Why not simply ask your spouse about swinging?

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Okay, this may sound snotty, but I honestly want to know:

 

Why do people (usually guys) come here and ask whether their spouses are interested in swinging?

 

Why don't they ask their spouses? Are they afraid the spouse will be so offended or upset that it will ruin the relationship or will ruin the chance of ever swinging? Do they prefer living in a state of hope that the spouse will grow interested in the LS over living with the certainty that it will never happen after the spouse has said, "No way, nohow"?

 

Has anyone here been in the "I'm afraid to ask her, so let me get feedback from others first" situation and gone on to enter the LS successfully?

 

This is just such a common question, and I don't understand what's behind it.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I think part of it is the fear you mention. I think part of it is wanting some advice on how to talk to their SO about a difficult topic.

 

However, even more than either of those, I think there is a very basic human need behind such questions - the need for community. I think people posting such questions want to be reassured that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, that someone else out there has gone through this and come out OK. It's easier to stand in front of someone, take a risk and do a hard thing when you know that someone else - even if only a bunch of faceless strangers on the internet - has your back.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I think Lionheart has it about right.

 

I knew group sex sounded appealing from my late teens. My high school sweetheart and I talked about it *a little*, experimented with voyeurism *a little*. In later early relationships, I just assumed that because this was widely regarded as something fringe and there was a strong social prohibition against it, that mentioning it would scare somebody off and that I couldn't trust them not spread it to their girlfriends that I was some kind of a creep, or at least that she wouldn't look at me the same way again. I know there's also a fear of escalation for some, that "I will suggest X and then my partner will want Y, and I don't know if I can handle Y".

 

To put it another way, once you've had a nice Christmas dinner with her conservative Baptist Texan family, it doesn't sound like there's a good way to bring up a gangbang.

 

(The irony is that the ex with the conservative Baptist Texan family liked it rough and said some of the dirtiest things I've ever heard in bed. *She* brought up group sex toward the end of the relationship, when I'd already lost all hope about a future, and I don't know why I never figured out she'd probably be receptive except I still thought it was just wasn't something that was acceptable to suggest. Had she taken the initiative and brought it up earlier, she'd have been spitroasted before she could finish the sentence.)

 

"I really want to do this but I'm having a hard time imagining that my partner will receive the news well" is understandable. I'm less concerned about convention today as I've gotten a little older and am more concerned about just doing what we want to do and being happy, but it seems like a natural hesitation at first.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Thanks so much, you two. I appreciate the insight, and it makes a lot of sense. I think it's hard for me to remember what it was like before I reached this point of intimacy and openness with my husband, and losing that perspective made it hard for me to understand. Thanks again!

[PSULioness 859]

I guess I am one of the ones who asked this question. I am not married. I am in what I would say a serious relationship and living with my boyfriend. We are not officially engaged but live together. I am also younger than most on here and oh by the way, a female. I have read the many same questions as the OP and he said almost all are men asking how to get their wives to go along with swinging. My first dilemma was do I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him with a couple. After sleepless nights I did. It was my first time with a female, and to add my first threesome. Being a healthy 20something I have been with a number of guys in my life. When we took the step and moved in together I was ready to become monogamous. This 3some was not planned. What I found was that I enjoyed the experience, more for the female, my college friend, than being with a guy I just met. I told my boyfriend and he did get very mad and disappeared for a few days. He has since come back and he actually went to a party where my college gf was.

 

Getting back to your question, I asked questions to you, anonymous people, who have some experience. It also let me think about what I want. It allows me to gather my thoughts, and ask myself the same questions that I am asking you. None of you know me or my relationship. I read your answers and took from them what I thought was relevant to me. I thought what I did was swinging and then what I saw was that I really cheated. I needed to read that. It put things in perspective. I accepted and had to face the consequences of me telling someone I love what I did.

 

To some degree, the people who post on here are exhibitionists. We expose ourselves whether in words or in actions. I am not sure if we post to get answers or just for some self introspection.

 

Now I ask, How do I ask my bf if he wants a 3some? LOL

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I think it's hard for me to remember what it was like before I reached this point of intimacy and openness with my husband, and losing that perspective made it hard for me to understand.

 

Nailed it. Most couples just never reach this level of intimacy and openness in their relationship. I knew that I could NEVER mention this to my ex wife...what she would hear is 'I want to have an affair...either with or without you'. Very few couples achieve the closeness needed to be able to start the conversation. Even less are willing to suggest swinging because of the taboo associated with it (allowing your spouse to have sex with other people...isn't that cheating?). By asking others who have already been over this ground, they get the support and suggestions on how to proceed without the judgement that comes from society.

 

I don't mind people asking or helping others get to where they can talk more open and freely to their SO...even if they never take another step towards swinging, it will almost always help strengthen their relationship and that's never a bad thing.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Most people cannot wrap their heads around it.

 

Nailed it. Most couples just never reach this level of intimacy and openness in their relationship. I knew that I could NEVER mention this to my ex wife...what she would hear is 'I want to have an affair...either with or without you'....(allowing your spouse to have sex with other people...isn't that cheating?)

 

...and if you're talking about the sort for whom sex is inextricably linked to love (which is fine), it's easy to see how it would go that way. Because that is the traditional convention in our society, I think most men just have an in-built assumption that this is some version of what their partner will hear and are really fishing for an answer to how other men dodged that bullet.

 

Obviously, I believe the convention is often an awkward fraud and we're taking it too seriously. Sometimes this reaction is real but I don't think it's ever as intense as we imagine. Most people state some views because they're the "correct" view but can politely consider alternatives. (We've all seen online dating profiles, I'm sure, that adamantly stated "i'm not looking for hookups" because the poor lass was most certainly looking for hookups.)

[Happy Hubby 17]

Open communication can be liberating.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Why do some of the guys ask about how to make their wife into a hotwife, and don't talk to her?

 

Gee, some of these couldn't be trolls, could they?