Separate rooms... Why??

[Miishon 20]

My wife and I are looking forward to playing with another couple. We have talked about what we both want and how we hope it goes down. We want to be in the same room for safety and getting to see each other enjoying others. What I don't get is why anyone would want to go in to separate rooms? Since we have never had the opportunity to enjoy the lifestyle I am sure there is something I am missing. Please let us know the advantage of separate rooms.

[njbm 2,871]

Sometimes one of the couples goes faster. Sometimes one of the people is loud and distracting. Sometimes it's a good fantasy to wonder what your spouse is doing. Those are some reasons. We prefer same room, but separate is ok.

[Shore2Please 611]

I have written about my experiences before. Our first time swinging we were in different rooms. We met a couple on a cruise and we swapped spouses. I went to their cabin, my husband stayed in our cabin with the wife. That night was fabulous. It was the first time with someone other than my husband since we got married. I can say we made love. I know have taken exception to that comment. We did make love with kissing, touching and sex. It's not that I did anything new or much different than I do with my husband, it was different because he was different. Looking back, and memories do change, I was totally comfortable kissing and having sex with this new friend. I didn't think about my husband or what he might be doing in our cabin. It was much different when we had sex with them in the same room. My new partner changed. In front of my husband and his wife we had sex. It felt detached and more like putting on a show. The romantic oral from the night before was replaced with him having sex with my mouth. When he entered me the long sensual strokes were gone. I also saw my husband watching us as he was getting a blow job. It just wasn't the same.

 

Even though we have been in same room situations since and I have become more comfortable with it, I still prefer different rooms.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Same room is like a party. You hear and see what the other couple(s) is doing, it can be very erotic. If part of the reason you're swinging is that you want to see and hear your partner as they enjoy themselves, this is the way to go.

 

Separate room in more intimate. You get to concentrate on the person you're with, without distractions. If jealousy is an minor issue separate rooms can help the situation.

 

Both are nice.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

We used to only do same room play because I enjoy watching my wife and was uncomfortable with the idea of her playing alone. She was perfectly fine with me playing alone, and I did on a couple of occasions. As adamgunn said, it was nice because I could focus on the person I was with without distractions.

 

After a while, as we have gotten more comfortable, I've become ok with my wife playing without me... with the proviso that I want to hear the details of her encounters (basically because I'm a voyeuristic perv ). That's actually worked quite well, because she gets to have her fun without distraction and I still get to share the experience with her. Interestingly, she has no interest in the details of my separate play. That just isn't her kink.

 

In the end, as long as everyone is open and honest, having fun and following whatever your rules are, there aren't right or wrong ways... together or separate, soft swap or full swap or whatever. Do what's fun for you.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

We like both, especially at a big party it can happen.

[Miishon 20]

I have written about my experiences before. Our first time swinging we were in different rooms. We met a couple on a cruise and we swapped spouses. I went to their cabin, my husband stayed in our cabin with the wife. That night was fabulous. It was the first time with someone other than my husband since we got married. I can say we made love. I know have taken exception to that comment. We did make love with kissing, touching and sex. It's not that I did anything new or much different than I do with my husband, it was different because he was different. Looking back, and memories do change, I was totally comfortable kissing and having sex with this new friend. I didn't think about my husband or what he might be doing in our cabin. It was much different when we had sex with them in the same room. My new partner changed. In front of my husband and his wife we had sex. It felt detached and more like putting on a show. The romantic oral from the night before was replaced with him having sex with my mouth. When he entered me the long sensual strokes were gone. I also saw my husband watching us as he was getting a blow job. It just wasn't the same.

 

Even though we have been in same room situations since and I have become more comfortable with it, I still prefer different rooms.

 

 

Thank you so much for letting me know about your experience. Is it just a matter of circumstances or have you decided not to go in to a separate room again?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

This is an excellent question! And you've gotten some great observations so far.

