Is this Swinging?

[PSULioness 847]

I am not a swinger and just looking for information. Just had a few firsts for me. First time 3some and first time with a female. It was a surprise for me. I am single and dating a wonderful guy and we are starting to get serious. He has no idea I just did this.

 

I met my old room mate from college and her guy friend at a recent football game here in NJ. They drove in from Pa and got a room near the stadium. I live about an hour or more away. We met to tailgate then watch the game. During the game the temp dropped and it started to rain hail and sleet. Was really messy and they suggested going back to the hotel until it stopped a the roads were better. We picked up some more wine and beer and went back to their room. The guy she was with was just a good friend of hers. I know she is dating someone else. He went to our school too. I didn't know him. Of course we were talking school days. Guys we dated. Though we roomed together we never shared a guy but both of us had brought guys back to our room. It was just talk.

 

Anyway I ended up sleeping over due to combination of drink and weather. I really really never ever thought anything about it. I have shared rooms with couples before. It was just easier to stay than take a chance driving. As roommates we have shared stories and there has never been any sexual thing between us. I never touched or had a desire of being with a female. Don't know how it happened but she started something that night and her friend jumped in...literally. I could sooner have had sex with him on a first meeting than ever think I would be in a 3some. Truth be told, I had a great time. Maybe the greatest time.

 

They went home the next day. Now I have a guilt feeling. Do I tell the guy I am dating? Do I tell anyone?

 

I am searching on google for answers and came to this site. Now what my new friends?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Dear PSUL,

 

Welcome. You have come to good place for information and for reflection.

 

You are wrestling with two issues.

 

First, you expanded your sexual horizons beyond monogamy and, against what you were taught was "right" or "proper" , you found you liked it. It sounds as if you and the others had a good time and no one was hurt. Candidly, this is what is meant by consensual activity among adults. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Whether you want to sustain this sort of activity with your new friends, that's up to you. In the lifestyle, "no means no". More to the point, "yes means yes". It needs to be an affirmative decision on everyone's part. Otherwise, chalk it up to experience.

 

The second issue has to do with the guy you are dating. If it's a casual relationship, you are under no obligation to tell him about your entire life. If it's more than a casual relationship and in fact if you see your guy as a potential long term relationship (as in, you might want to get married), learning how to communicate about sensitive issues is part of what makes successful marriages last. The quest for variety in sex does not stop with exchange of rings and spoken vows. Lifestyle couples have simply found that being open and honest about it is far preferable to deception and cheating.

 

One way to gauge his perspective is to start a conversation about each other's sexual fantasies. That provides a basis for talking about realizing those fantasies and then setting boundaries that work for you as a couple. What's important is that you move forward together at a pace that fits the slowest partner.

 

The labels might or might not matter, but yes you have just dipped a toe into the Lifestyle. It is swinging. What you are trying to do is prevent it from becoming cheating. That reflects honesty and honor, attributes that are key to just about every successful relationship. Good luck.

[Tabota 40]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you played sexually/were intimate/etc with someone while dating someone else, unless there was a conversation and agreement that playing with others is ok (aka non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, open relationship etc) then most will consider this 'cheating'. Swinging is not cheating, as there is a mutual agreement that the couple can play with others. There is no hiding, no going behind your partners back to play/have sex with others. That is exactly what sets swinging apart from cheating: Total, honest disclosure.

 

AND swinging is usually designed for/reserved for Couples. That is, a married/committed couple swap sexual partners with another married/committed couple. Many swinging couples view singles as 'just trying to get laid' and aren't as interested as they are in other couples.

 

Congrats on having a fun time, for exploring outside your comfort zone, and for looking for answers. That's a big step you took... here's hoping it all works out for you!

[Lionheart72 2,190]

They went home the next day. Now I have a guilt feeling. Do I tell the guy I am dating? Do I tell anyone?

I am searching on google for answers and came to this site. Now what my new friends?

 

Ok, let's start with guilt... Why do you think you feel guilt? Is it because you think you should, because "society" tells you what you did was "wrong, or because you actually regret what you did? If it's just societal guilt, obviously as a swinger I'm going to tell you not to worry about that. As Fundamental Law says, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

OTOH, if you really regret what you've done, if you feel you've violated someone's trust and/or broken some personal ethical boundary, then I would encourage you to find a way to work through that. I personally favor sincere apology and atonement.

 

That does rather bring us to the guy you are dating. Has this been a violation of his trust or the terms (explicit or implicit) of your relationship with him? If so, I would encourage you to be honest with him. Speaking as someone who has been cheated on, I am glad my partner was upfront and honest about her one night stand. It allowed us to begin the healing and reconciliation process right away and ultimately our relationship is the stronger for it.

 

OTOH, if it's not a violation of your relationship, the question becomes "do you want to tell him?" How do you think he'd react?

 

As for telling other people, well apart from the couple of thousand strangers on the internet you just semi-anonymously told by posting here, I would encourage you to tell the guy your dating first. Beyond that, who do you want to share this with and why? If you have people in your life you can and wish to talk to about this, I say go for it. Personally, I wish I had more friends I could talk to about such things but most of my close friends just aren't comfortable with such conversations. If you have someone who is, by all means discuss it with them.

 

My $.02, for whatever it's worth.

[TricianMike 772]

Welcome to the house of questions.

