Feeling like a smuck

[Davdia 119]

My wife have had several threesomes (MFF) and even a foursome(MFFF) , always with other women though, we at one time had even talked about having an open marriage (she brought it up ) and we even gave each other permission to play with the only real rule was we had to tell the other person everything before anything could happen..i.e. If I found a playmate she had to approve and vice versa. To my knowledge nothing ever happened. We started talking about how nice it would be to have friends that are similar and somehow decided to make a online profile and test the waters with swinging. We met this couple a week or two later on a swinging website and after talking about it at length decided to meet them in person. We met at a local restaurant and hit it off pretty well, I wasn't that attracted to this woman but saw my wife was ok with him so I went along with this thinking I would kind of take one for the team so I could repay her for the previous threesomes with all woman. We didn't do anything that night but talked about how it could have gone and we both agreed to meet again, we talked about what was available and what was not, we agreed on having penetration with condoms and oral sex to completion without would be ok. This time we met at our place so could start out playing an erotic game and have a couple of drinks. As things progressed we all went into the bedroom and started to play with each other's spouse, I had a hard time staying erect as she really wasn't that attractive to me so I went down on her and pleasured her several times. I looked over at my wife just as she said to him "it's ok we already talked about it and it's fine" she was already talking about him penetrating her and they were off to the races. He was going back and forth with fucking her then fingering then going down on her and I was primarily servicing his wife orally. This went on for awhile and I was actually enjoying watching her getting into it, I even penetrated her while she performed oral on him( it was a fantasy of hers) but for some reason I couldn't get real hard like I normally do.

I thought it might be any number of things from they all had the day off and I worked right up until an hour before to just not that into her, nonetheless after we both did my wife, which was the whole point of this date as far as I was concerned because it was a fantasy of hers, they went back at it. At some point his condom either broke or came off and they still kept going (later she said she didn't notice it came off) speaking from a guys point of view, he knew even if she didn't.

I wasn't very hard at this time and his wife kept trying to get me there, but.

He on the other hand was slamming my wife with her legs above her head and she was getting into it big time, moaning loader than I ever remember her moaning. I was trying not to show that it was bothering me but it was. His wife was trying very hard so I told her it might help to give me oral until I cum, she then told me I could cum anywhere however not in the mouth (My wife and I already said this was ok for her). This made me feel uncomfortable because it was my favorite way to get off and it was off limits for me now but apparently it wasn't for him. I wasn't feeling it all the sudden so I told his wife I needed a break. She said no problem and we stopped, I looked over at my wife as she was having another orgasm and she looked at me and said " You don't mind if we keep going do you?" They continued for a while and then she had another orgasm. "She said oh my god, I must have came 50 times" I was starting to feel very insecure about what was happening at this point, then out of nowhere she blurts out that in high school she was picked on for giving a boy a blowjob, she looks at me and said " I don't think I ever told you about that" I was devastated by this comment, I couldn't believe she shared this with basically strangers before me. Now I started to clam up and shut down, I was feeling very insecure and just wanted it to stop. I quickly made the excuse of feeling tired and all but told everyone to leave,

I just wanted to crawl under a rock. Later I tried to regain some sense of masculinity by trying to have sex with my wife, hoping she would be very appreciative after letting her have sex with another and also fulfilling her fantasy of being with two men, her comment was sorry I'm kind of sore. I felt like leaving her after that comment, especially after it was her that asked me if I minded that her and him continue.

In the previous situations (threesomes and foursomes) I always made sure my wife knew she was the only one for me, the next day I was always very lovey and always watch videos only of her with the other girls, never myself and them. I felt like the comment about never having had so many orgasm was hurtful, it would be like me telling her that the woman we slept with were better in bed than she was.

 

Recapping what's most upsetting:

She got off more than we do together and commented on how many times he got her off.

She blurted out a very private past experience to strangers before me.

I think she had unprotected sex with him and probably knew it.

She turned me down being so sore after asking permission to continue with him.

After all this I wonder if her original thoughts of an open marriage meant she already had someone in mind.

 

 

Is it me? Am I unrealistic? Please help me to understand why I'm feeling this way.

