Children finding out you swing?

[ricndi032903 15]

Just a quick thought on Tarnishhalo's post "Angry about Swinging" and the comment by her about the children finding out, I noticed that only one person caught on and actually addressed that statement, so I figured what the hell, might as well find out ;

 

What would you do if your children discovered you kinky side???

 

(by the way, I'm not talking about finding a toy, like what if your son or daughter saw your profile on their friends computer or came home unexpectedly and walked in on mommy getting it from 2 men??? or daddy muff diving on a woman that wasn't Mommy???? )

 

What would you say??? How would you say it???

 

How would you explain that even though Mommy and Daddy have sex with other people, that their lives (& the kids lives) are still in a secure place???

 

And if you were embarrassed for your children to find out, a feeling of guilt or shame, isn't that your subconscious really trying to tell you something????

 

I am so curious to know how some would sit their kids down and have this type of talk with your children.

[fun_pairTX 26]

Our oldest knows, all the rest live out of state.

[ricndi032903 15]

you said your oldest knows, how old is your oldest and how did he or she find out and how did you explain your choice in this lifestyle and how does the child except your way of living???

 

By the way, I'm not casting any judgement, none at all, just very courious at how this delicate subject would be or is handled as loving parents when or if your children find or found out......

[2SHARE 15]

Originally posted by ricndi032903 ]

 

What would you do if your children discovered you kinky side???

 

My son DID discover it, although he was over the age of 18 at the time but sill living at home. I told him we were going to be having a party at our house and asked him to spend the night at a friend’s house. He was curious and came back home in the middle of a 'pile of people' to get his pillow!! We of course were able to put our clothes back on and be in presentable condition prior to him coming in (we had blocked the front door). He was shocked but also knew he was at fault for what he had seen as he was asked and warned to stay away.

The other thing I want to mention is that I have always had an open relationship with my children. They have always been able to ask me 'hard' questions and get straight answers -- even if the subject was not one I wished to broach. They respect my beliefs because I respect theirs. Simple as that.

 

What would you say??? How would you say it???

 

I was straight with him telling him that we (my hubby is not his father) were swingers. I did not go into detail about it because quiet frankly it is NONE of his business.

 

How would you explain that even though Mommy and Daddy have sex with other people, that their lives (& the kids lives) are still in a secure place???

 

In my opinion, if you are still MOMMY and DADDY to your children then you have NO business having swinging sessions where and when your children can walk in on you. Just plain old stupid if you ask me. :slam"

We have played with other couples when their children are 'in bed' but that is not a given that they won't get out of bed and catch you as one couples we play with kid did. This couple by the way told the 3 year old kid that daddy was just kissing me good nite...then the kid says.........but daddy how comes she hasn't left yet??? Message here is don't do anything that will expose your young kids to something you can't or don't wish to explain.

My question to you would be..... why would the question of security even come up??

 

And if you were embarrassed for your children to find out, a feeling of guilt or shame, isn't that your sub-science really trying to tell you something????

 

I was not embarrassed however others in the group were. My son left as quickly as he showed up so it was pretty easy to smooth things over that night. Now it’s just a standing joke with all of us. The first thing couples ask me is ....WHERE'S J?

 

I am so curious to know how some would sit their kids down and have this type of talk with your children.

 

I would, and did, have a straight talk with them. I discussed it like any other subject that came up. Give them only as much information as they are asking for. Know when to draw the line and tell them that the question they are asking is of a very personal nature that you do not wish to further discuss it. It will all depend upon their ages. Best advice from me is and ounce of prevention is worth a pound of explanation here!!!

 

Deb

[yawanna 17]

oh I think many of us 'caught on'. TH has so many other issues going on that I personally didn't want to get blindsided into more "stuff"... KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetheart).

 

Any responsible parent with small children takes care for them. For example..you don't have drunken parties but you can GO to parties having hired a sitter. Parenting is about being responsible and raising your children to become adults in our society. I don't see swinging issues as any different from any other 'adult' issue you would have to address as a parent.

 

For example...how many have had their child walk into their bedroom while they are having sex with their spouse?

 

How many parents have had their child ask them "what are those two dogs doing to each other?"

 

You tell children things they need to know in an age appropriate manner.

 

You don't expose them to things they cannot emotionally or intellectually handle.

