Can you really find a friendship with another couple and have benefits with them??

[Miishon 20]

I read a lot of profiles and it looks like most couples are looking for friendship with benefits. Can that really happen? I would like to think so but all my friends are vanilla. We have been out to dinner, shows and even on vacation with them. Just thinking about having the same type of relationship with a couple and have the benefits is mind-blowing.

 

Did anyone out there ever find that type of friendship? And if so, how long has it lasted?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Sure you can! I tend to think that this happens all the time among lifestyle couples. I can honestly say that our closest friends are lifestyle friends. We feel closer, more relaxed, and more open with our lifestyle friends than our vanilla friends.

 

We have been in the lifestyle for about two and a half years. And a few lifestyle friendships have lasted for most of that time!

[oc1234 435]

That's what my wife and I did with a couple in the mid 1980s. They eventually divorced but we have remained friends with both of them. We still play with the guy, Bill, and have gone from friends with benefits to a polyamorous relationship with him. It works great for us. Unfortunately he is out of commission due to a fall on the ice a few weeks ago. He's recovering from a banged up wrist and arm. We can tell he is getting much better. Yesterday my wife stopped over at his house to deliver a video cable and she ended up giving him an unplanned blowjob. The nice thing about our poly relationship is that the two of them know they are totally free to play without telling me first. Spontaneous sex is the best kind.

[Guest]

We met 3 couples. Had watched them in the pool and around for a couple of days. We just couldn’t figure out which males with with which females. We go to know them. Yes, individual couples were married, with children, they had all met at the PTA but had been playing together for the past several years. It was all very open. We had a male friend, a former friend of mine, who we brought into swinging with us and it was all pretty open between the three of us for 4 years, then he had to relocated to another part of the country. We still visit and play during vacations.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We have been seeing the same couple for well over three years...joint vacations, movies, dinners, boating, just visiting. Sometimes we play, sometimes we don't. Yes, it's awesome!

[njbm 2,881]

We have several couples with whom we are lifestyle friends with benefits. I will point out that all of these friendships started out as lifestyle friendships. We never converted any vanilla friends, nor would we likely try to do so. They seem like deeper, warmer friendships because of what we have shared and the honesty of the relationships.

[padoc 1,703]

We remain friends with the first couple with whom we swapped 12 years ago. In March, we're attending the wedding of a couple we've played with and been friends with for more than three years through some very bad health issues for one of them. It IS possible to form FWB long term relationships but its not something we seek. Many couples are really kind of bump and run but if you look at this hobby as something you do for fun, any lasting friendships that develop are a bonus. Couples do (pardon me) cum and go. As we've matured in this hobby, particularly at the clubs, we notice that people drift away. Some tire of the clubs or the hard work involved in the selection process on line, some have relationships that can't support swinging, some get sick, some get old and some just quit. Consequently finding long term swinger friends is more the exception than the rule.

[Miishon 20]

Thanks for all the feedback!! Here is another question, we have a vanilla couple that we would love to play with. We have known them for over 20 years and have been together for everything from watching our kids grow up to being at weddings ect... So we cherish their friendship and would not want to jeopardize that but how would you bring up we would like to play. They don't know we are in to lifestyle...yet.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Do you have some reason to think that they are in the lifestyle? If you characterize them as a vanilla couple, then it sounds like you believe they are not in the lifestyle.

 

So, opinions vary among the folks here on this question. But my feeling is that you should NOT try to play with them at all. You have a long and valued friendship with them, and sex can have a way of changing a relationship. Sometimes, the change is not for the better. Imagine what might happen if you discovered that you were not sexually compatible with one or both of this other couple- mightn't things become awkward among you then? Or what if they are offended by the thought of swinging? Or one of them develops feelings beyond simple friendship for one of you? There are many ways that this could go wrong- it's up to you to decide whether you wish to risk your long friendship on things going right.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I think if you are good friends with this vanilla couple then you should respect their relationship and not pursue them, that would be putting temptation in front of them , if one is interested and not the other you would be giving them problems to deal with, not really what friends should do.

 

However if your curious about their thoughts you could just find a way of letting them know your in the lifestyle and then just leave it at that, no invitations to play or anything , then it's left to them to ask you more or express any kind of interest, you could still damage your friendship though , both of them might recoil at the thought of swinging or they may even feel like they don't know you guys as well as they thought they did.

 

I was talking to a couple on Saturday that had been swinging with the same couple for years, they all became best of friends, holidays together, kids birthdays etc, they said they stopped swinging with them and focused purely on the friendship because good friends can be harder to find than good swinging couples.