[CostaRica 130]

I'm going to say, I'm sorry, but I think this is all you. The minute you started to feel uncomfortable you should have put a halt to proceedings. That was your first mistake. I understand feeling insecure that she got off so many times, but the whole point was for her to enjoy herself,and if you're going to be comfortable in the lifestyle you are going to have to be ok with seeing men do things to your wife that you can't (because if they did what you do, what would be the point). Last time we swung the guy got me off so many times I literally curled up in a ball and said no more, my husband grinned because he was happy that I was so happy.

 

As for blurting out a past experience, it hardly sounds like she told them her deepest darkest secret, it was just an anecdote that she thought was relevant to the moment that hadn't come up in conversation with you before. Can you imagine if you were at a bar with some friends telling a funny story and your wife got pissed because she hadn't heard it first, you would think she had lost her mind.

 

Condoms break, no women can't always tell, give her the benefit of the doubt because she's your wife and you're supposed to trust her

 

Damn straight she turned you down because she was sore, when you're sore you're sore. YOu don't always notice when you're in the middle of sex but 5 minutes later when the endorphins wear off, ouch.

 

Here's what I think happened. You couldn't get hard so instead of being in the middle of a fun time yourself you were kind of bored and irritated and feeling insecure and your brain went into overdrive. Now instead of talking to your wife about your insecurities, and owning them, you're trying to make it all about the things she did wrong to make you feel that way. As far as I can tell she didn't knowingly break any of the rules you two laid out. SO you have to sit her down and talk to her about how you're feeling and add in new rules to try and prevent this from happening again. Perhaps you need her to check in with you more, so tell her that, she's not psychic. Perhaps you need reassurance that you can stop things when you start to feel uncomfortable (you can, at any moment). This isn't some marriage ending problem that you need to blow out of all proportion, it's a learning experience that you need to discuss with your wife.

[padoc 1,703]

This is on you. Your wife pretty much did what you had agreed to do and it turned out to be a lot of fun for her. This woman has participated with you with other women on several occasions and YOU enjoyed it yet you get all whiney when she is pleasured by guy. It sounds from your description that you're either very selfish or very insecure. Either way, you're not good swinging material. Further, did you even once consider the feelings of the other woman? Your action or inaction was likely hurtful. What you failed to recognize is that in this hobby, a woman willing to play with you is giving you a gift. You were quite unappreciative of the gift. Her husband, on the other hand, WAS appreciative of your wife's gift and she was enjoying it till you pissed in everybody's cheerios. By the way, you didn't "let her have sex", you and she agreed to play with this couple. She has every right to be more than a little annoyed with you. I think you owe her and the other wife an apology.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Based on my own experiences, I would hazard a guess that what you are feeling stems partly from "taking one for the team." I've only done that once and it was kind of traumatic. We'd been swinging successfully for a number of years and I love seeing my wife getting off with other guys, but that night watching her having fun while I was having a bad experience was horrible. Unlike you, I think I had the benefit of a lot of positive experiences to fall back on but I can still remember being upset, hurt and insecure.

 

To answer your questions - Yes, I think it's you. Yes, you are being unrealistic. You are feeling this way because you are feeling shaken and insecure. You had a bad experience while she had a good one. Every single one of things that you list as being "most upsetting" are products of that insecurity. I do not believe that your wife deliberately slighted you or that this was some plot she came up with to have great sex while hurting you. She had a good time. She was relaxed and comfortable. She was, I am fairly sure, unaware that you weren't having just as much fun and would probably be just as disappointed as you are about it, if you weren't acting like an insecure schmuck.

 

First lesson - never take one for the team. It doesn't end well.

Second lesson - If you're uncomfortable, speak up.

Third lesson - Don't blame your wife for having fun just because you didn't.

[Davdia 119]

This is on you. Your wife pretty much did what you had agreed to do and it turned out to be a lot of fun for her. This woman has participated with you with other women on several occasions and YOU enjoyed it yet you get all whiney when she is pleasured by guy. It sounds from your description that you're either very selfish or very insecure. Either way, you're not good swinging material. Further, did you even once consider the feelings of the other woman? Your action or inaction was likely hurtful. What you failed to recognize is that in this hobby, a woman willing to play with you is giving you a gift. You were quite unappreciative of the gift. Her husband, on the other hand, WAS appreciative of your wife's gift and she was enjoying it till you pissed in everybody's cheerios. By the way, you didn't "let her have sex", you and she agreed to play with this couple. She has every right to be more than a little annoyed with you. I think you owe her and the other wife an apology.

