Too much potential drama? Would you tell?

[mphil17 35]

We play with a couple fairly regularly. They are great in bed and we enjoy their company outside the bedroom also. However, the husband of the couple cheats on his wife. She found out a few years ago and they stopped swinging for 1+ year. When the marriage was fixed back up they were back in the scene. He is cheating again, and she has no idea. It is not a hall pass situation, and a few in our swing group know, but none of us has told her or know what to do about it.

 

Would you keep playing with a couple if you knew one actively cheated? If you considered them good friends would you tell the wife? Is it too much possible drama and would you wash your hands of all of it?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I don't think I would tell. But if they were our good friends, I would take the guy aside and urge him to be a stand up guy and tell his wife. And if I was also good friends with the person he's cheating with, I would do the same with that person. If nobody agreed to do the honorable thing, I would end my association with them.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I don't think I would tell. But if they were our good friends, I would take the guy aside and urge him to be a stand up guy and tell his wife. And if I was also good friends with the person he's cheating with, I would do the same with that person. If nobody agreed to do the honorable thing, I would end my association with them.

 

Exactly this, word for word.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

The only situation that would make us 'tell' on somebody is if we learned that they were infectious with some dread disease like Ebola.

[BuiltForSin 66]

I would not say anything to her - the messenger tends to become the target of the anger. You are kind of caught in the middle: when she eventually figures it out and then finds out you knew all along it will create some hurt feelings.. I would absolutely stop playing with them and let him know exactly why.

[kikonkrome 844]

Hey she knows who she is married to. She might like to pretend not know, which I think is more than likely the case.

 

I would just avoid them. We avoid weird. We wouldn't tell them and we wouldn't play with them.

[mphil17 35]

I don't think I would tell. But if they were our good friends, I would take the guy aside and urge him to be a stand up guy and tell his wife. And if I was also good friends with the person he's cheating with, I would do the same with that person. If nobody agreed to do the honorable thing, I would end my association with them.

 

I like this idea. I feel bad for her, though. He fell for a playmate, (also in our group) and he is waiting until his kids graduate, then he plans to divorce her. I suppose it is good he is waiting to have the least amount of change for the kids.

 

I think we can avoid them without leaving our friends group. Who am I to judge a person that finds love with a friend on the lifestyle, most of us have seen it at least once. We each have our own journey in the path of swinging and non-monogamy, I don't think it is weird or wrong for people to find new love or truer love.

 

To each their own!

[adamgunn 1,460]

Put yourself in the woman's shoes. If your husband was cheating on you, wouldn't you want your good friends to give you a heads up? If she finds out, and it comes out that you knew all along, do you think she'll continue to be a friend?

 

It can be done anonymously in many ways, but I'd have a tendency to alert her.

[kikonkrome 844]

Put yourself in the woman's shoes. If your husband was cheating on you, wouldn't you want your good friends to give you a heads up? If she finds out, and it comes out that you knew all along, do you think she'll continue to be a friend?

 

It can be done anonymously in many ways, but I'd have a tendency to alert her.

 

I have actually thought of that. Honestly, not really sure I would want to know. I mean I have a really great relationship with my wife. If she had a fling on a business trip, nope don't need to know.

 

Now I do think if someone is having a long term affair, either emotional, physical or both it is pretty evident to the other partner.

 

When I was dating and even now swinging I met plenty of women that were having very close emotional relationships with men outside their marriage and certainly a few that were having physical ones. Certainly if you are not having some sex with you spouse or your spouse is emotionally absent, i think there is responsibility on both partners to address the issue. If one tries to address the issue and the other puts their head in the sand and doesn't, well, that's a bad situation.

 

That's my two cents on the issue.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Would you keep playing with a couple if you knew one actively cheated?

 

Nope! We both feel the need to be able to trust and respect the people we play with. Cheating isn't respectful and proves that one cannot trust him.

 

He fell for a playmate, (also in our group) and he is waiting until his kids graduate, then he plans to divorce her.

 

Oh, that's different. Now he's just a stand up guy...NOT. This is why playing is just playing. If he loved, trusted and communicated with his wife, I don't think he would be planning on leaving her for a playmate. Once again, he cannot be trusted so we wouldn't be associating with him.

 

If you considered them good friends would you tell the wife?

 

If the were really good friends, I would tell him to tell his wife before she finds out on her own (and she most likely will, especially since this isn't the first time). I wouldn't tell the wife (too much of a chance for unnecessary drama) but if he didn't, I would consider arranging for her to find out. As pointed out, if she found out that we knew and didn't do anything...well, not doing anything is almost the same as participating since you are now covering it up.