[JandKinBoise 858]

My first thought on this subject, and it came up a couple times in the thread, is the possible emotional entanglement that can happen. Close friends taking their friendship to this level can be beautiful and can be catastrophic. REALLY think this thru before approaching them.

The advise to casually let them know you are in the LS is great. Then the ball is in their court and you don't have to do anything.

If it is going to happen, first sit and talk about falling in love. "Oh that won't happen" will be the first reaction. Don't let it stop there.

[bonemeal 34]

Yes, As a testament I can say, even years after my wife and I stopped swinging together we still have two couples we've stayed in touch with as friends only and get together from time to time for just friendly family type company. We love these people even though we don't have sex with them anymore.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Some people have had success with 'converting' vanilla friends to the swing side, but since you asked, we do not think it is a good idea. What you must think about is are you willing to lose them as friends? That is what could happen when you approach them. They may also tell everyone that you both know. Even if you do get together, the same things could happen if their relationship hits a bump (or crashes). You could be 'outted' to the entire neighborhood. Its just not worth the risk to us. Doesn't make it less fun to imagine them naked, but it's just easier to find new friends to get naked with.

[DjRayder 43]

Yes you can absolutely. Being in the alternative lifestyle BDSM/Swinging I made some really good friends on both sides of the fence.

[Miishon 20]

Do you have some reason to think that they are in the lifestyle? If you characterize them as a vanilla couple, then it sounds like you believe they are not in the lifestyle.

 

So, opinions vary among the folks here on this question. But my feeling is that you should NOT try to play with them at all. You have a long and valued friendship with them, and sex can have a way of changing a relationship. Sometimes, the change is not for the better. Imagine what might happen if you discovered that you were not sexually compatible with one or both of this other couple- mightn't things become awkward among you then? Or what if they are offended by the thought of swinging? Or one of them develops feelings beyond simple friendship for one of you? There are many ways that this could go wrong- it's up to you to decide whether you wish to risk your long friendship on things going right.

 

This is a great post!! You are right the friendship comes first. We will just have to let it go with this couple and hope to find a couple that will be FWB. Reading all the wonderful comments here I realize that it can and does happen. Again thanks to everyone who responded.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

My wife and I maintain some very sincere and rewarding friendships with other lifestyle couples. The prospective process and requirement the we see expressed so frequently at online profiles, "friendship first", does not work very well. We start with sex. And if that works well, friendship often develops.

 

I would not be able to lend advice on whether or not you should pop the question to your "vanilla" friends. Knowing so little about them, there would be no way to judge your situation. But if it in your mind to pursue it, start with seemingly innocent questions like "have you heard of swingers?" or "what do you think of people who swing?" That might help you to decide a next step.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Step 1 - you're attracted to another couple or single, you play

 

Step 2 - if it was good, you play again. (and perhaps again and again.)

 

Step 3 - Eventually, maybe, feelings develop between all of you and now you are 'friends with benefits.'

 

It's happened to us. We had plenty of people that we played with either once or multiple times. One of those relationships morphed into a true friendship, where we would go over to their house just for dinner, or we'd go to movies. Sometimes without sex, often with. We even travelled together, even to Europe.

 

It can happen. But just think, how many vanilla relationships do you have, and how many are true friends? Same/same.

[findinganswers 369]

Some people have had success with 'converting' vanilla friends to the swing side, but since you asked, we do not think it is a good idea. What you must think about is are you willing to lose them as friends? That is what could happen when you approach them. They may also tell everyone that you both know. Even if you do get together, the same things could happen if their relationship hits a bump (or crashes). You could be 'outted' to the entire neighborhood. Its just not worth the risk to us. Doesn't make it less fun to imagine them naked, but it's just easier to find new friends to get naked with.

 

We were "converted" by our friends. We were the vanilla couple, thought they were too. I found out my wife knew they weren't that vanilla and converting her and getting her to convince me, turned out great. I had plenty on this board tell me not to do it, that we might lose our friends. It turned out great. They are still our close friends and they have introduced us to some great people. We have even met other vanilla friends who weren't vanilla.

[PandO 103]

I was wondering the same thing. I think it's pretty obvious that they would have to be the friends "in the lifestyle" otherwise I don't know how the hell it could happen.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I was wondering the same thing. I think it's pretty obvious that they would have to be the friends "in the lifestyle" otherwise I don't know how the hell it could happen.

Hi, guys!! Long time no post!

[oc1234 435]

We were also converted by close friends. Of course we were all nudists and very comfortable with being nude around then. We did a lot of friendly flirting and playing around, which finally resulted in us having sex with them. It was a great way to get started.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

It's all about the risk/reward involved. As I said, it has worked for some and not worked for others. We would rather just not take that chance. Your results may vary...

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Great, good, sex starts with great, good, friendships.