Low self-esteem mixed with lots of tension

[Marriedcurious 16]

Hi. I'm new and wanted to ask what a good approach would be if even considerable.

I have randomly thrown hints at my wife about another woman. Her responses are verbally and generally along the lines of "what I'm not enough for you" I say no you are plenty. I have considered trying to see if she will agree to going to a local swingers place for fun. I tried taking her to a sex store and she felt like she was out of place. I considered the swingers place as a place to just feel free. Even if we don't join in and just watch and enjoy the environment itself as a teaser.

 

A little background. Before I met her she was the fat chick that put out a lot. She was verbally abused and put down by her parents. Never had any real relationship more than a couple of months. I was her first real marriage and first long term relationship. Been together 9 years married 5. Just over two years ago a terrifying act (can't discuss it in detail) shut her down a lot. Our marriage suffered as collateral damage. Both of us became cold and distant from the anxiety and stress and the impact it had on her as a mother. (No it wasn't death of a child ) she became abusive and I even filed for separation which we recinded per her request in promise to get better. Over time we did better. Had some downfalls. Had some issues. Had some good times. A mix of all. At one point I found her on tinder and met up with someone at a store she met on there. No sexy conversations on her phone but worried me about where we stand or what she wanted. She does not respond or participate in therapy well at all. (We did therapy which got us nothing. She does participate in therapy with another family member and acts very similarly ).

Since our marriage she lost a lot of weight and has put some of it back on and feels like shit about it. She doesn't like to even take her top off during sex. She got on me a bit about picking her up and putting her on a washer to make out a little. All self concious kind of stuff comments like but I'm heavy doesn't that hurt?

Her communication with me on certain things is not great. Things about feelings she is horrible at opening up with me. Or anyone really for that matter.

Sex drive has been down for her. Sometimes it comes and goes.

I put the tinder thing as a cry for attention. Just positive attention to her as a person. Due to her reactions to me I felt like I didn't want to do things as a husband with her.

 

I have been curious and wanting to do some extra marital fun. Not without her but with her to explore new things. Open up. Lighten up. Meet new people. She should feel attractive. She is attractive. 90 percent of her body image is stomach. She has great legs. She does want her breasts done from kids. Her face and eyes are just an abyss to stare in. When I do stare at her she gets all self concious and asks what I'm staring at. I say my beautiful wife. She goes where? I used to not give up on that but she has been putting me down that way for so long I have shut down a lot myself.

 

While I'm not sure swinging is the way to go it's an option I have been exploring. To fulfill a need for me and possibly help her feel wanted and attractive. Personally I have no issue with her with another woman. With another man the more I think about this idea I read a lot about boundaries and limits and how others respect the same. I want her to feel beauty in herself. I want her to know what I see when other people see her the same way. If our marriage has survived the emotional trauma and stress the last 2 years have dumped on us I feel confident that it won't cause problems of feelings. We gave a child together and she doesn't ever want to see us fail. She has expressed many times that she is afraid of me picking up and leaving (due to my filing stated above) My perspective has changed from jealousy to seeing her feel good about her beauty.

 

Any advice would be great.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

A successful relationship requires the same thing that couples who swing have: love, trust, communication. All three are needed and in abundance. If all three aren't there, it just isn't going to work. Swinging will not repair a damaged relationship, it will actually most likely destroy it. Work on fixing the relationship first before you think of going down this road. You can use some of it (in talking about fantasies) so help open the communication, but that's all the further I would recommend until things improve for the two of you. We wish you both luck and are still here if you have more questions or are looking for for help.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

A successful relationship requires the same thing that couples who swing have: love, trust, communication. All three are needed and in abundance. If all three aren't there, it just isn't going to work. Swinging will not repair a damaged relationship, it will actually most likely destroy it. Work on fixing the relationship first before you think of going down this road. You can use some of it (in talking about fantasies) so help open the communication, but that's all the further I would recommend until things improve for the two of you. We wish you both luck and are still here if you have more questions or are looking for for help.

 

I have to agree with this a lot and GoldCoCouple helped when I was having issuea a while back, as well as many others here.

 

My wife had some similar problems with her body image, but we never felt that our communication lacked. We had talked about the lifestyle before and felt like we were ready for it. We created a profile online and posted some pics. Some of the responses we got to her pics did wonders for her self-image though. We talked and talked and chatted with couples and went out on a date and ended up playing. That nearly tore us apart, and we thought we did communicate well. I can only imagine what it would do to a couple who already realizes they don't communicate well. Communication and trust are the real keys here, and even if you think you have it, you may not. You don't even think you have it, so you may want to tackle those issues before moving in to anything like this.

