Overreacting??

[Davdia 119]

My wife and I have been together for 15 yrs and married 11 yrs. We have been in many situations together - ffm mmf mfmf and mfff. I love her very much and she says the same.

 

Recently on our 11th anniversary we start talking about sex and our likes and dislikes. We've talked about swinging and have full swapped same room once with a little jealousy that we overcame. I asked her about her first girl girl kiss and she brought out a situation that happened 10 yrs ago at a conference in another state. She said kissed another woman and felt her breast without my permission or knowledge, now mind you I knew about this because she told me shortly after it happened. I told her I forgave her for the indiscretion as long as she was being completely honest and didn't leave out any details of her confession (it actually turned me on). I needed this to reset and justify my jealous feelings.

 

I thought we were good until the new details came out, she admitted she knew the woman long before the conference and knew she was a swinger. She said they had planned to have a couple of drinks at a local bar and after a couple of drinks things started to happen. She also just admitted that this other woman offered her a threesome with her husband as he found her attractive. All details that were left out originally. Then said she doesn't "think" anything else happened (huge red flag, something more to this story) as she had a couple of drinks.

 

Who says "I don't think anything else happened" unless it did? To me it's like telling the police I robbed this bank and don't think I robbed any others?? I offered her a one time free admission to come completely honest and with no recourse. She still stuck to the story only now says nothing happened but a kiss and a feel.

 

Now I can't seem to get beyond being knowingly lied to for ten years and cannot trust anything she says. Am I overreacting?

[Lionheart72 2,189]

Now I can't seem to get beyond being knowingly lied to for ten years and cannot trust anything she says. Am I overreacting?

 

Short answer: yes, you are overreacting.

 

Unless this topic has come up regularly (like at least weekly) for the last ten years, she hasn't been lying to you for ten years. By a broad definition, she lied to you once... and that was a lie of omission. As for saying she doesn't think anything else happened... dude, it was ten years ago and she had had a couple of drinks. At a guess, what she means is that she isn't sure if there was one kiss or maybe two. Maybe her friend groped her tit too, maybe she didn't. She can't recall. Unless she is a seriously heavy drinker, I'm going to guess that she'd recall a full threesome.

 

My question to you is - why are you feeling so insecure about this? I don't mean this is a negative or accusing way. It's a serious question. You are overreacting. It is important to understand what is causing you to overreact.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Yes, you are overreacting. Seriously, some girl on girl touchy feely 10 years ago and it's still a problem? Why I am having such a hard time computing that is...

 

We have been in many situations together - ffm mmf mfmf and mfff. Recently on our 11th anniversary we start talking about sex and our likes and dislikes. We've talked about swinging and have full swapped same room once with a little jealousy that we overcame.

 

All of those things are swinging in anybody's book, so it's not like you are new to this and those experiences haven't bothered you or caused any issues it sounds like. Most people, by the time they have that much experience, have learned that any breaking a rule in the heat of the moment or going a step further than what was intended, isn't a huge deal anymore. They just deal with it and move on. In fact, it's often not a deal at all since they have developed so much trust in each other. I'm assuming the same has probably happened to you two in one or more of those experiences, there was something that happened not quite as planned, but it still wasn't a big issue. So, why this one from 10 years ago then?

[padoc 1,701]

Seriously?? 10 years ago?? Has your relationship grown over the intervening decade? Has your sex life continued apace? Do you love her? Does she love you? Did that incident have any kind of negative effect looking back in fuller knowledge? If you answer yes, yes, yes, and no, then what earthly difference does a night from 10 years ago matter. Maybe she did engage in a 3-some and maybe she wanted to tell you the whole story but your reaction put the stink eye on that! Mrs Doc and I have been together for a long time. If she came to me with a story like that from 10 years ago, I'd want details and it would probably arouse both. 10-15 years ago, something like that could have happened with either of us. If it was before we started to share this hobby, it would be totally understandable that neither of us fessed up. Its only a big deal now if you make it one. Im guessing that the incident did go further than just kissing a girl and was likely alcohol induced, otherwise known as a mistake or some bad judgement. And now, after some of the experiences you've shared together, she may have wanted to share this with you. Or maybe there is an opportunity to repeat it but to include you this time. Whatever it is,10 years is a lot of water under the bridge. If you've NEVER copped a feel, kissed another woman, got a bj, or had some other indiscretion that you failed to reveal to your wife, then I guess you can take the high road in this, lay on the guilt and make her feel awful about a decade old single incident. I don't know what you have to gain or how it benefits your relationship. And yes, you ARE overreacting. If it happened, it was clearly "just sex" and she's taken a shower a day or more for 10 years. I'd say its over.

