Looking for input

[Ebonylehigh 254]

I am going to try and summarize the last year+ as short as possible.

 

We essentially start swinging because hubby developed huge self-confidence issues and ED from our time through infertility. We are having sex way too little for me and I complain, he also then has a long commute job and I am at home with the new baby. It gets worse, I complain more. He suggests swinging; I balk but then research, winding here years ago and find comfort from the information and experiences to proceed.

 

We have a rocky start; he’s not able to get up for the first few partners. He gets more comfortable after some time and we get into a nice stride meeting some great people and making wonderful partners. We are probably at our highest right before we head off to our first trip ever the Dec 2015 swingers cruise. We meet an interesting young couple we connect with immediately and play twice with them in the week before we sail as well with a few other couples that week (we were busy lol)

 

As I posted elsewhere my hubby has a heart attack the first night on the ship and is airlifted off. We get back from that and say we will break from swinging, focus on both of our health and work the sex between us which had dwindled to little of anything because we became so busy sleeping with our play partners. Our new friends who we met before we left are very concerned about us and so helpful during the whole heart attack when we are back they want to see us and we do. Fast forward we are exclusively seeing them and its past just sex, we do family outings with our kids together, go on separate dates with the opposite spouses, take turns with my son and I going to stay for a weekend at their house and then her and her two coming to stay with us a different weekend.

 

This had to start happening because my hubby began to hate her hubby. Her hubby was not very kind; he was not emotionally supportive at all to either of us. The nearly a year I spent with him killed my confidence immensely. His personality is exactly the reason she became head over heels for my hubby who gave her all those things, compliments, support and kindness. He also made her cum and squirt two things she hadn't experienced with her hubby the decade they have been married.

 

Around Feb. 2016 is when she admits she loves my hubby. I am surprisingly myself ok with it and explain as long as she keeps her husband primary and my hubby keeps me the same I am cool with this. Her hubby says he is fine with it also but is really not. Throughout the whole relationship he does and says things to show he is not happy and feels she is getting so much more from being with us. He had told me he wasn’t into "dark skin girls" and other negative things but he was always up to play and enjoyed multiple cums each time. He had no trouble getting up for me ever, though I wasn’t his type. Then I wanted this to work so bad so I start kicking up the kindness, I start making him dairy free treats (he has a dairy allergy), being supportive and considerate, before I was just enjoying the amazing sex with was worth putting up with such a complete jerk. (My birthday he made me cum 38 times) which is when I was like ok I have to make him see this is a mutually benefiting situation to all.

 

Anyway during this time we were seeing them every weekend, and we each stopped having sex with our spouses and waited for our (boyfriend/girlfriend) instead which we all preferred. Yes at this point I know we are in a bad situation that is not helping any of us. We became each other’s band aids and that went on until around July where apparently her husband just couldn’t take her being so happy because of someone else anymore and after leaving our house one weekend he says they should divorce. She freaks out and then calls us saying we are going to see each other next weekend but after that they will take a break from us. Apparently I find out from my hubby this comes after they just discussed that they could never stop seeing each other (which came up because of my contentious relationship with her hubby) so he is heartbroken and then angry we cancel seeing them that weekend and tell them that was a messed up move to decide that without discussing with us though we are supposed to be in a relationship. They apologize and say that we can all work through our issues together and not stop seeing each other. Hubby is mad and it kind of breaks him out of his fog.

 

He was never comfortable with the situation and took me constantly reassuring and telling him to just enjoy his feelings for him to finally let go and feel something for her. So he is like this is bad and we need out. I don’t want that, I am in love with the polyamory idea and the whole loving quad thing. I refuse and head down the following week to be with them. My hubby furious sends her texts talking about how he loves her and finally feels he is with someone who gets him and other things that really hurt me. I was always ok with him loving her but he said something along the lines of losing feelings for me. We talk separation. When I get back home we both calm down but realize this is a big problem, he still goes to be with her that next weekend.

 

After he comes back he is sure that we have to stop seeing them. He is now having sexual issues with her too, the same as with me. He cannot get up. She went from being able to make him cum twice (mind you in the 2 years we were in the lifestyle 3 women made him cum only with hand jobs) she was able to do that orally and every time she saw him, he didn’t even cum every time with me. I was honestly impressed. Anyway at this point it’s not working, I don’t want to give this up still. We see them again in September which is the last time I saw her hubby and I tell her to see him again alone while I’m working and he’s off for Columbus day, that was the last time they saw each other. It was another failure.

 

My hubby started Therapy this month to try work through his sexual issues; he goes down on me frequently but has only been able to have penetrative sex a few times. We are not swinging, and I am over not having sex I feel undesirable and at the end of my rope. Sex has always been a huge deal to me from when he first met me so going without is not tolerable. I finally tell him I want to find a single male play partner, which is something he has been adamantly against the entire time swinging. He said ok but I know he doesn’t want that at all but I am beyond the point that I care, he completely shut his body down to me so what am I supposed to do. He felt like I should just wait out the therapy to July and I can’t do that.

I do feel bad knowing I’m about to do something he really doesn’t want me to but what options do I have left?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

You two have certainly been through a lot in the past years!