 

The Mrs and I started in the lifestyle with a same-room rule. For us, that rule lasted for one play date! On our very first play date, the other couple were advocates of separate rooms, but were happy to accommodate us newbies, and play in the same room. As it happened, my wife and the other guy finished first. While I was still busy with the other woman (and attempting to get past a little performance issue), my wife and the other guy were lounging at the foot of the bed, doing play-by-play and color commentary like Howard Cosell and Dandy Don Meredith! That, along with some other discussion with that couple, convinced us of the merits of separate-room play.

 

In same-room play, the two pairs of people can kind of unconsciously feel like they should stay "synchronized". You are with your play partner, having a good time kissing, and you look over to see that the other play partners are getting each other naked. So you think, "oh, we're getting naked now- time to undress my play partner." Then, a while later, your spouse looks over at you and sees that you've gone from doing oral to having intercourse, and they think, "all right, time to move on to the fucking." The net effect of this is that you all end up feeling a little bit rushed. In separate room play, the play partners tend to feel like they can take their time a little more.

 

Another factor is how free you feel in expressing yourself. For us, we felt a little more free to engage in dirty talk, and generally be more vocal and expressive, when playing in separate rooms. In the same room, I think there was a part of me that would hold back a little bit, not knowing if some bit of dirty talk I might say would make the other guy laugh!

 

Finally, we feel like separate room play allows the play pairs to be more passionate and intense. In same-room play, the mood tends to be more light and funny.

 

Since our start, we have gained some experience, and relaxed to the point where we can enjoy either same-room or separate-room play. We still slightly prefer separate rooms, but we enjoy the energy and turn-on of same-room play, too. And I think we are better at devoting the proper amount of attention to our play partner, versus the other play pair. For us, that means most all of our attention is on our play partner, with just enough awareness of our spouse and the other play partner to draw the sexy energy from them.

[Guest]

When we first started doing swaps, after several MFM, I had mixed feelings. For my safety, I wanted same room. But fear that I might let lose, be louder or nastier (after all, this was sex for pleasure only), or whatever more than I am with hubby, I thought separate rooms might be nice. We have done it both ways now and I think I actually like separate. For one thing, there have been those times when the guy I am with is more of a wham bam or something without any bam for me. I hate to lay there listening to the lady having multiple orgasms from hubby. But, there are also times when the other get lets lose more when my (formidable) hubby isn’t there a few feet away. So, rougher sex, spankings, kink is more likely in the separate room scenario.

[Sexykitty6364 38]

When we were in the LS 10 years ago, we always were in the same room. We were also soft swap only. This time, hubby and I decided on full swap, separate rooms. Full swap because we trust each other much more than we were first married and separate because we just can't be ourselves when the other is watching. I (wife) have no problem watching hubby enjoy himself. I am able to detach. However, I (wife) cannot enjoy myself in with hubby in the room because even though hubby knows I am not emotionally involved, the touching, the kissing, the caresses LOOK like love to him and he gets jealous/upset. It has been a much more fulfilling experience for us this way. Afterwards, we don't go into detail per se but we do discuss what happened with our playmates and how we both felt, etc. It really has brought us closer than we have ever been in our marriage.

[Shore2Please 611]

Thank you so much for letting me know about your experience. Is it just a matter of circumstances or have you decided not to go in to a separate room again?

 

We have done both. For me, I like the experience of being separate. I enjoy the sex and the fore and after play. Being my first time was separate, I didn't feel the rushing that the same room did. I enjoyed the playfulness and the cuddling after. We spent the entire night together and did it a number of times. We were able to talk between sessions. We got to know each other. I didn't feel it was just sex. I will say the first time I saw my husband in bed with the wife I had some jealous feeling. I have gotten past that. Watching my husband please a woman makes me feel like I get to go home with the guy who pleased you.

 

I have had great sex in front of my husband but some of the intimacy I enjoyed when we separate is missing.

[Miishon 20]

We have done both. For me, I like the experience of being separate. I enjoy the sex and the fore and after play. Being my first time was separate, I didn't feel the rushing that the same room did. I enjoyed the playfulness and the cuddling after. We spent the entire night together and did it a number of times. We were able to talk between sessions. We got to know each other. I didn't feel it was just sex. I will say the first time I saw my husband in bed with the wife I had some jealous feeling. I have gotten past that. Watching my husband please a woman makes me feel like I get to go home with the guy who pleased you.

