The good, the bad, and the ugly

[Girlygirl 20]

First, we have been swinging for 5 years and NEVER had such an experience before. We go to 2-3 parties a year (and don't always play at each party or sometimes just play with each other at the party), and have encounters maybe once every 3-4 months, usually with the same FWB.

 

I had a situation at a party where there were only a few couples (like 3-4) who attended this party. We attended our first party at this place about 6 months prior and there were probably about 20-25 couples then. At the first party, Mr. Host was a bit forward with me, saying he wanted to get me in the bedroom and telling me how beautiful I was. He wouldn't let it go. I wasn't interested because he seemed to be having sex with several ladies at the party and his compliments seemed so shallow and designed to just get me to go to bed with him.

 

Before we got to the most recent party (which the couple had regularly, but only our second time to go), I told my husband not to leave me in the room alone with Mr. Host because I did not want to be pressured by him. We were hanging outside with the other couples. I went inside to go to the bathroom. When I walked out of the bathroom, Mr. Host grabbed my hand and said he wanted to show me something. He pulled me into a bedroom and locked the door. I told him "no" and "not now". He proceeded to start undressing me. Again, I said no and tried to push his hand away and rezip my pants. He kept grabbing my hands and holding them behind my back, continuing to undress me. At some point, I finally said "at least use a condom". He pushed me on the bed, held me down with his hand on my jaw and then on my neck. I am not into being a submissive (or any role play). He had this glazed look and started saying nasty things to me, like "Tell me you want me, bitch." And "Tell me you like it hard, bitch." And "Whore, beg me for it." I was afraid and decided the best thing was to just go along with it and get it over with. I did as he said, half afraid that he might just smack me (which he didn't in the face, but did in the rear and I do not like being spanked). He came with me on my back. After I thought he was done, I got up to grab my clothes, and he pushed me back onto the bed where I was bent over. He came again, the whole time telling me what a nice ass I had, and spanking it, even after I asked him to stop. I felt humiliated, like a piece of trash. I hated myself for not being more forceful in my "no". I had tried to be nice since he was the host when I first said, "Not now". And worst of all, I asked myself, "What did you expect?" I knew he was trouble and fell for the "let me show you something." I've been in this LS for a while and should not have been so stupidly naive.

 

When the ordeal was over and I got up to get dressed the second time, I noticed the used condom on the night stand. He told me what a beautiful ass I had and how good the sex was. I just grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom. I got dressed and cried. I finally gained composure and went outside. My husband was talking to a couple, so I did not immediately tell him what happened. But within 5 minutes, he was asking what was wrong. I whispered to him a shortened version of what happened. By then, the host was doing another girl in the same bedroom. We left. My husband called Mrs. Host (he did not have Mr. Host's phone number), who only said she was sorry. My husband said I should have screamed if I needed to. I guess I was trying to be polite and not make a scene. Shortly thereafter, their profile said they were taking a break from the lifestyle (some other FWB told us, as we had blocked them).

 

I do not know if he had the condom on the whole time, or if Mr. Host conveniently took it off prior to finishing up. Two months after the party, I thought I had a yeast infection. Turns out it was chlamydia and gonorrhea. I cannot tell you if the std's were spread with or without using a condom. The only STD I've ever had was many years ago and was HPV (not the genital warts type, but the "linked to cancer" type) that was likely from when I was 19, which is before the monogamous relationship with my husband. My husband and I have been monogamous with each other for 20 years before diving into swinging.

 

At this point, I do not know if I want to return to swinging. We are clean. I know my husband enjoys swinging, and I like seeing my husband pleased. He's a little more casual about the STDs, saying that it happens. To me, it's a bigger deal. I am glad it wasn't HIV or Hepatitis. I thought we were careful (condoms) and selective. I do not KNOW for certain if the STD came from Mr. Host. We do not have their contact info anymore. I NEVER want to be in a position where I feel helpless and afraid of the guy on top of me. I can't get over feeling like I have no reason to complain...I mean, I DO choose to have sex with other men. If I so willingly give my body over to other men, why should it bother me that someone took advantage of me? I hate drama, and part of me wants to forget it and stop bringing up the drama internally.

 

Has anyone ever had a similar experience? If so, how did you get over it?

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

I have no answers for you. Unless you know the other people that attend the parties and tell them what happened.

[PSULioness 859]

Sounds pretty much like rape and if he knew he had an std, I am pretty sure you should tell the others.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

Mr. Host sounds like a real scumbag, and his wife is a fool for letting him act that way. And no, swinging is not giving yourself up to other people freely, in our opinion anyway. It is no different than in a vanilla dating scenario. If it had been just you and him on a first or second date, and you told him no, that is stepping over legal boundaries, regardless of if you have given yourself to other men/people. That is one of our big fears as well, that even though everyone says 'no means no' will it be honored? Your husband was much more cool about it than He would have been, he would have been looking for his own physical gratification with the guy, just not in a sexual way. We don't like physical altercations, but in this case it sounds like it would have been justified.

[katcha 28]

Mr. Host sounds like a real scumbag, and his wife is a fool for letting him act that way. And no, swinging is not giving yourself up to other people freely, in our opinion anyway. It is no different than in a vanilla dating scenario. If it had been just you and him on a first or second date, and you told him no, that is stepping over legal boundaries, regardless of if you have given yourself to other men/people. That is one of our big fears as well, that even though everyone says 'no means no' will it be honored? Your husband was much more cool about it than He would have been, he would have been looking for his own physical gratification with the guy, just not in a sexual way. We don't like physical altercations, but in this case it sounds like it would have been justified.