[Davdia 119]

Short answer: yes, you are overreacting.

 

Unless this topic has come up regularly (like at least weekly) for the last ten years, she hasn't been lying to you for ten years. By a broad definition, she lied to you once... and that was a lie of omission. As for saying she doesn't think anything else happened... dude, it was ten years ago and she had had a couple of drinks. At a guess, what she means is that she isn't sure if there was one kiss or maybe two. Maybe her friend groped her tit too, maybe she didn't. She can't recall. Unless she is a seriously heavy drinker, I'm going to guess that she'd recall a full threesome.

 

My question to you is - why are you feeling so insecure about this? I don't mean this is a negative or accusing way. It's a serious question. You are overreacting. It is important to understand what is causing you to overreact.

 

It's the fact she lied to me back then about all the details,I'm having an issue with not the woman, I just had a sharp stab regarding trust. I love her very much and wonder if anyone had any tips for just getting past this sudden lack of trust.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

It's the fact she lied to me back then about all the details,I'm having an issue with not the woman, I just had a sharp stab regarding trust. I love her very much and wonder if anyone had any tips for just getting past this sudden lack of trust.

 

Respectfully, you're stuck on the surface. You have to look deeper. Why does the fact that she didn't share all the details of an event many years ago bother you?

[Davdia 119]

Respectfully, you're stuck on the surface. You have to look deeper. Why does the fact that she didn't share all the details of an event many years ago bother you?

 

I guess I just need to let it go. The reality is I'm probably overreacting because I'm only comfortable in this lifestyle with 100% trust and I do love this lifestyle. Just felt a little like a slap to the face. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, for god sake we have had sex 96 times in 90 days, she must be as crazy about me as I am her. Lol

[Lionheart72 2,189]

I guess I just need to let it go. The reality im probably overreacting because I'm only comfortable in this lifestyle with 100% trust and I do love this lifestyle. Just felt a little like a slap to the face. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, for god sake we have had sex 96 times in 90 days, she must be as crazy about me as I am her. Lol

 

Yeah, I do think you need to let it go... but I'd suggest that in order to really do that, you need to identify where these feelings are coming from.

 

This isn't the first time you've posted here asking for help with a strong emotion reaction, that ultimately IMO steamed from a sense of insecurity. Until you identify the source of this feeling of insecurity, you will continue to have these emotional reactions and, I will hazard a guess that your partner is already getting unhappy with dealing with your reactions.

 

If you really love your partner and enjoy the swinging lifestyle, I believe you need to get to the root of this problem.

[machiavel55 81]

To most of the responses here I say, what if Davdia has higher standards regarding honesty? No one can decide for Davdia what is important and what is not. If within your couples...''oh sorry honey but years ago, before we got in the LS a few things happened, I kissed a woman and may have fucked her hubby'' is not important, that's what works for you....it does not have to work for everybody.

 

No Davdia you are not overreacting, if you think your wife keeps on lying about that day, it will stay with you and fester. You cannot rugsweep (is that how you say it?) Also, I thought being completely honest with each other was important to the strength of a couple in LS....saying I think nothing else happened is just like a full confession.

[machiavel55 81]

Unless this topic has come up regularly (like at least weekly) for the last ten years, she hasn't been lying to you for ten years. By a broad definition, she lied to you once... and that was a lie of omission. As for saying she doesn't think anything else happened... dude, it was ten years ago and she had had a couple of drinks. At a guess, what she means is that she isn't sure if there was one kiss or maybe two. Maybe her friend groped her tit too, maybe she didn't. She can't recall. Unless she is a seriously heavy drinker, I'm going to guess that she'd recall a full threesome.

Wow! Really? She has kept details from him for 10 years,and that is lying for 10 years...and people do that when they don't want their partner to start digging because there is something bigger there. If it was something really not important she would have admitted it when she admitted to the kiss and she would have completely cleared the air and they would have had a good laugh together. But no, she trickled truth just like cheaters do because they feel very guilty and cannot admit out loud what they have done...and no, 10 years may have passed an even with lots of drinks, she knows exactly what happened. No one forgets situations that are not totally Kosher(absent husband) especially if they involve romantic or sexual activity.

