Swinging and Texting

[kikonkrome 844]

This applies to texting, kik, im, etc.

 

The wife and I just really got to more active in this. The online thing, back at the clubs, etc. Meeting new people and seeing old friends, it's been fun, and I am glad we have made the time for it.

 

The texting/kik/im/email conversation thing has really increased though in the last year. It's almost kinda constant and I must admit I am finding it rather challenging. I was just wondering are other people experiencing the same thing?

 

First there is the initial chat, where there is a miscommunication. All of a sudden I get this flaming wall of text!! Frankly I wonder WTF!! Last one was a request for 'naughty pics'. Well we don't have much more than is on this board out, and, honestly, I am just not really interested in adding more. I am interested in meeting people. So that's what I told this couple, and I got this angrily toned message about how they had been in the lifestyle over ten years, blah, blah blah. So my opinion is great, now I know I don't want to have anymore contact here, but still it's a drag.

 

Then there is the single woman thing. I have been in contact with a number and it's fun and flirty. Try to set up a meeting and no reply...sigh just another drag. I fully understand the need for a single woman or couple for that matter wanting to chat. Gauge who we are, is there an attraction? Will this be sane/safe and fun?

 

The other part is the intermittent, flirty back and forth. It's kinda fun, it's also kinda work?!? I do a lot of customer service for a living so sometimes it just feels like more work, if you get my drift.

 

The other part that is different is just the intermittent, chat, text back when you have time available thing. I am definitely more old school, like before answering machines, so when you 'talk' to somebody you actively talk to that one person. But this is a lot more on/off/on again, hope this is making sense.

 

I was just wondering are other people on the board experiencing this? Do other people have strategies for dealing with this? I am just 'overloading' myself?

 

I am certainly staying more relaxed and flirty about this, unlike my job where if a customer has a problem, I get on it right away, hard to turn that off. I have also been practicing a more euphamistic/word indirect approach.

 

Idea's? Comments? Is this just me ranting?

 

It's kinda odd, because you make friends with people, but then to meet IRL, there is just big empty hole.

[Jare1998 62]

We've had trouble with this as well. We met two couples online and I texted back and forth with the female half of one of the couples. We seemed to hit it off until it came time to meet IRL. They had to cancel. Understandable, it happens. So I continue to text her. I made it clear we really wanted to meet when they were able but then the texting from her just stopped. I'd wait a while, sometimes two weeks and would text again but the conversation never went anywhere. Eventually I lost interest and quit trying. With the other couple we were on kik, messaged, sent pics, talked about meeting, etc. They never seemed ready to meet. Suggested places close to them, convenient times,etc. They just seemed like they wanted to keep it strictly on kik. I'm all for texting to get a feel for the other couple but isn't the point to eventually meet? I can't keep messaging someone forever that I've never met in person before. I run out of things to say. I think the whole message, kik thing gets a little out of hand. I like to meet actual people, not have a relationship overy technology. Just my opinion.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Yeah those are my experiences too, had text convo's with lots of couples and have clicked with only one really. We do swap pics with some but we're suspicious of some who only seem to want pics.

The only couples who we've clicked with are the ones where we had the girls talk to each other on the phone fairly early on (even that was after about a week or 20-30 messages backwards and forwards).

A lot of the time we'll get to know quite a bit about the other couple , too much sometimes , like things you probably wouldn't end up talking about in a club, like day to day family stuff (we rarely steer the conversation this way though) and it's only a matter of time before someone gets cold feet , sometimes it's us that will read something that puts us off and we just kinda go cold on that couple for a bit.

It's ridiculous really because if we were face to face with these people we would probably know within 5 minutes if there was chemistry or not, but with text messages there's not really any context to what's being said, like was it tongue in cheek? Or said in jest?

Sometimes we hit a brick wall with a couple and we have to start the whole process over with someone new and like you say it starts to feel like work.

 

The only thing I can recommend is when you think you have a couple that you click with get a phone call in early, it either makes or breaks the bond but it saves wasting loads of time.

[kikonkrome 844]

We've had trouble with this as well. ... They had to cancel. ... So I continue to text her... I made it clear we really wanted to meet when they were able but then the texting from her just stopped... With the other couple we were on kik, messaged, sent pics, talked about meeting, etc. They never seemed ready to meet. Suggested places close to them, convenient times,etc. They just seemed like they wanted to keep it strictly on kik. ...I like to meet actual people, not have a relationship overy technology. Just my opinion.