 

This^^^^^ and perhaps a positive experience would help you get back in the 'swing' of things. Pun intended.

 

It may be worth making sure you and hubby stick close together the next few events.

 

C

[padoc 1,703]

The guy is a predator and you are a victim. I am sorry for you, it shouldn't have happened. I'm also disappointed in your husband. He let you down when you asked him to stay close. This incident didn't take a minute or two, he took his time. Your husband should have scanned the room for you AND the host, when he didn't see you he should have gone looking. Had he done so, he could have protected you (a husband's PRIME obligation, particularly in this hobby). After you told him the abridged version, he should have asked for details and then he should have de-nutted the host. "Telling on him" to his wife is a cowardly way out. None of this is your fault. That being said, I don't think swinging is for you two because you obviously can't count on your husband to put your comfort and safety ahead of his social activities. Good luck and again, I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Sounds pretty much like rape and if he knew he had an std, I am pretty sure you should tell the others.

 

I'm fairly certain there is no "pretty much" about it. That was rape.

 

Girlygirl, I am heartily sorry that this happened to you. I would encourage you to seek counseling for trauma. There are people who can help you.

[adamgunn 1,460]

He was indeed a real scumbag, and I agree that you should have screamed, "Rape!" rather than allow that terrible thing to happen to you. I am so sorry for you.

 

Immediately, I'd let everyone you know in the Lifestyle know what happened. The fact that at the first party there were 20 or more couples and then there were a lot less indicates that there's a problem here. Sunshine is the best disinfectant.

 

You asked, "How do you get over it?" I wish I knew. You've gone through a trauma. First, I wouldn't do anything else in the Lifestyle until you feel good about it. You may have to quit altogether, regardless of your husband's desire. You may need to go to counseling.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm so sorry you had this experience, and for the record, no, we have not encountered anything even remotely like that. With a few exceptions of a couple of single males, everyone we have encountered in the Lifestyle has been super nice and respectful. Even those exceptions were relatively minor instances of guys being too forward and too quick with wanting some touchy-feely on the dance floor, but no more than can and does happen in any bar. Not trying to excuse or downplay it, just saying it's in no way exclusive to swinging, asshole is asshole no matter where you run into them.

 

Which leads me to my next point, I agree this guy is a predator and is using swinging and his wife as cover for that...predator is predator no matter where you run into them. So, please don't blame yourself in that since you are a swinger, this should have been expected. That is totally not the case.

 

I won't get into what you could or should have done differently. I wasn't there, and when faced with such an almost surreal situation like that, you make decisions on the fly to try to make it through that moment in time to get to the next moment when it's decision time again on how to get to the next moment.

 

I will also stick up for your husband a little bit. From the way you described it, you were like "that guy comes on too strong, help me keep him shoo'd off" not "I think that guy is a rapist". We are both very protective on one another, but given that first scenario, if Mrs. cplnuswing excused herself to the bathroom at a party but then wasn't back in exactly the minimum amount of time I thought that should take, then I wouldn't think twice about it. We're at a party, we've been there before. I would simply expect she was socializing with someone inside, had come outside when I wasn't looking and was somewhere in the group, or whatever. At some point, whether that was 10 minutes, 15 minutes, or whatever, then yes, I would start wondering and go looking for her, but I can't say there is any hard and fast rule on that. Part of swinging is getting to flirt and express yourself sexually both individually and as a couple. I don't think anyone would like to be socializing and flirting with a new friend and then their spouse comes charging up with that "where the hell have you been?" look on their face. I've seen that happen, and it's not a good fit with a swingers party.

 

I guess the short way of saying this is who the hell goes to a swinger party and expects to sexually assaulted? No one, or no one that is actually familiar with the swinger community. It just doesn't enter your mind. That's why you shouldn't blame yourself.

 

The STD thing, yes, it can and does happen. May have been him, may not. Either way, the problem got solved, it's over and done, so just try to put it behind you. The larger issue of how you put the incident with the other husband behind you, I don't know, I think only you can really answer that question. I can't tell you how we would get over it, because until you are there on something like that, I just don't think you are really qualified to say, plus, and it's a big plus, everyone is different in how they deal with things. I'll just say this though, whether it's struggling through a final exam back in college, or facing a thorny problem real life problem now, in my experience, your first answer is usually your best answer.

[njbm 2,881]

What he did to you was rape. If this happened to us, we would strongly consider retiring from swinging. Sometimes you get a tap on the shoulder, sometimes you get a punch in the face. Fortunately, the STD is curable, but this guy is a predator. Be well and know that the vast majority of swingers are kind, loving and respectful. I am sorry that this happened to you!

[Scaredstiff 129]

It can't be rape if she asked him to use a condom, take that sentence out of the conversation and yeah it's rape.

 

Don't take that as a lack of sympathy on my part , just stating facts, I found this story quite a hard read, horrific really, it made me so angry and I can't begin to imagine how you and your husband must be feeling.

 

I hope you both find a way to put this behind you

[findinganswers 369]

The question is why are you going back to a party if the host is a creep.