 

Like the others I am asking what your question really is. I don't think you are blaming the booze for what happened. I don't think you were forced to engage. I don't know if you told your friends to stop. I can't imagine you going along with this unless you really wanted to. Was this something you always wanted to do? Are you sure you didn't start the action yourself? Were there signals you gave during the day or that evening that you would be open to sex in a threesome. You say you enjoyed what you did. I figure you have had sex with a number of men. You even said that you have had sex in front of your roommate. The guy you had sex with was someone you just met but there must have been some attraction if you were willing. I would think you have had one nighters somewhere in your life. Did you feel guilt about that. The new part was sex with your friend. Don't worry, I am sure you know more of that goes on than people think. You didn't write about resisting that and I am thinking it has been in your head before that night. Not sure how far you went with her. Maybe just kissing?

 

Now the part I think you want answered. Should you tell your boyfriend. Only you know your boyfriend. Some men are turned on knowing their partner enjoys women. Some men don't. Many men will freak if they knew their gf had a 3some without him. Depends on your relationship. Do you have a thing that you are only with him? Or do the 2 of you date others. You didn't say you are monogamous or engaged. If you are in that type of relationship be prepared for a major blow out if you tell him. There might be some guilt over that. As someone wrote, what you did is cheating. Swinging which is what this site is about is doing this with your partner. No secrets involved in swinging. Guilt or not, treat that night as cheating. How do you think he would react to that? If you enjoyed what you did and you want to get involved in swinging you have to have a swinging discussion with him if you want to keep your relationship going. Unless you just want to just continue cheating until he catches you.

[PSULioness 847]

A week has gone by and I read the few notes that were written above. I think you are right, I cheated on my boyfriend. I don't think I could tell him I cheated if I just cheated with another guy. I don't think this would have been an issue in my mind if we had just started dating. I had been with others when we first started dating. It is now we are more serious and I feel if he slept with someone I would be hurt. I do have that guilt but I don't want to hurt him. My head is saying he might be turned on if I told him the whole story and me being with my old roommate. A few times this weekend it came to my head to tell him but I kept telling myself not to. I think if I told him about me and her and left the other man out it would go easier. My bf had made comments when pictures were posted of Melania Trump and another model nude. I think I even told him to get his mind out of the street and I thought it was in bad taste. At the time I couldn't think I would ever touch a woman like that. Now I am not Melania by a long stretch. My friend is attractive but not a model either. I am going to be truthful here, I have daydreamed about the 3some. More about my friend then her bf. The sex with him was good but being with her keeps poping in my head.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I think the ambiguity here is that you keep saying "you think" and "you feel". That's fine, I'm not being critical. It just sounds like you and your boyfriend never discussed exclusivity and so you don't really know if you did anything wrong or not. Is that correct, or is there more to it than that?

 

My view (and Mrs. EastInWest's view) is that until it's discussed, the assumption is that you might both have other partners and should behave accordingly. Maybe you are both getting more romantically involved, but it doesn't follow that you've agreed to stop considering and exploring other possibilities - until it is. I've had intense relationships with women that were not exclusive for a variety of reasons. It wasn't an "open relationship", we just weren't paired up in any meaningful or practical way, even though we were emotionally involved, so that wasn't an issue. Sometimes we'd openly discuss our other adventures, other times that reality was uncomfortable and not something that came up.

 

So when you're confused about it, I'm reading this as "we didn't discuss sex with others, so I don't know if it was cheating or not", since if you had agreed to be exclusive, it would be unambiguous that you were cheating on him. To me, that means a few different things:

 

1) If you aren't in an exclusive relationship, you don't have to tell him about this if you don't want to.

 

2) You need to figure out if you want to be in an exclusive relationship or not, if you want to play with others or not, and make sure you're both on the same page, because it's not fair to let him walk around thinking you two have this all worked out while you're debating whether or not you want to have a threeway with two other people. If he has any illusions, he's sacrificing opportunities for things he might want based on an unfounded assumption about you.

 

3) Don't lie to him. Don't "leave out" the man. If you're not in an exclusive relationship with this person, you can tell him and make it his business or don't tell him and keep it in the past, but there's no reason to make a mess by concealing important facts (and you clearly think they're important, or you wouldn't be considering leaving it out). If you did do wrong by him here, don't double down on it.

 

Maybe I'm wrong and you both have no doubts in your mind that you are in an exclusive relationship, in which case you might be best off making a decision about whether or not you want this relationship to work and, if you do, being honest with him. However, even your status identifies you as a "single female", so everything about this screams to me that you don't see yourself as being in a relationship and that it's messy because the two of you haven't communicated about your expectations. If your boyfriend got a blowjob from a girl he met after a night out at a bar, would he be in the same headspace where he's not really sure if he did anything wrong because golly, he really likes you and you really like him, but you haven't talked about your intentions? You'd be hurt because you're feeling more "serious", but would you really have a good reason to be upset because he knew better, or would you just be upset because you don't like the fact that it happened?

[PSULioness 847]

I got a text from my roommate asking if I would like to come out to her place (3 hours away) to watch the Big Ten Championship game Saturday night at her place. Our Penn State team is playing. She invited me and my BF to stay the night, because the game is at night. She is having others over too including some girls I haven't seen since college. Now I am wondering if all the people there are swingers or just going to watch the game. My BF still has no idea what I did with her. He does know I stayed at the hotel with her and her guy friend. He never even questioned if anything happened that night. He did joke after seeing a picture of her that we should invite her to stay with us the next time she is town. It was just joking around but I think I missed a chance to tell him.