 

What we do is after a couple cancels for whatever reason, it's on them to contact us and set up something else. We really don't have the patience or energy to chase. We certainly don't keep texting people when they stop. With the second couple we might suggest once or twice to meet, but after that we are done. I give single women more leeway in regards to texting, because hey they are assuming a risk that I do not feel we as a couple are. Just my opinion. We certainly feel that if they go NC for whatever reason they are doing us a favor later down the road. I mean who wants to have sex with really self absorbed, selfish people? Right?

 

... suspicious of some who only seem to want pics.

The only couples who we've clicked with are the ones where we had the girls talk to each other on the phone fairly early on (even that was after about a week or 20-30 messages backwards and forwards)...

 

A lot of the time we'll get to know quite a bit about the other couple , too much sometimes , like things you probably wouldn't end up talking about in a club, like day to day family stuff (we rarely steer the conversation this way though) and it's only a matter of time before someone gets cold feet , sometimes it's us that will read something that puts us off and we just kinda go cold on that couple for a bit...

 

Sometimes we hit a brick wall with a couple and we have to start the whole process over with someone new and like you say it starts to feel like work.

 

The only thing I can recommend is when you think you have a couple that you click with get a phone call in early, it either makes or breaks the bond but it saves wasting loads of time.

 

We certainly prefer/need a phone call with the girls on the phone to make sure they are real. Optimally a four way phone call or speakerphone or whatever, so everybody's involved. Almost immediately, if that doesn't happen with a couple we end contact. We are in a big city and it is really hard to keep up with whatever people have in mind. I am pretty quick to move on a look to see if there are other couple's, people we might be compatible with. It's just kinda a saleman's philosophy, your better off looking for a new customer than chasing a customer. We feel we are better off looking for another couple than chasing a couple.

 

Interesting that you say a lot of conversation becomes a turn off. I will keep that in mind for future reference. We would certainly like to keep that kind of stuff limited, but next thing you know your pecking away at a cell phone.

 

I have a hard broaching the subject of how much experience the other party has? There's a big difference between a couple that is meeting others every weekend and the couple that has really only talked about it. Both are ok, but it is really helpful when you know who you are talking to and people really get pissed off if you don't phrase it properly as being 'rude', at least they have to us.

[DjRayder 43]

I totally agree with you on this @kikonkrome right now Im chatting with the female of the couple that lives like ten minutes away and this has been for a few months now I never met them but we have as you said flirty conversation. I keep doing the text thing with her see where it leads she looks worth it especially with them being ten minutes away.And it does feel like work at times but Im a patient man.

But I recently made friends with a new couple I met at a regular New Years party that friends of mine had met through kik.I didn't even have to do any work once they heard of my experience (through my big mouthed friend haha still love her though) we exchanged kik handles and we have a future rendezvous set once we have free time.

[BuiltForSin 66]

We no longer use KIK - or rather we only use KIK with people we already know. Too much wasted time and people using words like "adulting."

 

We no longer email or text with people we do not already know (unless it is texting about coordinating a meetup). We do not text/email even after knowing someone unless again it is concerning logistics (ie: "Are you and Karen going Saturday night? Want to go to twin peeks first?").

 

On the three sites we are active (SLS, swingular, and Kasidie though that one seems to be dying) we exchange a message or two but after that it is about coordinating and logistics. We will not meet alone with couples we have not met before unless we know others that know them. Anyone else we encourage to go to the monthly meet and greet or we go to a local dance club once a month and invite them to drop by and say hello.

 

We never send pictures to someone unless we know them and have developed some type of friendship. Our profile has 50 photos and we put a date on them so our appearance should be pretty obvious.

 

We came up with these policies after a long run of last-minute cancellations, guys showing up without a spouse, no-shows, and picture collectors. We realized we were spending more time on small talk and chatting than anything else. We decided to gear our activities to meeting people and planning activities... No "relationship" building online or using the phone. If we had a local swing club we would probably just go there and build contacts that way and never bother with the sites.