 

I posted this because I feel terrible about what happened and how I behaved, more importantly so I can understand these feelings and try to move forward. Maybe you've never felt like a fifth wheel or been the only one not into the moment, one thing is certain, slamming my behavior isn't helping, how about some constructive help?

I thought that was the point of posting!

[victoria'dreams 141]

I posted this because I feel terrible about what happened and how I behaved, more importantly so I can understand these feelings and try to move forward. Maybe you've never felt like a fifth wheel or been the only one not into the moment, one thing is certain, slamming my behavior isn't helping, how about some constructive help?

I thought that was the point of posting!

 

The husband getting angry at the wife after first swinging experience is a classic. It happens a lot. Always because of loosing an erection while the other husband is hard. If you had a big hard on that night it would have been a totally different night and you would probably not be angry at your wife. I believe it is why the reaction of the people here to answer your post are somehow slamming.

 

Not being able to get hard happen to me and almost everyone here. I felt absolutely terrible the same way as you do. It's shit and feel so down. The difference is that I never blamed my wife. She's still the great woman that was willing to do that with me and loves me. I mean, your wife and you had a MFFF?! I never had that! You are extremely lucky and she must really want you to have a good time. I am certain your wife didn't make you feel bad in purpose but because you felt so down you got jealous of her having a good time. One important thing to realize is that your wife could get enormous orgasm that night because of the situation; not because the guy is absolutely amazing in bed. I saw my wife having huge orgasm with average guys that isn't her type at all and very average lovers. But the settings gets her so excited it's almost if anyone could get her off. I love to see my wife having a great time. It turns me on and makes me super hard. If you don't get excited watching your wife having a lot of pleasure, than it becomes a nightmare and the jealousy comes up.

[Davdia 119]

I don't know that this makes a difference but a couple of you mentioned she giving me 3somes and 4some and me not reciprocating, however, these were actually for her and I had some but very little involvement, more taking pictures and videos. These were her ideas and me going along, not me being selfish as some mentioned.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I don't know that this makes a difference but a couple of you mentioned she giving me 3somes and 4some and me not reciprocating, however, these were actually for her and I had some but very little involvement, more taking pictures and videos. These were her ideas and me going along, not me being selfish as some mentioned.

 

Well, if you didn't play than I think it changes the definition from "threesome/foursome" to "you watching your wife have sex" ... but, speaking for myself, it doesn't change the basic content of my response. I still think your reaction is based on the fact that you didn't have fun and your wife did. That isn't your wife's fault. It isn't really anyone's fault, though I do think you should have spoken up and said "I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling it" rather than taking one for the team. It is never a good idea to take one for the team.

[padoc 1,703]

By constructive, I think the OP means sympathetic and Im not. I did answer your questions. You asked if it was you and I told you it was and you asked why you were feeling that way and I said it was because you are selfish and insecure. I also pointed out that you treated the other woman badly and that you owe both her and your wife an apology. Yet, you're still whining about YOUR feelings which pretty much validates the selfish part. Boo hoo on the 5th wheel as well. You agreed to engage in this with your wife and you had a perfectly willing play partner available to you. You failed to rise to the occasion, got pissy and ruined the evening for the other three. I said you were not swinging material and, judging from your responses, I stand by that as well. You might want to find another hobby.

[Davdia 119]

I was involved but more like 20% me 80% her so it wasn't all watching

[CostaRica 130]

Ok, but he wasn't the only one who posted and you have received constructive feedback, I know of because I tried my hardest to be sympathetic, but now it seems like you didn't want feedback, you wanted to be told that you were right and your wife was wrong so you can carry on being angry at her.

 

It's time for some introspection and real examination of your feelings and if you can't take a step back and listen to what the people here are saying without getting defensive, then I have to agree, you're not going to succeed in the lifestyle.

[Davdia 119]

Your right....The problem is I'm not looking for sympathy I'm looking for somebody else who's with through this ,who can help me figure out how to get through my feelings. I should have just ignored the rude post

[Lionheart72 2,190]

....The problem is I'm not looking for sympathy I'm looking for somebody else who's with through this ,who can help me figure out how to get through my feelings.