[machiavel55 81]

Yes, you are overreacting. Seriously, some girl on girl touchy feely 10 years ago and it's still a problem? Why I am having such a hard time computing that is...

All of those things are swinging in anybody's book, so it's not like you are new to this and those experiences haven't bothered you or caused any issues it sounds like. Most people, by the time they have that much experience, have learned that any breaking a rule in the heat of the moment or going a step further than what was intended, isn't a huge deal anymore. They just deal with it and move on. In fact, it's often not a deal at all since they have developed so much trust in each other. I'm assuming the same has probably happened to you two in one or more of those experiences, there was something that happened not quite as planned, but it still wasn't a big issue. So, why this one from 10 years ago then?

 

First it is not the girl on girl that is the problem, it's the possibility there was a 3 some with the girls hubby years before they entered LS and her response which makes no sense at all. I believe that's called cheating. Also, Davdia is not that experienced in LS.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davdia

 

Can I ask did you find this out before the things in your other post on this site?

 

I think no one here can really tell you if your over reacting or not because we all have different views on the matter - so let me ask you does it really matter any more?

 

If no great move on and tell your wife that it did hurt but as long as she will be upfront from now on your willing to let it go if she is.

 

If it does still matter to you then as a team you guys need to work it out before doing any more sex with others - don't just try to gloss over it - I don't mean nag the wife until she tells you I mean you and her have to be at peace with it.

 

If you don't work this out then every time you have a small doubt about something it will come back to you and pretty soon you will have UN-trusting thoughts all the time which can lead you down the path of depression.

 

That is not good for anyone (if it has not started already). Look at it this way she may of did more - she may not - but if she has been trustworthy since those times then she probably is trustworthy now.

 

And really what do you want from your life with your wife now this very moment? Could it be love and trust - marriage is a hard thing to keep when your already having issues with trust.

 

So what can help? I think if you two take a break and look for some of those getting to know your spouse better kind of things like the weekend away with some guru lol

These classes are meant to help you and the wife get back on even street, once you got it all going then look at the LS again if you want.

 

(Also this post of yours is why I was trying to tell another person in a different post to be honest with their partner now because it will come out one day and just look what happens.)

 

Love and respect you and your wife, take some time out with her only and get back to the love you have for each other.

 

Regards

[machiavel55 81]

luvin eye full.....Brilliant post!

[Davdia 119]

Davdia

 

Can I ask did you find this out before the things in your other post on this site?

 

I think no one here can really tell you if your over reacting or not because we all have different views on the matter - so let me ask you does it really matter any more?

 

If no great move on and tell your wife that it did hurt but as long as she will be upfront from now on your willing to let it go if she is.

 

If it does still matter to you then as a team you guys need to work it out before doing any more sex with others - don't just try to gloss over it - I don't mean nag the wife until she tells you I mean you and her have to be at peace with it.

 

If you don't work this out then every time you have a small doubt about something it will come back to you and pretty soon you will have UN-trusting thoughts all the time which can lead you down the path of depression.

 

That is not good for anyone (if it has not started already). Look at it this way she may of did more - she may not - but if she has been trustworthy since those times then she probably is trustworthy now.

 

And really what do you want from your life with your wife now this very moment? Could it be love and trust - marriage is a hard thing to keep when your already having issues with trust.

 

So what can help? I think if you two take a break and look for some of those getting to know your spouse better kind of things like the weekend away with some guru lol

These classes are meant to help you and the wife get back on even street, once you got it all going then look at the LS again if you want.

 

(Also this post of yours is why I was trying to tell another person in a different post to be honest with their partner now because it will come out one day and just look what happens.)

 

Love and respect you and your wife, take some time out with her only and get back to the love you have for each other.

 

Regards

 

I did find out after the other post, the big problem is in the first version of events she told me she ran into this woman she knew....recent revelations uncovered that she actually worked with her daily before the trip and for six months after she got back, none of which was disclosed in the first version.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

I did find out after the other post, the big problem is in the first version of events she told me she ran into this woman she knew....recent revelations uncovered that she actually worked with her daily before the trip and for six months after she got back, none of which was disclosed in the first version.

