How to spot others in the lifestyle

[M and b 17]

Just wondering how to spot others in the lifestyle when you are out in the vanilla world?

Thanks

[cplnluv1 872]

They are the one with 2 eyes, 2 arms and 2 legs. Some have breasts and some have a penis. Hope this helps. If you are a swinger, look in the mirror. That's what a swinger looks like.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Well, there isn't a foolproof way to spot a swinger in the vanilla world, other than them saying "We swing". There are signs that might indicate they are either swingers or are open to the possibility. Even then it isn't a guarantee.

 

Because of this we have made it a habit of finding swingers in the swinging community. It's A LOT easier.

 

I will say this: "Are They Swingers" can be a fun game to play while out in the real world.

[SAMnTINA 362]

We often play maybe, maybe not, hope not in airports and other places. But the only way to know for sure is to ask.

[M and b 17]

I'm sure it seems like a odd question and I hope I haven't offended anyone. Being new to the lifestyle We are trying to get our sea legs so to speak... we have a lot of questions some stranger than others... we truly appreciate the feedback...

Thanks everyone for the help

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Absolutely not, no bad questions here on this site, ever!

 

We have fun playing the "are they or aren't they" thing with people you see or meet. But, truth is, no way of knowing for sure unless you ask

 

I've told this story here several times I think, including fairly recently. Short version is - new girlfriend/eventually wife of a vanilla friend. When she first started coming around, she made my swingdar start flashing red big time. She seemed to always figure out a way to work swinging into the conversation at least once every gathering without really seeming pro or con about it and she knew the lingo. Eventually it comes out that a long-time good friend of hers is a swinger and is out about it, and although she's not interested herself, she likes hearing about her friend's escapades.

 

Moral of story, proceed cautiously, what seems to be might not be.

[kikonkrome 844]

I was doing some off the head math while sitting in a plane the other day and figure the percentage of swingers in the general population is well really really small. I would guess less than 0.01% I know this kinda goes against the grain of the general thought, but that would be my guess. So if you are asking they probably aren't.

 

We do play the who would you rather, in semi public situations though, like a crowded restaurant, waiting for a plane, etc.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

The problem with having something to identify you as a swinger, is that it identifies you as a swinger to anyone who understands the symbol. There have been attempts to have a symbol for some time, but nothing ever caught on (since very few people want to be that open about it). The perfect example is the rainbow...there was a time when only people in the GLBQ community knew that a rainbow meant you might be part of their group. Now it is a symbol that identifies you as part of that group (even if you are not and just like rainbows). Black rings were an attempt at one swinger symbol, but it hasn't really caught on. In the past, there were stories of white landscape rocks and/or Tide boxes in the window that identified a swinger house (but these are just stories).

 

It's much more fun to play the 'Swinger Or Not' game and just imagine different people possibly being swingers. Easiest way to identify a swinger is for you and your SO to take off all of their cloths in a room with other people...anyone else who takes off their cloths are most likely swingers too...

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We decided, for fun, to get us those black swingers rings to wear on our right hands. We've worn them a few times, mostly in swinger-friendly settings, and once or twice in vanilla settings. We've only ever had anyone say anything about the rings in swinger settings, though.

[Alura 2,774]

We often play maybe, maybe not, hope not in airports and other places. But the only way to know for sure is to ask.

 

According to my late wife, the woman should be the one to ask. The question must be phrased in a way that results in a discussion, not a simple "yes" or "no" answer.

 

"How do y'all feel about swinging?"

 

This question should only be asked after you've had some positive indications from conversation or body language. If the couple interacts with you and your wife, that is, the husband talks with your wife and you with his, that's a good sign. If one is very quiet, rarely speaking, arms crossed across the chest, no eye contact, don't ask. The results will probably be not so good.

 

If they glance at your lips while you're talking, they're having thoughts of kissing you. That's when your wife should ask.

[Guest]

Our experience is that in a vanilla environment, the woman is dressed a bit more sexy than most others attending the same event. Combine that with a little sharing of affection such as holding hands or more touching between the couple. None of this is sure fire, but things we have noticed.

[PeterJ 948]

According to my late wife, the woman should be the one to ask. The question must be phrased in a way that results in a discussion, not a simple "yes" or "no" answer.

 

"How do y'all feel about swinging?"

 

This question should only be asked after you've had some positive indications from conversation or body language. If the couple interacts with you and your wife, that is, the husband talks with your wife and you with his, that's a good sign. If one is very quiet, rarely speaking, arms crossed across the chest, no eye contact, don't ask. The results will probably be not so good.

 

If they glance at your lips while you're talking, they're having thoughts of kissing you. That's when your wife should ask.