 

Is it too much possible drama and would you wash your hands of all of it?

 

Too much potential drama, yes, we would stay away.

 

Previously we were seeing a couple and they introduced us to a third couple that they liked. Problem with this third couple was while they were both married, they weren't married to each other (they were cheating on their SO's and swinging together). We told the first couple that we were uncomfortable with this and were told that what the third couple wanted to do was up to them. We ended seeing either couples. You can't just hold on to a stick of lite dynamite and them be surprised when it blows up in your face. Not worth the risk or the effort. We prefer high quality people...

[Sweetcheeks85 16]

If it were me I would want to know, I would be hurt and upset but not at the person telling.

[afterwork 89]

Those that know of the cheating are already in the middle of drama. We can hear the questions now, "why didn't you tell me."

 

The human condition is furthered stressed simply by relationships. We have seen this movie before and reruns of the same plot but not always the husband or the wife being the one that stepped outside the confines of the marriage, especially a marriage that enjoys swinging. As the "other" folks that were aware of the situation, we found that when we challenged either of the spouses that was the culprit, we were the bad guys. And sure enough, when we said nothing we became the worst of the worst for not alerting the offended spouse.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 'Tis the human condition.

 

 

But for us, we agree with others. We have, and would in the future, challenge the "offending" spouse that has stepped not only outside their marriage, but has also impacted those of us that are willing LS partners with their behavior. It is our position that we would no longer swing with that couple, but would try to remain civil and friendly. One couple went through this and we remained stoically their better friends. That period in their life went from very sad, all the way to divorce, and then re-married. We were the best man and maid of honor at their re-marriage.

 

Ah, the human condition.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

I agree with approaching the husband. How solid is the proof? Sounds like there's a lot of gossiping going on. The wife has a right to know.

 

Part of me would want to just run away from all of it out of fear of all the drama. People cheating. Other people whispering about it all. But another part of me says the couple needs to have their crap revealed to them so that they (at the very least) will extract themselves from swinging and avoid spreading their drama to unsuspecting playmates.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

Who am I to judge a person that finds love with a friend on the lifestyle, most of us have seen it at least once. We each have our own journey in the path of swinging and non-monogamy, I don't think it is weird or wrong for people to find new love or truer love.

 

The problem is not finding new love or truer love, it's the lying to his wife. You don't lie to your spouse. Period. If he stopped loving her or found someone else that he loves more, he NEEDS to tell her. This is true whether they are into the lifestyle or not. The fact that they are really increases the need exponentially though, as he is now potentially dragging a lot of other people in to the drama. He needs to just tell her. If staying together until the kids are graduated is a concern, then he should at the very least stop swinging until then. Best case, tell his wife and explain to he that he thinks they should remain together for the sake of the kids and have a sham marriage. Yeah, that might not work out, but in the end, that will be best for the kids.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

[Scaredstiff 129]

Excellent haha

[Tahoecple 319]

The thing to remember about doing the right thing is that no good deed ever goes unpunished.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

...but he isn't doing the right thing.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

...but he isn't doing the right thing.

 

I think he was referring to the guy that posted telling either spouse about it. Telling one of them or walking away would be the right thing to do, but it's going to cause problems.

[mphil17 35]

We are talking to the couple tonight. We discussed it with another couple in our group, and we are going to have them over to put it all out there. It could get ugly.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Best of luck for tonight then guys

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Let us know how it went...

[mphil17 35]

It was heartbreaking. The wife had no clue. After the first cheating incident and the strengthening (or so she thought) of the marriage she believed he was 100% faithful. She had no idea about them going behind her back. She was absolutely devastated. He was defensive and said he could not help who he loved. He said they both knew there was a risk when swinging that could end in one of them finding a more suitable partner.

 

He showed guilt, but not being sorry for what he has done. She kicked him out of the house and is meeting with a lawyer. The saddest part aside from her heartache and the destruction of their family is the non-stop gossip in the swinging community about the entire situation. I was hoping swingers, being open and honest and valuing trust and respect, would be above the gossip and cruelty.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Oh dear, that's awful to hear.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We're sorry to hear this as well, but it was an accident just looking for a place to happen. We wish her the best of luck while going through this hard time.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

That really does suck, but as stated was going to happen sooner or later anyway. The sooner the better IMO.

[SASS 69]

Thank you for the update. It is truly heartbreaking this happened to her. I hope that you will continue to be her friend and offer support for her while she picks up the pieces of her life and categorizes them all. Maybe she will go on to find love elsewhere and be much better off for it.