Hotwifing, but I want to play, too

[Lee6657 15]

First time in discussion. Married 24 years, wife plays but I haven't. We are both strictly straight. Wife has been involved for several years with other men, some single, married, older and younger. I enjoy her being enjoyed. No known actual swingers but more like fwb and sexual affairs. I have been interested in doing the same thing, however my wife is not supportive or encouraging.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I think that you have arrived at the right place to tell your situation. WELCOME to Swingersboard.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

What you are doing is called "Hotwifing" or "Hotwife". Yes, it comes under the umbrella here, however, I am concerned about you wanting to enter more into the L/S but she isn't willing to let you. Swinging is about equality (which isn't necessarily true with hotwifes, and that's okay if you are both into it). I'm thinking that you both need to start communicating more about this, unless you are both fine with how things are. That's all beside the point since the point here is to say:

 

[Lee6657 15]

Good to know. Never heard of that desription but ut fits well. Thank you.

[Lee6657 15]

Read up on this HOTWIFE it does describe us very well. Now my query becomes do I just need her to be more active? I find I want to have recipricatory feeling with another woman. No I don't already have any realationships or girlfriends. Zero. Shes not supportive and even gets angry and hurt if I discuss it.

[Alura 2,775]

from Oklahoma, Lee! You can find answers here. Good luck!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, it's great to have you here with us!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hello, Lee6657, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

Something seems fundamentally unfair about your situation. Yes, there is the hotwife scenario, but presumably the successful hotwife situation is voluntary, comfortable, and satisfactory for both husband and wife. This does not appear to be the case for you two.

 

What is your wife's basis for believing that she should be allowed to have sex with other guys, but is justified at feeling angry and hurt about the prospect of you having sex with another woman? There is an obvious inequity here!

 

Do you two have a satisfactory relationship otherwise? Do you two communicate well, and have a solid basis of love and trust between you? If you do, then you should be able to talk through this fundamental inequity, each express your feelings, and understand each other's feelings on the subject.

 

If this kind of discussion is not possible, I wonder if the fact of her having boyfriends on the side isn't causing some damage to the relationship. How would she react if you asked her to stop?

[Lee6657 15]

You hit the nail on the head with the unequal situation. These posting have actually helped answer some questions and figure somethings out. I am not really desiring another woman so much as the excitement of something new. I gave some thought to when and why the subject comes up and its when my wife is not going out. We discussed the new revalations and are looking for a better way to satisfy the Hotwife fun by finding a better source for the men. We do communicate and the stepping out is onesided.

She has discussed a couple swap in same room may possible for her. This seems a little controlling seeing as she refuses to even take pics or video most times with her the other men and definately nothing on first sex date. Now understand often the men she sees don't know about our arrangement and most assume it's an affair but just sexual. Problem with living in Oklahoma's small towns. Adult FF has been used but often liars and other issues arrive from it. Also just talking to her about another woman she gets upset and uptight and judgemental. So what makes her believe she would be ok in the same room?

Now I haven' t been with another woman in a long time. So I don't think its unfair to ask for modicum of privacy and comfort.

Yes my wife is a one sided jealousy nut but she's a wonderful woman. This realy seems to be about the only flaw she shows.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Setting aside for the moment the communication, jealousy, and inequity issues, I will address a couple other issues you raised.

 

Besides AFF, there are other swinger-oriented sites where you can go to find solo guys, or couples. Sites like SLS, SDC, SZC, Swingtowns, APG, Kasidie, or Quiver are reputable places that help swingers to meet. SLS is a great place to start, as thy are a popular site, and have a free membership level so you can try them out before deciding whether to pay for full membership.

 

The same-room request is not at all uncommon for couples who swap (with great effort, I'm trying hard to ingnore the fact that she plays with other guys by herself...). But as a question in and of itself, swapping in the same room is not at all uncommon. Many couples enjoying the lifestyle in a healthy and happy way enjoy having everybody in the same room, because then you both get to enjoy not only the person you're playing with, but also get to enjoy seeing and hearing your spouse's pleasure with their play partner. So in some ways, that particular request is a reasonable and common one.

[Alura 2,775]

My late wife and I experimented with "Hot Wifing" early in our marriage, Lee. It was out first swinging experience and was described in our novel. Click on the link below for a free sample.