[Girlygirl 20]

Thank you to all who have posted. I appreciate the perspective. At this point, I do not think it matters if you call it rape or a bad decision or whatever other label you want to put on it. The guy should have listened the first time I said no. And certainly by the third and fourth times I said no, he knew I was not consenting. Alcohol was not a factor in my reaction....had not yet started to drink anything. Why didn't I scream or kick him in the nuts? I cannot say. It was all surreal, in slow motion, but you are trying to think two steps ahead to get out of the situation. The reason why I told him to put a condom on is that I wanted to protect myself from physical harm like HIV.

 

I stick up for my husband because he did not know that Mr. Host went into the house after I went in to go to the bathroom. He thought I stopped to talk to someone. He did not intentionally "leave" me somewhere by myself. It was me who left my husband to go to the bathroom. If I thought it was so "unsafe" as to need an escort to the bathroom, I would never have gone to the party in the first place. And as to why I would go back to a party if I thought the guy was a creep....I NEVER thought he would have done what he did. Hell no, I would not have gone back if I thought he was a creep and would not respect a "no". I am not attracted to a guy who just wants to see how many notches he can get on his dance card. I also do not like it when a guy keeps making comments, innuendos, and false compliments to try to get you to go in the bedroom with him. He tried to pressure women at the first party, including me, and I just said I wasn't interested and went to another area of the party. Mr. Host found other women to play with at party 1 and quit trying to lure me into the bedroom. I only told my husband to not leave me alone in the same room with Mr. Host because I found his forward compliments and talk uncomfortable. After party 1, I thought of Mr. Host as forward and likely that way due to too much alcohol, but I did not think of him as creepy.

 

As for the STDs, I know when I had clean labs. I know that four months later, this incident happened. A month after the incident, I started having small discomfort that got worse. I tried OTC meds. I was pretty shocked when it turned out not to be a yeast infection but TWO STD's. Technically, I could have been exposed and contagious right after my checkup with clean labs, since STD's can live in your body asymptotically. So, I felt it was my duty, though EXTREMELY embarrassing, to contact our two sets of FWB to tell them to get checked out because I had no way of truly knowing when exposure occurred. Both couples were tested and were clean. That is why the likelihood of Mr. Host being the one who gave it to me is very high. And now, after a week of doxycyclene, a rosefin injection, and a large dose of z-pack all taken about a month ago, initial test results show that I still have some sort of infection going on...should have cultures back tomorrow or Monday. And yes, my husband was treated with same treatment (his 2-week labs show he was clean) and we waited the prescribed time before resuming sexual activity with each other. Am I bitter? Yes, to the asshole who I think gave me the infection.

 

The fact that no one has yet to say, "A similar situation happened to me" and tell me "this is what I did to work through it" or "yes, I felt on some basic level like I deserved it too" just goes to show something I already knew. This situation is rare in the LS community. Most people are very respectful and do not take pleasure in pushing their way onto someone who says "no". I am not new to the LS. We have been to many parties, we have attended clubs a time or two, and NEVER saw anything remotely like this. I am not a girl who leads a guy on and changes her mind. I am not a girl who gets easily offended or makes up drama. The night of the party, I lost a part of myself.

 

Yes, I've got to work through this somehow. On a deeper level, a small part of me does think I deserved it because I did not do everything I could have to get out of the situation (scream, kick). I need to get past that...I cannot change what happened but can change how it affects me. As for the LS, not sure I will be able to go back.

[katcha 28]

Girlygirl said:

On a deeper level, a small part of me does think I deserved it because I did not do everything I could have to get out of the situation (scream, kick). I need to get past that...

 

Try to remember you did NOT deserve this in any way.....easy for me to say, but please try.

[padoc 1,703]

Girly, I was a detective and worked vice, narcotics and sex crimes. I know the description of a rape when I hear it and your story fits it perfectly. Every rape victim I ever interviewed ask herself exactly the same questions you are. There are things you will never forget about this terribly traumatic experience which was compounded by the stds. Houston is a huge metro area and I'm certain there is more than one rape crisis hotline and/or many groups dedicated to assisting rape victims. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that you should seek counseling. Otherwise, this guy and this incident will haunt you and your marriage in ways you've yet to imagine. Please take my advice and talk to someone qualified to help ease your pain.

 

On another note, similar things HAVE happened in swinging situations in our experience but by and large, this is a VERY rare occurrence among swingers.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

On a deeper level, a small part of me does think I deserved it because I did not do everything I could have to get out of the situation (scream, kick). I need to get past that...

 

It is important to remember that - no, you did not deserve it.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault or your husband's. It doesn't matter that you are a swinger.

 

I would suggest you check out this website and talk with a counselor: https://centers.rainn.org/

 

I feel for you and wish you the best.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

At this point, I do not think it matters if you call it rape or a bad decision or whatever other label you want to put on it. The guy should have listened the first time I said no. And certainly by the third and fourth times I said no, he knew I was not consenting.

 

You are correct, be sure you listen to your own words as well. No MEANS NO! Asking him to use a condom is NOT CONSENT. Where I work, we are always undergoing training including sexual harassment (just went through the training last week) and they specifically point out that asking someone to wear a condom IS NOT CONSENT (especially after repetitively saying no).

