Feeling guilty

[cSwing 45]

Hello everyone,

 

So, we are pretty new to the LS. We've only been in for about a year with time taken off due to pregnancy and recently got our groove back and have had more full SWAP encounters lately. Initially, there was a lot of self doubt and incrimination when the subject first came up but after talking it through CONTINUOUSLY we took the plunge. Back when we first started, our situations weren't ideal. We had some rules broken and we talked it over and managed to forgive and take it as a learning curve. Fast forward to now and we recently had our first mutual desired swap and had a blast! But now what I'm feeling is odd. I used to feel twinges of jealousy and anxiety in the early stages but now, I feel guilt. We played last weekend and yesterday at a house party we hosted. The Mr. Played with a beautiful woman on the couch where I could see, there was oral and lots of other events taking place. One of our rules is same room so we were within eyesight of each other and I had fun. Loved it and was glad he had a good time too. I even high fives him later that night for getting the pretty woman lol. But today, I feel shame and guilt for even enjoying something like that. I feel embarrassed and like this isn't something I should be doing. Like it's violating the sanctity of my marriage. These emotions are recent but they spurred up last weekend too. I've discussed it with the Mr. But I don't think he understands. Please help. How can i make the guilty feeling go away?!

[jeff111 44]

I don't really have an answer for you as I don't have experience in that area, however, definitely don't play until you have talked worked it through with your Mr.

 

Sometimes, what was okay previously is not okay anymore for reasons unknown consciously.

 

Forgive yourself and take a breath, at the very least, you and your Mr had given each other permission, so you haven't done anything behind each others backs. If it's not enjoyable afterwards then maybe it's not for you anymore?

 

And keep talking to each other about it!

[Lionheart72 2,192]

But today, I feel shame and guilt for even enjoying something like that. I feel embarrassed and like this isn't something I should be doing. Like it's violating the sanctity of my marriage. These emotions are recent but they spurred up last weekend too. I've discussed it with the Mr. But I don't think he understands. Please help. How can i make the guilty feeling go away?!

 

I believe if you can get to the root of why you are feeling this way, you will understand what the actual problem is. Once you understand what the problem is, and only then, you will be able to deal with it.

 

So - why do you feel guilty? You mention violating the sanctity of your marriage. Why do you feel that you have done this? Especially because, based on what you've said here, you didn't actually do anything. About what exactly do you feel guilt and shame?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Thank you for asking this question.

 

Our culture has had our whole lives to work on us and tell us how to think about many situations, to establish the norms of right and wrong behavior. One of the things that society teaches us, through many different avenues, is that monogamy is the only right way to behave, and that sex with someone you're not married or committed to is cheating, a betrayal, a sin- regardless of how you and your spouse feel about it. The cultural expectations that we perceive others having tells us that we should feel guilty and ashamed for having sex outside of a committed relationship.

 

If you're like my wife, you hear the voices of specific people telling you this in your head- parents, priests, "respectable" friends. They are always there, ready to tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself for what you did at that party.

 

But those voices, insistent as they are, are NOT the voices of either you or your husband! And after all, aren't your voices the ones who really matter the most to you? My wife was able to let those other voices go once she really accepted that those people are not the ones who run her life- that she is in charge of her life, she is the one who is responsible, to herself and to me, and that our happiness is our own, and no one else's to give or take away.

 

Should you feel embarrassed or ashamed? If you and your husband have given each other consent to play with others, if you both are enjoying it, if your relationship remains strong and solid, and if you're not hurting anybody, then NO, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed! Is this something you shouldn't be doing? If all of the above conditions are true, then there's no reason why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing. Are you violating the sanctity of your marriage? The marriage vows are really about maintaining your commitment to love, honor, and cherish each other. If you both are still honoring that commitment, staying strong and solid together even while practicing ethical non-monogamy, then the sanctity of your promise to each other remains intact.

 

In short, I feel that those of us who are successfully engaging in the lifestyle, keeping our relationships strong and solid, and not hurting anybody, should be comfortable with our choices and proudly enjoy the adventure with our significant other!

 

So, you mentioned some missteps earlier in your swinging adventure. Are you certain that you're both really OK in the aftermath of those broken rules? Did you feel that his playing with the woman on the couch was comfortably in compliance with the rules you've agreed to? I just wanted to check in with you about this, since you've got some feelings happening these days, and sometimes the onset of these feelings might be a good motivation for a more general examination of the landscape.