[kikonkrome 844]

We came up with these policies after a long run of last-minute cancellations, guys showing up without a spouse, no-shows, and picture collectors. We realized we were spending more time on small talk and chatting than anything else. We decided to gear our activities to meeting people and planning activities... No "relationship" building online or using the phone. If we had a local swing club we would probably just go there and build contacts that way and never bother with the sites.

 

This was pretty much where we were at. I thought I would go back to the online thing and give it another go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say and things change.

 

We actually have a number of swing clubs that are easily wthin and hour to two hour drive and a regualr one that we go to.

 

On a weird story we were kinda somewhat communicating with a couple, met them at the club and they were pretty quiet. Still fun and nice, out of the blue the next day I got a text from them, putting two and two together ( we didn't realize they were the same couple). Anyhow the long story short is online can be a helpful ice breaker.

 

I am really deciding (after getting a bit of the run around but another single lady yet again...ok I'm an idiot). That less is certainly more in regards to the online thing. Give them enough to wet the appetite for a meeting but if not move on.

 

Really interesting you are at the same conclusions we made.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Both my wife and I exchange text messages with people whom we have already established a relationship. Experience has taught us that attempting to establish a relationship using text results in frustration much more frequently than success. We invite prospective contacts to talk on the phone or to meet us at a club.

[kikonkrome 844]

Both my wife and I exchange text messages with people whom we have already established a relationship. Experience has taught us that attempting to establish a relationship using text results in frustration much more frequently than success. We invite prospective contacts to talk on the phone or to meet us at a club.

 

This is just awesome!! What the board is for so very real life and counter intuitive. You would think you would dip your toe in the water text, build a relationship. Instead the opposite appears true. Keep the texts short and sweet, talk in real life or not at all.

 

Thanks Guys!!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I will offer something of a counter example, I guess.

 

I do engage in more extensive texting, even sometimes before meeting. I think we have not has as bad of luck at this as some who are commenting here- not sure why. We understand that having a relationship via texting or chatting is an entirely different thing from having chemistry in person, so we don't build expectations too high based solely on how well a texting conversation is going.

 

One other area of slight disagreement is about the notion of initially contacting a couple, then telling them that if they want to meet us, just show up at such-and-such a club. If we want to meet a couple, we will try to really meet THEM, for dinner or drinks or to talk- not run into them by chance, in a noisy club setting with distractions all around, and with a built-in, known-to-all escape clause in case we don't find each other interesting enough. If someone suggests that to us, we take it as a sign that they're not really interested in meeting us, and perhaps are just using a brush off line that they believe to be polite.

 

When we see a profile of a couple we like, we want to get to know them- and we're willing to invest the time to make that happen. We want to have the focus on them and us. Now, we have had a share of frustrations- cancellations, no-shows, unwelcome surprises, or people we just didn't click with. But we feel,like that's just the cost of doing business, and a price we're willing to pay in order to have the possiblity of meeting great people. Besides, we all gotta eat!

[JandKinBoise 858]

Reading thru the responses on this subject uncovers a pattern. We seem to go into online encounters with high expectations, well, maybe not 'high' but higher than what we should have. Then a system is developed to weed out obvious fakes.

We would look strictly for bi men. In this situation, one must control the flood. Placing an ad, or making public an ad is like opening the gate. I have had to shut down an ad after less than an hour just because it gets so confusing trying to keep everything straight. Now, like everyone, we had a system. We would answer a reply to our ad with a request to meet in person within 2 e-mails. That's plenty. Serious guys will be ready for this and it keeps the BS to a minimum.

Although my wife will text as long as someone is texting her, I don't. I keep a Jurassic phone specifically to avoid it. Maybe I'm a control freak but I need to control the time I put into this, or nothing would get done.

I think a lot of people lurk on the edge of this lifestyle simply to satisfy a need to be wanted.

[Scaredstiff 129]

The need to be wanted is something I hadn't even considered until a few days ago when I saw a profile on the swinger site I use, it read "please don't bother messaging us if you haven't liked our pics! Seriously! How lazy are some people?".

I was just like wow really? Blocked them just in case I get drunk and message them just to take the piss lol

[kikonkrome 844]

I think a lot of people lurk on the edge of this lifestyle simply to satisfy a need to be wanted.