 

I have been conflicted since that night. As Katy Perry said about kissing a girl, I did like it. I can't admit it to anyone but I am admitting it here to strangers. And we did much more than kiss.

 

I may be thinking too much. Maybe it is just a football party, maybe it is more. I would be interested, I think, if it is more but don't know how my BF will react.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

I think that you are overthinking it as well, however, you can always just ask her. Also, here's an opportunity to talk with your BF about his comment inviting her to stay with us the next time she is town...you don't have to tell WHEN it happened, but maybe that something has happened with her before and see how he reacts to it. At least it would start a conversation about it.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. There was no harm done. By being honest with your boyfriend or telling someone else you risk consequences that far outweigh an innocent unplanned encounter.

 

Enjoy your memories and maybe you can bring up the subject of swinging and/or mmf's or ffm's with your boyfriend to see how he reacts. Maybe someday you can tell him about your adventure.

 

Beat Wisconsin!

[PeterJ 948]

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. There was no harm done. By being honest with your boyfriend or telling someone else you risk consequences that far outweigh an innocent unplanned encounter.

 

Enjoy your memories and maybe you can bring up the subject of swinging and/or mmf's or ffm's with your boyfriend to see how he reacts. Maybe someday you can tell him about your adventure.

 

I concur with M1F2KTJ. Confession may be good for the soul, but I've seen so many times when it helps the confessor lift a burden of guilt - and just causes needless pain to the recipient of the confession.

 

PSULioness says she feels guilty about deceiving through omission her BF. Fine. She'll perhaps feel better for fessing up. We he feel better? Not likely. And it might end a relationship she says she values. I think she'd be well advised to put on her big-girl pants and own her guilt.

 

The most important thing is that if she wants going forward to have other sexual partners she ought first to discuss it with her BF. The first time wasn't, according to PSULioness, planned. It just happened in the moment. To do it again, particularly with forethought, would be dishonest. This is not a case where it's better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. There was no harm done. By being honest with your boyfriend or telling someone else you risk consequences that far outweigh an innocent unplanned encounter.

 

I'm going to respectfully disagree, if only because this seems to be gnawing at PSULioness. Obviously, the experiences has brought up thoughts and feelings that she needs to address. The best way to do that is honesty. Yes, there might be serious negative consequences to her relationship but those should be weighed not only against the immediate consequences of the act but also the longer term consequences of the thoughts and feelings the act has clearly brought up.

 

Furthermore, I would respectfully submit that these things have a way of coming out. You know what the old saying about three people who know a secret (it only stays secret if two of them are dead)... and when two of them might not even know it is a secret, there is fair chance of it not staying secret. Speaking for myself, I'd much rather hear about an "innocent unplanned encounter" from my partner than from literally anyone else.

[Bob250 74]

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. There was no harm done. By being honest with your boyfriend or telling someone else you risk consequences that far outweigh an innocent unplanned encounter.

 

Enjoy your memories and maybe you can bring up the subject of swinging and/or mmf's or ffm's with your boyfriend to see how he reacts. Maybe someday you can tell him about your adventure.

 

Beat Wisconsin!

I strongly disagree. In a relationship, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Doesn't the OP's BF deserve to know the truth? You advise the OP to add further deceit upon an already deceitful action. Where does it end? How many positive relationships do you know that are based on deception?

[Bob250 74]

I concur with M1F2KTJ. Confession may be good for the soul, but I've seen so many times when it helps the confessor lift a burden of guilt - and just causes needless pain to the recipient of the confession.

 

PSULioness says she feels guilty about deceiving through omission her BF. Fine. She'll perhaps feel better for fessing up. We he feel better? Not likely. And it might end a relationship she says she values. I think she'd be well advised to put on her big-girl pants and own her guilt.

 

The most important thing is that if she wants going forward to have other sexual partners she ought first to discuss it with her BF. The first time wasn't, according to PSULioness, planned. It just happened in the moment. To do it again, particularly with forethought, would be dishonest. This is not a case where it's better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Sorry, but this is a very unwise piece of advice. Regardless of whether it was planned or not, it is still cheating and continues to be so , as long as the OP conceals it from her BF. Being an adult means to own your actions, be honest with those you are involved with and RESPECTING their rights. I believe that the BF has a right to know the truth. If it causes the relationship to end, the OP will know she did the right thing, instead of the "feel good" deceitful alternative.

[Bob250 74]

PSUlioness, my advice to you is that you sit down with your BF and tell him the full story, including the other man. Give your BF the honesty and respect that you would want for yourself. If, after disclosure, he is willing to continue the relationship, then you can discus the sexual issues you are interested in, and possible variations and boundaries. The fundamental premise of the LS is HONEST Communication. Those who advise continued deceit, I would view with caution.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

This is all starting to sound like the Dr. Phil show.

 

PSUlioness, there are many secrets that I am going to take to the grave. And I feel no guilt about keeping them to myself. And I do not consider my silence in this regard as a betrayal. Since being married, my life has been an open book. Sometimes I will relate a story because it entertains. But there are many things from my past life that are now irrelevant.

[PSULioness 847]

I think, thank you for advice. I guess I asked for advice because I posted here. So which advice should I listen to? I should tell my bf, I shouldn't tell him, discuss the possibility of ffm or mfm. At this point I am not telling him I cheated or had sex with a girl.