 

I believe that CostRica and I have tried to offer you exactly that. Edit - as has Victoria's Dream (not meaning to overlook one).

[Davdia 119]

I hope you didn't think I was referring to you or costa's post, you two both are great. Your post we're very helpful and actually constructive. I know Ive misbehaved, I just don't know what happened to me or what came over me. The whole reason for posting was to try to figure that out so it don't happen again. I love my wife more than anything and want to be able to give her everything her heart desires. Again to you and Costa,,,,thank you

[Davdia 119]

Thank you for your advice / input, I'm so glad there are people like you to vent to. I'm not wanting to give up on this just yet

[Alura 2,774]

One of the problems with swinging is a participant's likelihood of expecting one's fantasies to be borne out in the event. Such hopes rarely turn into reality and manifest themselves as disappointment. A common human trait is to blame that disappointment on circumstances or other people.

 

I found, when I had the problem, that a soft penis was caused by a failure to connect mentally with the other wife. Her fault or mine? It's hard to say, but was not connected with my wife who, toes pointed at the ceiling, was shrieking her joy. Was she "Making Love" with the other fellow? Hell, No! She was gloriously being fucked. Was I joyously watching her pleasure? No, I was worried about having no hard on. Mrs. Playmate was probably feeling inadequate as well.

 

All four of y'all should get together (Perhaps over dinner.) and have a talk about what happened. We owe our playmates as much consideration as we do ourselves.

 

You should also consider the possibility that swinging is not for you.

[Davdia 119]

I hope your wrong about this not being me / us. I think it would have been better if I were even attracted to the other wife, it was impossible to maintain an erection as I wasn't into her at all. Like an idiot I said ok to this couple because it was the first couple she was ok with and I wanted her to enjoy it. I had honestly never thought it would be an issue for me. I've never had problems getting or staying hard. This woman was making strange noises while I was pleasuring her..( num,num,num) very distracting and strange, my wife even committed on it after they left.

[padoc 1,703]

My feelings are hurt, I wonder why? Is it me or is someone a bit oversensitive along with being selfish and insecure?

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davidia, Davidia, Davidia where do we start.

 

A few things happened here that snowballed because you didn't put your hand up and say I'm not OK with ( fill in the blank )

 

swinging or wife swapping as we used to call it is about team effort - read don't ever take one for the team if you can not put your hole hart/member into it.

So can i ask just a few questions though,

 

Has your wife always been the one that wants to "play" and are you really fine with that or are you just going with the flow?

 

How long have you been married and do you think that you need a emotional connection to swap or play with others?

Do you think your wife understands how you felt when this happened or do you think she really did not know you were not in a good place at the time?

 

if you had to give a name to all the different feelings what would you call them eg: anger - betrayal, loneliness, no to back me up? and so on..

I'm not tiring to put words into your month hear I'm just tiring to get a Handel on what really is going on in your mind - when this happened

 

lastly how many times have you done this full swapping and has your wife done more then you?

 

So while your thinking about that (above ) I'm also wondering if you have talked to the miss and let her know just how you felt and what did she say?

 

So yes the buck stops with you in this case, just like most of the advice has said but i think you know that now and want to deal with it.

the 1st thing is to understand what really took place and to do that you need too look at it from both you and your wife's point of view.

 

She was having a great time and you know that because of all the extra cumming and moaning and wanting to keep going right?

that all comes from the fact she felt safe and free because her man was with her and into it too ( from her point of view )

If this was the 1st time with a guy since you have been married that makes it even more better for her not because he's better or bigger or ..... but its exciting and nearly all in the mind.

 

So you didn't get real hard - hmmm my 1st time was like that too lol 0 it's crap but - when i thought about it latter i knew deep down it was because i was worried that she might like him more.

she explained to me that was not the case - it was the situation not the guy ( could off been any guy or girl for that matter )

once i got this into my head, and it took a few days, a light bulb turned on for me or us really, these days i can get her to call out to the heavens if i wanted to just by understanding the way my chick thinks - for her the lead up is more important then the act - with out the lead up meh but with the lead up watch out get the rain coat on and the umbrella out cause its going get wet here lol.

 

Go and talk to her and you will find out why she responded that way and then work out with her how to get it going in your bed this will fix any bad / shitty feeling and you'll be a better lover as well.

