Help! I can't seem to tell my hubby what I want

[Jare1998 62]

My husband and I are fairly new to the lifestyle although we've been interested in it for a while. A bit of info about me so you understand where I'm coming from- I was raised in a very ultra conservative home where this lifestyle was not discussed. I grew up very sheltered. The only discussion my parents had with me about sex is to stay away from it. I've never been comfortable with sharing my feelings about my sexuality with anyone. Only recently did I share with my husband that I am interested in women. He is very supportive and always listens to me. I feel comfortable with sharing stuff with him because I know he won't judge me.

 

I am a very sexual person by nature, I'm pretty wild when the mood strikes me. It's not a problem with desire or being able to let go and perform. My problem is with being embarrassed about telling him what I want to try. I have a great imagination and I watch porn to get ideas, but I can't seem to vocalize my desires. Whenever I try to I get all tongue tied and just stumble over the words. What comes out sounds nothing like what is in my head. So pretty much I don't speak up about my wants which leaves my husband wondering if I'm interested in this lifestyle or not. I especially have a hard time when it comes to telling him what I want and not feeling like a bad person for having these desires in the first place.

 

Can anyone else relate? Has anyone else had an upbringing that comes back to haunt them whenever they want to make progress in the lifestyle. I'm fully committed to fixing this part of my personality so I can be more forward with my wants. Thanks!

[Guest luvin eye full]

Hi Jare1998

 

Both my wife and I were where you are now and are still growing each day, (we both were brought up the old way where men don't talk and women do what they were told - This did not suit us but was hard to overcome lol).

 

So we started bumbling around with trying to express our thoughts lol - so to get a clear view we started writing it down and would let the other one read it then talk about (which lead to more talking)then once we started talking more because of the letters we found that it started to become more natural to just talk.

 

We have a friend that goes to the local pub and meets his wife there and they role play him and her as just friends talking about any problems they have at home, this way they get to say what they want without the drama.

 

Just find what is your style and take it easy - from what you say your husband seems to want to help and truly that is 90% of it already in a great place.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I was raised in a very ultra conservative home where this lifestyle was not discussed. I grew up very sheltered. The only discussion my parents had with me about sex is too stay away from it...Whenever I try to I get all tongue tied and just stumble over the words. What comes out sounds nothing like what is in my head. So pretty much I don't speak up about my wants which leaves my husband wondering if I'm interested in this lifestyle or not. I especially have a hard time when it comes to telling him what I want and not feeling like a bad person for having these desires in the first place. Can anyone else relate? Has anyone else had an upbringing that comes back to haunt them whenever they want to make progress in the lifestyle.

 

This sounds like it might be very similar to Mrs. EastInWest. She was also brought up in a somewhat conservative and religious background and sometimes feels like her mom and the nuns are still giving her a hard time about boys. I think in our case, having third party encouragement (starting with me) helped her most to feel it was OK.

 

When you say "tongue tied", do you feel like you panic and can't talk about it, or like you simply aren't allowed to say what you want to say? For Mrs. EastInWest, it's kind of always been that duality/conflict where she'll talk "in the moment" about something sounding like she wants to do it, but then she'll be filling out an online quiz and click that she would never do that - because that's the "correct" answer, isn't it?

 

Just comparing for the sake of understanding how you're feeling. I think Luvin Eye Full's post about trying to write it down or roleplay third parties is very constructive. Some of our first conversations about doing this occurred during oral sex, not so much because it was dirty talk but because it was hard to talk about if we were looking each other in the eye.

[Guest]

Its not clear to me, are you wanting to swing or pursue fantasies and just unable or unwilling to verbalize such or are you afraid to have any type of discussion because the topics are so taboo to you given your upbringing?

[kikonkrome 844]

Part of what opened the door for us was porn. Basically it took a lot of asking her to show me what she is interested in rather than verbalize it.

 

My wife still has a difficult time expressing her needs. If I ask did you like that her response will be 'Did you?' and I call her out on, frankly answering. Once it comes out though she is open about it and relaxed.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I had a dirty dream and told my wife all about it , in the dream I caught her fucking a stranger at a house party in a spare bedroom , I stood at the door and thought about blowing the roof off but I decided to join in instead, she could see how horny I was and telling her about it was like letting the cat out of the bag after being couped up for ages and turned me on even more, I made sure I was rubbing her pussy while I recounted the story to her, I could feel her getting wetter as the story unfolded, she came at the point in the story where I put my cock in her mouth and told the stranger to fuck her harder, just reliving it now is making me horny actually.