 

Spoke to my friend and asked her not to bring it up when we visit tomorrow. She assured me that the party is to watch the football game and that the others at the party have no idea and are just there to have a good time. We will all be rooting for our alma mater.

 

I did tell her I enjoyed what we did.

[Guest luvin eye full]

You young-ens are funny creatures!

 

So i normally don't write on here or any other forums for that matter ( I'm here because of the openness / communication tips i pick up and use with the old Ball n Chain ops i mean my dear wife )

But i think you really need to look at what you have told to us strangers,

 

Your 1st post said that both you and your GF are dating other men and the guy was just with her.

So you both cheated with him ( and with each other ) or does her real BF know and approve?

 

You did not cheat with the guy and had sex with the girl like you say - you cheated on your BF with a guy and a girl all in the same night - there is no difference at all.

If this forum has taught myself any thing it's cheating can come in many different forms not just sex and not just sex with a guy lol

 

 

You cheated with two people who also cheated on their partner/s ( depending on if the other SO of there's knew or not and if the male has a GF)

And some how you think he's going to be ok with it if you only tell him about the chick lol

 

He will feel like shit - i know been there done that crap.

The only way he will feel even worse ( then if you tell him now) is if you have a long term relationship and he finds out in a few years.

 

and it will happen

i found out from a chick that was a night clubbing friend of my GF but did not know me - we met a party that me and my GF went to one night, and she seen my then GF and pointed and said she's a wild one and then told me that she screwed two guys when they all were out one night lol ops should of seen her face when i told her that was my Gf ( my Gf said it was true with all the tears of the Gandhi river )

 

So then all the times she was out came to mind and it did not matter if she did anything or not because the trust had gone - so did one year but oh well. moved on, been with my wife 30 yrs

 

And that is what will happen to you maybe 1 month 1 year 10 years and two kids later - ( you don't talk in your sleep i hope )

 

Now i am not tiring to have ago at you or put you down - like my old GF you made a bad choice - and we all do things that should of had more thought put into it.

if you wanted to do that stuff you should of done it with him or got some type of ok from him, yet the consequences are still the same it will be his choice to stay or leave.

 

So the only thing you really need to think about is do i tell him now or do i tell him latter after he finds out.

 

I truly hope you do tell him before any more time goes by so you two can then get back on track and move forward with all this over your head now gone and some real love and trust can replace the guilt.

Who knows you may have a great swingers life ahead of you - but do really want to run the risk of never having his trust again if /or when he finds out?

 

Regards

[Alura 2,774]

Ask your boyfriend, "How do you feel about Group Sex, Darling?"

 

Then explore fantasies, both yours and his, and establish fear-free communication. When you are sure you can ask each other any question without a fear of reprisals, you will be on your way to the deepest love you've ever known... and your mind-set will be free to swing.

 

On our second date, Mrs. Alura and I agreed to never become angry because a question was asked. It worked for almost thirty years.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I think we all need to pause and congratulate PSULioness on the news: Penn State will be in the Rose Bowl! Congratulations to the Nittany Lions!

[Bob250 74]

I think, thank you for advice. I guess I asked for advice because I posted here. So which advice should I listen to? I should tell my bf, I shouldn't tell him, discuss the possibility of ffm or mfm. At this point I am not telling him I cheated or had sex with a girl.

 

Spoke to my friend and asked her not to bring it up when we visit tomorrow. She assured me that the party is to watch the football game and that the others at the party have no idea and are just there to have a good time. We will all be rooting for our alma mater.

 

I did tell her I enjoyed what we did.

It is your call to make, So I will bow out. A last word of caution. If you cannot be honest WITH your BF........Don't expect honesty, in return.

[Bob250 74]

This is all starting to sound like the Dr. Phil show.

 

PSUlioness, there are many secrets that I am going to take to the grave. And I feel no guilt about keeping them to myself. And I do not consider my silence in this regard as a betrayal. Since being married, my life has been an open book. Sometimes I will relate a story because it entertains. But there are many things from my past life that are now irrelevant.

I'm sure that you realize the difference between long past events and this particular situation. This womand is deciding whether to have an honest relationship....NOW....not 10 years ago. She is attempting to base a current relationship on falsehood. I wonder how many true swingers feel that this is a good thing?

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Relationships are all about love, trust and communication. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication SQUARED. If you can't talk to him about this, then your relationship is already not as strong as it should (or could) be. I suggested before that you at least start talking with him about things:

 

Also, here's an opportunity to talk with your BF about his comment inviting her to stay with us the next time she is town...you don't have to tell WHEN it happened, but maybe that something has happened with her before and see how he reacts to it. At least it would start a conversation about it.

 

This will at least start a conversation where you can 'feel' him out regarding the topic. He might be fine with it. Heck, he might love the idea that it happened. Or it could be a deal breaker and end the relationship. Either way, it takes care of your guilt and answers the question of 'what may happen when he finds out'. If you can't be honest with him, you can only expect that he might not be honest with you and that is not ground that you can build a long lasting, stable relationship on. Either way, you will know where you stand. If it isn't to be, then at least you can start again and learn. If it is, then you can stop looking behind and focus on the future. Good luck and keep us advised as to how things continue.

[PSULioness 847]

Fundamental Law, thank you. We Are....