 

Lastly please don't put blame on any one it clouds the real issues and does not help you and your wife to move forward with a better understanding of how to rock your worlds as a team.

 

Regards

[Davdia 119]

First let me say thank you!, We have been married for 5 yrs together for 12. One drunk night,she told me she was attracted to another woman and one thing led to another. Then she mentioned we should try having an open relationship(this was an red flag with me, I thought she might already have someone in mind)as far as I know nothing ever happened. Feelings were excitement first, then as she boasted how many orgasms it went to inadequatsy and betrayal then finally even after me setting this whole thing up..anger and now angry at myself! First full swap, first couple,period.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I hope your wrong about this not being me / us. I think it would have been better if I were even attracted to the other wife, it was impossible to maintain an erection as I wasn't into her at all. Like an idiot I said ok to this couple because it was the first couple she was ok with and I wanted her to enjoy it. I had honestly never thought it would be an issue for me. I've never had problems getting or staying hard. This woman was making strange noises while I was pleasuring her..( num,num,num) very distracting and strange, my wife even committed on it after they left.

 

You wanted her to have fun. She did. So, success there. You didn't have fun. So, now we know that that is important to you.

 

Another thing you've learned - there are women you aren't attracted to. When the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there. It doesn't make you "less of a man" in any way, shape or form.

 

What is important here is that you learn these lessons and move forward.

[Davdia 119]

Thank you

[CostaRica 130]

When she first mentioned wanting an open relationship, and you thought she had already found someone else, were those feelings really dealt with or did you sweep that under the rug, because if it's that latter then part of your problem may be that those swept feelings are bubbling back up to cause problems now. Swinging has a tendency to drive a wedge into any crack in your relationship and not trusting that your wife was always faithful (emotionally or physically) is a pretty big crack.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davdia

I tend to agree with CostaRica in the above post that if these feelings were left unresolved then it could put a lot of pressure on you - we really need to know if you have talked this out with your wife both the open marriage request and this full swap.

 

It is really important that you get her honest point of view. Even if this means letting her know exactly how you feel about both the open marriage request and the things that happened in the full swap.

 

I don't know you or her but i do know me and i am old school when i comes to how men should deal with their emotions and to be truth full it has always been hard to convey any emotional problems to the wife ( and we have been together for just over 30 years )

 

But i have too do it if we are to be a fully working team in our marriage - the problem was /( is still some times ) that i and most older guys were never shown how to.

I was told that "real men" just sucked it up and shut up for the sake of the family and the marriage " thank fully i taught my boys and girls that marriage is a team and we must talk to our loved ones.

 

My wife was told to do the same and not push the man of the house and basically do what your told - sadly this was us for some years but it is changing al the time and for the better we say, these days life with my love of my life is so much more then we could ever hopped for.

 

The above is just to let you know we all have things that we need to talk about and it can be hard to do when we are hurting, but it has to happen to help heal the wounds you now have.

 

You may have great communication already and if you do then tell her how you feel and really ( i mean really ) listen to her response to you. let us know how this goes please as we do want to be a help were we can.

 

Until you do get "the talk over" i would not be swinging in any form -

 

As far as you have been honest with us about your feelings i think you need to step back just one pace and really think about why you said yes to the mfff and swap - can i ask ( and i might be way off here ) do you do it in the hopes to get some type of control back into your marriage life?

( i am not saying to get control over your wife but to get some type of normalizing back to how you see marriage should be- - hmm well that was clear as mud lol )

regards

[victoria'dreams 141]

one note concerning my bad English I wrote "Not being able to get hard happen to me and almost everyone here". I wanted to say it did happen to me and others (very rarely but did)

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I hope your wrong about this not being me / us. I think it would have been better if I were even attracted to the other wife, it was impossible to maintain an erection as I wasn't into her at all. Like an idiot I said ok to this couple because it was the first couple she was ok with and I wanted her to enjoy it. I had honestly never thought it would be an issue for me. I've never had problems getting or staying hard. This woman was making strange noises while I was pleasuring her..( num,num,num) very distracting and strange, my wife even committed on it after they left.