 

I would absolutely agree that there are people who lurk just to chat when they are lonely or to kill an evening or whatever. They say they are interested in meeting but have absolutely no real intention unless a 20k diamond is involved!! You sometimes talk to people online that have been message people for years, and I do mean years and maybe tried to meet one person. I do not really get it myself, but typically when I get this kind of response, it's game over for us time to move on.

[njbm 2,880]

We have people who seem to want to text, IM and email incessantly, but do not want to meet. One has to meet to participate in the lifestyle. I have little interest in or patience for cybersexting. Let's exchange a few niceties and plan to meet!

[BuiltForSin 66]

One other area of slight disagreement is about the notion of initially contacting a couple, then telling them that if they want to meet us, just show up at such-and-such a club. If we want to meet a couple, we will try to really meet THEM, for dinner or drinks or to talk- not run into them by chance, in a noisy club setting with distractions all around, and with a built-in, known-to-all escape clause in case we don't find each other interesting enough. If someone suggests that to us, we take it as a sign that they're not really interested in meeting us, and perhaps are just using a brush off line that they believe to be polite.

 

When we see a profile of a couple we like, we want to get to know them- and we're willing to invest the time to make that happen. We want to have the focus on them and us. Now, we have had a share of frustrations- cancellations, no-shows, unwelcome surprises, or people we just didn't click with. But we feel,like that's just the cost of doing business, and a price we're willing to pay in order to have the possibility of meeting great people. Besides, we all gotta eat!

 

Yes we used to think very similar to this.. After a stretch of six times in a row of having our night wasted we were through with it and took six+ months off - Some decent people will be chased away sure, but so will all the phonies. It's the price we pay to not have our nights thrown away.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We learned that you will find out more in 5 minutes in person than 5 years texting/emailing/whatever. Once we contact or are contacted by another couple, we arrange a meeting (usually just for dinner) just to see if there is any connection there. If there is, then we start thinking about taking things to the next level, if not (or they flake or the wife is obviously not interested, etc), we have saved a lot of time and effort. We then use texting as just a way to keep in contact if we have something planned with them.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We learned that you will find out more in 5 minutes in person than 5 years texting/emailing/whatever. Once we contact or are contacted by another couple, we arrange a meeting (usually just for dinner) just to see if there is any connection there. If there is, then we start thinking about taking things to the next level, if not (or they flake or the wife is obviously not interested, etc), we have saved a lot of time and effort. We then use texting as just a way to keep in contact if we have something planned with them.

 

We concur, with the observation that it usually takes a bit of back and forth to decide if dinner makes sense. Our approach--the "first date" is pure vanilla with no expectations or plans other than to share a meal. Even so, there's typically some level of apprehension. We have been fortunate not to be stood up with any frequency. Still, photos are not always up to date--"what you see is what you get, etc." So meet for a meal works.

 

We tend to notice a few things. Does the couple act like a couple--do they communicate and support each other? Can they hold a conversation on something other than the weather and the LS? How do they treat the waitstaff (a very useful insight in our experience)? Finally, it's a chance for everyone to think privately on whether they can see the foursome naked in the hot tub.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We have avoided more than a few and drama with this strategy. A couple can easily seem completely different in email and texting than they actually are. Texting, especially if allowed between just the man and the other woman, can just be an accident looking for a place to happen so we do our best to avoid this possibility.

[njbm 2,880]

We text man to man to avoid clingy guys annoying my wife. I guess other combinations are possible, but that seems to be the most likely.

[Chitowntexan 17]

We are new to the LS and have been texting for two weeks. They were both active in the texting and then she stopped. He stayed active but went very vanilla. Planning on meeting at NIN until then do we ask "what happened?"

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

How about 'is everything okay'? Maybe something happened with them or to them. Maybe they're not interested anymore and just don't know how to say it. Who knows (well, they do...ask them). This is why we don't recommend spending a bunch of time texting/IM/emailing. Set up an evening for dinner or even just 30 minutes for drinks (if you all connect, it will end up being longer than 30 mins but you won't even know it). This really saves time and also eliminates people who aren't ready/flakes/fakes saving a bunch of time in the end.

[Chitowntexan 17]

Great advise and that was our plan, we are still navigating the LS so thank you.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Don't forget to update this when you can...

[Chitowntexan 17]

So we chatted with them all is good, he has been having to work overtime and was worn out! Lesson here? Communication!