 

Let me correct what on person wrote, I am the one who cheated. My old roommate and the friend I cheated with are both single. Neither of them are committed to anyone. I do feel guilty about cheating. It is not that we have a pact that said we must be monogamous, it is more of an unsaid thing. I still feel I am wrong. I am not going to say it was liquor, that isn't an excuse. I wasn't taken advantage of, I was a willing participant. I didn't go in saying I was going to have sex, I also didn't say No. I never thought I could do things I did.

I still haven't said a thing to my bf. Nothing was said at the game party by anyone. We were there to have a good time rooting for our team. When most of the friends left it was late. A few of us stayed the night. Some things happened that night that lead my bf to ask if my roommate is straight or bi. Just subtle things. I had my chance to tell him about what I did. I didn't. I didn't want a scene and I was afraid to tell him I cheated. I kick myself for not giving him more to know.

I still want to tell him that I would want a threesome with him. I have to build up my nerve.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Oh ok so when you said in your 1st post "The guy she was with was just a good friend of hers. I know she is dating someone else."

that was not the case?

 

A wound get worse when treated with neglect.

 

I really do hope this works out for you the way you hope it will.

Good luck

 

regards.

[PSULioness 847]

Oh ok so when you said in your 1st post "The guy she was with was just a good friend of hers. I know she is dating someone else."

that was not the case?

 

A wound get worse when treated with neglect.

 

I really do hope this works out for you the way you hope it will.

Good luck

 

regards.

 

Just to clear the who is dating question, I am in a relationship, she is dating. I wouldn't call her dating a committed thing.

 

I know I have to be honest with my bf. I can't believe my biggest fear is wanting to be with my roommate again. I keep thinking about that. Don't know why I am having that feeling.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

How strong/good is your relationship when you are afraid to actually TALK with him? How are things going to be any different if you talk to him now or if you talk to him 'later'? How do you think this will play out if you DON'T talk with him and he finds out on his own? The longer it takes, usually the worse it will get (because not only did you 'cheat' but you deceived and hid the truth from him). Either you need to just never tell him or tell him NOW. At least open the doors for the conversation to start (as we have been saying) so you can try and judge how he will react. He might think that it is incredibly hot...or he may leave you, or something in between. You won't know until you start. And who knows...maybe your GF will return the favor with the two of you.

 

Bottom line: If you don't have open, honest communication in a relationship, then (IMHO) you really don't have a (good) relationship. Not trying to be mean or disrespectful to you but EVERY relationship (in or out of the L/S) needs love, trust and communication. If any one is missing or weak, then the relationship is weak. I really do hope the best possible outcome for you.

[padoc 1,703]

I'd advise against telling your b/f about the indiscretion and I would beg off the overnight stay in Happy Valley with or without the b/f. If you don't have the kind of relationship where you can say, "honey, guess what happened while I was visiting Sue?" you should probably keep the incident and memory to yourself.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Perhaps there is some thing you can do and still be ok.

 

Could you go to him and say something like "you honey I'm falling for you more and more every day, so i think we should be monogamist from now on" or how every you want to put it.

 

From your post i think you see dating differently to how many others see dating, that's not to say we are right and your not, it's just we have different values or "rules" to what dating should be.

 

Every one that i know personally would see this as cheating in fact you also had others when you had already started dating that you think is fine. To some of us that is cheating as well.

 

You know your BF and i get the feeling he see's dating a a singular deal and that's why you can not tell him. So what he needs to know is that until now you seen it differently but now you will be committed - because you see value in beaning with him. It will be far easier to talk to him about it truthfully ( the way you see what is ok when 1st dating ) then to say i cheated.

 

Once you have done that and set up that from now your 100% committed to him, he may ask if you where or where not with anybody before this commitment, if he does ask then tell him the truth and he does not then ok,

 

But give it some time then bring up that you may like to expend your sexuality and then talk to him about what you want / like or even want to try, this could lead to " well before we wore a team i did try a 3some"

 

What you need him to feel is that your into him now - that he feels safe with you in Everything,

That until recently dating was still multi partners and that has all ways been how you have dated - this is important for him to know as i said we all have different boundaries on dating and just because some did not say no sex with others does not mean they are saying go for it. But only you know where he stands. ( it's easier for a man to except that's how you see dating and now will be one on one well it would be for me and any other male that see's it my way )

 

If he knows that you are now ready to be one on one, he may except the past "cheating" he may not.

All my posts to you on this are so you can get over this guilt and start having a fun and loving future and i do wish you and your bf all the happiness in the world,

you just will not have it with out talking with him about everything that you want to.

 

Regards

[Bob250 74]

I'm sort of concerned that so many posters seem to think that continuing a deception or creating a phony scenerio, is a positive thing. One of the first things that impressed me about the LS was it's commitment to honesty. The idea that it's ok to lie to or bullshit your partner, instead of honest communication, would be a deal breaker for me, and I suspect most people.

[Guest luvin eye full]

BOB250

 

I agree with you 100%

But i think that some people like to OP don't see dating the same way and think that until they make a statement about beaning exclusive then in their minds you can screw who you want.

This does not make sense to me, but to some it does and this is where the OP is coming from.

We do not know if the BF feels the same way as her ( bet he does not or she would of told him and i think she only thought about it when the 3some happened)

 

So she would not be liying to have the elusive talk with him ( from her point of view - remember she also screwed some other guys as well in the start of the dating)

 

 

In her mind she is now ready to commit but knows he was already committed so now her views on dating may not be the same as his and this to her is the problem.