 

That's sage advice, Alura. It's really a sort of seduction, even if the object isn't necessarily to end up in bed with them, but rather to determine if there is even the potential of playing together. And of course revealing to another couple, assuming they are people with whom you are acquainted in a broader context, not just people you met in a bar or similar place, is a one-way street. Once you've revealed yourselves, either implicitly or explicitly, there's someone out there who knows something about you that you want to keep out of the public realm. (If you are, as some friends of mine are, totally out, then of course that doesn't matter.)

 

I meet my partners at swinger events and through the internet, plus my wife and I are old, so neither I nor we as a couple have others approach us. But if I did have someone who seemed to be hinting by asking my opinions about swinging, my response would be to ask about theirs. I suspect others might respond the same way. So, it might be good to have a response in mind if the question it turned back on you. Not that it's likely to happen to me or to us, but if acquaintances were to ask, my response would be along the lines of "it's a subject that we've discussed in the past, and one we find interesting. What are your thoughts on the subject?"

 

One last thing, with regard to people watching your lips. It might be because hey are fantasizing about kissing them, and that's certainly a pleasant interpretation. But some of us who are somewhat hearing impaired (way to much time in and around unruffled race cars over the course of my life, for instance)we look at lips when people talk as an aid to understanding their words. I might be thinking about kissing you, but I also might just be trying to hear what you are saying. :-)

[Alura 2,774]

 

One last thing, with regard to people watching your lips. It might be because hey are fantasizing about kissing them, and that's certainly a pleasant interpretation. But some of us who are somewhat hearing impaired (way to much time in and around unruffled race cars over the course of my life, for instance)we look at lips when people talk as an aid to understanding their words. I might be thinking about kissing you, but I also might just be trying to hear what you are saying. :-)

 

This is a possibility, Peter. I think the key is being able to discern the difference. Laura was really good at that. Kissing thoughts are usually accompanied by a twinkle in their eyes while an inability to hear is a confused look. Kissing thoughts are more fleeting; hearing problems tend to cause people to watch your lips for extended periods of time. Even so, there is no guarantee that you'll guess accurately.

 

I've spent a lot of time around unmuffled race cars (and gunfire), too. I couldn't agree more.

 

People who answer questions with questions piss me off. It shows an unwillingness to communicate, a core need in swinging. Unless there were a lot of other positive aspects, we'd most likely have remembered that we had to go do something important.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

The "swinger or not?" game is remarkable for how frequently swingers play it. One wonders if vanillas ever play it.

 

More than once we have found ourselves at a restaurant, spotted an especially well-groomed couple looking around and --seemingly mildly anxious--awaiting the arrival of another couple. When the second couple arrives, it's apparent that they have never met before. Now it could be a business meeting. It could be a plain vanilla dinner. But as the conversation gets animated, the whole thing looks and feels like a first date.

 

We know. We have been one of those couples!

 

It's easier to spot LS people in the company of other LS people.

 

It's easier still to spot them at a house party...

[VegasNudeCouple 167]

So much of the key in seeing what couples are in the Lifestyle is their non-verbal behavior. My hubby and I are exhibitionists and when the weather is warm, wear minimal clothes and go barefoot. I like to stay braless in white tank tops, enjoying the comments and come-ons from both men and women here in Las Vegas. We share in public affections short of being arrested.

Laura

Laura and Dave

[VegasNudeCouple 167]

My hubby and I wear the black swinger rings on our hands, but wear them on our index fingers, and find that black ankle bands on our left ankles work better, especially with Bisexual couples who swing.

Laura and Dave

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

This discussion brings to mind the t-shirt that the nun from the Young Pope TV show was wearing when she answered the knock on her door after hours. It had "I'M A VIRGIN but this is an old shirt" printed on it.

 

The only reliable way to distinguish a swinger while out in public is if the person is wearing a t-shirt that has "I'm a swinger" printed on it. And yours is not a naive question. The same question came to my mind during the period of time that my wife and I were starting our investigation of the lifestyle.

[M and b 17]

Thank you for all your replies, the help was greatly appreciated

[sweetsnspeed 52]

We've had this question and have played the "are they, aren't they and we hope not" game. We interact with other couples for our business in vanilla contexts, and recently the wife of the couple mentioned they had booked a vacation at resort for later this summer. We asked which one, and she kind of said "Maya or something like that, I'm not real sure." This is a couple that we have often thought fit that "chances are good profile". We are thinking that she knew exactly what resort ( Maya, aka Desire Mexico), but we guess she could also be one who lets the other partner take care of such things and just goes along. Buuut, we think she knew exactly and was trying to cover herself.

[Alura 2,774]

This discussion brings to mind the t-shirt that the nun from the Young Pope TV show was wearing when she answered the knock on her door after hours. It had "I'M A VIRGIN but this is an old shirt" printed on it.