 

We have attended get togethers, like bbq's, with swinger friends, and sometimes at the home of couples with children. Heck, one bbq was 12 kids and 8 adults. I got a headache lol. It's purely social, every adult watches what they say and what they do around the children. We are all friends, too..it's not just sex all the time.

 

In another vein, we know couples whose children are grown and who know their parents participate in swinging. Some couples have lost entire families for doing so, including one local club owner.

 

Generally speaking, a decision to tell children about the parents lifestyle choice is pretty much left up to that family to deal with it as they see fit. Many don't share that information with their children, which I entirely agree with. I don't tell my child about my personal sex life, that would be crossing a line, so why would I share my personal 'kinks' or fetishes or swinging activities? Does the child NEED to know? I say no.

 

If the child finds something nefarious while cruising on your computer, first of all...WHY was the child on your computer?? lol and secondly, they need never be in a position to 'find' you having sex with other people. That's just wrong I think.

 

If questions are asked, or you suspect THEY suspect, I leave it as a private, personal subject and not one I need to discuss with them. If asked, I would elaborate on how adults make their own decisions and there are some things they can look into later on, when they are older. For now, it's personal and end of discussion.

 

 

[OhioCouple 41]

This happened to us not too long ago past. It prompted a lot of changes in both our e-mail addresses and signatures.

 

My youngest arrived here early one day (she lives out of state) and caught me off guard with the Swingers Board front and center on the screen. I immediately and tried to discreetly shut it down by hitting the power button with my foot. However, she is no fool and she went home and looked it up herself later that evening and addressed me on it the following day. She wanted to know why I would frequent a site like this. I was freaked. I've never lied to my children in all of their years and I was really stumped as to what to do. I ended up asking her to respect our privacy (as I have always respected hers) and that there are some things that aren't meant to be shared with your children. I told her that if I wanted to share it with her, I would, and to please respect my right to not discuss it further, as I respected hers growing up. For all I know, she reads this board daily, but I think she is respecting the fact that we have asked her not to. She has never brought it back up again and that has been many months ago.

 

I believe it depends on the relationship you have with your children as to how it should be handled. What worked for me, may not work for others. Also, I believe it depends on age too. While my daughter is an adult with little monsters in training of her own, I am not comfortable sharing this aspect of our lives.

 

I would however be horrified if my other children were to find out and I don't know what I would do then. They lean more towards being less accepting than my youngest and most spiciest is.

 

I hope to never have to find out.

[ricndi032903 15]

I do agree with you on that the kids don't need to know, but it does come down to what is still right and wrong in the children finding out, example, you lived a straight life all your life and your 20 year old daughter comes to you and says her husband wants other in their sex life, do you say go with what your hubby wants, do what you feel comfy with darling, kwim???

 

As parents we all have a # 1 priorty to our kids first and foremost and I do have to say that walking in and finding Mom & Dad in a "loving moment" ok fucking like animals, is alot more comforting and assuring that everything is ok in "their" lives(the kids) rather then finding Mom & Dad fucking the couple down the street, I guess what I'm trying to say is, when a child walks in on the "Parents" it's yes, very much embarrassing to both child and parent, but there is still the ora of it being their parents, and not someone that the child views as a home wrecker. exp; walking in on a parent that's cheating.

 

See I had a neice that came to me cause she thought her mother (my brothers wife) was fucking the guy up the road, and I saw the out right devastation in her eyes, and to me, the kids finding out that both parents are not in a souly commited sexual relatiosnhip with each other and that would be very harmful to the child's existance in thier personal knowledge as to having a secure home life and enviorement.

 

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

 

Just a little food for thought.

Diane

[ricndi032903 15]

oh by the way, for just a little giggle in lighting the mood,

my oldest son is 21 and my yuoungest is 12 and I'm still MOMMY, my husband's oldest is 22 and his youngest is 16 and he's still DADDY. and to make you laugh, my husband is 46 and still calls his mom MOMMY....... And until the day both of my parents died, they were still my MOMMY & DADDY.

 

So just goes to show that no matter how old we get, when it comes to your parents, they will always be MOMMY & DADDY. And there is that little piece in all of us that regard them as royality, teachers, the people we look to to guide our footsteps and protect us from evil, we never totally grow up. ... LMAO....

