How feasible is this threesome fantasy? Please help me.

[Himeros 15]

A long time ago, my wife mentioned to me that she might be willing to have a threesome with another woman involved. It's a bit surprising in some ways - she's usually very reserved when it comes to sex - far more so than me - but I didn't initiate this idea.

 

At the time I wasn't sure what to think. I hadn't ever really thought it would even be possibility, hadn't really thought about it before. But the idea stayed with me afterwards.

 

A couple of days ago, I raised the topic. I wanted to get a better understanding of what she wanted and hoped to get out of this.

 

She said she would be keen to try it "for the experience". But a lot of the things she said make me hesitant - they make me think that we couldn't ever practically make this happen.

 

For a start, she wants the other woman to be Asian (specifically Japanese or Korean). Furthermore, she wants to have this encounter overseas, preferably in Japan (which we've both visited before and loved, but isn't exactly next door). Neither one of us actually speaks Japanese or Korean.

 

She isn't inherently opposed to the idea of us hiring an escort, but wants the other woman to 'want it' as well, which is a sentiment we both share.

 

And ideally, she'd like it to be something sort of spontaneous too.

 

While I like the idea, I don't see how it can be possible. I'm new to this idea, but in my experience spontaneous threesomes aren't likely to happen.

 

My understanding is that finding a woman willing to participate in a threesome with a couple is rare. To find one that is also compatible, even more so. I don't see how we could ever hope to find one in a foreign country, without being able to meet them in person until we're there. And the fact that prostitution is illegal in Japan means firstly that it is hard for tourists to even find escorts, and that the risk of STDs or human trafficking being involved are all the higher.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm excited by the idea of us doing something like this together, but don't see how to make it work. Is this fantasy even possible?

[Lionheart72 2,189]

I wouldn't say it's impossible, but I think it would be damned difficult. Obviously the stricter your set your criteria, the more difficulty you're going to have.

 

Finding a single women (or a married woman who plays alone) is difficult to start with because there aren't many of them and the demand is very high. I have no idea what the swinging community is Japan is like, so I can't make an informed observation on the likely of finding a single woman there, but I doubt it's higher than it is elsewhere. A genuinely spontaneous encounter with a single Japanese woman where the chemistry is just right while on vacation... you're basically down to blind luck, verging on divine intervention. If you can find a swingers club on your vacation, your odds improve but would still be very low.

 

Honestly, it sounds like your wife has a specific fantasy in mind. In my experience, trying to capture a fantasy like that is more likely to lead to frustration than fun.

[Himeros 15]

Thank you Lionheart, that sounds right to me.

 

Would like to hear what others think as well. Is Lionheart right? What should be our next steps, if any?

[angelkin 1,326]

Sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies. With the guidelines you've set forth, I can't see a great rate of success.

[Himeros 15]

Sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies. With the guidelines you've set forth, I can't see a great rate of success.

 

What would you propose should be done differently if we were to realistically try for a MFF threesome? What expectations make it unrealistic?

 

In my opinion the following two changes would be required:

- Don't do it overseas

- Don't try to make it spontaneous

 

I feel that taking time to actually get to know the third person at least to some extent is key - that is, meeting with them first, and communicating honestly. I feel the above two things are the biggest roadblocks to that happening.

[kikonkrome 844]

Overseas swinging is pretty difficult, just playing when you travel I think is tough unless you are traveling specifically for the sake of swinging. Does that make sense.

 

Also the 'spontaneous' part. Usually a mistake.

 

But really does it matter? Your wife has set so many boundary conditions as to make the entire thing impossible. Frankly she just not that into it. Or not really into letting her fantasies become reality. However, the fact that she is discussing this I would take as a sign that things are changing. Maybe discuss it with her further and see where it takes you?

 

One of the area's where swinging really changes the relationship dynamic is frank discussions about what you want and not want. That can really change things for the better and the worse, a bit of a Pandora's box.

 

Good luck and wish you guys the best.