 

OK, so you feel, what? That she undersold how well she knew this woman? You're worried that maybe she did that deliberately to concealed that fact because the event was also more significant? OK, I can a sense to that.

 

OTOH, I can also see a logic wherein your wife, despite the fact that she worked with those women for a while doesn't consider any more than "someone she knew." I don't consider most of my co-workers as anything more than that. Granted, I haven't felt them up... but as a swinger, I can see a circumstance where I wouldn't feel anything more or less for them because of it.

 

Ultimately, this comes down to trust... do you trust that your wife is telling you the truth, that nothing else significant happened and that she has not particular feelings or memories of this women other than as "someone she knew" or do you not trust her. If you don't, why not? I don't think you don't trust her because of this event. I think your reacting of this event so strongly because you don't trust her.

 

You say that you found out about this after the events of your earlier post... so I think you're already feeling insecure in your relationship. I think this is playing on those insecurities.

 

So, again, I think you need to find and address the root of the problem. Why don't you trust her? Why do you feel so insecure with her?

[padoc 1,701]

I should have looked closer at the original post and poster and been reminded of his previous post. The OP and his marriage needs more help than anyone here can provide unless one of us is a clinical psychologist willing to work pro bono. What we are reading are some of the symptoms of a deeply troubled relationship and we're only getting one side. I'm guessing that the missus has a whole different perspective on this story, the last story and the OP. My assessment earlier that the OP needs to find another hobby is more valid after reading this post. I'm troubled by this comment in particular "I offered her a one time free admission to come completely honest and with no recourse". It appears that he meant with no repercussions, not recourse, which indicates that he intends to continue to make an issue of this and perhaps punish her in some way for not taking advantage take of his wonderfully understanding one time offer. The OP sounds like a control freak who is losing control. To answer the OP's question again, he IS over reacting but that seems to clearly fit the patterns of personality he's exposed in these two posts.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davdia

 

Here's what I think happened. Your wife wanted to tell you about it (share it with you) but she knew you have some problems about (fill in the blank).

 

So she told you a modified version - why because she really did want to share this with you. This tells me that she really does want to share the experience with you because of her love for you / but back then she thought the whole version may upset you (shame really).

 

So now you guys are doing LS stuff she thinks well maybe I can start to open up to my husband finally, her point of view probably more along the lines of being free to talk with you.

You take it as no trust any more as your post says.

 

Chicks are just wired differently to males, most will omit things that may hurt us even if it really would not at all. (not all girls but many that I know say straight out "Oh I can not tell him that")

 

What I have learned from these girls is that it's not that they want to lie - hell they did not have to say anything - it's that they want to include the SO but are afraid that the SO will take it the wrong way or think of then as less some how.

 

Believe me if you think your husband will think of you as somehow less or a slut or whatever then you will omit things because she wants you to think she is the one - the best - and not just any girl. Special. (girls that is why some guys worry about the dick size as well - Take note lol)

 

So I think every one here is trying to help in their own way, we are all saying the same thing to you. - If you want to fix this then you have to find where it's coming from - the thing that happened all that time ago is Not the cause only a symptom of deeper things, that is why no has been able to help with this in any way because all us guys know - we have been though it as well (to some extent).

 

So what can you do about it?

 

I think swinging is only going to make it worse - think about it - she feels a little free and moans differently then with you - suddenly all the mis-trust comes back - so you cover it over with more sex and it goes on.

 

Meanwhile the wife thinks heehaw we are now becoming more free in our self's so much so we can talk, love, open up to each other bla bla bla.... (sorry girls but after 30yrs with one chick that all I here now lol )

 

Davdia, I know it's not what you want to hear but mate stop swing and take time with you and her - do you really want to waste all the good times together - I think not - get up from the computer go and kiss your wife and tell her you love her and then plan some time with her away somewhere - if you need to get some help - don't live like this for one more minute you are wasting time - now go old son and make your and hers life worth living.

 

Show her your love and let her show hers to you.