 

Myself i think she should be straight up with him (which i have made clear all along ) - but that is never going to happen and he does need to know and given her views on dating she needs to commit to him or leave .

[Glida 250]

I think honesty is always the best policy but timing can be everything! I cheated, twice, once at the beginning of the relationship and once after a number of years of marrage. Every friend I have warned me to never say anything to my husband and to bury it. Anyway that didn't work so well and the truth fell out of my mouth after 14 years of marrage whilst we were 'communicating' one night. But I always had this feeling that I would tell him one day! The thing i'm getting at is that your title is "Is this swinging?". If you really want to be in the LS and open yourselves up to sharing and being with others then like everybody has said so far, you need to be intimate, honest, open and communicate with your partner first and when you do that, this little indiscetion, let's call it a learning curve will come up anyway. So in a way your fate has been seeled. Keeping a secret like that when you are truely intimate and open with your partner is a killer.

[PSULioness 847]

Thank you all for your advice and private messages. After deep thoughts and nights awake I think I deflected what my real concern is. I know I kept saying I cheated and how am I going to deal with my BF finding out. What my soul searching and private thoughts is why I feel that I totally enjoyed being with my old roommate. Me, who never really looked at a vagina other than seeing friends getting dressed and seeing a nude friend, now got an up close encounter. Other than touching myself I of course never touched anyone. Maybe I am over thinking this yet I truly enjoyed it.

 

I'm sure my bf would be turned on by this. Not sure how it would change our relationship. I know if he did what I did with another male I would be totally upset and sickened.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Thank you all for your advice and private messages. After deep thoughts and nights awake I think I deflected what my real concern is. I know I kept saying I cheated and how am I going to deal with my BF finding out. What my soul searching and private thoughts is why I feel that I totally enjoyed being with my old roommate. Me, who never really looked at a vagina other than seeing friends getting dressed and seeing a nude friend, now got an up close encounter. Other than touching myself I of course never touched anyone. Maybe I am over thinking this yet I truly enjoyed it.

 

I'm sure my bf would be turned on by this. Not sure how it would change our relationship. I know if he did what I did with another male I would be totally upset and sickened.

 

Generally speaking, American men are socialized to be aroused by the idea of female bisexuality... and in swinging, female bisexuality is so much the norm that women - like my wife - who are just hetro actually have to say so (meanwhile, male bisexuality remains taboo in even among most swingers, though I think that's changing).

[Guest luvin eye full]

So this will be my last post on this,

 

A lot of guys don't mind girl on girl or FMF FFM what ever its call these days lol

 

But some guys do - if you want to explore this side of your sexuality then by all means do it you really don't need to be ashamed of what you like to try - Providing you tell him and you both agree.

 

You are deflecting what is the real problem in your relationship ( whether you realize it or not ) and that is - TRUST - your just trying to avoid tell the truth that if it happened to you you would be hurt.

 

If you keep that way of thinking you will never have a for filling long term relation ship with your now BF or any other,

Your real problem is that you are willing to lie and cheat to get what you want ( in a sexual way ) and if you don't change that thought now it will stay with you though all relationships sorry.

 

I really don't want to be mean or hurt full but you need to know what you did was unexceptionable to many not because you kissed a girl and liked it but because you cheated on your partner - so what happens if you decide your want to try some thing else? do you now go behind his back again hopping like hell he never finds out?

 

Do what you know is right tell him and if he does leave at lest he has a chance to find some one that values him more then you do.

Also if you feel that you want to do more girl on girl stuff you should, i am not saying you should not find your thing in life just don't screw over people that love you.

 

It's your choice - and i actually do hope it works out for you and your BF

 

Regards.

[Bob250 74]

I agree with Luvin. You are focusing on the least important issue , which is the bi-sexuality. What is more important is your honesty with your BF, which should be your priority. And also you sex with the other man. Many men would be OK with a little woman on woman action by their SO. Far fewer would be OK with their SO having sex with another man.

Simply put. You really need to grow as a person, before you even think about the LS. because you are not nearly ready for it, if you cannot be an honest partner.

[nick9 15]

Well, you did nothing wrong to be honest. Rules around monogamy are only made to ensure we are committed, do not line breed, curb std's etc and are not made to satisfy the core instincts of humans much like animals. So the first thing you need to be assured of is that you did nothing wrong. Get over the guilt.

 

Second, on being open with your bf, I think have this conversation with him. If he reacts oddly then he is not meant for your lifestyle or interests in the long term anyways, as its clear you really enjoyed this encounter and there is no reason why you should not try this again!

 

cheers

[PSULioness 847]

I made a terrible mistake. You gave me both sides of what I should do. Some said keep it to myself. Others said I have to tell my bf if I truly want to be with him forever. He may not know but it was in my head especially when we were intimate. I ran how I could tell him in my mind over and over again. I figured I would tell him about just the sex with my roommate and not mention the threesome. Of course he asked right away if I had sex with both of them. It didn't go well.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I made a terrible mistake. You gave me both sides of what I should do. Some said keep it to myself. Others said I have to tell my bf if I truly want to be with him forever. He may not know but it was in my head especially when we were intimate. I ran how I could tell him in my mind over and over again. I figured I would tell him about just the sex with my roommate and not mention the threesome. Of course he asked right away if I had sex with both of them. It didn't go well.

