying to communicate how we reacted & why we concluded what we did as well as outline the events of the night. Harry & Sally were really great people and we found them very warm and patient with us. When we were driving home Bo & I were really happy & invigorated & excited that we went along to meet them. Just because they were not for us sexually didn't mean we didn't have a great time hanging out with them. We did. We were kind of proud of ourselves for takng the step to go and meet them. And the excitement leading up to meeting them was exquisite. While I was driving back to Sydney Bo & I talked about our boundaries and by the time I got there we were ready to rip each other's clothes off. We were incredibly horny and had amazing sex - it was just .... oh!!! But then we hadn't seen each other for a few days & we have sex most days as we have strong sex drives so it was impossible to keep our hands off each other when I got back home. We didn't allow ourselves to cum though - we stored that up in anticipation of meeting our couple. We were both walking a little bandy legged as a result lol. We just used it as an opportunity to get warmed up. Then we got ready. We plan on having a similar cuddle tonight before we go out. Oh. We really love sex. It rocks! Lol...

 

So we're going to this swingers party tonight even though we've both had a long week & are tired. We have no expectations of how the evening will go. It's possibly less scary tonight because there will be about 30 people. So it's less intimate perhaps. The main point is that we're putting ourselves out there. We may or may not play but we really want to meet other swingers, swap stories and if the mood strikes fool around together - even if not with others. When we went to the swingers clubs we've just fucked in the company of others and found that very exciting. We haven't popped our cherry with another couple yet but .... all in good time. It's exciting learning to ride the bike ... lol

Will write about tonight's experience asap.

 

Hugs

NaBo

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Wow! Thanks for the detailed description of the evening!

 

I think you two both handled the evening well- with maturity, judgement informed by careful reflection, and excellent self-awareness. I'd say you guys navigated that situation very nicely, especially for a first-time get-together with another couple.

 

It sounds like the other couple were a little pushy, in an enthusiastic way. Their approach might have worked just great if you two had been feeling some sexual chemistry, but if not, it does sound a little bit forward. To be honest, we have always liked the idea of "sitting swapped" when we meet a couple. But if the other couple is not comfortable with that seating arrangement, we would immediately accommodate them, and not insist on sitting swapped, as Harry and Sally seemed to do. That does feel just plain pushy to me, especially with them knowing this was your first time. Harry and Sally did themselves and you no favors by pressing on that point, and should have taken that as a signal to "downshift". They ticked the pressure up a bit more by mentioning the threesome business.

 

I think you two did everything right that evening. You were friendly, gave it the old college try in terms of giving the chemistry a chance to develop, and when it just wasn't there, you stayed true to yourselves and each other, and said good night without going upstairs.

 

We put it right in our online profile that we generally do not play on the first date. We say "generally" because there have been occasional exceptions, where the four of us had a rapid connection, and we decided we were comfortable and wanted to go play after dinner. But by setting the other couple's expectations toward not playing, we know we are not disappointing anyone by saying good night after the check arrives.

 

I hope you two have fun (had fun?) at the party. But I think you are better suited to making your first play experience out of a couple-to-couple get-together, rather than the faster pace of a party. Despite the somewhat mixed outcome of your first dinner date, I think that is the right way to do things for you. I encourage you to try again! I also encourage you to continue to be as thoughtful, discerning, and sensitive to yourselves and each other as you were this time out. Before long, you will meet another couple who you both really like, and who both turn you on!

 

Good luck, and let us know how the party went!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Your response is not too long, so don't worry about that. Also, we agree that you did everything right. This is why we also put in our profile that our first meeting is just to meet, not to play. You can tell more in five minutes after meeting someone in person than you can tell in a lifetime of emails/texts/phone conversations. If 'it' isn't there, then it isn't there. There are seemingly two 'types' in the L/S: those who just want to play and don't care who they play with (usually one and done) and those who are looking for more...a spark, FWB type of thing (AKA quantity vs. quality...no disrespect to either groups and this is just from our experience). They sounded more like quantity and you should like you are looking for quality. It wasn't a match, move on to the next couple. Oh, and NEVER take one for the team. Good luck tonight, and in the coming nights, you'll eventually find what you are looking for. Don't rush or try and force things. Just have a good time.

 

Also, the amazing sex you two had after...very common but usually its also very spectacular.

[NaBo 29]

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing with us. It's ten or so days later and I just want to reflect on sentiments expressed in some of the replies here and just ... talk. It helps a lot to write about all this - even though this has morphed into a post about being new rather than a specific event. Perhaps I should start a new post? I've never actually posted in a forum before - so I'm not sure about the norms. Please let me know if I should do this. If not, I'll just keep expressing myself here for a while.