[Himeros 15]

Overseas swinging is pretty difficult, just playing when you travel I think is tough unless you are traveling specifically for the sake of swinging. Does that make sense.

 

Also the 'spontaneous' part. Usually a mistake.

 

But really does it matter? Your wife has set so many boundary conditions as to make the entire thing impossible. Frankly she just not that into it. Or not really into letting her fantasies become reality. However, the fact that she is discussing this I would take as a sign that things are changing. Maybe discuss it with her further and see where it takes you?

 

One of the area's where swinging really changes the relationship dynamic is frank discussions about what you want and not want. That can really change things for the better and the worse, a bit of a Pandora's box.

 

Good luck and wish you guys the best.

 

Thank you kikonkrone for the well-thought-out response.

 

I don't think my wife intentionally made it difficult. More likely she never really thought about the practical logistics of the fantasy. Since I have no experience here I just wanted to know if I was right in thinking it would be as hard as I think it would be.

 

We'll talk together some more and see where we go.

[asncpl 729]

Your criteria is already difficult to match, as others have mentioned, but you chose two countries where English is not spoken widely and the population generally is somewhat xenophobic (not in a mean-spirited way but just not trusting of foreigners). I can't speak for Korea but I've had some swinging experience in Japan. Most swinger clubs (and I'd say even escorts) are open to Japanese only. You may be able to talk your way in if you speak the language, but I doubt you'll get far if you can't read/speak Japanese. We were able to play only because we have Japanese friends who vouched for us and we learned some elementary Japanese.

 

A MFF fantasy is doable, but I think you'd have better success if there are less restrictions.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Instead of thinking about how difficult it is to meet her requests, think instead that she is even open to the idea. Keep working on communicating more and see if she would be willing to lessen some of her requirements. As she feels safer with you, she may also be willing to think about other options. I'm sure that the 'overseas' request is so that there's no chance of anyone 'finding out' here or running into the third party. See if she is interested in (eventually) visiting a club out of the area. Make it a weekend visit somewhere nice and include the club. The door is at least open, maybe try getting her to take a peek inside, then work towards baby steps. If she wants to stop or back track, listen to her and do it. You never know what may actually happen until you try, so try to see if she is willing to (slowly) go there. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[Himeros 15]

Alright, thank you everyone for the feedback and advice. GoldCoCouple might be partially right that doing this overseas is to avoid being recognized (although it's probably also because we both loved Japan) - how much of a problem is that likely to be? Any advice on how to avoid 'getting recognized' if we go advertising/looking on a dating site?

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Don't play in your back yard...but more importantly, know that anyone you MIGHT run into is there for the same reason that you are. Use SEARCH, there are several threads about people asking the same question and some on this actually happening. In every case, there was a tense moment or two before both sides realized that neither wants the other 'outted'. Almost never a problem, but something that most people worry about when they are starting down this path. Use common sense (don't post pictures of your face until you can vet the other couple, don't give out too much personal info in your profile, etc) and it is almost never an issue other than among yourselves.

[kikonkrome 844]

Your criteria is already difficult to match, as others have mentioned, but you chose two countries where English is not spoken widely and the population generally is somewhat xenophobic (not in a mean-spirited way but just not trusting of foreigners). I can't speak for Korea but I've had some swinging experience in Japan. Most swinger clubs (and I'd say even escorts) are open to Japanese only. You may be able to talk your way in if you speak the language, but I doubt you'll get far if you can't read/speak Japanese. We were able to play only because we have Japanese friends who vouched for us and we learned some elementary Japanese.

 

This was our issue as well when we tried doing this over seas particularly on a short trip. There are language and local customs problems that made it a real pita.

[CostaRica 130]

Does it have to be in Japan? Or would another overseas destination do (I notice this was just a case of "preferably"). I'm wondering if you couldn't try making some connections with Japanese American or Korean American women on SLS or one of the other sites and perhaps if you can develop a strong enough connection with one, arrange to vacation with them at one of the swinger resorts?

