How to communicate with my partner about whether we're both into someone at a club

[lochai 16]

My girlfriend and I have gone to a few swingers' clubs and are wondering: after meeting a person or couple at a club, what's a fast and discreet way for me and her to communicate about whether we're both into playing with them? So far we've just stepped aside and briefly talked about it, but that felt a little awkward and might not work as well if the environment is more playful or faster paced.

 

I've thought about using a code word or some kind of subtle gesture we could use to indicate to each other whether we're into playing with them (or not into it . What do you do? Have you tried things that worked better or didn't work so well?

 

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Edit: just found an old thread about this issue titled "communicate" from 2003.

But I'd still like to hear anyone else's thoughts if you have them.

[njbm 2,903]

We have a code gesture. The first time I used it, she did not notice it. We talked about it and it works now. Our preference is to have a vanilla dinner out with a potential couple and talk about the pairing at home, privately and with time. But at a club, people expect things to happen.

[lochai 16]

The first time I used it, she did not notice it.

 

LOL I've been thinking about how a gesture might be missed, and imagined me signalling NO furiously while she's all smitten by the new person.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I don't think it's a terrible thing if you two ask to excuse yourselves to chat for a second when the time comes to decide whether or not to play with a couple at a club. At least the other couple knows that you two are communicating! And if you feel confident that a simple signal or gesture is going to be enough discussion, then I imagine you could step away to talk, and be back before the other couple knows you're gone! "Yes?" "Yes." "OK!"

 

Having said that, I confess that the Mrs and I do have a code that we use. We use a particular phrase to indicate that we're up for playing, or a different phrase to convey that we do not want to play.

[njbm 2,903]

I gave the signal eighteen times and my wife did not receive. Fortunately, we both liked the couple and it was an easy yes. But I agree with Couple in Md, nothing wrong with calling timeout to talk about it. We met a couple of newbies recently and we said we are stepping away, you guys talk about it.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I gave the signal eighteen times and my wife did not receive. Fortunately, we both liked the couple and it was an easy yes.

LOL! We had a get-together with a couple last July in which I was completely oblivious to the "no-go" signal the Mrs was giving me. She ended up retreating to the ladies room, where she sent me a text with a clear statement saying that it was time to bail out. Trying not to be rude to the couple, of course, I left my vibrating phone in my pocket rather than whip it out in front of them. In the fullness of time, I decided I needed to visit the little boys' room myself. On my way to the bathroom, I finally saw the text from my wife. I answered, in complete agreement, so we both knew the deal when I got back from the bathroom.

[Tahoecple 319]

I think folks make this a lot more difficult than it needs to be just trying to be clandestine about it. First, if you and your spouse are at a club or party house you are there to play with other people. For us it’s a “go,” unless one of us isn’t into the people we’re talking with. We make a point of being pleasant and respectful with everybody we meet. If one of us isn’t into the people we meet, that person will ask something like, “What time are Bob and Carrol supposed to be her.” We don’t pull on a right earlobe, or any of the other little signs I’ve heard about. We then just tell the people that we have made plans to meet friends tonight, I think we need to check and see if they slipped by us before we give them a call.

 

Never be afraid to say no thank you, to an invitation of anything beyond initial conversation if you’re not into whatever it is or whoever ii is. We’re all adults here and as adults need to put on our big boy or big girl pants, and face the fact that we are in control of whatever we do. The one thing to keep in mind is that it affects the longevity and tranquility of a relationship to remember, if your spouse isn’t into it, whatever it is, neither should you be. If he or she says no just go with no, talk about it when you get home.

[njbm 2,903]

If it's a no for one of us, it's a no for both us. We play as a team. At least in the first round.

[padoc 1,704]

Mrs Doc can tell if Im interested in the female half of a couple and if that interest is returned. Since she ALWAYS makes the final decision, what usually happens is that the four of us will be standing together or on the dance floor and Mrs Doc will take the husbands arm and say to all of us, "lets go find a room" (or a bed, depending on the club). Simple and idiot proof in our first years in this hobby. Now, there have been rare occasion where one or the other of us has made a connection more quickly than the other and she may say, "Honey, (insert name) and I are going to find a room, come find us when you're ready". That works both ways for us but may not be acceptable for couples new to the hobby.

[kikonkrome 844]

So what are the systems that people use. I must admit we have screwed that one up more times than I can count.

 

In regards to grabbing another partner and asking the others to join later, that only really works if you play separately.

[Alura 2,775]

I really don't believe there is a substitute for a couple having a private conversation about this decision. A couple who would feel offended by such a consultation, is not one we'd care to play with. Good luck!