How to handle "jealousy"

[DanLizard 19]

Since we opened up to each other about our sexual fantasies and decided to "play with others", my gf has had a lot more attention than me. Shocking, I know... lol. The other day she had tentative plans to meet someone (possibly a couple) and it didn't sound like I was invited. I kinda threw a little pity party... lol. I apologized and things are cool now. I do realize, however, that this is the reality of the situation... she will have many more opportunities than I. I do not want hold her back from these new and exciting adventures, but I'm only human... lol... Any advice?

[Lionheart72 2,191]

When my wife and I started swinging, we had a firm rule - no separate play. We played together or not at all. We did this for the simple reason that for us, swinging wasn't about "playing with others" it was about sharing those experiences together.

 

As it happens, I enjoy watching and she enjoys performing, so we were about to have our cake and eat it to so to speak. She would play with other guys, but I would be there either as a threesome or me just watching and enjoying seeing her enjoyment.

 

IMO, it isn't unreasonable for you to be upset about your girlfriend making plans without you. On the contrary, IMO, it's out of line for her to make such plans without including you.

 

My advice - you two need to talk and lay down guidelines about separate play. It may be that you are OK with it, and that's fine. It may be that you are not, and that's fine to and she should to accept that.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

When my wife and I first started down the road to swing, I was envious of her success. Not jealousy; envy. Time helped me over this hurdle. Perhaps the same for you.

[Glida 250]

Maybe you just needed more information. You said, "It sounds like"...and "maybe a couple"" which means you are not sure. It sounds like you feel in the dark and that might be the issue. Just a thought.

[Superfreaks08 15]

The first thing to always do is check your jealousy at the door. Women will always get the attention. But if you set your rules that neither is excluded couples will understand. Yes you will run into a situation where you may feel like the third wheel but you are not. In a relationship built on trust in the lifestyle you will always have fun and get to explore your fantasies. Communication is key.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First: Read what Lionheart wrote again.

 

Second: The two of you need to communicate better. Lack of communication leads to mistrust which leads to jealousy since your imagination fills in any missing information.

 

Third: I don't think that you two are 'swinging' at all. I think you just have an open relationship. If you want to swing, reset your goals and expectations and realize that this is a team sport...something that is done together. I think that you have a ways to go before you are both 'ready' to swing. Communication, love, and trust is all REQUIRED. It just doesn't sound like you have the foundation yet. If my SO was seeing another couple/single without me, I assure you that I would know just about everything that had happened and was planned on happening. We would be talking and SHARING about everything involved.

 

If you just want to see other people, then do that, but I don't believe it is swinging. Please, take some time and shore up your relationship if you are going to continue.

[Bob250 74]

The first thing to always do is check your jealousy at the door. Women will always get the attention. But if you set your rules that neither is excluded couples will understand. Yes you will run into a situation where you may feel like the third wheel but you are not. In a relationship built on trust in the lifestyle you will always have fun and get to explore your fantasies. Communication is key.

I disagree with your first semtence. "Checking your jealousy at the door" sounds too much like "just get over it". Jealousy has ended more LS partners than just about any other cause, and will rear it's ugly head, in even the best of partnerships, from time to time. It must be addressed as soon as it is felt, to prevent it from becoming not just a swinging problem, but a serious relationship problem.

[Bob250 74]

First: Read what Lionheart wrote again.

 

Second: The two of you need to communicate better. Lack of communication leads to mistrust which leads to jealousy since your imagination fills in any missing information.

 

Third: I don't think that you two are 'swinging' at all. I think you just have an open relationship. If you want to swing, reset your goals and expectations and realize that this is a team sport...something that is done together. I think that you have a ways to go before you are both 'ready' to swing. Communication, love, and trust is all REQUIRED. It just doesn't sound like you have the foundation yet. If my SO was seeing another couple/single without me, I assure you that I would know just about everything that had happened and was planned on happening. We would be talking and SHARING about everything involved.

 

If you just want to see other people, then do that, but I don't believe it is swinging. Please, take some time and shore up your relationship if you are going to continue.

Spot on.

[Superfreaks08 15]

What I meant by check the jealousy. Was if you are in the lifestyle together and you have jealousy issues you will fail. Jealousy is not the main reason for marriages falling apart in the lifestyle it is the using the lifestyle to try and fix their marriage or sex life with Swinging. This lifestyle is to add to your sex life not replace.