 

Sometimes, it's more important to do the right thing than the easy thing. If you felt guilty about this, there was a reason. It was hard to figure out your position from the posts, but it started to become clearer that you took the relationship seriously and thought you owed him the truth because you felt committed. Clearly, he expected the same thing.

 

Given that, it would have been pretty optimistic to expect him to take it well. I hope things work out for you, whether it's with this relationship or not.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

If things were going to go bad, isn't it better they go bad now instead of days/months/years later after investing all of the time only to have things fail then? If it is to be, then it will be. Give him some time and see how he is in a few days. Wish you the best.

[Guest luvin eye full]

I made a terrible mistake. You gave me both sides of what I should do. Some said keep it to myself. Others said I have to tell my bf if I truly want to be with him forever. He may not know but it was in my head especially when we were intimate. I ran how I could tell him in my mind over and over again. I figured I would tell him about just the sex with my roommate and not mention the threesome. Of course he asked right away if I had sex with both of them. It didn't go well.

 

I know that I said I was not going to post on this any more but I wanted to say you did the right thing.

 

If you and your BF can work it out that would be great - so you now don't have to worry of it coming out by mistake - I know it's painful but surely you feel better it's out in the open.

 

Let him have some time to get over it (if he can).

 

If he does take you back please never screw over him or anyone else again - I really do hope for the best for both of you. Also maybe if you date again you should have the talk about sleeping with others 1st.

 

Regards.

[Bob250 74]

I made a terrible mistake. You gave me both sides of what I should do. Some said keep it to myself. Others said I have to tell my bf if I truly want to be with him forever. He may not know but it was in my head especially when we were intimate. I ran how I could tell him in my mind over and over again. I figured I would tell him about just the sex with my roommate and not mention the threesome. Of course he asked right away if I had sex with both of them. It didn't go well.

I'm glad you did the honest thing, and I can tell you that it will stand you in good stead, in the future. As for now, initially there will be some anger (more about the other man than the woman, I'm guessing) but as things cool down , you can start a dialogue about what BOTH of you expect out of the relationship, and where to set the boundaries. You might not believe it now, but this could make your relationship stronger and better. If not, then you will know to look for somebody more compatible with your desires.

[TricianMike 772]

Think you knew he wasn't going to react positively. I know you said you felt you cheated on him. Maybe you thought this would absolve you are your guilt feelings. Did you think how you would feel if he told you he had sex with a couple? Would you have been happy? Would you have left him? Was your confession an apology to him or just a confession? Now you told him and you have to live with the consequences. You could have kept the secret and lived with the guilt or do the confession and live with the reaction.

Now several things can happen

He leaves you. End of relationship

He stays with you only if you promise that it was a one time thing. I'm not sure if your promise would mean much due to you liking what you did.

Or he forgives you and wants to be involved with your new enjoyment. Be careful because he might say this and he only wants the excitement of a threesome.

They say time heals wounds.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Hopefully your boyfriend will see in time that really you didn't need to tell him, rather you chose to because of your strong feelings for him, it might not seem like it now but if your relationship does survive this then you have every chance of going from strength to strength.

[Jerry_Ann 16]

I don't see the ambiguity. She cheated, period. She says she has a boyfriend and getting serious. Her friend has a boyfriend. She had sex outside the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship without consent or informing. Even with swingers that is called "Cheating". How would this classify as swinging? I know plenty of people who were in threesomes, one or two or three time thing, and they were not swingers and did it with consent. No one in either of the relationships was doing it behind someone's back. Unless the boyfriend has no issue with her going out and fucking other guys without him knowing, which would be doubtful for any man I know, including Swingers, then this would be my advice. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, nor did I stay in a Holiday Inn express last night.

 

Advice #1. Getting serious? Like love serious? Fuggetaboutit. Pretend as though it never happened and move on. Never bring it up. Fifteen years down the road, when you have a couple of kids, a nice house and whatever you may have, and he asks "I am wondering, when we first started getting serious were you fucking anyone else?". The answer is no. When he asks, "not even once?". The answer is still no. Am I promoting lying? Yes I am. Lying by omission (not saying anything) won't work. Normal men don't fall for that. Omitting an answer may as well be a yes. If you decide to be honest, look around and consider if it is worth it. Is it worth one word to lose everything you have? Move on, pretend like it never happened, and if you do begin Swinging, it is not worth talking about because the Swinging will be Swinging, but that will still be seen as cheating.

 

Advice #2. Some people fall in love. Some people fall in lust. Most people can't tell the difference. Are you and he getting serious because of love or lust? It can be both, but love with always supersede lust. Especially to someone who finds out they have been cheated on. If you and he are "in lust" by all means, fuck away. But don't leave him dangling from a string. Be straightforward, cut the string and give him options. Like joining in for example.

 

Advice #3. No matter what, no matter how you play it, how you try to justify it, what you blame it on. This is cheating. Dude didn't know, lying by omission is still lying. If the decision is to tell him, then do it and don't wait. The longer you wait the further in he thinks he is. You cheated, so you are not in or fully committed. It would be wholly unfair for you to wait then come around three months later and say "Since we are serious there is something you should know". Happens all too often. In most cases the guy will feel like you wasted months of his time. That is simply human nature.