 

Regards

[PeterJ 926]

I should have looked closer at the original post and poster and been reminded of his previous post. The OP and his marriage needs more help than anyone here can provide unless one of us is a clinical psychologist willing to work pro bono. What we are reading are some of the symptoms of a deeply troubled relationship and we're only getting one side. I'm guessing that the missus has a whole different perspective on this story, the last story and the OP. My assessment earlier that the OP needs to find another hobby is more valid after reading this post. I'm troubled by this comment in particular "I offered her a one time free admission to come completely honest and with no recourse". It appears that he meant with no repercussions, not recourse, which indicates that he intends to continue to make an issue of this and perhaps punish her in some way for not taking advantage take of his wonderfully understanding one time offer. The OP sounds like a control freak who is losing control. To answer the OP's question again, he IS over reacting but that seems to clearly fit the patterns of personality he's exposed in these two posts.

 

I believe you've hit the nail on the head and driven it home with a single stroke, padoc.

[machiavel55 81]

If Davdia doesn't think his wife can keep her stories straight, his might be worse....12/3/2106 he stated "together 12 years, married for 5 years"....but he opens this thread with "together for 15 years, married for 11 years".

 

Trolling?

Clouseau is that you?....just kidding, very good observation!

[Davdia 119]

It was an honest mistake, I first meat to say we're together 15 yrs, 5 yrs before we were married, I was still off by 1 yr as we just had our 11th anniversary, but by no means trying to be dishonest. Some people here are awesome and very informative, intelligent and genuine. I know some of my behavior is not what I'd like it to be, by airing my feelings some of you help me to realize what I'm feeling isn't as bad as I make it out to be. It is a huge help. Some however must misunderstand me trying to understand and rationalize my feelings to put them behind me as a cry for sympathy, not at all what I'm looking for. Obviously you all have felt these feelings but maybe on a smaller scale. I'm looking for real tips on how to absorb these counter productive feelings and turn them into a positive experience. Please no more attacks on my person, I'm just trying to understand feelings I've never had in the past so we can grow stronger together.

[Davdia 119]

Ok, let's say your right, I'm a control freak losing control, stop trying to punish for being who I am and tell me what YOU would do to learn to be ok with that. I love my wife and this is hurting her, I get that, I hate that!! I find feeling and emotions to be sometimes overwhelming and crippling, alas I cannot seem to stop this retched self destructive behavior. I want to be ok with this!!

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davdia

 

Go to the doctors and tell him/her what you have told us, in so much as your finding feeling and emotions to be sometimes overwhelming and crippling, and can not seem to stop this retched self destructive behavior.

 

They will or should give a test for the range of depression lines, if your feel this way nothing we say can help now you need to go to the doc asp.

 

I hope that all goes well for you and your wife.

 

Regards

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

How do you cure a control freak?

 

Love, trust, communication

 

She didn't tell you the 'whole' truth 10 years ago because maybe she knew that you couldn't handle the truth (at least then). Now thinking that maybe you could handle more of the truth, she gave you more info...and you STILL couldn't handle the truth. I think your problem isn't this (or any other) particular event, but just a lack of trust. As a former control freak, I know where you are coming from. The ONLY way to cure your problem is to just love her, trust her and talk to her WITHOUT repercussions when or if you find new things out. She still with you, she still loves you. She tried to trust you with more information and in response, you push her away telling her that you KNEW she was lying. This IS NOT a good plan. Granting her a one time 'immunity' is also not a good plan. Think of the many times that you haven't told her the whole truth. I'm willing to bet that there are 100's more that you can't think of right now. Instead of what you are doing, realize that she is trying to trust you more, tell you more, love you more. Accept it and let the past go.

 

With love comes trust, with trust comes communication, with communication comes deeper love. It's a vicious circle. Make sure that you are moving towards more of all three and not towards less.

[Davdia 119]

I understand your perspective and it does make sense. I'm posting here for advice because I do love her and the people here tend to temper their opinions on those who maybe step over the line in the heat of the moment and it's those perspectives I'm trying to understand, maybe it could help how I'm feeling.

 

Maybe I am overreacting "but"

 

The logical side of me still tells me that if your spouse came to you and disclosed a moment of weakness and you forgave them only to find out years later that it was potentially way more to it than was disclosed. I think is normal to feel betrayed.

[padoc 1,701]

The "but" negates the affirmation of the primary question. It also indicates that you're not looking for an answer to that question, what you're looking for is confirmation that you are justified in having your nose out of joint. You DO need professional help.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

The logical side of me still tells me that if your spouse came to you and disclosed a moment of weakness and you forgave them only to find out years later that it was potentially way more to it than was disclosed. I think is normal to feel betrayed.