 

The only reliable way to distinguish a swinger while out in public is if the person is wearing a t-shirt that has "I'm a swinger" printed on it. And yours is not a naive question. The same question came to my mind during the period of time that my wife and I were starting our investigation of the lifestyle.

 

When Laura and I lived in Europe, SW PA Couple, our favorite vacation place was the Island of Ibiza (Spain). We toyed with the idea of printing matching t-shirts with "WE SWING!" printed on the back but, sadly, never acted on the idea.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

When Laura and I lived in Europe, SW PA Couple, our favorite vacation place was the Island of Ibiza (Spain). We toyed with the idea of printing matching t-shirts with "WE SWING!" printed on the back but, sadly, never acted on the idea.

 

We are looking forward to visiting Ibiza this summer as part of a cruise!

[Alura 2,774]

We are looking forward to visiting Ibiza this summer as part of a cruise!

 

Y'all will have a great trip, Fundamental Law! Rent a couple of mopeds and ride the twisty roads.

 

It's been a long since I lived there (1974-5). I imagine the island has undergone many changes since my last visit (1980).

 

I used to get my mail at Wauna's Stage Door Bar in the town of Ibiza, but I can't imagine it might still be there. It was run by an Australian couple.

 

Have a great trip! I envy y'all!

[older couple 132]

I had a couple say it is just a vibe you feel when you are around some people. But I'm not sure about that. My wife and I have been swinging for 40 years. Married 44. Raised six kids. Pretty sure not all of them are mine. There is no way to count the men she has serviced over the years. She is a devout nudist, hates clothes and has a fantastic all over tan and has all her body hair permanently removed. She hasn't worn panties or bras her whole life. She has an award winning magnetic personality. Everyone instantly likes her. She enjoys going to church. Everyone in he church especially kids just love her and everyone damn near stand up and cheers when she enters the church. I am sure there is no swinger vibe anywhere there. But as soon as I walk into the place, I instantly get "Yuk, a pervert" look. Now I think, but not sure, that could be a swinger vibe; or I'm just not as beautiful and sexy as my wife.

Older Couple

[VegasNudeCouple 167]

Hey older couple,

As Dave and I are not exactly youngsters, we also have found that being in the Lifestyle has opened us up to new and exciting friends. As we are BOTH nudists all our lives, we have many fellow nudists who are married couples and in the Lifestyle like us, and you are right, the Vibe is important, but Dave and I are very Erotically Spiritual I like to call it, where when with the right people nude or clothed, I get wet and Dave gets hard. That's a measure for us. I too, dislike bras and panties, and we both go Commando when we can.

Laura

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I was doing some off the head math while sitting in a plane the other day and figure the percentage of swingers in the general population is well really really small. I would guess less than 0.01% I know this kinda goes against the grain of the general thought, but that would be my guess.

 

With all respect, I have to disagree with this estimation. I'm from Indiana. If your figure is correct, that means that throughout all of Indiana, there are 246 married people who are swingers. I've seen more than half that number on one night at a swingers club. Searching SLS, I rapidly exceed that number in a local search, not even covering the entire state...and that's just sls and those that have been there in the last month. It's very hard to put a figure on it, but swinging is a multimillion dollar business nationwide, with conventions sometimes attracting near a thousand couples.

 

I'd say a more realistic figure is in the .1% to 1% range. That's a guess too, but such a range would certainly allow for the numbers I see on SLS and at swingers clubs.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

M and b, the advice you are getting is spot on. There really isn't anyway to know. You just can't know without being direct in some way, whether it be asking or by letting them know you are and seeing how they respond. A couple of quick stories...

 

A very close family friend of ours had spent many years around us, over for dinner many times, lots of outings together around town, at the lake, etc. Our kids love him, and he's always been an honorary uncle to them. We'd been swingers for years, but he didn't know. He'd been dating a very nice young lady for a while, and confided in us that they were experimenting with opening up their relationship to others. He was excited, concerned, uncertain, etc. He told us things that were, frankly, the wrong way to about doing things. My wife and I discussed it in private, and we made a choice to tell him. We did so by way of giving him our copy of a book about swinging as a Christmas present. After the kids had gone to bed, we gave it to him. He opened it and the look on his face was priceless. He looked at me, looked at my wife and said "YOU? YOU TWO? NO WAY!" Much laughter ensued. He had not the slightest inkling we were swingers. The lesson; you've no idea about a couple.