 

I notice that you tend to blame others. The point of swinging is to experience variety. Sex with strangers is going to be strange.If you can't frame something as benign as different sounds of pleasure as interesting or exciting or even amusing,you are going to have a very rough time.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Admin note - enough of the insults and personal attacks. We've cleaned them up once and addressed the issue with the guilty parties, we won't be as forgiving if it continues.

[victoria'dreams 141]

I notice that you tend to blame others. The point of swinging is to experience variety. Sex with strangers is going to be strange.If you can't frame something as benign as different sounds of pleasure as interesting or exciting or even amusing,you are going to have a very rough time.

 

Well said and very true. Still, some people attract you and some don't. For instance, our last FMF was with a girl that had a very masculine body type and a strong armpit smell that put me totally off. Perhaps for some Swinging means the possibility to have sex with anyone and that's what's interesting, exciting or even amusing. I believe some others want to have sex with people that are their type?

[intuition897 2,179]

Come on guys, let's stick to the "I" statements. One of the reasons I love it here is because discussions so seldom devolve into mud-slinging and name-calling.

 

Hi Davdia. I have to agree with some of the advice you've been given: you've found out the hard way why taking one for the team is a bad idea...so no need to spank you for that, right? I think you're just at that point where the rubber hits the road. Things have gotten really real all of a sudden, and you're facing some conflict. Okay. So here's the good news: it's not the end of the world. The bad news is, that it can be the end of the world if you allow it to be.

 

All of the hurts that we feel when our partner slights us by accident (as in, she surely did not mean to hurt you or intentionally make you feel badly, did she?), are our own invention. This realization was probably the biggest turning point for me in the lifestyle. Once I recognized that all the pain I imagined was being thrust upon me, was actually never intended...I created it for myself...I was able to let it go. It was me putting value on something that my husband had no idea I valued, and when he did something (or vice versa) that crossed that value, I was hurt by it. For example, the idea of full swap was off the table for us for a long time, because I still had it in my head that, in order for our relationship to remain "special" or sacred, we had to retain that one (supposedly) most intimate act for ourselves, or I would no longer be of value to him. Once we sorted out why that rule/value didn't make sense, it no longer hurt. So it was an 'aha' moment to realize that I had a lot more power over the things that hurt me than I realized. It was a paper tiger, and I'm the one holding the box of matches.

 

This piece of advice won't surprise you, I'm sure, but I gotta say it: you just need to bump up your communication.

 

Want to know how to tell if you're fit for the lifestyle or not? You'll look at this as a disaster, or an opportunity to improve your communication, your emotional intimacy, and just your relationship overall. So you guys made a misstep. Just means it's time to get your shit sorted:

 

1) Let her know that it's NOT okay to go without condoms without prior discussion with you, and THEN them. Invite her to come clean now if she had any idea that her play partner was going without. Don't get too upset about it - because you can relate to how difficult it is to put on the brakes in the middle of play if it's going to make things awkward, right?

 

2) Let her know that you see her confiding in you about her past, highly personal experiences as something that promotes emotional intimacy. For her to share that tid-bit with complete strangers before you - and then announcing that she'd never told you about it - was difficult for you to hear, and it hurt, so would she please be aware of this in the future?

 

3) Let her know that you were feeling a little vulnerable after the episode with your playmate, so while it's always important to you that you reconnect with her after playtime, it was especially important this time around. Her rejection left you feeling worse than ever because apparently she had more enthusiasm for Mr. Playmate than for you - or at least that was how you were left feeling.

 

I'm missing some stuff here probably, but you can figure the rest out. Essentially, you want to figure out the root cause of your negative feelings from your perspective, and bring those reactions to her in a cooperative way, framing your statements from your point of view. 'This is how it appears to me'. Recognize that you might need to work on the way you react to things, and bring that to the discussion, too. It's not all her fault; it was just a misunderstanding, so make sure you own your end of that misunderstanding by letting her know you shouldn't have taken one for the team, and you should have hit the brakes much earlier on and been honest with her. Approach your discussion with only good intentions, and always giving one another the benefit of the doubt. Trust that neither of you ever wants to hurt the other.

 

Hope this helps some.

[victoria'dreams 141]

Very well said and written intuition. The voice of reason and I agree with everything you wrote. Except if I may and please do not take it as offensive, but I would disagree about your motto "Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure". I wish that was true, but in many cases: fear is unfortunately a symptom of knowledge and ignorance the cure. It is off topic, but a very interesting topic and I would be happy to develop that discussion.