 

On a deeper level, a small part of me does think I deserved it because I did not do everything I could have to get out of the situation

 

You did exactly what you needed to do at the time and you did NOTHING WRONG. You did not deserve this or 'ask for it' or anything else. This man is a predator and looks for women that he can abuse. This is NOT something that the L/S condones or allows...this is not something that ANYONE condones or allows. You are NOT at fault in the slightest bit. We are SO VERY SORRY that you are having to undergo this terrible situation and wish you the best in overcoming (or at least coming to terms with it).

 

What you can (and should) do now is to make sure that everyone (especially others who attended their parties) knows what kind of person this man is (I'm sure that there are more victims than just you) and that he has STD's (so others can get checked). Even though they 'are taking a break', it doesn't mean they won't start up again tomorrow (or are still active but just on another website). Others need to be warned so that this won't happen again to someone else. Men like this can only continue what they do when others remain silent. Don't allow him to stay in the dark.

 

As for the LS, not sure I will be able to go back.

 

Not surprising at all. If you want to continue talking here (and we hope you do), by all means do, but you should probably also think about seeing someone who can specifically help you get through what you are experiencing. You have our sympathy and prayers. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

This is a pretty crappy situation. I agree that some counseling may be in order. But above all, this is NOT your fault, and we hope that you didn't take our earlier post as a knock on your husband for not doing something immediately, as that is not the case. he has way more restraint than the him of this couple does. He would have made quite a scene.

 

Which brings up a question. If a situation like this did happen, and someone called the perpetrator (or predator) out on it in front of everyone, would most of the other people see this as bad form/etiquette, or would they stand behind the person doing the calling out?

 

As a side note, and of course hind sight is 20/20. The first party was loaded with people, the second only had 4-5 couples. Perhaps that second party attendance was because of the host's behavior at the first party. But who really knows.

[padoc 1,703]

@sweetnspeed, Does it really matter if other people see calling out a predator as a breach of etiquette??? Rape is the ultimate breach of etiquette! In some instances there is a gray area where right and wrong gets a bit blurred. In my experience, there is no gray area when it comes to a sexual assault. You stand up for the victim and call out or take down the bad guy. Who cares if others support you doing what's right???

[Guest FunintheSnow]

It can't be rape if she asked him to use a condom, take that sentence out of the conversation and yeah it's rape.

Don't take that as a lack of sympathy on my part , just stating facts

 

No, this is not a fact. If a pregnant woman gets raped and says, "Please just don't hurt the baby," is that consent? Asking your rapist to minimize the physical damage done is not consent. No consent OR a compromised ability to consent equals rape--in the US, at least.

[JM153 346]

Scaredstiff As a matter of law you are wrong. As far as the law is concerned a woman can say yes and then even after intercourse has begun change her mind and demand he stop and his failure to do so turns what was consensual into rape.

 

Girly, as to your feelings of guilt, while normal, are misplaced. YOU are not guilty of anything and there is no reason to blame yourself. It is common for woman to do so when a man makes an unwanted advance, much less an actual assault. But it is not their fault. Your body belongs to you and only you have the right to say who may share it. As others have said please find a counselor who has experience in treating trauma victims. Personally I would look for a sex therapist that treats trauma victims. We wish you the best.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Scaredstiff As a matter of law you are wrong. As far as the law is concerned a woman can say yes and then even after intercourse has begun change her mind and demand he stop and his failure to do so turns what was consensual into rape.

 

Girly, as to your feelings of guilt, while normal, are misplaced. YOU are not guilty of anything and there is no reason to blame yourself. It is common for woman to do so when a man makes an unwanted advance, much less an actual assault. But it is not their fault. Your body belongs to you and only you have the right to say who may share it. As others have said please find a counselor who has experience in treating trauma victims. Personally I would look for a sex therapist that treats trauma victims. We wish you the best.

 

According to the original post she didn't ask him to stop once things got started, but anyway it was not my intention to start a debate on what is or isn't rape, the op doesn't seem interested in bringing justice to the guy but just to get past the bad experience.

 

My heart goes out to the both of them for sure, and I honestly don't know how I would cope in that situation , breaking the guys legs would be a start but I'm aware of how juvenile that sounds

[Guest FunintheSnow]

According to the original post she didn't ask him to stop once things got started, but anyway it was not my intention to start a debate on what is or isn't rape, the op doesn't seem interested in bringing justice to the guy but just to get past the bad experience.

 

I'm sorry, Girly, to hijack your thread, but this kind of misinformation must be addressed. ScaredStiff, I am glad you have indicated you will stop giving your erroneous opinion of what she could have done differently to make it "count" as rape. The more of this misinformation that's out there, the more men get away with rape. Please don't contribute to the problem.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I'm sorry, Girly, to hijack your thread, but this kind of misinformation must be addressed. ScaredStiff, I am glad you have indicated you will stop giving your erroneous opinion of what she could have done differently to make it "count" as rape. The more of this misinformation that's out there, the more men get away with rape. Please don't contribute to the problem.

That's how it works in the uk so my opinion is not wrong, not sure why you're trying to turn the thread into a whipping session for me but if that's your aim go ahead I can take it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

 

There, that's taken care of, lets get back to the topic at hand.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

PaDoc, we weren't saying that it matter, we were just curious about how that would go down in that environment. We would still call them out regardless of what other people think, and support someone else calling out on such a serious situation.

We posed the question because, at this point, we are still standing around the pool and waiting (or deciding) to dip our toes in, so we don't have much LS experience, especially when it comes to LS House Parties.

 

We agree with G couple, back to the topic at hand.