 

Except you aren't being logical, you're being emotional. The only "evidence" that "it was potentially way more to it than was disclosed" is you reading volumes into your wife said. Those volumes only exist in your head.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Ok, lets say your right, I'm a control freak losing control, stop trying to punish for being who I am and tell me what YOU would do to learn to be ok with that. I love my wife and this is hurting her, I get that, I hate that!! I find feeling and emotions to be sometimes overwhelming and crippling, alas I cannot seem to stop this retched self destructive behavior. I want to be ok with this!!

 

I don't think anybody is positioned to tell you that you are right or wrong to feel that she's been dishonest. I tend to be sensitive to yellow flags about honesty and trust, too. (Mrs. EastInWest can tell you that she originally thought not to tell me about something because she was afraid of hurting me, only to find out that it was way worse for me to find out she'd hidden something. On the flipside, I've learned that I need to get a situation "handled" before telling her about it, or else it would worry her to death, and she appreciates that.) I could imagine being a little annoyed in your position.

 

With that said, you do say that it's "potentially" way more than that. Yes, a little annoying, OK, but unless this is something that you think is a pattern of her screwing around behind your back or systematically deceiving you, it's only that. Your language suggests a massively intrusive reaction to this and I agree with the other poster who says you need to tell your doctor. Emotions might be overwhelming and crippling about overwhelming and crippling things: the loss of a child, a terminal illness, a terrible natural disaster.

 

This is not that. If I went off the rails every time Mrs. EastInWest forgot to mention some dude wanting to rail her, I'd probably not be able to hold down a job. It's the cost of being with a desirable woman. Seriously.

 

Then I read the other thread and I really don't think this is about your wife at all. You seem to go looking for reasons to be hurt, and I would be surprised if your wife doesn't feel like she's walking on eggshells around you to try not to hurt you, and is also feeling frustrated that she's put in situations where she can't possibly win. This is something to talk to someone about.

[Scaredstiff 129]

If I were in your shoes I think I would feel similar to be honest. And if it were me I would absolutely have to hear the whole truth before I could come to terms with it, I think it's the not knowing that is tearing you up, and personally I think that's a perfectly normal way to feel, but if your wife sees that you're being torn up inside when she tries to tell you then it's also very understandable that she finds it hard to disclose everything to you. Get the truth first and then forgive, forget and move on, she obviously loves you very much and if there is more to the truth then it must be hurting her to keep it inside.

[machiavel55 81]

Except you aren't being logical, you're being emotional. The only "evidence" that "it was potentially way more to it than was disclosed" is you reading volumes into your wife said. Those volumes only exist in your head.

 

Yes, he is reading volumes into her response ''I think nothing else happened''. I'm surprised that with your experience and knowledge of what honesty really is in a couple, you can't see that such an answer only breeds distrust.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Davdia

 

This will be the last of my posts on this one.

 

I agree with many of the other posters that are trying to help you out - but really, you're going in circles with your feelings. It can not get better because your mind will only find something new to pick on- I know what it's like to find out half truths and so do many men and women here, but this is more than that I believe, and you do need at lest some help to get you back on a even keel. The best way to do that is go to the docs and tell them about your feelings (as per your own post).

 

While you are doing that also (like others have said) give the wife some credit - she could of not told you, she could of left you long ago as I think this has been going on and of over some time.

 

She must love you and you need to accept her love, good luck my friend.

 

Regards.

[Davdia 119]

The way more details I was referring to wasn't an assumption of more sex but more lies. She first said she met someone she knew at the conference as if it were running into someone by accident only to later disclose that she actually worked with her in the same room every day and still did for six more months afterward, all of which she withheld. The way more details is that lie......I truly don't care about sex as much as honestly

[EastInWest 1,524]

The way more details I was referring to wasn't an assumption of more sex but more lies. She first said she met someone she knew at the conference as if it were running into someone by accident only to later disclose that she actually worked with her in the same room every day and still did for six more months afterward, all of which she withheld. The way more details is that lie......I truly don't care about sex as much as honestly

 

The problem is that even in your posts here, we can see you going around in circles about it.

 

I hope you don't mind my saying, but on another thread about someone overstepping boundaries and cheating, you posted four times in a row. This topic clearly agitates you a great deal.