 

As an example concerning the lifestyle to my personal view: Fear to get diseases and protecting yourself is a symptom of knowledge vs. ignorance is the cure for people having 'bareback' sex with strangers.

 

wow that is deep posting sorry family visiting didn't have sex for three days....

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We only have a few simple rules with one of them being:

 

No 'taking one for the team' for (what is now obvious to you) obvious reasons

 

Also, as said above, you need to improve your communication with her. Also, there are times that a mans eyes are telling the brain 'look at this crazy stuff that is going on right in front of your eyes', but the brain says 'that CAN'T be happening' and it tells other parts of the body 'stand down, nothing to see here'. It happens...that's all that can be said. Fortunately, if it happens in the future, there is a pill that can help. Still, if there isn't a connection, then there isn't a connection and ignoring that isn't going to make it so.

 

What happened, happened. Let it go and move forward. I'm sure that she didn't give you grief when you were the one getting all of the attention. Talk it out with her, learn from this experience, and don't allow the same mistakes to happen again. Remember, that YOU are the one who gave her permission to have a great night, and she is still with you (not the other guy). Sex is just sex. Talk to her and I think that things will be much better than you think. If you don't feel like you can talk to her...open, honest conversation, then this may not be the thing for you. We wish you the best...

[beardedone 50]

Davdia, were you possibly in the "whiskey dick" zone (too much booze to get it up?) And sometimes we just aren't in the mood. Either way, it was your first time, so a little jealousy is normal. I don't know if it was sexual jealousy or the "I didn't have much fun and you did" jealousy, or a combination of both. If it was a small thing to you, you might chalk it up to first time jitters. If it was indeed a big thing for you, you and she should have a heart-to-heart that this swinging stuff is not for y'all. There is no shame in either case. It is what it is. I suggest you don't force yourself in either direction, but listen to your real emotions and respond responsibly, else sex can drive a HUGE wedge between you and your loved one. By all means, talk it over with your wife but don't include the other couple as this is just between the two of you. If you don't want to swing and she does (or vice versa) it's usually best to go with the most conservative desire -- far fewer problems down the road.

[prplpassion 16]

Davdia.. I'll give you an similar experience from a newbie, and how we've dealt with it so far. I am totally new to all this.. my partner is not. We go to a club where the people are really awesome and friendly and non judgmental about whatever your thing might be.

 

Our encounter was with another couple. He could not rise to the occassion but the oral was ok.. I like that, so alright. My guy is down on her..they switch and he's getting a blow job, making sounds I've not heard He has her get on top, which I cannot do for him with a bum knee. He's got the full meal deal and her partner joins in to help get her over the top... and I'm just laying there. Pissed off, obviously not having fun, with a big feeling of insecurity and inadequacy. My honest thought was, if this is it Im over it already.

 

It took a lot of talking... isolating what upset me..what I was ok with, etc. He truly wants me to enjoy this with him, and by god I'm determined to try. He listened to my concerns. We made a different plan.. we came up with a safe word. Our partners are not psychic. If we are uncomfortable you cant keep giving them the nod of approval, knowing you are feeling worse by the minute. I couldnt say stop, who wants to be the spoil sport when everybody else is having a good time? Thats why the safe word. If I say that, he'll stop it and I dont have to. We took a little break, which helped me stopped obsessing over it. I'm a typical overthinker! It drives me as crazy as it drives him.

 

We went again this weekend. I watched him get a blow job from another gal without any anxiety. I got sex this time and he watched.. and helped. He likes watching that anyway It does get easier, but you have to talk about everything.. you have to really go inside yourself and find what bothered you, and where things went bad for you to enable you to not go there the next time.

 

Breathe.. talk.. and try again

 

Hope that was in some way helpful.

[intuition897 2,179]

... but I would disagree about your motto "Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure". I wish that was true, but in many cases: fear is unfortunately a symptom of knowledge and ignorance the cure. It is off topic, but a very interesting topic and I would be happy to develop that discussion.

 

LOL, well I've used the same signature line for many years now; perhaps it's time for a fresh one. You're right, ignorance is scary.