[yawanna 17]

" I do agree with you on that the kids don't need to know, but it does come down to what is still right and wrong in the children finding out, example, you lived a straight life all your life and your 20 year old daughter comes to you and says her husband wants other in their sex life, do you say go with what your hubby wants, do what you feel comfy with darling, kwim???

 

As parents we all have a # 1 priorty to our kids first and foremost and I do have to say that walking in and finding Mom & Dad in a "loving moment" ok fucking like animals, is alot more comforting and assuring that everything is ok in "their" lives(the kids) rather then finding Mom & Dad fucking the couple down the street, I guess what I'm trying to say is, when a child walks in on the "Parents" it's yes, very much embarrassing to both child and parent, but there is still the ora of it being their parents, and not someone that the child views as a home wrecker. exp; walking in on a parent that's cheating.

 

See I had a neice that came to me cause she thought her mother (my brothers wife) was fucking the guy up the road, and I saw the out right devastation in her eyes, and to me, the kids finding out that both parents are not in a souly commited sexual relatiosnhip with each other and that would be very harmful to the child's existance in thier personal knowledge as to having a secure home life and enviorement.

 

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

 

Just a little food for thought.

Diane"

 

 

 

I totally disagree...with respect Kids don't understand intimate relationships, whether it be mom and dad or mommy and daddy with 3 other couples in compromising situations....

 

My son walked in on my then husband and I having sex asked 'daddy..why are you hurting mommy??'

 

And how we answered could be applied to the child finding us with other couples.... altho personally, I would never have a sex get together when my children were home.. gawd....

 

 

 

If your brother and his wife were swingers and chose to swing separately and you believed that their relationship was good otherwise, then you could reassure the child that the 'aura' of her mommy and daddy still existed. Smile, hug her, tell her 'there are things adults do that children don't understand, nor should they. Just know that you are loved and your mommy and daddy are just fine!'

 

I certainly hope, Diane, that you aren't suggesting swinging is a deviance?

[2SHARE 15]

Originally posted by ricndi032903

.........we never totally grow up. ...

 

speak for yourself......

 

I do not fell the same way you do on that issue.

[biblonde 22]

Well this is a tuff one...

We never play where my boys could walk in on us. That would not be fun to have happen. My kids know they can ask me about anything and get an answer ...but my sex life is off limits..truthfully how many of us really want to think about our parents haveing sex! I dont mind answering sex questions but it is always answered in the "in general" way.

 

In saying what I have, all I'm trying to point out that in what we do in OUR lives, has a huge affect on our children should they ever discover the hidden truths about their parents and "friends". And exactly what example are we as "adults" really showing our children.

 

With this i say it is more important to show my kids every day what it is like to have a loving relationship. I Love You is a normal phrase in our house and is said often, Me and their dad are always hugging and kissing. So they see what true love is all about...I dont see how my sex life could influence them at all...Did knowing about or not knowing about our parents sex life change us in anyway? I dont think so. Sex is just a small part of a marrige (although a very fun part!!) If they did find out, my answer would be that it is our private life and what we do there is our business only. hopefully they would respect that and see that not everyone has to be with the herd so to speak.

 

well that is my 2 cents for today....s

[fun_pairTX 26]

Originally posted by ricndi032903

you said your oldest knows, how old is your oldest and how did he or she find out and how did you explain your choice in this lifestyle and how does the child except your way of living???

 

First off he is 22 and has a child of his own. His S/O is Bi and they do engage in the occasional threesome. Their generation isn't so guarded about their preferences and when it was mentioned we just took them aside and told them of our proclivities. Shortly after we instituted a phone call system to insure we never run into each other. This is a rural area and that DOES happen on occasion, not to us thank God, but our friends have not always fared so well.

[OhioCouple 41]

Yawanna, I edited your post to put the person you were quoting in bold, so that it wouldn't be so confusing. I hope you don't mind.

 

You bring up some very fine points and I'll respond to those later, right now, duty calls.

[yawanna 17]

I wondered how I had done that!!!! I was trying so.....

 

Many thanks.. I don't have the 'hang' of the extras here... much appreciated!

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by ricndi032903

oh by the way, for just a little giggle in lighting the mood,

my oldest son is 21 and my yuoungest is 12 and I'm still MOMMY, my husband's oldest is 22 and his youngest is 16 and he's still DADDY. and to make you laugh, my husband is 46 and still calls his mom MOMMY....... And until the day both of my parents died, they were still my MOMMY & DADDY.