 

Yes, she fudged some facts to try to smooth something over: she seems to have thought she told you some essential facts about what happened but didn't want to make more drama, so she left out a few "unimportant" things thinking it would protect you and the relationship. People do that. It's rarely a good idea and it's reasonable to be annoyed by it, but it's a common thing that people do and most people realize that and understand why it's done. I think most people would make a mental note, be more cautious with this person, maybe clarify their needs about honesty, but you're fixating and your wheels seem to be coming off about it. There's a ton of visible distress here.

 

As padoc noted above, whenever you start to acknowledge this, there's a "but" moment where you insist on bringing yourself back to your preferred state: upset, blaming. If you don't trust your partner, that's a problem. It might be a problem with them, it might be a problem with you. What I can definitely say from this exchange, though, is that you're swamped by this incident and should consider talking to a counselor or therapist about your coping skills and intrusive thoughts. Maybe couples counseling is in order.

[Davdia 119]

I am definitely going to counseling. I know I need it to get behond this. I respect all of your opinions and have learned a lot.

My first initial thought of swinging was if two people trust each other than it would be a great trust builder, for some I'm sure it is. After reading this forum I'm not so sure I'm compatible with swinging at all. I have never cheated or broken rules. Many many post here about broken trust and rules. Just curious has anyone ever had the conversation in advance about what will happen if one of you break the trust or rules, kind of like the discussion of what your ok with and not ok with?

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

Once again, I read this as your spouse came to you to disclose something but felt she HAD to withhold information because she knew you...know you would be hurt and take it wrong and/or to the extreme. Sounds like she was right. Later, she felt that you might be ready to hear more and found out that you weren't. You may be right, you may not be compatible with swinging, but I still think that the bigger problem that needs work is your relationship. Stop swinging and devote yourself to you wife...start 'dating' her again. Prove to her that she can come to you and say anything without repercussions from you. This may not be easy for you to handle, but we will still be here (even if you have stopped swinging) to help you along. Make your relationship with her better...nothing bad can come from that. If you look for the bad, then all you will find is the bad. Start looking for the good...she came to you and wanted to clear the air about this, she felt that you were ready to hear what was previously withheld. This IS a good thing. Yes, there is a bunch of topics and discussions about broken trust and rules, but I do believe that in every case at some point you have to put it behind and FORGET about it or the past will always haunt your relationship and eventually poison it.

 

Just curious has anyone ever had the conversation in advance about what will happen if one of you break the trust or rules, kind of like the discussion of what your ok with and not ok with?

 

We did when we were just starting. In the beginning we had a list of rules that we continued to talk about as we approached the edge of those rules. If someone broke or bent a rule, we would openly talk about it and then let it go. Only if it happened a second time was it a problem. 1st time: accident, 2nd time: on purpose, since it already happened once and you didn't do anything to prevent it from occurring again. We never got to having a rule broken twice since we both knew what the boundaries were and had talked about them making sure the limits were agreed upon.

 

You can't keep punishing her for sins in the past or you will eventually find yourself justified, but alone.

 

Wish you the best. Once again, this is coming from a reformed control freak. It is possible.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Just curious has anyone ever had the conversation in advance about what will happen if one of you break the trust or rules, kind of like the discussion of what your ok with and not ok with?

 

Honestly, not that we're the experienced, but we both had to take a fairly laissez-faire approach to what we were going to do. We knew what we'd done in the past - soft, up to oral - and we always knew that we didn't want to play separately and that we needed condoms for intercourse. We figured that before we went further than that, we'd have to speak up, and we'd keep an eye on each other and speak up if we didn't like what was going on.

 

(In practice, we liked everything that was going on and didn't need to lodge any protests. We also had a good talk in the shower between sessions about what had happened and checked in that we were on the same page about continuing instead of going home.)

 

A lot of people here will say that the most important rule is that you both know you can both call a stop, for any reason, and that your partner will respect that and not resist it or resent it. Politely call it a night and go get yourselves back on the same page without turning it into the blame game. It's sex. Unexpected things happen and senses run high and cum gets everywhere. That's by design of our bodies. Part of the trust involved in playing with others is going to be accepting that and being able to have an understanding two-way discussion about why it bothered you and figuring out where the other person was coming from, as opposed to blaming the other person for doing something that bothered you - or for being bothered by something you did.

 

I read your "smuck" story and I just see all kinds of missing pieces of communication and trust that raise a bunch of flags. There's a big gap here between how you and your wife seem to think about this, and it's something that you can work on together if you want to.