 

This is where the cost-benefit comes in. Good people commit perceived immoral acts when the benefit outweighs the cost. In this case, you are just dating. The benefit was you got some strange dick and tried another woman. The cost if caught is low, you break up with a guy you were "just dating". Alcohol had nothing to do with it. You did that cost-benefit analysis before you ever took off your clothes. But the real question is, in the future when you do your cost-benefit analysis, are you going to weigh the cost to you and your boyfriend you have been dragging along, or just yourself? Because the longer you wait to make a decision, to do it again and do it again and again, to tell him, to not tell him and not do it again. The cost for the benefit will continue to get higher and higher if you cheat or consider it again. Maybe to the point where you are not only absorbing that cost at his expense, but others as well, like your future kids. Or, if only him, then what he has put into the relationship.

 

So you conducted your cost-benefit analysis and the benefit clearly outweighed the cost. Ambiguous questions gleaning ambiguous answers does not change the fact this is cheating. So now there are only a couple of human questions. Does your perceived (by other people) morality matter? As you continue forward, at some point the cost is going to far outweigh the benefit. Are your perceived immoral inclinations worth the cost you and he may have to pay in the long term?

 

It is a very human thing. But to put it plainly, the longer you wait to make a decision, the higher the cost to benefit and in the future it will come back to bite you in the ass, possibly emotionally and financially. Swinging is by mutual consent usually within some type of boundaries. This is not swinging by any stretch.

[PSULioness 847]

Ok, I don't need advice of what I should do. I did what I did. I told my bf and now I am alone. Funny, if I had slept with a guy only, I would never have told my bf. In that same thought, I didn't have a desire to sleep with anyone else. It would never come up because it wasn't going to happen. Then again I never thought of having sex with my friend or any other female. Kissing a friend is okay but not sexually. Grabbing a boob or a butt? Only in fun. Touching anywhere else? Never. But I did. The sex with the guy was only because he was there. I go Wow he got lucky. I only told my bf because of guilt and I figured telling him I had sex with my friend would make want to do it with us. I enjoyed sex with her. I could see me doing it again.

Now I am alone and the holiday parties and NYE I won't be with anyone. NYE will be me and a bottle of wine watching the ball drop.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I'm sorry it worked out that way. It sucks.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Maybe if you give your boyfriend a bit of time you can win him back? Only you know if you feel like you've missed out on the love of your life or if your just bummed out because of spending the holidays alone, if he's worth fighting for fight for him! Make him realize that although you did cheat you also couldn't keep it secret from him, and that should be worth something, show him how remorseful you are, guys like romance too, it's a magical time, don't give up so easy if he is what you really want.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Only you know if you feel like you've missed out on the love of your life or if your just bummed out because of spending the holidays alone

 

Either way, this sucks and isn't any fun, I won't argue that a bit. But, you are still young, and not saying the second option above is what is happening, but let's assume it is, is your newfound sexuality something you want to trade away for potentially the rest of your life? Now that you have ventured out further with that and discovered you like it and as you say, can see yourself doing it again, is that something you can just bottle up inside forever with no resentment and no falling to temptation when a similar opportunity presents itself in the future?

 

In a lot of different ways you learned something about yourself through this situation. That may not seem like a positive now in the short term, but in the long term, I think it is. If there's a silver lining to be had here, that's it.

[Guest luvin eye full]

PSULioness

 

I’m going to talk to you just if i was talking to one of my daughters ( please don’t be offended its the only way i know how to lol)

 

What you did was the right thing to do and we know that because of your BF’s reaction to the news. (taking it badly)

 

Many guys can not take what happened that’s why there are more non swing couples then swingers.

That's just different peoples mind sets, just like you say single but dating, others will say single or dating - there’s nothing wrong with both of you it’s just different mind sets.

 

Many guys just can not except that their girl is “playing” with other guys and even sometimes girls it becomes a deal breaker to them, it maybe they have their own issues about it ( ex girl playing behind there back - feelings of second best and so on.. )

 

So what to do - well gave the BF one more chance and let him know how hurt you are but also let him know you understand why he feels hurt.

If he says no - then it’s time to move on ( yes i know it hurts but in time you will have too anyway )

 

You have so much ahead of you - your life adventure is only just beginning , you have not only found what it is to love but also you have found what it is to lose out, feel guilty, hurt, pain from others and your self and you have overcome them. don not think these are just miserly things while doing them you have gained strength, power in your self, honesty, love any many others that make you a person able to find their own way in life.

 

You are have worth and value to those around you.

 

My advice was never to make you pay in some way or to screw your life up ( though both has happened from your point of view ) no my advice was to set you free from the guilt and hurt, so you can forfill everything you want to ( or don’t want to the choice is always yours ) With nothing hanging over your head you are now free to be honest about your sexuality with out fearing the worst - your binderies in life and you are now free from yourself ( you were caring to much guilt from your posts and it needed to stop. )

 

Loneliness is a hard place to be - most here know it as well as i have in past years - so take some time for you and don’t spend all your time next to the bottle of wine, look around here - put a ad up - meet some people that are willing to help with your sexuality bet there is plenty here on this site that are willing and will be good to you and show you the respect you deserve,

 

Now take a deep breath work out what you want from your life now and go for it, knowing that many here including my self are on you side in so much as we want the best for you ( in loving but non sexual way - had to say that just incase some thought other wise )

 

Regards