[Himeros 15]

Ok, so my wife has decided we can possibly look a little closer to home.

 

Which brings to my the next conundrum: how do I start looking? I'm in NZ, and found this site: Kiwi Swingers

 

Saw an ad that looked interesting, signed up, but - oh, what do you know - 29.99 for a monthly subscription to enable messaging! Who would have guessed.

 

Any recommendations?

[CostaRica 130]

It's pretty standard to have to pay, and a lot of couples won't play with people who have free profiles even on the sites that allow them (Why am I going to waste money on a babysitter, spend an hour getting dressed up, buy dinner and drinks, all for someone too cheap, and not committed enough to spend $29 on a profile)

 

If the site lets you see who is available in your area, and there are people you want to message with, pony up the cash. Believe me swinging is not a cheap hobby, the money you pay to be a member of the sites that let you find the people you swing with is just a drop in the bucket.

 

Alternatively you can check out craigslit and wade through never ending hoards of skeves and weirdos and maybe in a couple of years find a unicorn that meets your criteria.

[Himeros 15]

That's actually a relief - the site looks good and legit, but I was worried it was perhaps some sort of scam (ie, you pay and then find out that 99% of the profiles are fake and/or escorts).

 

If even reliable sites are paid then that's not too bad.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Yeah paying isn't such a bad thing, we use a free site in the UK and while it serves its purpose it can also be a headache to try and navigate past all the fake profiles and wind up merchants, being free means any sad loser can set up a profile and lead you on a wild goose chase with fake pictures and so on, at least a paid site should reduce that at least a little

[Sophy 568]

Hi

 

We live in Auckland New Zealand as well. We have a profile in kiwiswingers.co.nz and we have had received several messages from other people, but we haven't met any of these people in real life. We went to CCK last Saturday the 3rd, it was our first time in a proper swingers club. Owners gave us a very friendly welcome and they showed us the installations, however most of the couples there were a little bit older for us, we are in our middle 30's and most of the couples there were in their 50's perhaps.

 

We were engaged by a couple and they were interested in us but we did not do anything with them. We did not feel good chemistry mostly because we were unsure they were a real couple; the girl was very beautiful but also very young, like very young possible early 20's, and the male was probably in his 40's.

 

Other than that the club was very clean. Like I said owners very friendly and overall it seems a nice place, we saw some "live action" from some of the couples but we were not interested in participating with any of them, we stayed in the bar and after a few drinks we decided to leave.

 

In fact I would like to make a new post to get opinions from locals regarding CCK Club, I have heard and read very good things about this club but last Saturday was not good for us. We would like to get some opinions and see if is worthy to give CCK another try.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Hi

 

We live in Auckland New Zealand as well. We have a profile in kiwiswingers.co.nz and we have had received several messages from other people, but we haven't met any of these people in real life. We went to CCK last Saturday the 3rd, it was our first time in a proper swingers club. Owners gave us a very friendly welcome and they showed us the installations, however most of the couples there were a little bit older for us, we are in our middle 30's and most of the couples there were in their 50's perhaps.

 

We were engaged by a couple and they were interested in us but we did not do anything with them. We did not feel good chemistry mostly because we were unsure they were a real couple; the girl was very beautiful but also very young, like very young possible early 20's, and the male was probably in his 40's.

 

Other than that the club was very clean. Like I said owners very friendly and overall it seems a nice place, we saw some "live action" from some of the couples but we were not interested in participating with any of them, we stayed in the bar and after a few drinks we decided to leave.

 

In fact I would like to make a new post to get opinions from locals regarding CCK Club, I have heard and read very good things about this club but last Saturday was not good for us. We would like to get some opinions and see if is worthy to give CCK another try.

 

Sophy, I'm not seeing where this ties into the OP's question. Can you clarify?

[Sophy 568]

To clarify, How feasible is this threesome fantasy? -> Threesome/Swapping in a small city like Auckland can be a little bit challenging, specially for a young couple with high standards, we have had better luck overseas during holidays and all our experiences have been spontaneous.