Start swinging with friends of ours?

[just_learning 26]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

 

Me and my wife (Mr & Mrs X) for now have been together for 6 years and during that time our relationship has not opened up to anyone but we do role play and fantasize in bed about other people. These are usually people we know (friends, exes and sometimes just faceless, fictional people). This has been part of our sex life for almost the entire time we have been together. Also for the better part of the past 6 years we have incorporated a couple that I have known for 10 years (Mr & Mrs Y) and my wife has known since we got together. I should also mention that my wife is not as enthusiastic about this fantasy as I am but when I mention Mr. Y to her during foreplay she goes crazy and sometimes even orgasms on the spot. Me and Mrs. X have talked about what would happen if this fantasy ever became a reality and she has agreed to try it out but I feel it's more to fulfill my fantasy even though she is sexually attracted to him. Point is, she is OK with doing it.

 

Over the years Mr. & Mrs. Y (especially Mrs. Y) have dropped subtle hints and joked about swapping wives but we never acted on it or followed up due to fear that we would freak them out. I should mention that these jokes or comments were harmless and anyone with a diverse enough sense of humor might say it. About a month ago Mrs. Y admitted to me (in front of Mr. Y) that she had a vivid sex dream about Mr. Y, her and myself having a threesome. Mr. Y seemed OK with that and was laughing and saying things like "you gotta have an open mind". Later that same night Mrs. Y and me were texting back and fourth and her dream came up. This opened the conversation and I ended up telling her that we have fantasized about them for quite some time. She admitted that she was attracted to me and knew that Mr. Y and Mrs. X also had chemistry. We even started talking about preference of being in the same room or a different room.

 

This whole experience has been crazy and we are still feeling things out and talking to our partners and each other. As much as I want to do this I know from reading about this kind of thing that it's very risky. Does anyone have any suggestions or point me towards a thread that I may have missed in order to better understand how to be as safe as possible in this situation?

 

I should also mention that the 4 of us are not interested in opening up to any other couples. The idea is that we would get together once every few months as we are all very busy and Mrs. X and myself have 2 young children. So this wouldn't be a frequent occurrence.

 

Thanks again and I really appreciate the information I've been able to gather thus far from this community!

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Swinging with friends has come up here more than a few times (search is your friend here). Short answer is are you willing to lose them as friends if things don't go just right? Also, if things do go south, they might tell everyone else you both know what went on. IS this a risk you are willing to take? Personally, we feel that it is easier and safer to find new friends that are swingers than to take old friends and try to make them swingers. However, there are more than a few people here that will disagree and have stories of successful swinging with friends. Bottom line is it is up to you. Is the potential risk worth the reward? If so, good luck and go for it. Let us know what you decide and how things go...

[just_learning 26]

Thank you for your response. I did try a few different searches but didn't find much in the way of advice from people who have done this successfully. I do understand the risk and really appreciate your response.

[Alura 2,773]

from Oklahoma, Mr. & Mrs. X! Thanks for a great question that must be on many folk's minds!

 

You two sound a lot like my late wife and myself. For the sake of safety, we found our playmates among our friends. Your question strikes home to me.

 

When we faced a similar situation, Mrs. Alura would ask, "How do y'all feel about swapping spouses and making out for a while?"

 

Y'all can learn a lot about another couple from kissing them, not to mention advance your project. If Mr.Playmate's hands started to fondle (they usually did), Laura would raise her elbow, to make room for his hand, using her own behind his head to pull their lips closer, offering him a taste of her tongue. Mrs. Playmate and I didn't just sit there. Often, the evening was underway!

 

Your wife should ask because women are considered to be less sexually threatening.

[just_learning 26]

I totally see where you are going here. Start out small and work your way up but ONLY if something like making out, cuddling or petting has a good vibe. The idea of having Mrs. X be the one to bring it up is a great idea. To be honest, Mrs. Y is a pretty good communicator as well and can be the one to ignite the fire. Thanks so much for the input Alura, huge help!

[Guest luvin eye full]

Hey just_learning

 

Well I agree with both points of view here, there is a good chance it will go ok But if it does not what then?

 

You say that you have started talking about it with them (texts) so maybe the next time it comes up just say ok you guys set the time and leave it at that. If they come back with one great, if they say oh we were only joking - you could say yeah we were too but wanted to call your bluff (well something alone those lines).

 

The only time I ever did anything with a friend and his girl was years ago in a MFM and it went well - but they as a couple ask me into their 3some so it's a bit different, otherwise it's folks we meet, not friends, for the very reason we like our friends and don't want to take the chance of losing them over sex.