[victoria'dreams 141]

LOL, well I've used the same signature line for many years now; perhaps it's time for a fresh one. You're right, ignorance is scary.

For every motto there would be always an annoying dude that put it down It is anyway very difficult to concentrate reading your motto as your sexy avatar is guiding the eyes

[Sophia&David 29]

PADOC, You're my hero, thank you ;-)

[Guy1964 177]

I'm wondering if you aren't gunshy because of the bad experience. What would you think about a little prescription help to minimize the possibilities of nerves preventing an erection. I suspect that if you get over the nerves and have a successful experience, things might start looking brighter.

[SASS 69]

Davdia..

 

 

We made a different plan.. we came up with a safe word. Our partners are not psychic. If we are uncomfortable you cant keep giving them the nod of approval, knowing you are feeling worse by the minute. I couldnt say stop, who wants to be the spoil sport when everybody else is having a good time? Thats why the safe word. If I say that, he'll stop it and I dont have to. It does get easier, but you have to talk about everything.. you have to really go inside yourself and find what bothered you, and where things went bad for you to enable you to not go there the next time.

 

Breathe.. talk.. and try again

 

.

 

All of this!! especially the safe word. we had an experience where I felt pressured to keep going with the guy, and I wasn't into it. Crazed just thought it was going good. after we made safe word and tried again. I really confused the other guy when I used the safe word but, he respected it. I was going to write a post about it, but haven't gotten around to it. it seems relevant here. It doesn't have to fit into a conversation at all, though you could have one that can be fit. Our's is something that I am afraid of. I say he it and Crazed knows that I am unhappy and to end things. we have recently also added a new word. we added a "slow it down" word. I use these words in all our play, sometimes I remind him that I have them and will use them when he seems unsure of something while we are making love. I highly recommend safe words. safe phrases work too. Maybe you need to "freshen up" or you ask for a drink that you both know is your least favorite, that says I need to stop this. just some ideas. I hope that you will give us an update on how you and your wife are doing Davidia. I came across this post in march 2017 and the last post was in December last year. hopefully you have talked and worked it out and decided if it was/wasn't for you to try again. I am sure I am not the only one who would like to know?

[Davdia 119]

First and foremost thank you all for your help and advise, I acted inappropriately several times throughout this post, probably why the long pause between now and the last post. There were several folks that implied prescription help would have possibly helped but I believe that's not the case (everything works fine and hasn't had even one issue in that department since) After many long in depth talks with my wife we have not only gotten past this but often joke about how I more or less had my ass handed to me for trying to hard to make things happen when they weren't exactly the right circumstances. We have had several FFM and even once FFFM so I was feeling a little like this was always for me, in an effort to reciprocate we talked about setting up a MMF but couldn't find the right circumstances so we decided to try a couple instead. Unfortunately when we found a couple that she was at least attracted to, I wasn't nearly into the woman as she was the guy. I secretly thought I could take one for the team so to speak, so that I could give her this experience. I should have know that if I wasn't into the woman there might be issues. I usually can get hard just walking past a fence with a hole in it but not this time. This time I was not only not turned on but completely turned off by her (all me, she was trying). I became very jealous as she was having a very good time and I wasn't, this made me feel even worse (why couldn't I just do this for her and never let her know I wasn't into it?).

I really screwed this up from the beginning, virtually no communication about what was on the table and what wasn't, no safe words no nothing. We had a breakdown in our marriage that would have destroyed a less secure marriage and had many long conversations about us. We are both in our early 50's and have sex literally every day, we are now closer than ever. We haven't played with anyone else since and am not sure if we ever will but it's not off the table. I'm madly in love with my wife and can honestly say we are now stronger than we ever have been because of all the open honest talks. This was a very valuable lesson in why the communication has to be done first and never rush things. Most importantly if it doesn't feel right for both, wait until it does. Again you all have no idea how helpful you all have been, even the negative input helped me see different perspectives. Thank you all sincerely!

[SASS 69]

Thank you so much for the Update. It is clear that it is behind you in your tone. I was very curious. we ourselves have taken a break, but that has also been somewhat forced due to being busy raising kids and working and not wanting to take time to date. He is out of town also and that makes it challenging as most people want to meet and play with the couple...or at least confirm couple status and permission. I'm sure our adventures are only temporarily on hold. . Thanks again for the update.