[Marriedcurious 16]

A successful relationship requires the same thing that couples who swing have: love, trust, communication. All three are needed and in abundance. If all three aren't there, it just isn't going to work. Swinging will not repair a damaged relationship, it will actually most likely destroy it. Work on fixing the relationship first before you think of going down this road. You can use some of it (in talking about fantasies) so help open the communication, but that's all the further I would recommend until things improve for the two of you. We wish you both luck and are still here if you have more questions or are looking for for help.

 

I agree that we need all 3. Communication has been one of the biggest issues with us. Trust is there other than trauma based concerns and love is certainly there.

 

I was considering baby steps....just going to one as a couple but not to participate just enjoy the atmosphere. Maybe it will help her feel loved and appreciated if others approach. If she feels good about herself she opens up more. Catch 22 with what you are saying. Just a hard egg to crack to get to want to go out as she does have social anxiety issues.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Welcome! It's good that you are giving careful consideration before jumping in.

 

In my opinion the two of you are not in a place to swing. Swinging is not all fun and hot times. Everyone runs into some issues along the way. It will expose the cracks in your relationship when a relationship seems as smooth as glass. You already know that your marriage needs work and your wife is not in the best place emotionally. Swinging has the real possibility of shredding her and your marriage.

 

I would work on loving and caring for each other and your family. Have fun and adventures together with out involving other people.

[Tahoecple 319]

First, I see this is your first post, welcome to the board. Second, let me tell you a little about myself, if you ask a question, I will tell you what I think and not necessarily, what I think you just want to hear. With that being said let me say, that the first thing to know about swinging is that it doesn’t cure problems in a marriage, and in most cases will just exasperate existing problems.

 

I wouldn’t advise anybody with relationship problems in their marriage to explore the lifestyle until and unless those existing problems are rectified. The first requirement would be an open and honest line of communication between both parties. If either of you, are reluctant or refuse to express your feelings and desires with the other verbally, there are going to be major problems when those feelings and desires reveal themselves when you engage in lifestyle activities.

 

I think long-term success in the lifestyle requires both members of the relationship to focus on the other member of the relationship. Everybody has fantasies and desires, if both parties focus on fulfilling the fantasies and desires of the other without hesitation is the key, in my mind to success in the lifestyle. The lifestyle can’t be a one-way street, if both members of the relationship aren’t rewarded by the experience, then the experience is a failure. It is through communication that you establish the boundaries that you are both comfortable in fulfilling the fantasies for the other.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

We agree completely with the consensus of other posts on this.

What we can say though, is if all the components are there to make a solid relationship, going to a swing club is a decent way to help build your self esteem about your physical appearance, at least is did for us, even if it was just for a small time period (just like anything, you forget the little boosts you get to your self esteem, even if it is someone just saying 'you look nice today' at work).

What we mean by this i that the first time we went to a club, we were so afraid that we would be 'the ugly, old, out of place couple.

What we found out was that hey, we aren't getting calls to do modeling, but we are at least average (maybe even a little above average) in the physical shape and looks department. This was not that we were judging or having a beauty competition as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we left with a much more realistic view of our physical appearances as they relate to general society.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I see no issue here of body image. What I read in your message are all of the things that you want. The question in my mind is what might your wife want. A person who gets into swing must have their own reasons for wanting to get into it. Furthermore, if she agreed to do something for the single reason of pleasing you, the ride would not last long. Best to drop the subject for a while. Who knows. She might bring the question to you some day.

[Marriedcurious 16]

I see no issue here of body image. What I read in your message are all of the things that you want. The question in my mind is what might your wife want. A person who gets into swing must have their own reasons for wanting to get into it. Furthermore, if she agreed to do something for the single reason of pleasing you, the ride would not last long. Best to drop the subject for a while. Who knows. She might bring the question to you some day.

 

Body image is just one issue. It's actually a big issue. Just between us she has body issues and I never bring anything up regarding that.

And I totally do not want to do it if she doesn't. She is very submissive when it comes to what I want. But I don't like it much because I want her input on everything possible.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Swinging is a magnifying glass: it can make a great relationship grow even larger, but at the same time, if there are any problems in the relationship, you can (and probably will) very easily and quickly get burned.