 

Regards

[just_learning 26]

I 100% see where you're coming from and based on your question of "what then?" I wish I had an answer. Do you have any suggestions as to what could be done as far as damage control? I thought that Alura's idea of taking things one small step at a time is a good way of seeing what we are/aren't comfortable with and avoiding a collapse. Instead if something small bothers one of us, maybe it's less of a risk that it will cause irreversible damage to the friendship?

 

The conversation we had over text was candid and we both let our opinions and feelings on the situation be known so I don't think they were joking but of course you never know until you pull the trigger. I also don't want to rush because we all have some things we want off of our list of things to do so we can go into this a little more relaxed. This whole thing is just a bit overwhelming because none of us are into this lifestyle nor do we want to be with anyone else. We have developed a very open friendship over the years and intimate feelings have developed and this goes without question.

 

Thank you so much for your input!

[Guest luvin eye full]

I 100% see where you're coming from and based on your question of "what then?" I wish I had an answer. Do you have any suggestions as to what could be done as far as damage control? I thought that Alura's idea of taking things one small step at a time is a good way of seeing what we are/aren't comfortable with and avoiding a collapse. Instead if something small bothers one of us, maybe it's less of a risk that it will cause irreversible damage to the friendship?

 

The conversation we had over text was candid and we both let our opinions and feelings on the situation be known so I don't think they were joking but of course you never know until you pull the trigger. I also don't want to rush because we all have some things we want off of our list of things to do so we can go into this a little more relaxed. This whole thing is just a bit overwhelming because none of us are into this lifestyle nor do we want to be with anyone else. We have developed a very open friendship over the years and intimate feelings have developed and this goes without question.

 

Thank you so much for your input!

 

Hey Just Learning

 

If you are going to see how it pans out with your friends then I would take Alura's advice, because of the experience Alura has in this setting. My only advice is that you have some type of way to communicate that one of you is not happy about some thing (If or When you do take this further).

 

Have a look around on this site as well - you will find that the communication between you and your wife will be the most important thing to get going - it will help with any bumps in the road - I can not stress this point enough, the whole world could fall down but if you and your wife are on the same page or can talk anything though - your problems will be greatly reduced.

 

 

Regards.

[Alura 2,773]

Your friends are not kidding, Just Learning. This is not a subject a married couple "jokes" about. We swapped with a couple who had been married in high school because she was pregnant. Neither had ever had another sex partner. In fact, I don't think they'd ever kissed anyone else. But they had talked a lot about it with each other and wanted to very much.

 

The two couples had been friends for a few months. We had read some "hints" and body language was sexy. Mrs. Alura and I had decided they looked delicious and we'd like to eat them. After a dinner date with them, Laura asked if they'd like to share a bottle of wine at our place. We had no kids at the time. After chatting about life, childhood and what we were going to do about the guy in the White House, at length, Laura asked "THE QUESTION."

 

"How do y'all feel about spouse swapping?"

 

That's when we learned what I told you in the first paragraph. During the conversation Laura told them we thought they were very attractive and suggested swapping kisses as a preliminary test. They enthusiastically agreed. After some time kissing, as Linda was sucking my tongue and I was unbuttoning her blouse (with her help), I open one eye to see Laura with a mouthful of Ronnie. After that the night got kind of hazy.

 

We swapped with them for years.

 

By the way, If anybody, at any time, gets upset, stop immediately and talk it out at length. If the issue can't be solved, don't ask again.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

You've gotten some great advice here, from both sides of the issue, which really goes to demonstrate how this can work really well or can be a huge disaster. I will disagree with you on one point, when you said "because none of us are into this lifestyle" I very much doubt that is the case. I think it very likely Mr. and Mrs. Y have experience, they are just being coy about it at this point. Why? They are maintaining deniability and leaving a path for a graceful retreat if need be, much like the scenario luvin eye full laid out for you on what you could say.

 

The other possibility, and this is where it gets tricky, is maybe they don't have experience but know some people who do. We have a friend who when she first starting coming around just pegged my swingdar...it seems like every gathering, before the night was over, swinging would be mentioned at least in passing, and there was enough of the right lingo involved in those mentions that you knew she wasn't just repeating suburban legend either. But, eventually it came out that she had a good friend who was a swinger and was out about it, so that explained that. The more we've gotten to know her, the more I'm sure now that she (and he) would absolutely flip out if you hit on them in anything other than just an obviously joking way. I tell that story just to illustrate the need to tread carefully here and don't make too many assumptions. There's a lot of people that'll talk a good game, and have fun doing it, but when it's time for the clothes to hit the floor, then they're out.