 

This led to many more fantasies being discussed and eventually talking about swinging, in fact I have just come downstairs after we have spent the last hour reading through "the swinger manual" together and we will soon be planning our first adventure, all started with a dream

[Alura 2,774]

Children accept what their parents teach them without question. It's only when they get older and recognize the inconsistencies that they start to reject early childhood training.

 

It is encouraging that you don't fear an adverse reaction to your questions from your husband. Take advantage of this and talk about your feelings in depth. Delve into things that happened in your childhood. In my own case, at about age three, I was sitting on the potty. I had evened-off the toilet paper roll, wadded the offending uneven part and dropped it into the potty between my thighs. Mom turned around just as my hand was coming away from my crotch. She thought I'd been masturbating. "Don't do that," she screamed. "You'll die!" I wondered how discarding toilet paper into the potty might kill me, but assumed it to be true or Mom wouldn't have said it. Although I no longer fear death from dropping paper into the toilet between my thighs, I remember this incident every time I do it.

 

Intellectually, one can learn to reject early childhood "training," but emotionally? Well, that's something else. Years of in-depth discussion with your husband may be the answer, hopefully.

 

Good luck, and keep us updated!

[Jare1998 62]

Its not clear to me, are you wanting to swing or pursue fantasies and just unable or unwilling to verbalize such or are you afraid to have any type of discussion because the topics are so taboo to you given your upbringing?

 

I'm definitely into swinging. I really want to explore my fantasies and at times I've been able to express myself more openly. It takes me a while to really get relaxed enough though to forget myself and open up. It's really a problem with ignoring the voices telling me I'm a bad person for wanting to enjoy this lifestyle. I'm not afraid to speak up, just don't really know how to get out what I want and make it sound believable and sexy.

[Jare1998 62]

Children accept what their parents teach them without question. It's only when they get older and recognize the inconsistencies that they start to reject early childhood training.

 

It is encouraging that you don't fear an adverse reaction to your questions from your husband. Take advantage of this and talk about your feelings in depth. Delve into things that happened in your childhood. In my own case, at about age three, I was sitting on the potty. I had evened-off the toilet paper roll, wadded the offending uneven part and dropped it into the potty between my thighs. Mom turned around just as my hand was coming away from my crotch. She thought I'd been masturbating. "Don't do that," she screamed. "You'll die!" I wondered how discarding toilet paper into the potty might kill me, but assumed it to be true or Mom wouldn't have said it. Although I no longer fear death from dropping paper into the toilet between my thighs, I remember this incident every time I do it.

 

Intellectually, one can learn to reject early childhood "training," but emotionally? Well, that's something else. Years of in-depth discussion with your husband may be the answer, hopefully.

 

Good luck, and keep us updated!

 

That really hits home! Masturbation was definitely frowned upon, I was told it was dirty and I would get into trouble if I was caught. I always felt like something was wrong with me for doing it but I couldn't help myself. I felt so guilty for enjoying it. I guess that still bothers me. I'll feel guilty for wanting to enjoy sex

[DjRayder 43]

I totally can relate to this. Me and my siblings never got the sex talk or I didn't even get sex ed. My education with sex was porn and not internet porn Im talking about magazines and vhs. For awhile I honestly was scared and intimadated in meeting people for sex once I got involved in the hook up sites. What honestly helped me was joining a BDSM group, I learned so much from my friends! I talk with people that have been in the lifestyle for over thirty years and some who are new who are discovering kinks and fetishes at the same rate as me.From this I discovered what I liked and what I was good at.Im not saying to join a kink group but find something similar and talk with people.From there you'll find something that just clicks with you.I hope this helps and good luck finding what your looking for.

[Alura 2,774]

That really hits home! Masturbation was definitely frowned upon, I was told it was dirty and I would get into trouble if I was caught. I always felt like something was wrong with me for doing it but I couldn't help myself. I felt so guilty for enjoying it. I guess that still bothers me. I'll feel guilty for wanting to enjoy sex

 

The real sin was getting caught, no?

[Guest]

I'm definitely into swinging. I really want to explore my fantasies and at times I've been able to express myself more openly. It takes me a while to really get relaxed enough though to forget myself and open up. It's really a problem with ignoring the voices telling me I'm a bad person for wanting to enjoy this lifestyle. I'm not afraid to speak up, just don't really know how to get out what I want and make it sound believable and sexy.