 

Firstly, it sounds to me like the couple with whom you had the poly relationship were just not good for the two of you, based mainly on the other guy's poor relationship with both of you. If I'm reading you right, that guy was good with you sexually, but not in other ways. You should never feel like you have to put up with a disrespectful, or even degrading, person just to get good sex. And the fact that he and your hubby do not get along is just another reason to leave the couple behind. There are other ways to have poly relationships that do not require two couples to all have mutual affection for each other (e.g., you have a boyfriend, and hubby has a girlfriend).

 

I'm not quite clear on why, if your hubby is OK with you having a loving relationship with the guy of this other couple, he is not OK with you having what seems to me to be a less-threatening, simple friends-with-benefits, swinging friendship with a single guy. One would think that, if he were threatened by another guy for whom you have feelings, he would be more threatened by a poly partner than a playmate. Perhaps this means that things are not as simple as I'm assuming, and there is more going on in his head that is coloring his thinking about this.

 

I fear that you two are in trouble as a couple. Perhaps this is a good time to pull back from others, turn to each other, and do the hard work of really understanding each other's thoughts and feelings, so you can see whether your marriage can be saved. If that works out well, then maybe you can consider bringing others back into your relationship, having built a solid foundation in your own relationship.

 

I wish you two all kinds of luck. You know the Mrs and I are pulling for you!

[Ebonylehigh 254]

You two have certainly been through a lot in the past years!

 

Firstly, it sounds to me like the couple with whom you had the poly relationship were just not good for the two of you, based mainly on the other guy's poor relationship with both of you. If I'm reading you right, that guy was good with you sexually, but not in other ways. You should never feel like you have to put up with a disrespectful, or even degrading, person just to get good sex. And the fact that he and your hubby do not get along is just another reason to leave the couple behind. There are other ways to have poly relationships that do not require two couples to all have mutual affection for each other (e.g., you have a boyfriend, and hubby has a girlfriend).

 

I'm not quite clear on why, if your hubby is OK with you having a loving relationship with the guy of this other couple, he is not OK with you having what seems to me to be a less-threatening, simple friends-with-benefits, swinging friendship with a single guy. One would think that, if he were threatened by another guy for whom you have feelings, he would be more threatened by a poly partner than a playmate. Perhaps this means that things are not as simple as I'm assuming, and there is more going on in his head that is coloring his thinking about this.

 

I fear that you two are in trouble as a couple. Perhaps this is a good time to pull back from others, turn to each other, and do the hard work of really understanding each other's thoughts and feelings, so you can see whether your marriage can be saved. If that works out well, then maybe you can consider bringing others back into your relationship, having built a solid foundation in your own relationship.

 

I wish you two all kinds of luck. You know the Mrs and I are pulling for you!

 

Thanks you two I really appreciate the positive vibes. So more info to better understand:

 

He did a total sexual shutdown with me after I admitted to catching feelings for the other hubby. I think he was initially OK with the situation because he thought that would not happen with him being such a jerk. I felt more after that amazing night of his complete selflessness on my birthday which was in April.

 

My hubby and I are solid in the fact no other person is a better mate for us, we will stay together through whatever happens next, he is my best friend and the only person I can never tire of his company. We still laugh and joke about everything (including the current situation) and discuss our feelings very openly. His sexual pull away started with a previous couple where the male half and I really connected and started to communicate a lot via text, he was uncomfortable with that and grew upset with our interactions. We eventually stopped seeing this couple for other reasons though.

 

I also suggested separate partners but that is something else he is adamantly against. I even offered that I would wait to find a partner until after we found one for him first. That was a no as well. He is not into poly and thinks it is not what we should be doing at all. So if I started with single males if any feelings developed I know I would have to stop seeing that person.

 

I also don't want to bash that couple because honestly I still love them both, we were their first swing couple and I feel bad that I am sure we have put them off of swinging. They felt like no one else would be as good a match or would tolerate the male half as we did. They are not seeing anybody and have pretty much gone back to their coping mechanisms to continue their relationship. We are unfortunately unable to do that since we never had this complete shutdown situation before. Nor do we have any of the other non sexual issues they have. I have stopped contact with them for now because I need to get in control of my feelings of jealousy that they are back to business as usual and our bedroom is completely broken.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm sorry you all have to be going through this, life can be tough sometimes, and emotions and feelings can't just be turned off or managed at will no matter how hard the more coldly logical part of your mind tries to tell you to, or someone else tries to tell you that is what you need to do.

 

I'm think I would take the approach of looking at this outside of any swinging/poly component. Non-swingers would probably say "see, if you weren't swinging, none of this would have happened!" I think nothing could be further from the truth...the same underlying issues would be there no matter what. The swinging gave them an outlet to come bubbling up, but if that path wasn't there, it would have been something else eventually. One can only keep issues like that buried and suppressed for so long; eventually, they will find their way out no matter what.