[Tikiandclown 42]

I would have killed the motherfucker.

We are so sorry this happened to you.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Glad you find misinformation about rape so amusing, GoldCoCouple.

 

ScaredStiff, I have no interest in you personally. I object to the misinformation you insist on spreading. If women think that something that IS rape "doesn't count" as rape, they will be less likely to report it and the rapist will go on to repeat the crime. If men think that something that IS rape "doesn't count" as rape, they are more likely to do it. You appear determined to bring about both these circumstances.

 

I spent three years in the UK at uni. I also spent five minutes Googling the current law. If you'd done the same, you'd find this:

 

Rape and consent: What you need to know before you have sex | The Independent.

 

The article includes this information:

 

'According to section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003, someone consents when she or he "agrees by choice…and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice."

 

That’s a clear definition.

 

And there are some equally clear examples of when someone doesn’t have "freedom" or "capacity" to agree by choice or to "consent".

 

For example: if someone is under the age of 16, they don’t legally have the capacity to consent to sex. If someone is asleep or unconscious, they don’t have the capacity to consent. If they’ve been kidnapped or held against their will, they don’t have the freedom to consent.'

 

But don't worry, I won't be around either to annoy you or to amuse GoldCoCouple anymore. I have no interest in participating in a site where posts that indirectly encourage rape are tolerated and objections are slighted by well-established members.

[mphil17 35]

When rape is excused, marginalized, or normalized it furthers rape culture and makes it that much more difficult for women (and men) to be taken seriously when they do report it. That includes ignorance regarding rape and sexual fantasies making rape erotic. Rape is not erotic or sexy; it is terrifying and violent.

 

Asking a rapist to use a condom to protect against disease does not equal consent. If the rapist refuses and does not use a condom, would it still be consent? No, that's ridiculous, that means the rapist can choose whether or not it is rape by whether or not he complies with the request to use a condom.

[Scaredstiff 129]

FunintheSnow said:

Glad you find misinformation about rape so amusing, GoldCoCouple.

 

ScaredStiff, I have no interest in you personally. I object to the misinformation you insist on spreading. If women think that something that IS rape "doesn't count" as rape, they will be less likely to report it and the rapist will go on to repeat the crime. If men think that something that IS rape "doesn't count" as rape, they are more likely to do it. You appear determined to bring about both these circumstances.

 

I spent three years in the UK at uni. I also spent five minutes Googling the current law. If you'd done the same, you'd find this:

 

Rape and consent: What you need to know before you have sex | The Independent.

 

The article includes this information:

 

'According to section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003, someone consents when she or he "agrees by choice…and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice."

 

That’s a clear definition.

 

And there are some equally clear examples of when someone doesn’t have "freedom" or "capacity" to agree by choice or to "consent".

 

For example: if someone is under the age of 16, they don’t legally have the capacity to consent to sex. If someone is asleep or unconscious, they don’t have the capacity to consent. If they’ve been kidnapped or held against their will, they don’t have the freedom to consent.'

 

But don't worry, I won't be around either to annoy you or to amuse GoldCoCouple anymore. I have no interest in participating in a site where posts that indirectly encourage rape are tolerated and objections are slighted by well-established members.

 

I take offense to your post

 

To suggest I am encouraging rape is ridiculous

 

If you really are leaving the site , good riddance

[cplnuswing 4,713]

This is obviously a very sensitive subject, as it should be. But, one only has to read the headlines to know that if the justice system and society at large hasn't yet come with a hard and fast black and white answer that gets interpreted the same by every single person each and every time, then I don't think we are going to do it here on a swingers message board either.

 

This topic is germane to situation the original poster sought input on, so we have let this discussion continue further than we normally might have even though it is obvious that tempers are rising. Germane doesn't mean all-consuming though, so if anyone wants to focus on talking about "What is rape in a swinging context?" then go start a thread on the subject, and let's all give the original poster the courtesy of not using her difficult situation and post as a continuing opportunity to do some online lawyering back and forth and in the process everyone just getting madder and madder that they can't convince the others to see things the way they are seeing them...the internet is full of that, but this site isn't, so let's keep it that way.

[Scaredstiff 129]

This was exactly my intention with my first comment on this post, the original thread was asking for help with moving on after a bad experience, the question wasn't "is this rape".

 

So when I see every post saying the same thing , that it is rape, I felt the original posters situation was being worsened by the gravity and severity of what has happened, and harder to move on.

 

She is not seeking justice through the legal system , she is looking for advice and help from people who may have had a similar experience.

I think we can say beyond doubt that we all feel deep sympathy for the lady in question.

 

I'm sorry that my posts have caused offense, never my intention.

[Girlygirl 20]

Yes, this topic is sensitive. And yes, it took on a direction that I never intended. My purpose was to search for someone who had been through a similar situation and get advice. I did get some good advice about therapy and stepping out of LS for a while (or maybe forever), and especially validation that it wasn't my fault (as that small voice.inside still screams that I could have done more to fight him off).

 

I do not think anyone was marginalizing or condoning the guy's behavior.

 

Whether or not it met legal requirements for rape is not really the issue. I am not dragging my family into a he said/she said legal battle. I have warned the people I know and cannot take on the responsibility of ruining my life even further by taking this into a court room, with no real evidence besides my memory and account of things.