 

We talked about swinging when a couple first “propositioned” us. He was interested, I had concerns about the lady being bi and I had never done that. It kind of ended up with that if we ever did swing, the starting point would be MFM or something similar. A few months later, we had that first MFM, wasn’t really pre arranged, just kind of happened, both of us kind of consciously or subconsciously driving it in that direction, me leading the way once we got into the room. A few weeks later, we were at a bar at a resort, some guy comes over and chats with us. We saw him and his 3 buddies trying to pick up 2 girls when we left to dinner, guess he gave up and decided to chat with us instead. We all chatted, I began to flirt and even seduce, showing him that I had no tan lines when he complimented my tan. At a point, hubby, bf at the time, asked me, your know what you are doing? I told him yes. My point here is that what I have found is that in swinging, I can step out and lead the way. Hubby is by no means a cuck, but rather in sex, whether swinging or not, a man is going to let the lady lady him to the next step as long as she is leading. If I have a fantasy or just a move that is of interest, I don’t need to talk about it or ask permission, I can just give it a try. This is true whether its just the two of us and, say, I want to try rimming him. He is either going to like it and show me he doesn’t, which would be rare. Using this approach, I led us into an MFM with a guy with a rather large dick because I fantasized about having one (had seen him nude in our nude dunes), into a little gb with 4 guys we met at the same beach front motel, starting innocently with sharing shots and allowing it to body shots, etc. This was another time where along the way, he asked if I knew where I was taking this, and then happily came along when I said I think so.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm definitely into swinging. I really want to explore my fantasies and at times I've been able to express myself more openly. It takes me a while to really get relaxed enough though to forget myself and open up. It's really a problem with ignoring the voices telling me I'm a bad person for wanting to enjoy this lifestyle. I'm not afraid to speak up, just don't really know how to get out what I want and make it sound believable and sexy.

 

Can you articulate it in writing? Do you read these forums and anything jumps out at you? Perhaps putting it into words with people you don't feel morally accountable to would help you find the words in person, or describing it in the context of what you've read about other people doing with each other?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Jare1998, I guess it's pretty clear that your issue of dealing with a conservative upbringing is not uncommon! In the beginning of our swinging career, the Mrs had the voices of various authority figures-- mother, priest, etc.-- in her head, telling her that was she was doing was wrong and dirty. With time and practice, and with a firm conviction that her life was hers, to live and enjoy as she pleased, she was able to quiet those voices.

 

I think this may be a case where you can learn by doing. Practice verbalizing your fantasies, with your hubby, with play partners, with us here. Make them just as filthy and naughty as you like, and note how those you share those fantasies with are supportive and non-judgemental. With practice, I bet you will find it easier and smoother to talk about your desires with your husband.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[Jare1998 62]

Jare1998, I guess it's pretty clear that your issue of dealing with a conservative upbringing is not uncommon! In the beginning of our swinging career, the Mrs had the voices of various authority figures-- mother, priest, etc.-- in her head, telling her that was she was doing was wrong and dirty. With time and practice, and with a firm conviction that her life was hers, to live and enjoy as she pleased, she was able to quiet those voices.

 

I think this may be a case where you can learn by doing. Practice verbalizing your fantasies, with your hubby, with play partners, with us here. Make them just as filthy and naughty as you like, and note how those you share those fantasies with are supportive and non-judgemental. With practice, I bet you will find it easier and smoother to talk about your desires with your husband.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

It's encouraging to hear your wife had the same problem and was able to overcome it. You are right, it is my life and I don't need to answer to anyone other than my spouse. If what we do makes us happy then that's our business. I have been practicing being more vocal. It feels good to say what I want and get conversation going. Thanks for the advice!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I was right there with you: Parents never talked about sex except not to do it. Christian schooling, church twice ( if not three times) a week, then married for 20 years to a woman who blamed me for her depression. I started in a very bad place.

 

Work on trusting him. Tell him that you are going to start working on trusting him more (I seriously doubt that he will have a problem with that) and then slowly start opening up to him. Make sure that he knows that you are concerned that you may say something the wrong way or mean something differently than he might take it, and, when and if it happens, you want him to tell you so you can better explain what you are saying. I don't know of any man who doesn't want his wife to trust him more and is willing to share fantasies with.

 

Also, there are other ways to convey what you are wanting to 'say'. Find either stories or porn that convey what you are interested in and share those. There are dozens of places on line that have stories that cover just about everything you could want.

 

Let us know how things progress for the two of you and good luck.