 

I have had great sex in front of my husband but some of the intimacy I enjoyed when we separate is missing.

 

I can only hope I can have as good of a time as you have. Thank you for your insight!

[adamgunn 1,460]

AlexandSandra said, "I recently had separate room play, we don't do it often and the buildup with foreplay and when he entered me slowly and forcefully to a huge buildup and orgasm was very intense. Yet, three weeks ago we were at a house party and the sexual dynamic, having sex with four different men and three different women was just as fun, but in a completely different way."

 

That's what the LifeStyle is all about, isn't it? Different things and fun.

[findinganswers 369]

We started in the same room. Our swinging started with good friends. I enjoyed watching the two girls playing. My wife with her best friend that we have known forever. It was my wife who pushed the idea of us doing this making me a little uneasy of her being with another man. Being it was our first time, I don't think I would be comfortable in separate rooms. I would be wondering why my wife wanted to do this. In the same room, and with with friends who we knew for such a long time it was like a fun night night. I did have some trepidation watching her with him at first. Less so me with a woman who is so close to my wife, almost like sisters. We have since been in separate rooms with others. I do worry that my wife is not being hurt more than worrying what she is doing.

As others noted, it is two separate things and can be enjoyed as so. I enjoy pizza and I enjoy Asian food, some may have a preference of one over the other. I don't think I, or we could have started in different rooms. I would have had too many doubts in my head.

I can now admit I had fears the first time. Our friends had been swingers. They knew what to expect. I had doubts how I would measure up in size and performance. It turned out fine and we have had so much fun with our friends and now with other people we have met through them.

Good lick on your journey

[oc1234 435]

My wife and I and a good friend Bill are in a polyamorous relationship so we do all love each other. Although we normally do MFM threesomes, we have all decided that Bill and my wife should also sometimes play alone with each other. That allows the two of them to become much more intimate with each other.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Inhibitions. Sometimes the sex can be better without an audience.

[michjosh69 23]

When we first started doing swaps, after several MFM, I had mixed feelings. For my safety, I wanted same room. But fear that I might let lose, be louder or nastier (after all, this was sex for pleasure only), or whatever more than I am with hubby, I thought separate rooms might be nice. We have done it both ways now and I think I actually like separate. For one thing, there have been those times when the guy I am with is more of a wham bam or something without any bam for me. I hate to lay there listening to the lady having multiple orgasms from hubby. But, there are also times when the other get lets lose more when my (formidable) hubby isn’t there a few feet away. So, rougher sex, spankings, kink is more likely in the separate room scenario.

 

We're newbies here and your posts have been really useful. Do you think different rooms for a new couple can help soften the blow since the spouse doesnt have to see what's happening?

 

Also, you mentioned in another post that it isnt about how good was it with the other person, its about making sure your partner enjoys good sex/great time and its guilt free for both of us? Can you kindly elaborate more on that?

 

Thanks so much!

[adamgunn 1,460]

For that first time, indeed until you become acclimated, you can expect to have a great amount of excitement and resulting emotions. Many people run the gamut from elation to dejection and everything in between. If you've talked it out with your partner, if you've both said to yourself 'this is going to happen, and we want to have fun, and we're sure we'll survive afterwards,' then the negative emotions are short lived. If not, particularly if both partners aren't on the same page, then you may face an extended period of trying to wrap your head around what happened. So, communications with your partner before the deed is done is usually conducive to harmony and pleasure.

 

The difference between same and separate rooms varies between couples. Are you interested in hearing their squeals of joy as you are pleasuring your new, temporary partner? Are you concerned about safety? If the answer to those is yes, go same room. If not, try separate.