[Scaredstiff 129]

As with any kind of bad experience, the gift of hindsight can be a torturous thing that leaves us asking questions like "should I have done this" or "if only I hadn't done that", try not to beat yourself up over things you could have or shouldn't have done, that other man was the problem and without him there was no issue. You have been a victim here but if you do venture into the lifestyle again maybe put more things in place to ensure your safety. Whether that's smaller meets with people you trust or maybe more social time to get to know other couples better, I'm guessing you both have ideas on what you might do differently , if swinging is something you've both enjoyed together then don't let that horrible man rob you of that , but also take as long as you need

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

The question originally asked wasn't "is this rape", but someone wanting advice and input about something that happened to them.

 

At this point, I do not think it matters if you call it rape or a bad decision or whatever other label you want to put on it. The guy should have listened the first time I said no. And certainly by the third and fourth times I said no, he knew I was not consenting.

 

Whether or not it met legal requirements for rape is not really the issue.

 

Personally, I would have killed the guy as well, but that wasn't the question asked either. Instead, we were trying to give advice to someone asking for advice, not if they were raped or not. I don't find ANYTHING about rape 'amusing'. It disgusts me. However, there are also a large number of rapes that go unreported because people don't want to have the stigma applied to them. This wasn't and isn't a conversation about rape, it's about someone who had something very bad happen to them and wanting to find help, support and answers. That's what we are trying to provide to anyone and everyone who comes here. If we offended you by not promoting your agenda, we apologize. In the mean time, I would rather keep this thread directed to offering support, advise and sympathy to someone that was hurt by the actions of another. I don't feel that this needs to be addressed again.

 

Now, back to the topic at hand. We continue to offer Girlygirl any help that we can. Our best wishes are with you.

[Eddiem 139]

Our good was her never ending sexual experiences... doing stuff we would never do at home. Bad was being preyed on by a predator at a club and ugly was the number of "much older" people at a party we attended once. They were not only older, but super overweight and many smelled. No action that nite.

[Madamekingsway 16]

First, we have been swinging for 5 years and NEVER had such an experience before. We go to 2-3 parties a year (and don't always play at each party or sometimes just play with each other at the party), and have encounters maybe once every 3-4 months, usually with the same FWB.

 

I had a situation at a party where there were only a few couples (like 3-4) who attended this party. We attended our first party at this place about 6 months prior and there were probably about 20-25 couples then. At the first party, Mr. Host was a bit forward with me, saying he wanted to get me in the bedroom and telling me how beautiful I was. He wouldn't let it go. I wasn't interested because he seemed to be having sex with several ladies at the party and his compliments seemed so shallow and designed to just get me to go to bed with him.

 

Before we got to the most recent party (which the couple had regularly, but only our second time to go), I told my husband not to leave me in the room alone with Mr. Host because I did not want to be pressured by him. We were hanging outside with the other couples. I went inside to go to the bathroom. When I walked out of the bathroom, Mr. Host grabbed my hand and said he wanted to show me something. He pulled me into a bedroom and locked the door. I told him "no" and "not now". He proceeded to start undressing me. Again, I said no and tried to push his hand away and rezip my pants. He kept grabbing my hands and holding them behind my back, continuing to undress me. At some point, I finally said "at least use a condom". He pushed me on the bed, held me down with his hand on my jaw and then on my neck. I am not into being a submissive (or any role play). He had this glazed look and started saying nasty things to me, like "Tell me you want me, bitch." And "Tell me you like it hard, bitch." And "Whore, beg me for it." I was afraid and decided the best thing was to just go along with it and get it over with. I did as he said, half afraid that he might just smack me (which he didn't in the face, but did in the rear and I do not like being spanked). He came with me on my back. After I thought he was done, I got up to grab my clothes, and he pushed me back onto the bed where I was bent over. He came again, the whole time telling me what a nice ass I had, and spanking it, even after I asked him to stop. I felt humiliated, like a piece of trash. I hated myself for not being more forceful in my "no". I had tried to be nice since he was the host when I first said, "Not now". And worst of all, I asked myself, "What did you expect?" I knew he was trouble and fell for the "let me show you something." I've been in this LS for a while and should not have been so stupidly naive.

 

When the ordeal was over and I got up to get dressed the second time, I noticed the used condom on the night stand. He told me what a beautiful ass I had and how good the sex was. I just grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom. I got dressed and cried. I finally gained composure and went outside. My husband was talking to a couple, so I did not immediately tell him what happened. But within 5 minutes, he was asking what was wrong. I whispered to him a shortened version of what happened. By then, the host was doing another girl in the same bedroom. We left. My husband called Mrs. Host (he did not have Mr. Host's phone number), who only said she was sorry. My husband said I should have screamed if I needed to. I guess I was trying to be polite and not make a scene. Shortly thereafter, their profile said they were taking a break from the lifestyle (some other FWB told us, as we had blocked them).

 

I do not know if he had the condom on the whole time, or if Mr. Host conveniently took it off prior to finishing up. Two months after the party, I thought I had a yeast infection. Turns out it was chlamydia and gonorrhea. I cannot tell you if the std's were spread with or without using a condom. The only STD I've ever had was many years ago and was HPV (not the genital warts type, but the "linked to cancer" type) that was likely from when I was 19, which is before the monogamous relationship with my husband. My husband and I have been monogamous with each other for 20 years before diving into swinging.

