Newbies-A little disapointed of the lack of class in the "lifestyle".

[J&Kliketoplay 17]

Is it just about the sex for everyone?

 

My wife and I have been married 14 years. Early on we had some threesomes with a few women we knew. Then a few months ago we met a new woman and ended up in the sack something like 10 out of 14 straight days. It was awesome and it got us back to thinking about getting into the lifestyle. We thought for a long time about a guy who could join us. We settled and agreed on semi-friend. We talked to him about it one night and he was all in. We've now had a bunch of fabulous nights with him too.

 

He is married though so his availability is very limited and the lady we met recently fell madly in love with some guy (good for her!). So we decided to step out and take out some profiles on swinger sites and look around for others. Preferably another couple but singles as well.

 

Anyways, our first experience out there actively searching has been pretty bad. It's always been somewhat organic in the past with friendships or at least a mutual respect already established. This is the first time we've talked to others with it being upfront that we're swingers.

 

We're currently getting flooded with tons of dick pics or pics of some guy's wife with a 10 gallon bucket of jizz on her face. As if this is all supposed to get us going? Is this how the "scene" is? To be honest, what we enjoy has been the more subtle parts. The dates out, flirting, intellectual conversations, the playing around of course but in a classy, candles, back massages and sexy lingerie way.

 

Everyone else seems to want to tell us how heavy their load is or send pictures with proof their wife can double shoe horn a group of guys with the best of them... Yikes..

 

No judgement... Whatever you enjoy. I just assumed there were as many swingers out there looking for sensual nights out as us. We haven't been able to find them though and that's been quite frustrating.

 

Any advice? Should we be looking somewhere we don't know about? Is this just how it is and we have to wade through it to find what we want?

 

Thanks!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

You can have success with online sites, we've met some great people and close friends that way. We're interested in couples so we just have singles blocked, so problem solved there for us. But, if singles are what you are after, I'm sure you can find them on the online sites too, you are just going to have to sort through a lot more silliness on your way to finding them.

 

What's your profile like? I ask that because from what I have seen, what your profile is like has a lot to do with what you get in return. Come off as sane, serious, and low key, then some of the crazier full of themselves wannabe swingers really don't see much fun in you, so they search for greener pastures. Just something to consider...

[Lionheart72 2,191]

Generally speaking, this is why I prefer meeting people at clubs. You can meet people online, but you have to sift through a lot of trash to find gold.

 

To answer you're first question though - for me (and I'm not speaking for anyone else) yes, I think is about sex. I mean, that's sorta the point - meet new and interesting people and fuck them. Having or making friends is fun, and I did enjoy having a friend-with-benefits more than the random hook-ups I've had, but in the end sex was rather the point. There are certainly people who feel differently. That's one of the great joys of this crazy thing called life.

[padoc 1,704]

Refine your selection process. This is not a hit or miss hobby. There are a lot of people out there who absolutely like sex, many of whom live in trailers or old shipping crates. You need to look closely at profiles, read between the lines, meet people who initially attract you and walk away from those who ultimately don't meet your standards. The good stuff doesn't happen over night, it requires study and work. Class is relative.

[Guest]

We can’t disagree with you when it comes to online singles. At the other end of the spectrum is a place like Desires in Cancun. Local clubs, couples clubs esp can be nice and actually, we have found meet and greets that include single men as offering a group with a bit more class whether in the city or out in the burbs. For single men, we have switched over and find most of ours on the fly, some guy who starts up a chat at the bar of some hotel. That’s nice because there is no prior promise, implication or even hint of where that conversation may go, unlike that first meeting with someone you met online and is trying to decide if he gets to fuck you at the bar, in the car or has to wait for a hotel room.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I think there are plenty of classy people in the lifestyle. And there are plenty of people who enjoy building friendships with the people with whom they play. And I'm here to tell you, a lot of those people can be found online!

 

If you've got your profile open to singles, you're likely to get more of the one-track-mind, "Hi, wanna fuck?" Messages with a dick pic attached. But there are some good guys out there, too. It may just take some separating the wheat from the chaff.

 

I agree with the idea proposed above to take a look at your profile. This is not in any way blaming you for the kinds of responses you are dreading seeing in your inbox. But I think there are some ways of expressing your desire to meet people who want to build meaningful friendships (along with the play), while still keeping things positive. I add the "keeping things positive" part because I have read a lot of profiles that are clearly from couples who have been burned or hurt in some way, and have written their profiles to try to discourage repeat performances of the situation that caused them grief. Unfortunately, some of these profiles come across as quite negative, which doesn't exactly help a couple to put their best foot forward!

 

Anyway, if you're interested in getting some eyes on your profile, and maybe getting a thought or two about how to discourage the bedpost-notchers while keeping things positive, feel free to post in the Couples Profile Reviews thread!

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Just like ANY group of people, you will find the good mixed in with the bad and this is no exception. With so many single men looking to score, they have to be much more aggressive to have any hope of success (not that this is something that hardly any of us couples like, but it is just a fact in the L/S). We still don't know why men think a dick pic 'works'. I have never heard of a guy getting contacted based mearly from a picture of his dick...rarely is one all that more photogenic than the others . As said, block single men and most of that will go away leaving more of the cream to come to the top. We wish you luck in your searches.

[Twilighttap 169]

There are good sane people out there, and lots of flakes who are doing their thing. We ignore the flakes and try connect with like couples. Can be a challenge on some of the sites.

[Fundamental Law 2,909]

There are a few strategies that we have found useful over the years. Some might prove useful to you -- or not.

 

1. Unsolicited overtures are just that. We discard most of them.

2. The people we find interesting are not typically reaching out. We have to reach out. Still waters run deep, etc.

3. We focus on what is written in profiles, especially if the profile photo is omitted or conceals identity.

4. First impressions matter. Communication matters. When we pause and review the initial communications with those who have become good friends and more, we find considerable grace in their initial words.

 

Photos appropriate to a urologist or gynecologist office are distinctly uninteresting. Humans come in two basic models, we know how to discriminate between them without visual aids.

[beardedone 50]

There are some single (yes, even men!) who value all kinds of fun and conversation. Sometimes, you and your wife just want to be animals. That is fine. Sometimes you'd rather take the subtle approach -- and that is perfectly fine, too. People are adaptable. Seems to me that the ones who send those dick/pussy pics have the conclusion that that is what is expected of them. There are those of us that don't do that, as well. How to attract the one you want for the mood you're in? That's the art of people-pleasing and your judgement of what you guys and they want at the moment. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes y'all just click! Enjoy and be safe.