 

It's a relief to know other people feel trepidation about seeing their partner with another person. We really loved the comment by CoupleInMD79 about how proud you were as well as turned on by hearing and seeing each other enthralled. We are really hopeful that we will feel something similar.. Also GoldCoCouple, thanks for your input - your breaking down swingers into the two groups makes a lot of sense even though you recognise you're making broad generalisations. Through a matter of necessity, Harry & Sally seem to prefer to meet, play, whammo. And .... nothing wrong with that of course. On the swingers websites we frequent we noticed that some couples state outright that they're not much for the social side & once they decide on a couple they're happy to meet and play straight away. We are more like you - at least for our first few times (we'd want at least a few play dates before we decided if swinging was for us or not. We would prefer to meet, chat, feel if there's a connection between the four of us, leave, talk and then it's a yes or no for a future date. We watched a show on swinging and one of the couples said that they were fortunate that for their first time they found a couple who were really experienced and who were very patient and happy to go slowly and almost ... mentored them through their first experience or experiences ... That would be so awesome.

 

At this point I'm genuinely in awe of those people - such as several of those who have replied to my / our posts - who truly, genuinely love seeing their (insert whichever feels right) ... partners, lovers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, other label, and / or no label applies ... enjoying themselves sexually with another person. I aspire to that. To imagine myself delighted and proud that he is happily fucking someone else and feeling the same from him is absolutely the goal but it's a bit hard for me to imagine feeling that right now. I definitely feel like I'm the more nervous of the two of us. I had not felt so sexually liberated and alive with previous partners as now so I was not as sexually adventurous as Bo before we met and fell in love. Bo had not participated in swinging as part of a couple before but he had played as a single and was into BDSM with another partner so I guess he is/was more comfortable at the sexual fringes. I adored sex but I had never even taken a photo of myself nude let alone taken sexually explicit photos & videos... and then posted some of them online - albeit anonymously.... I knew I was an incredibly sexual person but I guess it became easy to shut down my more adventurous sexual self before Bo. What I'm getting at is that while we both have strongly sexual natures and Bo adores how highly sexed and kinky I can be, I feel that it's a (? much ?) bigger stretch for me than for him to fool around with other people at this stage.

 

I guess I'm highly conditioned - as are many. Marriage / partnership has been steeped in romance and love for a long time (vs it being a strategic move between families - ie merging of family farms or property etc as in past centuries) so we have equated sexual & emotional fidelity as central to the success of that arrangement. As such we are institutionalised to certain norms and those who step or act aside those normative parameters are acting outside what is ethical. Marriage, & in recent decades 'partnership', has/have fairly strict boundaries when it comes to fidelity and straying from or stepping outside the predominant and culturally accepted norms can be threatening and frightening for some. I'm working on my inherent tendency to view sex as equated with love - a VERY powerful message. It's sold to us through all the major institutions- family, media, politics and religion. Marketing tells us that two people & one relationship equals a happy & fulfilled life and there's to be no hanky panky with anyone else forEVER. If you don't subscribe to that then you're not to be trusted.

 

But we're exploring something very very different - that love and fidelity can remain present while a couple explores sex with other people is possible despite it being outside what we've been 'sold'. I know that I want to step outside decades of indoctrination of what a 'good' and healthy relationship & of what fidelity / infidelity look like, and embrace a new version of 'normal' - tailor made for us. That would be extraordinarily wonderful. I also know that I WANT to feel happy for Bo and feel wonderful that he's happy for me.

 

And yes, again back to the point - I'll / we'll never know unless we just .... just .... (I want to say 'just do it but the phrase was so effectively hijacked as a bloody Nike slogan tha I can't say it lol) .... dive into the pond ... (there... that's better... lol).

It's all just academic until then.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I'm on the side of anybody who takes a thoughtful approach. My wife and I, at the time we started, thought about it, then thought about it, then thought about it, then dove into the water heads-first. We have no regrets.

[intuition897 2,179]

I guess I'm highly conditioned - as are many. Marriage / partnership has been steeped in romance and love for a long time (vs it being a strategic move between families - ie merging of family farms or property etc as in past centuries) so we have equated sexual & emotional fidelity as central to the success of that arrangement. As such we are institutionalised to certain norms and those who step or act aside those normative parameters are acting outside what is ethical. Marriage, & in recent decades 'partnership', has/have fairly strict boundaries when it comes to fidelity and straying from or stepping outside the predominant and culturally accepted norms can be threatening and frightening for some. I'm working on my inherent tendency to view sex as equated with love - a VERY powerful message. It's sold to us through all the major institutions- family, media, politics and religion. Marketing tells us that two people & one relationship equals a happy & fulfilled life and there's to be no hanky panky with anyone else forEVER. If you don't subscribe to that then you're not to be trusted.

 

But we're exploring something very very different - that love and fidelity can remain present while a couple explores sex with other people is possible despite it being outside what we've been 'sold'. I know that I want to step outside decades of indoctrination of what a 'good' and healthy relationship & of what fidelity / infidelity look like, and embrace a new version of 'normal' - tailor made for us. That would be extraordinarily wonderful. I also know that I WANT to feel happy for Bo and feel wonderful that he's happy for me.

 

Hi NaBo. You're right, this is a big hurdle. These belief patterns can dominate our lives and set up fences where there needn't be any.