[EastInWest 1,527]

But today, I feel shame and guilt for even enjoying something like that. I feel embarrassed and like this isn't something I should be doing. Like it's violating the sanctity of my marriage. These emotions are recent but they spurred up last weekend too. I've discussed it with the Mr. But I don't think he understands. Please help. How can i make the guilty feeling go away?!

 

"I loved that, but I wasn't supposed to love that."

 

You have a concept of your marriage that doesn't include this, one that was presumably passed to you from your background. First and foremost, though, it's your marriage. If you both loved it and you're high-fiving your husband over it, there's nothing to feel guilty about. It belongs to you two and it's your little bubble to be happy in.

 

Is there some person or institution in particular that you feel accountable to that you think would disapprove?

 

If you're like my wife, you hear the voices of specific people telling you this in your head- parents, priests, "respectable" friends. They are always there, ready to tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself fo what you did at that party.

 

You explain this very well across different threads. Mrs. EastInWest's mom tells her about the evils of being horny so loudly that your wife can probably hear Mrs. EastInWest's mom, too. Unbelievably, Mrs. EastInWest was telling me this morning that she thinks one of the things that loosened her up to indulge in our first real "play sessions" was realizing that her sister (the sister who is most like her and tends to worry a lot like Mrs. EastInWest) had also started voicing her frustration with their mom's criticisms (not about sex, but things from 25 years ago that still stung).

 

It's been clear to me for a long time that it's intensely cultural, and she had a whole network of nuns as backup singers.

[cSwing 45]

Hi all,

 

Time for an update. So we talked. Feeling much better about the guilt. As for a CouplenMD79, no the couch and him playing hadn't bothered me at all. I didn't really watch him, more so just made sure he was ok and having fun then went back to receiving oral from the Mr.s play-partners husband. I think a lot of my anxiety was coming from over analyzing. I tend to overthink things in the grand scheme and it is always things that need not be over thought. You are right in the fact that this is our happy bubble. Something we do with and for each other. Therefore, guilt should be non-existence unless we breech our rules.

 

One thing I will say made me worrisome intially was that his play partner had squirted. ALOT! I assume for most men, that has to be an ego boost and I have only ever done it once with him, so I kind of felt like I couldn't deliver that to him if he enjoyed it. She didn't make him orgasm when she was on top though and I'm sure it was because he had been a little tipsy and his stamina is raised then. In hindsight when I don't over think it, I am genuinely happy for him. Like "Good for you, Babe she didn't stand a chance!" Lol. We had great sex last night. I rode him into tomorrow-land and I kept thinking of him playing with her and it made me climax twice, back to back (is that normal to get off from imagining a memory but not really being turned on when it was happening) Shortly after, he came too and after we had cleaned up, he said to me "Good job Babe, I have never been able to cum when I'm being riden." As he high fived me. Big confidence boost I took the liberty of messaging the couple and they were quite happy with us too. We are trying to schedule another meet.

 

I know I over analyze things and it's a work in progress. I keep reminding myself of the great advice you gave CouplenMD79. It helped a lot. And I can already feel our closeness building. My husband told me there is nothing to feel guilty about and that he loves me just the same the next day, if not more.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Squirting is a funny thing. A woman's tendency to squirt depends only some on the technique and "equipment" being used on her- I think it depends more on how the woman happens to be feeling that day, how rested and hydrated she is, her frame of mind, comfort level, her own general "squirting habit", and her excitement level.

 

My Mrs had her first real projectile squirt at a house party one time (not by me- by one of the other guys at the party). She told me about it afterwards on our way home, and I was thrilled for her! I also made a mental note to find that guy next time we were all together at a party, and ask him and the Mrs to do that again, so I could take notes! When we all met next, he and my wife have it the old college try, but it just didn't happen anything like the last time. The stars just happened to be aligned differently the second time.

 

My point is that it's too unpredictable of a thing to assign too much importance to one occasion. And with both you and your husband "practicing" your sexy mambo with other people, you are both bound to learn some things and grow your sexual repertoire. Soon you will both be even more skilled with each other!

[adamgunn 1,461]

You asked, "is that normal to get off from imagining a memory but not really being turned on when it was happening".

 

The answer to almost any question involving the Lifestyle that begins with "Is it normal" is "Yes." We all have our own kinks and turn-ons. You share those with some people, others not so much.

 

In your case, I can guess that while everything was happening - to you as well as him - is you were in a bit of an overload. (And wasn't it fun?) Now that you've calmed and can consider what happened, the memory brings a rush.

 

I wouldn't worry about it.