[just_learning 26]

Alura I think you have given me the best possible strategy to not only give this a chance at being a great long-term relationship but to also be mature and sensitive to everyone's needs and feelings. And I really believe you when you say this situation hit home for you because the things you're saying almost seem like you're reading my mind! Can't thank you enough for all the help!

 

Did you ever encounter any challenges? Anything in particular that seems to bother people or catch them off guard?

[just_learning 26]

Wow cplnuswing!!! I never thought of that. Thinking back maybe they were sending out signals to feel us out without knowing that they were the subject of our fantasies for years? I can't say that it's not possible and it's making me think of this whole thing a bit differently. I have to say that the story Alura told about the couple who had only been with each other kind of rings true with them, Here is a bit more background info:

 

They have also been dating since high school and Mrs. Y is the only woman he has been with. Mrs. Y was rather frisky before meeting Mr. Y but that didn't last long after they started dating. She told me how she liked making out with other girls, giving lap dances and just being a bit wild. He was actually the one who wasn't in favour of this behaviour. I guess her experience may have intimidated him? Maybe now he is curious to see what's out there and she wants to let loose a bit again?

 

Mrs. Y certainly seems to be composed and able to talk about this subject in a very mature fashion. I know it was just texting and all but she seemed to be pretty in control. At one point during the conversation the back and forth went something like this. Please keep in mind that I am paraphrasing here:

--

Me: Mrs X knows I'm very attracted to you and it has never bothered her

 

Mrs Y: Well she knows that nothing would ever happen

 

Mrs Y: Without everyone's consent

--

 

I guess I'm just thinking out loud now but your theory does seem to have some merit, cplnuswing.

 

Now as for your other point about "treading carefully". Do you really think Mrs. Y would have such an open conversation even including questions about swapping in the same room or a different room if they were nothing but talk? If I had no interest in doing this with someone I would put an end to the possibility of it becoming a reality. But I guess I'm also not the type to tease.

 

Lot's to think about!!

[just_learning 26]

Luvin eye full I certainly agree with you! - me and my wife have been talking about this for 4 years and are on the same page. As for Mr and Mrs Y I am confident that they are able to communicate what they are/aren't comfortable with. Thanks to the great advice from everyone, I'll make sure that every point is discussed by all of us in detail.

[Guest luvin eye full]

Luvin eye full I certainly agree with you! - me and my wife have been talking about this for 4 years and are on the same page. As for Mr and Mrs Y I am confident that they are able to communicate what they are/aren't comfortable with. Thanks to the great advice from everyone, I'll make sure that every point is discussed by all of us in detail.

 

That's great - so we shall see how this pans out hey - good luck to all of you!

[Alura 2,773]

Alura I think you have given me the best possible strategy to not only give this a chance at being a great long-term relationship but to also be mature and sensitive to everyone's needs and feelings. And I really believe you when you say this situation hit home for you because the things you're saying almost seem like you're reading my mind! Can't thank you enough for all the help!

 

Thanks for the nice words, Learning. I enjoy questions one can lend a mind to.

 

Did you ever encounter any challenges? Anything in particular that seems to bother people or catch them off guard?

 

I was blessed with a wife who had studied body language as a part of her degrees (Psychology and Communication). Her ability to assess people was uncanny. That said, she choose poorly once.

 

We were in Amarillo on business and had met a couple at the hotel swimming pool. We got on quite well and went out to dinner. The conversation was going great when Laura, asked the Question: "How do y'all feel about swinging?" Mrs. (non)-playmate didn't say another word all evening. She was not happy during the drive back to the hotel. Her husband continued to be friendly, but never answered the question. Of course, we never saw them again, so, from our viewpoint, no harm was done.

 

My guess is that your friends are intrigued but are worried about the same things you are. "Will asking ruin the friendship?" "Will they think less of us?" "Will they be offended?" and on and on.

 

Laura and I promised each other that we would never become angry because a question was asked and that we'd answer it. "I don't wanna talk about it!" was never okay. We extended that same consideration to our friends and, eventually, our sons. It worked for Laura and myself for twenty-seven happy years, and is still working with my sons.

 

EDIT: Please read the free sample of our book (below). It will give you more details of our philosophy.

[oc1234 435]

What Alura is saying is what worked for my wife and me in the mid 80s. We had known a couple for several years and we did a lot of flirting with them, which led to making out and eventually a full swap with them. It is amazing how much greater it made our friendship. That couple eventually divorced but we are still close friends with both of them and still play with him.

[just_learning 26]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL OF THE AMAZING ADVICE AND FEEDBACK!

 

Everything you guys have told me has made me feel more confident and aware of the situation I am currently in. I have no idea if/when something will happen I promise to come back and provide an update!