 

Mr. intuition and I went through a rough patch around year 9 of our marriage, and we had the traumatic blessing of needing to start over from scratch. I mean from SCRATCH. We had nothing left to lose, and I think that was key to building a successful relationship that kept the love, emotional intimacy, and commitment, and allowed us to ditch stupid rules that were imposed on us "just because". We finally realized hey! this is OUR relationship, so if we're going to do this, WE'RE making the rules this time...and the rest of the world can just suck a dick.

 

Monogamy was an unnecessary moving part in the machine that was unwanted, unneeded, and only existed as something to break and gum up the works. So we asked ourselves, why are we maintaining this bullshit thing again? Oh, right, because we were told we had to be monogamous. Well...that smelled like bullshit to us. We know one another's hearts, and we know that neither of us intends the other harm. We also know that it's normal and natural to be attracted to other people. What, am I supposed to be pissed off at my husband if it's lunch time and his stomach growls at someone else's cooking? So maybe - bodies being bodies and doing their very human thing - he pops a boner when he catches the scent of another woman who is just his type, and she happens to be standing close to him in an elevator. It's just physical chemistry. We've all felt it, and we've never felt less love, respect or attraction for our partner when it happens, right? So why would we believe our partner's experience of the same attraction to be any different? Why would he love you less just because he happens to be physically curious about someone else? Our belief that our significant other is harbouring a secret resentment towards us is just our own insecurities talking.

 

It sounds like you two have a good relationship; I can only recommend sharing your concerns with him, saying this is what makes me nervous, I think this is why, and I'd appreciate it if you could A) do/not do this or that, and B) clarify whether my fears/concerns are realistic.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Nabo. First, thanks for dragging me out of retirement here on the boards I really enjoyed your email.

 

I can almost feel your emotions jumping off the page as I read your threads. You have really done an amazing job of detailing your concerns and I applaud you because it takes quite a bit of courage to put yourself out here on these forums because making ourselves vulnerable is not necessarily true to our nature.

 

Over the years my opinion has changed as my experiences have changed. I no longer believe that there is a right or wrong way to approach swinging as long as your approach is paved with mutual understanding, trust, and respect for each other. Mistakes will be made, regrets will arise, but at the end of the day it's how the two of you deal with those mistakes and regrets that matter and that isn't much different than any other part of a healthy relationship.

 

You are at a fork in the road. Down one trail is the path you have been on together. It's the comfortable path, the path you both know and down the other path is the unknown. You can attempt to stare down that road and guess at what may be down there but you won't actually know until you go. Jealousy is a real concern. I have seen many relationships crumble over the last seven years and yet I have seen many others, like ours, transform. I wouldn't quite say we are a poly couple but we have migrated towards couples where there has been substantial intimacy. It's not for everyone but we are getting out of the lifestyle what we want and that's what you need to figure out. And it may change as you change but you shouldn't not do something out of worry. If I had a dollar for every time I worried about something and then it turned out completely different than I anticipated, it would easily fund our yearly swingers cruise

 

People in the lifestyle are just like anyone else you meet. They are pushy, kind, bitchy, loving, etc., so keep looking. Find that couple that makes you shiver because life is too short to settle for sex with people you don't like. Mrs Digginit has a boyfriend of almost 5 months. I've yet to find someone that I can spend more than a few hours at a time with. Don't keep score. Too many couples do and it only leads to animosity. Just remember that the two are you are in this together and don't forget to be loving to one another as you progress through the experiences. Love and lust are two equally powerful emotions, never get them confused.

 

Keep coming here to talk things out if needed because if you are like me then you enjoy different perspectives, even if you don't agree with them. My mind processes things differently when I write my thoughts out and read through them so for me that is an added bonus.

 

I really wish the two of you the absolute best. There is so much that we have gained from our experiences. I don't think I would trade any of them, even the bad ones.

 

PS - I absolutely hate to meet up, have a drink, and then go back to fuck. If it's with a couple I've known, fine, but no matter how attractive the other couple is, I've never enjoyed it. I want to like the person I'm having sex with and I want to know that they really like me.

[sahajacpl 95]

I'm on the side of anybody who takes a thoughtful approach. My wife and I, at the time we started, thought about it, then thought about it, then thought about it, then dove into the water heads-first. We have no regrets.

 

Dear NaBo: This quote says it all. Too much thought and a couple gets into analysis paralysis. A couple needs to be able to separate love from pure sex when you are ready to swap mates. After all, you are meeting another couple/s for the same purpose - so the male (her hubby) wants to fuck your wife and you the wife wants to fuck the husband. Once you have gathered the courage to do a full swap, i.e., have intercourse with each others husband/wife, then you will have no regrets after the sexual encounter or act, just pure sexual joy, and, satisfaction. As a couple please do enjoy the moment of sexual liberation that comes with swapping mates with another couple/s for sex. Then after your first liberating sexual encounter you as a couple should explore variations in swinging such as group sex (many couples), dp, orgies, gang bangs, etc. Take your time to explore these variations in swinging and you will not regret your carefully considered decision to get out of non-monogamy and the conventional view of sex as intercourse strictly between husband and wife only. We wish more couples take the path to sexual liberation that you two have chosen.