[Guy1964 177]

I have written about my experiences before. Our first time swinging we were in different rooms. We met a couple on a cruise and we swapped spouses. I went to their cabin, my husband stayed in our cabin with the wife. That night was fabulous. It was the first time with someone other than my husband since we got married. I can say we made love. I know have taken exception to that comment. We did make love with kissing, touching and sex. It's not that I did anything new or much different than I do with my husband, it was different because he was different. Looking back, and memories do change, I was totally comfortable kissing and having sex with this new friend. I didn't think about my husband or what he might be doing in our cabin. It was much different when we had sex with them in the same room. My new partner changed. In front of my husband and his wife we had sex. It felt detached and more like putting on a show. The romantic oral from the night before was replaced with him having sex with my mouth. When he entered me the long sensual strokes were gone. I also saw my husband watching us as he was getting a blow job. It just wasn't the same.

 

Even though we have been in same room situations since and I have become more comfortable with it, I still prefer different rooms.

 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience, the good and the bad. I get so many perspectives from these boards.

[Eddiem 139]

A good question and it begins and ends with trust. We started off with -same room only. It later migrated into seperate rooms however for me I truly enjoy seeing my wife enjoying her sexual experience.

[njbm 2,871]

We like separate but nearby rooms where we can hear each other. We will only do separate rooms with people we know. We won’t separate at house parties, unless we know most or all. We won’t separate and go in a closed door room. People have some weird kinks they may trot out on my diminutive wife in a closed door room by themselves.

 

I trust my wife 1000%. It’s the other guys I don’t trust.

[Cleve76Pom 24]

We kind of evolved into the separate room deal. It happens, you chat about it and its ok.....you may even find yourself at a house party, you kiss your spouse as you walk in and then do not see them for hours...it happens

[Sjmar 141]

It really just depends on the couple, and what elements of swinging turn you on. I “get” some of the reasons why others on this thread say they enjoy separate rooms, but we like to stay together. Especially because I’m bisexual and we love girl/girl play mixed in, and because we both get off on watching the other, we just enjoy an all over group dynamic as opposed to pairing off. I don’t see that changing for us. Do what works for you!

[WesternSwing 504]

My (now) ex-wife and I started off as same-room only, however we moved to separate room and solo play pretty quickly. Why? Because sometimes the turn-on was watching each other do their thing and other times we liked to be able to concentrate on our partner and not have to worry about if the other one is okay at that moment. We also realized that the "same room only" rule was really about not trusting that each other wouldn't "break the rules". So we threw the rules out other than practicing safe sex and had much more fun.

[adamgunn 1,460]

WesternSwing, I pretty much agree with you except for your comment, "We also realized that the "same room only" rule was really about not trusting that each other wouldn't "break the rules"

 

For us, we liked to hear and see each other having sex with others. I remember one night where she was on the bed and my partner and I were on the floor and the foursome lasted a very long time - for over an hour and a half. Afterwards during reclaiming sex, she asked me if I really came three times, and I told her yes I did!

[padoc 1,703]

We have few rules so while Im busy with my face is buried in a new pussy and her husband is balls deep in Mrs Doc, neither of us have to check off on rules. We like the same room because I LOVE watching her and she enjoys seeing another woman get off with me. Plus, we really like switching back and forth. We HAVE separated at some house parties where we know all of the couples. One time at Trapeze, we met a relatively new couple and there were 2 other couples there who had been friends for years. The new wife was a bit intimidated by the big public play area at the club so she asked if we could go to a private room. Mrs Doc said. "sure, you two go, the boys (the new husband and the 2 other couples)will take good care of me". We ALL had a great night. Jesus, this hobby beats hell out of collecting baseball cards or christmas plates!

[jnrswinger 62]

And how about the mystery? The thrill of knowing your partner is doing it with someone else, but not knowing exactly what they are doing? Will they be really passionate, will they do things you don't do together, will they get a little kinky, do you have boundaries but will they cross them in the heat of the moment? Then there's hearing about their exploits later - but will they share everything with you or leave some mystery for you to fantasize about or keep a little something just for themselves to remember? And what about hearing about what they did with your partner from the other person? However familiar you are with each other, there's always room to learn new things about your partner to enhance your own love making, especially when it comes from someoneelse's experience with them.

 

Also how about the trill of hearing the sounds coming form the other room and wondering exactly what is happening, guessing but not really knowing? I'm sure that can be a "show" in itself for some.