Our shyness hurting our swinging!

[PebblesCanDo 45]

We've been in the lifestyle for a couple of years and have had some fantastic times, we've also had a couple of "what were we thinking" times. Our biggest issue of all is that she is shy and he is quiet and that does NOT make for an easy go of things. We don't know what to say or how to approach another couple or person unless it starts online. Writing is a breeze for her (don't you wish you knew which part of the couple you were talking to?), so she can start an online conversation and that eases the transition to meeting in person. Group settings are a whole new ball of wax! We don't know how to approach, what to say, etc. So we are in the back, in the corner in the dark, observing but being "wall flowers". but we're not!

 

We've never heard anyone have a conversation, don't have a clue as to how to start one, or how the subject of consensual couples sex is broached! The situations that we have been involved in are mostly good, until it's an open arena where there are a lot of people, and then the blending into the wall happens!So,with both of us being unsure, we've not had success at house parties or clubs. We know we're not compatible with everyone, but nobody approaches us because of our personalities! It's a shame too because once we're comfortable with someone we're a lot of fun! We just need some ice breakers or something! Advice please!

[Alura 2,773]

This is not an unusual problem, PebblesCanDo. You, not the people around you, are the ones who can change it.

 

Learn to share. Instead of holding back, ("Don't you wish you knew..."), tell folks who you are and what y'all think.

 

Develop an interest in other people. Show this by asking them questions about themselves. My late wife liked to start sentences with, "How do y'all feel about ... ?" The question starts a conversation because it can't be answered with "yes" or "no."

 

Move out of the darkness. Find a table near the dance floor.

 

Smile a lot!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

You've received a valuable hint from Alura. People like best to talk about themselves. I will add that the conversation does not need to be about getting down and dirty. Talk about everyday things. If there is an attraction, the subject of sex will arise quite naturally.

[kikonkrome 843]

Make it a game, how many people can we talk to tonight? That's our easiest one. Also, DO NOT SIT IN THE BACK, you are telling everyone you do not want to talk. Sit where there is traffic, or just stand. A little action on your part goes a long way.

 

Dale Carnegie is worth the read, so is How to Talk to Anyone. I get that it's harder for you than for most. Baby steps go a long way.

 

You can also check this out...

 

Kiko's Top 10 Pickup Lines at a Swing Club

 

Finally don't be 'offended' put off when people are not into it...bam on to the next one, everyone has rough nights. I have also had numerous occasions where I dropped a one liner only for things to work out later.

[asncpl 728]

Develop an interest in other people. Show this by asking them questions about themselves. My late wife liked to start sentences with, "How do y'all feel about ... ?" The question starts a conversation because it can't be answered with "yes" or "no."

 

I learned what Alura said from a networking seminar a long time ago, and it works in all kinds of situations. The best part about where you are now is that you already have a common interest when you meet people: swinging! Simple questions like "how did you get started in swinging" and "how long have you been doing it" are usually great ways to start. I like to pick people's brain on issues that I face, so something like "how do you deal with blah blah blah" not only is a conversation starter, but I may also learn something in the process.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

It's VERY hard to get started but it gets easier as you go. The hardest part is it is you that must start things. The above suggestions are great, but you also have the old stand-by: We're new here, can you offer any suggestions on how to (fill in the blank) or we're new here, how long have you been coming here? We're new here and we are amazed at how (confident/sexy/comfortable/attractive/etc) you two are, how do you do it? Once you get started, I promise it gets easier. Also, if another couple just isn't interested, DON'T take it personally. If they aren't interested, they are actually doing you a favor by not taking up your time that you could be using to find a couple that you are interested in. This isn't high school, if there isn't mutual attraction, then politely move on to the next couple. One last thing, this is always supposed to be an enjoyable outing together, so treat it as such. No expectations other than having an evening out with your SO. No matter what happens, you are still most likely going to get lucky with her/him when you get home so just have fun.

[PebblesCanDo 45]

Thank you all so much, we'll be using these tips the next time the occasion arises!

[Guest]

My hubby is not a talker (but a great writer.) But if we act as a couple, I don’t view it as a handicap and especially not in a swinging situation. I mean, come on, no one is there for the conversation. At best, you want to talk to them to ensure they brush their teeth regularly and don’t have dragon breath on this particular night, or don’t start off with phrases of how much they hate women (or men) since their divorce. Kidding aside, the conversation is normally one about interests and prohibitions, likes and dislikes, and then its off to bed.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

If you see something you like about another couple, you can start off with that. "My wife and I saw you from across the room, and we really like that necklace you're wearing- where did you get that?" Or, "That body art is very interesting and beautiful. Is there a story behind that?" Many people have a back-story behind their tattoos, and they are often fascinating and moving. I also like the old standby of, "Hi, we're Barney and Betty. We're new here, and having some trouble breaking the ice with people." Admitting that vulnerability is actually an offer on your part to open up and connect with the people you're talking to. It's a risk but, as Captain Kirk once said, "risk is our business." And each time you take a little risk like that, and it's rewarded with a pleasant (and perhaps helpful) conversation, you will have a little more confidence for the next time!

[PeterJ 927]

A lot of terrific advice has been offered here. One additional thing I would suggest is doing some behavioral rehearsal. Role playing is a great way to get comfortable with an activity you find yourself a bit anxious about.

 

Take any of the excellent ice-breaker suggestions in the comments above and then try saying them to one another. Each of pretend for the moment you are not a couple, but that you are speaking to a person you've never met before. You don't have to take the conversation very far, just back and forth three of four times. Do this for about 10 or 15 minutes a day for four or five days. Be sure to do it for a couple of days before the next time you go to a club. Don't expect this exercise will make make approaching another couple easy-peasy, but it should ease your anxiety about that initial approach and -- perhaps more important -- make the whole conversation more comfortable and hopefully productive.

 

This exercise would be easier and also work better if you could do it with another lifestyle couple, but I'm assuming at this point you don't yet have those friends. And you won't want to do this with vanilla friends or relatives. :-)