[Bob250 74]

I agree but would point out that jealousy is a symptom of marital issues, which are not solved by avoidance.

[DanLizard 19]

Thanks for the feedback... open relationship... swinging... hotwife... never really put a label on us. lol I'm 45 and we've been together over 10 yrs... at this stage of life/relationship we just want to have fun... in whatever form that takes... men, women, couples, exhibitionism, voyeurism, masturbation... whatever... just want to have fun. The jealousy isn't about her being with other people, it's just me crying about not getting as much attention from others as she does... kind of petty really... lol We have come to the conclusion that this was a just poor communication. As this lifestyle is new to us, there are going to be "bumps in the road". We will just try and learn from it. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and if I want "attention" I will go out and seek it. Pussy ain't just gonna walk in the door... lol

[Tahoecple 319]

To each their own, I don’t think there is a right or wrong in this, it all comes down to what works for you. To us this lifestyle is about having fun and spicing up our sex life, as a couple. It’s not about keeping score or either of us as individuals, it’s about both of us as a couple. We are a team, not two individuals out for themselves. To me going into this as an individual, each on their own, defeats the purpose of what we are looking for and what we enjoy about this lifestyle.

 

We’ve known couples over the years that have gone out on their own, every one of those couples are no longer together. I don’t think it was due to jealousy, I think it was more than likely a problem in their marriage that motivated them to want to go out on their own in the first place. I’m not saying it won’t work for you, I’m just saying I’ve never seen it work for very long. There’s a big difference between couples having sexual fun with other people, and people having sexual fun outside the marriage.

 

It’s kind of like that famous philosopher Clint Eastwood, so eloquently said, “Every man has got to know his limitations.” In this thing, both members of a couple have to know the limitations of the other. Jealousy usually occurs when those boundaries are crossed.

[DanLizard 19]

That's a great point, and who am I to argue with Clint... Lol Paint the town red and call it hell, is all I can say...

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Tahoecple is also dead on.

 

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?

 

My favorite Clint quote...and if you substitute 'swinging' for '.44 Magnum' it can also be applicable since swinging can make a good relationship even greater, it can also take a relationships head clean off...do you feel lucky?

[DanLizard 19]

"Go ahead. Make my day"... that's my response to my gf when she wants to play. Lol. I don't think of us as two individuals getting into this lifestyle. We are very much on board with this. I just don't think I should stop her from having a good time just because I'm not included. Kind of feel like a hypcript saying it's ok for her to do something but only if I'm involved. I trust her and love her... these feelings of jelousy n envy are just me being insecure. I'm human and this lifestyle is different than what most people have been taught their whole lives, so there's bound to be some ambiguity in thoughts and feelings. We will talk about things as they come up and grow from it

[Bob250 74]

Well, I don't give two shits what Clint (or any other actor) says. It isn't like they are relationship experts or anything. Most have had long histories of failed marriages and relationships. But I strongly disagree with the idea that you can coast along in the LS, without any direction or structure. There is a very good reason to have boundaries or "ground rules" for playing, and it is to PREVENT problems from occurring The Old saying that "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" is never truer than in the LS.

 

It's like gardening. You prepare the ground, plant the seed, water and feed and nurture the plants, all according to a system or plan. How many people think that it's a good idea to plant the seeds, leave them alone and deal with bugs and diseases after they come?

 

Why play catch up? With a mutually agreed upon and well thought out, set of boundaries, jealousy need never be a problem, in the first place.

[Scaredstiff 129]

You're doing this for fun.

 

If it's not fun then you need to put some rules in place.

 

If she is willing to play alone even though she knows it is hurting you then I think you should both take 2 steps back.

 

Personally I would find swinging alone hard anyway. The thrill for us is the making the journey together. I doubt we could even do stuff in separate rooms, we worry about each other too much sometimes. I guess we both would do anything to avoid making the other feel bad.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There's some great advice above, and it sounds like you have already worked past this bump in the road, and going into it knowing there will be the occasional bump that has to be worked through is just being realistic. That's what separates successful swingers from those where swinging becomes a negative and not a positive in the relationship...how/if they work through the bumps.

 

I think playing separately is something best left until you get some experience under your belt swinging together as a couple. We do have solo playdates on occasion, but it's with people who we already have a strong couple to couple relationship with, so I'm not sure that even really meets the swinging solo definition. It's worked out great, but even so it was something we worked into slowly.