 

Two; I have a very close friend ("Jane") of mine from college, whom I dated for years in college. Saying we're very close doesn't describe it. We are very intimately connected to each other. I don't mean that on a physical level. We haven't been sexual for more than 20 years now. My wife knew about Jane early on, and I've always kept my wife in the loop about Jane as I always do about anything. My wife is perfectly accepting of Jane being this close to me. After a few years of swinging and having some long term partners, my wife has become comfortable with and suggested the possibility of reigniting things on a sexual level with Jane. I tried feeling Jane out over about two years of conversation, texting, in-person, etc. I was intentionally seed planting thoughts. I knew the sage advice from here; make friends of swingers, not swingers of friends. But, I thought just maybe with Jane there was a way. Over time, sexual banter developed between Jane and I, and at times it got fairly...shall we say, "warm". There came a time when it seemed appropriate to tell Jane that we could make love again, and my wife would be happy about it. In the couple of days leading up to telling her, all the signs were there. This was going to go ok. Still, I was uncertain. I finally did tell Jane, and her response was polar opposite to what the signals had all told me. This, despite being so close to Jane that I can instantly tell what she is feeling just by hearing a single sound from her, despite being very connected to her, despite being very soulfully intimate with her. I read her wrong. Lesson; it doesn't matter how well you know a person. You can't know unless you ask them or they tell you.

 

There is jewelry out there that you can wear to demonstrate you are a swinger. There are necklaces and ankle bracelets for women that have multiple male and female signs on them, indicating multiple partners, and similar ones with "MFM" and "MFFM", etc. There are pieces that have "HW" on them ("hot wife"). There are similar bracelets for men and women. Those that are swingers will immediately recognize them, even if they haven't seen them before. You could get such jewelry and see how people respond. Put a search in for "swinger jewelry". You'll find something you like.

[kikonkrome 844]

My hubby and I wear the black swinger rings on our hands, but wear them on our index fingers, and find that black ankle bands on our left ankles work better, especially with Bisexual couples who swing.

Laura and Dave

 

Does anybody have examples of this?

 

With all respect, I have to disagree with this estimation. I'm from Indiana. If your figure is correct, that means that throughout all of Indiana, there are 246 married people who are swingers. I've seen more than half that number on one night at a swingers club. Searching SLS, I rapidly exceed that number in a local search, not even covering the entire state...and that's just sls and those that have been there in the last month. It's very hard to put a figure on it, but swinging is a multimillion dollar business nationwide, with conventions sometimes attracting near a thousand couples.

 

I'd say a more realistic figure is in the .1% to 1% range. That's a guess too, but such a range would certainly allow for the numbers I see on SLS and at swingers clubs.

 

oooh cool Indiana is an interesting test case!!!

 

2.6 Million people married so 1.3 Million Couples

 

The State of Hoosier Unions: A Demographic View of Marriage

 

so @ 1% we are at 13000 couples...0.1% 1300 couples 0.01% 130 couples

 

I would agree with you that my number is too small, but 13000 seems to high? so in the range 0.1%? What do you think?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Does anybody have examples of this?

 

 

 

oooh cool Indiana is an interesting test case!!!

 

2.6 Million people married so 1.3 Million Couples

 

The State of Hoosier Unions: A Demographic View of Marriage

 

so @ 1% we are at 13000 couples...0.1% 1300 couples 0.01% 130 couples

 

I would agree with you that my number is too small, but 13000 seems to high? so in the range 0.1%? What do you think?

 

The website, swingerzonecentral is a smaller site and is largely, IN and OH. There are 150,000 profiles, which include singles. There is a group on the site, called Indiana Swingers that has 2700 members, it was created in 2008, and has had no activity.

 

In this area of the country I believe we are probably closer to 1-2%

[lnw 145]

A black ring story...

We were at Desire a couple of months ago. January was called "International Swingers Month" by Desire as a marketing theme. We went knowing there is always a mix there and depending upon the crowd, could be more swingers than not. Given the marketing for the month, we anticipated the resort to be filled more with swingers.

 

We were in the pool on the second day chatting with a nice couple and noticed they both had black rings on their right hands so we started chatting swinger topics. At some point, she said they do not swing so I had to ask about the black rings. They had no idea what that meant, just saw some others at one time and liked them. The next day she came down to the pool with a white ring on the right hand. They thanked us for enlightening them but it did open some doors for discussion the rest of the week and they are talking about exploring some.

 

So you can never tell...

[kikonkrome 844]

So i got a spot the swinger story!!

 

Often when we travel we will be at the bar at the hotel. There we certainly feel we have run into swinger couples, getting a little too drunk and flirty with each other at the hotel bar. Especially as I am often staying in more 'business' hotels that are close to deserted on a weekend, it can be a bit funnily indiscreet.

 

This Saturday I noticed a threesome checking into a hotel room with nothing but liquor in the hands and giggly smiles.

[older couple 132]

You have made a good point. We are the same way. Love Las Vegas. Have a good time. Good luck to you both.