 

As for this post, I don't think your wife meant to hurt you. I think your wife was in a new marriage and believed that she had to soften the blow to protect you, and that ten years later, she thought she could own it because she knew you better. You're proving her initial estimation right, that she couldn't tell you. You're focused on the perceived wrongs, but you're not focused on the underlying problem that is causing all of this to feel like she's out to hurt you, which is a communication/trust problem - which, as most people would tell you here, is essential to resolve if you're interested in swinging.

 

EDIT: GoldCoCouple apparently hit submit a long time ago while I was typing this post, so yeah, what he said.

[Branigan 33]

Davdia,

 

I can see now after this thread that your comments on my thread were likely drawn from personal feelings. I am sorry you are going through this. I think the advice that you have been given by luvin eye full is top notch and I agree.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

[10thBadger 25]

On 12/10/2016 at 4:31 PM, padoc said:

Seriously?? 10 years ago?? Has your relationship grown over the intervening decade? Has your sex life continued apace? Do you love her? Does she love you? Did that incident have any kind of negative effect looking back in fuller knowledge? If you answer yes, yes, yes, and no, then what earthly difference does a night from 10 years ago matter. Maybe she did engage in a 3-some and maybe she wanted to tell you the whole story but your reaction put the stink eye on that! Mrs Doc and I have been together for a long time. If she came to me with a story like that from 10 years ago, I'd want details and it would probably arouse both. 10-15 years ago, something like that could have happened with either of us. If it was before we started to share this hobby, it would be totally understandable that neither of us fessed up. Its only a big deal now if you make it one. Im guessing that the incident did go further than just kissing a girl and was likely alcohol induced, otherwise known as a mistake or some bad judgement. And now, after some of the experiences you've shared together, she may have wanted to share this with you. Or maybe there is an opportunity to repeat it but to include you this time. Whatever it is,10 years is a lot of water under the bridge. If you've NEVER copped a feel, kissed another woman, got a bj, or had some other indiscretion that you failed to reveal to your wife, then I guess you can take the high road in this, lay on the guilt and make her feel awful about a decade old single incident. I don't know what you have to gain or how it benefits your relationship. And yes, you ARE overreacting. If it happened, it was clearly "just sex" and she's taken a shower a day or more for 10 years. I'd say its over.

What happened to everybody talking about honesty. She kept this LIE for 10 years going on. And then everything is supposed to be OK because it was 10 years ago. That means she had a continuous lie in her relationship that she kept from her husband. Everybody keeps talking about being honest but when a woman is not honest, she gets a pass and everything is supposed to be OK. He has every right to be pissed off. That’s just like one of your wives coming up to you 10 years later and saying you know what I had an affair on you. You’ll be saying the same thing, she kept this lie going and going about her day as normal but finally fesses up and should be forgiven because of the time it took for her to be truthful. 

[10thBadger 25]

On 12/12/2016 at 11:38 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

How do you cure a control freak?

 

Love, trust, communication

 

She didn't tell you the 'whole' truth 10 years ago because maybe she knew that you couldn't handle the truth (at least then). Now thinking that maybe you could handle more of the truth, she gave you more info...and you STILL couldn't handle the truth. I think your problem isn't this (or any other) particular event, but just a lack of trust. As a former control freak, I know where you are coming from. The ONLY way to cure your problem is to just love her, trust her and talk to her WITHOUT repercussions when or if you find new things out. She still with you, she still loves you. She tried to trust you with more information and in response, you push her away telling her that you KNEW she was lying. This IS NOT a good plan. Granting her a one time 'immunity' is also not a good plan. Think of the many times that you haven't told her the whole truth. I'm willing to bet that there are 100's more that you can't think of right now. Instead of what you are doing, realize that she is trying to trust you more, tell you more, love you more. Accept it and let the past go.

 

With love comes trust, with trust comes communication, with communication comes deeper love. It's a vicious circle. Make sure that you are moving towards more of all three and not towards less.

So much for honesty. It’s OK to lie if you think your partner cannot handle it. That goes against everything that everybody says on here about communication and honesty. Wow I can’t believe I’m reading this. I’m just thinking how could he trust her if she continues to Trickle out information that is different from the first and the second time. Like I said so much for honesty. Because honesty and trust is the first thing that everybody says on here to anybody that is a newbie and looking to get into the lifestyle.