 

At this point, I do not know if I want to return to swinging. We are clean. I know my husband enjoys swinging, and I like seeing my husband pleased. He's a little more casual about the STDs, saying that it happens. To me, it's a bigger deal. I am glad it wasn't HIV or Hepatitis. I thought we were careful (condoms) and selective. I do not KNOW for certain if the STD came from Mr. Host. We do not have their contact info anymore. I NEVER want to be in a position where I feel helpless and afraid of the guy on top of me. I can't get over feeling like I have no reason to complain...I mean, I DO choose to have sex with other men. If I so willingly give my body over to other men, why should it bother me that someone took advantage of me? I hate drama, and part of me wants to forget it and stop bringing up the drama internally.

 

Has anyone ever had a similar experience? If so, how did you get over it?

 

Firstly, I am so sorry you experienced this.

 

I am a survivor of rape. I know the feelings you are having. I half heartedly tried to stop my rapist but fear was my main driver and I felt safer to just go along then to stand up for myself.

 

No matter how you label it, it was wrong. You and your rights were violated and you are going to need some time, love, and support to make peace with what happened.

 

I have been sexually assaulted by four different parties. The first my grandfather as a toddler and young child, the second my stepfather as a young teenager, the third my cousin as a teenager and the fourth by a group of men as a young adult. I have seekes justice for the rape by my stepfather. The court process was the hardest thing I ever had to do and he even plead guilty. I never bothered with anyone else because it was just so hard emotionally and I was so fragile for so many years.

 

The assault as a young adult was fueled by alcohol. I was too drunk to consent. I ended up in a situation I would have never agreed to otherwise and I struggled for years blaming myself. But I know in my heart it was wrong. They knew it was wrong too as some things happened after to protect themselves.

 

I hope the best for you and much healing. I’d stay away from swinging for now. Sex was a big trigger for me. I’d have flashbacks all the time. I’d think it would be best to be with your husband if something like that were to happen for you.

 

Feel free to contact me with any questions. I am an open book!

[4iscompany2us 25]

If my wife would have asked me to stay close and keep an eye on her that would have been my number 1 mission. The time it took for her to become a rape victim is way longer than she should have taken to go to the bathroom. He carries nearly as much responsibility as the predator. Plus his casual attitude about the STD is unbelievable

[luvin eye full 140]

So my 2cents worth here - Yes he raped you - So be pissed off as much as you want ( at him only )

 

This last bit of your post tells you alot - lets have a look at it.

"I can't get over feeling like I have no reason to complain...I mean, I DO choose to have sex with other men." Yes and your own words say what - YOU CHOOSE - not you let men choose to have sex with you with out any input or refusal by you.

"If I so willingly give my body over to other men, why should it bother me that someone took advantage of me?" Because when you do give your body over its YOUR CHOICE to do so - not just there's

" I hate drama, and part of me wants to forget it and stop bringing up the drama internally." Look the "drama" is real and you need to go though the emotions of being at the very lest used ( and at worst raped )

 

Many years ago one of my kids who was about 5, went to a family party with her friends and their parents - the parents had the kids all in one room and set them to bed at about 8:30 at night - at around 11pm some pedo went into the room and abused her orally - she was sacred but told the older girls once this pig had left the room ( woke her up and told her ) the older girl got the whole lot of the kids out and to the parents and told the mom - stunned and upset the mom said they needed to leave and half way home told her husband what had happened, drunk and full of rage he went back and nearly kill the pig - we were awoken by the police asking us to come to the station and then found out what had happened .

 

Any way my point is the husband (our friend ) that took our girl with his and that had done everything he thought was right to keep them safe felt like he was to blame because they were in his care. - Well when i got to see him in the morning he was full of tears and was saying sorry to myself for letting it happen - I told him this and it is true for you as well - He did the same as i have done when his kids where with us = He is not to blame the sick mind of one man only is to blame and he must tell himself every time that it comes to his mind ( that it was some how partly his fault )

 

Just as one man thought he could do that to you as well - it was never your fault - be pissed at him if it helps tell the world if that helps but never say to your self again that some how it was your fault because that is just not true.

 

Now that happened 22 years ago and every school holiday i still find myself shaking and upset - so it takes time for everyone.

"

[10thBadger 25]

On 3/1/2017 at 1:42 PM, Girlygirl said:

First, we have been swinging for 5 years and NEVER had such an experience before. We go to 2-3 parties a year (and don't always play at each party or sometimes just play with each other at the party), and have encounters maybe once every 3-4 months, usually with the same FWB.

 

I had a situation at a party where there were only a few couples (like 3-4) who attended this party. We attended our first party at this place about 6 months prior and there were probably about 20-25 couples then. At the first party, Mr. Host was a bit forward with me, saying he wanted to get me in the bedroom and telling me how beautiful I was. He wouldn't let it go. I wasn't interested because he seemed to be having sex with several ladies at the party and his compliments seemed so shallow and designed to just get me to go to bed with him.