 

We decided it was fun and both enjoyed it, but there was not enough interest to try it again. We decided to direct our efforts toward couple swapping.

 

I hope you and your wife manage to find a more equitable solution.

 

Good luck to both y'all!

[Lee6657 15]

Thank everyone that has commented. You have all presented very friendly and truly insightful discussion. Sometimes admitting a mistake is hard, but lack of knowledge seems to have been my greatest weakness. I do share these with my wife and she agrees we have been going about this the wrong way. The sites recommended will be investigated. My reservations about these sites has been due to testing the waters and finding sharks and thousands of piranhas attacking. Weeding through the mess was like driving blind through a mine field. Honestly talking here has renewed my trust that maybe there are people like us and this can be fun.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

No, thank you! On the 'pay' sites (most of which allow free profiles) there aren't as many Parana as you may think. Now the FREE sites (CL for example)...different story. Good luck and let us know how things are progressing for the two of you.

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

.... My reservations about these sites has been due to testing the waters and finding sharks and thousands of piranhas attacking. Weeding through the mess was like driving blind through a mine field. Honestly talking here has renewed my trust that maybe there are people like us and this can be fun.

 

That's another segment of education and discussion; fast & efficient screening of possible partners/playmates. I'd recommend you sit back for a moment and review all the messages/conversations you remember for common points linking the bad ones, and the good ones. Once you start systematically recalling these 'indicators' you can spot the good ones a lot faster. Search around for other discussions on this subject.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

One of the greatest benefits of joining a paid site is being able to find events. In my opinion that is the best way to meet couples and quality singles. Hopefully there are meet and greets, hotel parties or clubs in your area. That way you can get to know people without spending a lot of time wading through online profiles and communication.

 

As for your situation, I think you need to continue talking to your wife. Tell her your feelings about the inequity of the way things have been. I would start by agreeing together that you both can say whatever needs to be said without the other getting angry or hurt. It is a discussion, not you trying to wound each other.

[Lee6657 15]

Well said and some of it is being discussed. There still seems to be a real sense of jealousy regarding her actually talking about possible opportunities for me. Although she says she's ok with me dipping my toes in the water she wants control over it... The water body, the temperature, the time spent, the water quality, etc...

 

When pointed out that when she goes swimming the only real stipulations have been for her safety, her enjoyment, and that the truth must always shared. No secrets allowed.

 

She hasn't been able to rebut the arguments presented, however she does like to redirect the points.

 

My wife sounds like a self centered, manipulative, person and in some ways I have fostered the behavior. She would just call herself stubborn.

 

I sound like a sex starved, brow beaten husband, but that really isn't the case. I hadn't desired this until last couple years.

Did I mention I'm not a very social person. I am friendly with people I get to know but large social gatherings bother me.

 

I'm writing a book so I'll leave it there and say thanks for a least letting me vent.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Hi Lee. I think you are getting some wrong impressions. Your situation is as normal as you feel it is. I understand your not really wanting another woman, but I also understand your desire for more excitement. My wife and I used to share men. She was uncomfortable seeing me with another woman and that's fine. We were doing what we found to be comfortable. You just need to find a common niche where you get more excitement and she doesn't feel pressured or uncomfortable. Have you considered a 3way? Just curious.

[Lee6657 15]

If the three way you are referring to is us and another guy, yes we have discussed this.

First point I would make is how does that address her jealousy issue. Second is I am not into direct involvement with her and her other cock. I don't even want to be in room. I actually prefer her not even knowing I am watching. I prefer an unencumbered real reaction by both of them.

If your idea was a three way of us and another woman. Honestly that would be so funny. We have discussed it and her reaction is not sexy or encouraging. She reacts negatively to just talking about another woman. She also expresses that she isn't into women at all. So not going to happen.

Just to reiterate the jealousy level of my wife. She also started a message string on this forum. Yeah she totally is comfortable and trusting...

Her jealousy is very flattering on one hand and scary as hell on the other.

She is way out of my league in looks.

She appears at least 10 yrs younger than me. She works out everyday and eats right. To say the least she is a very attractive athletic redhead.

Yes she has Irish heritage. That might explain a few things

Talk to you later.