 

I think the best thing to do is for you and hubby to take that stay together through thick and thin and use it to go through what will likely be a very painful process of really identify what issues are paramount. Don't try to fix everything at once. Pick the top one or two that are really getting in your way, and work on those, and you'll probably find that anything else starts to fix itself once you get a handle on those. In the interim, what you are going to have to do is find a way that you could both get what you want/need. To do that may take some compromise and maybe just living with some things you don't like on both sides.

 

Your sexuality is important to you, and you feel like it is being taken away. He is going to have to figure out a way to give that back to you, even at least in the short term while he works on his issues, that means some things he may not really like (new friend with benefits). You are going to have to accept the limits he is willing to go even if you may want more and feel a keen sense of loss over what you had there for a while. Both of those things are sort of a pressure relief to keep the pressure from building to the exploding point where everything will be lost while you work on fixing the overall problem and getting everything back where it should be where you both can feel happy, content, and complete, both as a couple and as individuals.

[PeterJ 960]

I fear that you two are in trouble as a couple. Perhaps this is a good time to pull back from others, turn to each other, and do the hard work of really understanding each other's thoughts and feelings, so you can see whether your marriage can be saved. If that works out well, then maybe you can consider bringing others back into your relationship, having built a solid foundation in your own relationship.

 

Wise counsel, CnMD. Ebonylehigh, I concur with CnMD; you would be well advised to put your whole focus on repairing the damage to your marriage. Perhaps you can find a lifestyle-friendly family/couples therapist who can help you work through this matter. Best wishes for a good outcome for you and your husband, both as a couple and as individuals.

[njbm 2,904]

As a couple that know and like both of you, please take a break from swinging, get counseling from someone who understands the lifestyle and work on repairing your marriage. It's worth it! You are a great couple who obviously care about each other. You are both young, healthy and attractive. Find the beauty in each other, don't time, count or measure things and have fun with each other. Maybe stay overnight in a hotel in NYC or Philly and enjoy each other's company. You know that we are rooting for your success.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

Best wishes on working through your challenges. Simply from a medical perspective, a couple of things may be part of the total picture.

 

First, some of the medications commonly prescribed after heart surgery can wreak havoc with both libido and erections. Each medication/combination affects different people differently. Physicians are used to hearing this particular issue and working through it.

 

Second, there may well be some residual mental health overlay following a life-threatening event (a heart attack) requiring airlift from a swinger cruise.

 

The advice you have already received is important and correct--focus on each other and seek counseling. Still, your husband--who you clearly care about and love very deeply--may be struggling with issues that can be helped by just-for-him therapy.

 

To the extent that he is shutting you out, it's worth reflecting that it feels 'right' from whatever frame he is in. Often people choose to suffer one pain in order to avoid something that is more deeply painful or frightening. Self-imposed isolation often signals a deep sense of vulnerability. Men especially fear vulnerability. (Such vulnerability is the basis of the old joke about men being reluctant to admit they are lost and then stopping to ask for directions. )

 

Again, all the best.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Thank you everyone for your replies! Wow it totally didn't hit me that his meds could be screwing with his erections too. I knew it was mental stuff still happening but we have been dealing with that for years since our son was born 5 years ago. I really don't feel like our marriage is broken, our sex is, but we have a very strong bond that survived a lot already. A lot of couples do not make it through infertility.

 

I agree that we have to compromise, I found polyamory beautiful and so fulfilling. But it is clearly out of his comfort zone. He will have to allow me the ability to play, be it at a party or with a fwb. I can't go without this need.

 

Just posting about this has made me feel better. I know we will get through this like we have done everything else.

 

I also want to make clear we both know swinging did not get us here nor the couple we were in our relationship with. Swinging has always been fun and in our 3 years of it we have made many friends we still know today have had so many play experiences that had us come back to each other with furious passion. Just the combo of the heart attack, the failure of our first trip, meeting a couple that gave each of us what we felt we were missing at the time, has now forced us to face this problem that was long brewing before we met our first play partners.

[kikonkrome 844]

Our best wishes for you and your family Ebonylehigh.

 

I think you should see a therapist. I would say the warning sign is keeping a relationship going with a man that is disrespectful/hurtful. I would get into the details, but it's a pretty big red flag.

 

Also the love of your life has had a major medical issue, you are lucky he's alive. However you need to deal with that emotionally and mentally. There are serious repercussions from this.

 

I think a therapist for yourself would help reconcile these issues for yourself.

 

Kiko and I send you our best thoughts.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I finally tell him I want to find a single male play partner, which is something he has been adamantly against the entire time swinging. He said ok but I know he doesn’t want that at all but I am beyond the point that I care, he completely shut his body down to me so what am I supposed to do. He felt like I should just wait out the therapy to July and I can’t do that.

 

No, no, no. This is the time, more than ever, that he needs to know that you are going to stand by his side. If one of you have a problem, then BOTH of you have that problem. He need to know that you are going to be there for him no matter what. Work with the Dr's about his current meds to make sure that they aren't causing any problems then work on making him the center of everything again. It's a team sport, support your team.

 

Just posting about this has made me feel better. I know we will get through this like we have done everything else.

 

We are here for you and everyone on this board is pulling for the two of you. When you need someone to talk to, we are all here. We also wish you both the best of luck. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.