 

Before we got to the most recent party (which the couple had regularly, but only our second time to go), I told my husband not to leave me in the room alone with Mr. Host because I did not want to be pressured by him. We were hanging outside with the other couples. I went inside to go to the bathroom. When I walked out of the bathroom, Mr. Host grabbed my hand and said he wanted to show me something. He pulled me into a bedroom and locked the door. I told him "no" and "not now". He proceeded to start undressing me. Again, I said no and tried to push his hand away and rezip my pants. He kept grabbing my hands and holding them behind my back, continuing to undress me. At some point, I finally said "at least use a condom". He pushed me on the bed, held me down with his hand on my jaw and then on my neck. I am not into being a submissive (or any role play). He had this glazed look and started saying nasty things to me, like "Tell me you want me, bitch." And "Tell me you like it hard, bitch." And "Whore, beg me for it." I was afraid and decided the best thing was to just go along with it and get it over with. I did as he said, half afraid that he might just smack me (which he didn't in the face, but did in the rear and I do not like being spanked). He came with me on my back. After I thought he was done, I got up to grab my clothes, and he pushed me back onto the bed where I was bent over. He came again, the whole time telling me what a nice ass I had, and spanking it, even after I asked him to stop. I felt humiliated, like a piece of trash. I hated myself for not being more forceful in my "no". I had tried to be nice since he was the host when I first said, "Not now". And worst of all, I asked myself, "What did you expect?" I knew he was trouble and fell for the "let me show you something." I've been in this LS for a while and should not have been so stupidly naive.

 

When the ordeal was over and I got up to get dressed the second time, I noticed the used condom on the night stand. He told me what a beautiful ass I had and how good the sex was. I just grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom. I got dressed and cried. I finally gained composure and went outside. My husband was talking to a couple, so I did not immediately tell him what happened. But within 5 minutes, he was asking what was wrong. I whispered to him a shortened version of what happened. By then, the host was doing another girl in the same bedroom. We left. My husband called Mrs. Host (he did not have Mr. Host's phone number), who only said she was sorry. My husband said I should have screamed if I needed to. I guess I was trying to be polite and not make a scene. Shortly thereafter, their profile said they were taking a break from the lifestyle (some other FWB told us, as we had blocked them).

 

I do not know if he had the condom on the whole time, or if Mr. Host conveniently took it off prior to finishing up. Two months after the party, I thought I had a yeast infection. Turns out it was chlamydia and gonorrhea. I cannot tell you if the std's were spread with or without using a condom. The only STD I've ever had was many years ago and was HPV (not the genital warts type, but the "linked to cancer" type) that was likely from when I was 19, which is before the monogamous relationship with my husband. My husband and I have been monogamous with each other for 20 years before diving into swinging.

 

At this point, I do not know if I want to return to swinging. We are clean. I know my husband enjoys swinging, and I like seeing my husband pleased. He's a little more casual about the STDs, saying that it happens. To me, it's a bigger deal. I am glad it wasn't HIV or Hepatitis. I thought we were careful (condoms) and selective. I do not KNOW for certain if the STD came from Mr. Host. We do not have their contact info anymore. I NEVER want to be in a position where I feel helpless and afraid of the guy on top of me. I can't get over feeling like I have no reason to complain...I mean, I DO choose to have sex with other men. If I so willingly give my body over to other men, why should it bother me that someone took advantage of me? I hate drama, and part of me wants to forget it and stop bringing up the drama internally.

 

Has anyone ever had a similar experience? If so, how did you get over it?

10thBadger,

 

If my wife told me not to leave her side because she was afraid of somebody there. There would’ve been no way that she would’ve not have told me not to walk her to the bathroom. I would have walked her to the bathroom and make sure I was by her side just to make sure that she felt safe.

 

The fact that this Dude thought it was OK to do that to you is absolutely insane. As your husband, he would not get away with it. He would never confuse me as a southern Baptist preacher because I would be laying hands on him repeatedly. And I definitely would be pounding him at the same time explaining to him why am actually doing it to him and changing the way he looks. Your husband should be furious. He should be going back to the club and meeting up with that Mr. host and doing him ugly.

 

I feel sorry that that happened to you, and my wife is sitting right next to me say oh my God why was the husband that with her. Why did he not go look for her when she was gone after she told him that she was afraid of Mr. host.  Why was he sitting there talking with another couple Another couple and not wondering where his wife was. But I will say that maybe you should have screamed because you were raped. I don’t see any other word that would fit what happened to you with this Mr. host. And Mrs host should be worried about you also because you did call her and she said oh I am sorry. Sorry just wouldn’t be enough.

 

 I feel so sorry that that happened to you, and my wife is sitting there saying This is the worst post that we have read. My wife had something similar happened to her the first time we went to a swingers club and both wives were able to get away from the men and the women that were helping them to try to separate them from my buddy and myself while we were at the bar. But when my wife came back and told me what they tried to do to her in the hallway to get her into the room. I immediately took action and I ended up Holding somebody’s  skull Like a bowling ball and pushing it against the wall.

 

I truly hope that you’re OK and I hope you and your husband have gotten past this.

[Anon321 523]

This is a horrifying story and I am sorry you had to go through that.  You placed yourself in a situation where you were at a party that you've been to before, with a familiar host, several other couples present, your husband attending with you, and you weren't under the influence of any drugs or alcohol.  This is the type of situation where you should be able to feel really safe and the fact that you weren't is troubling.

 

My GF has had a horrible experience like this before but the circumstances were extremely different; it was a party with mostly single guys, I wasn't there, she was heavily intoxicated, etc.  But we've never experienced anything like this with another couple, at a swingers club, with me present, etc., so I would say this is definitely not something someone should have to worry about in the type of setting you were in and I am very sorry you had to go through that and hope you are able to put it behind you.