 

So just goes to show that no matter how old we get, when it comes to your parents, they will always be MOMMY & DADDY. And there is that little piece in all of us that regard them as royality, teachers, the people we look to to guide our footsteps and protect us from evil, we never totally grow up. ... LMAO....

 

I don't have children and can't address how I would handle things...can only surmise.

 

However, this post of yours really struck some notes in terms of the subject matter...the Mommy and Daddy thing.

 

In some respects, you have answered some of your own questions in terms of kids. Parents will always be Mommy/Daddy and our own parents will always be Mommy/Daddy to us, in most respects.

 

Just as I would never discuss my sex life with my parents in other than very generic and rather factual terms, if at all, I would never discuss my sex life with my children, either. As others have noted, if children lived in my home, I would do everything within my power to assure they were never made aware of any sexual activities and I honestly believe I could do that with a relative degree of confidence. If it meant having to fork over $$'s for hotel rooms...so be it. Not playing at home...so be it.

 

On the off chance it was discovered, I honestly believe I would handle it as I would if they walked in on me and my husband...factual, age-appropriate explanations with no apologies or embellishments and with a gentle explanation that my adult activites did not demand review with them. Or something like that. I think. (I'll run it by my dogs and see what they have to say about it! )

 

- EBF:)

[Amy and Mike 16]

We dont have children, but I can say I'm almost positive that my parents participated in some sort of swinging with friends of theirs. I was always taught as a child to respect my parents privacy, and they would never have let us kids be exposed to anything like that. I only started suspecting years later, when I found out that a couple who were close friends with my parents were swingers. As a teenager, my parents several times attended parties at their home and spent the night, explaining to us before hand that they planned to be drinking and didn't want to drive if they didnt have to.

 

You have to hand it to them. They avoided detection and managed to get a "dont drink and drive" message in there too!

[ricndi032903 15]

well in hopes of reinterrating my orginal questions, and to make sure everyone completely understood, as far as us, we do not "play" at home, nor was I attempting to defend "playing" as to where the children could come in contact with the lifestyle, and nor was I trying to see how to play without getting caught.

 

Mearly asking those of you that have been in the lifestyle how you WOULD handle such a matter IF it were discovered by your children.

 

Ya know I would think this is alot more damanging then finding out your dad reads Penthouse and your Mom uses a dildo.

 

But I do have one comment to make and it does pertain to a child walking in and finding their mother and father in the terms of "making love" and while yes some children would first be wondering if Daddy was hurting Mommy, once explained to that child (as I did when my oldest son walked in on me and his father, and no there was no question of pain or hurt, more of a what are you doing) that this is what 2 people do to show their love for eachother and that this was how he was made. Well that anserered his puzzled look and questioning face.

 

Summing that up, to my child at the time, gave him a sence of safety in knowing that it was ok. Needless to say the bedroom door was locked after that......

 

But when you have a child finding out that Mommy & Daddy (or Mom & Dad) are out fucking other people, I'm very sorry, but IF and I'm saying IF a child finds this out, I hate to think what it could do to a childs sence of safety and security in his or her view of the parents marriage. I would tend to think that if a child discovered this, that it would shake the ground he or she walks on.

 

I mean if you really sit back and think about how you would have felt as a child catching your mom and dad making love, there comes a certain degree of "everything is right in the world" no matter how yucky it looked in your mind, but what if you came home and saw Mom, Dad, and the neighbors tangled in what looked like naked twister in the bedroom, think what that sight would have done to you?? Would you have thought your parents were still deeply in love? Would you think they were headed for divorce, would you have viewed them as sick, besides the "eww gross" thought that comes to mind at when it is your parents.

 

In a childs mind, having parents that are having sexual relations with others then the other parent, it could have very traumatic effects on that child.

 

But please understand my words, I am not condeming anyone, just trying to figure out if what "we" are doing and if a child conceaved in love, what that child would be feeling if they learned of what their parents were doing.

 

And just so I am once again clear, NO I am not implying that swingers are deviant. Just mearly questioning the effects on ALL OUR children should it ever be known, whether it be by walking in and seeing it, or stumbling across it on the internet.

[Amy and Mike 16]

My parents always taught me that sex was a normal healthy thing for adults, and of course all the usual "how babies are made" stuff. But most importantly, that it was a personal thing and none of our business. Neither me nor my brother ever even walked in on them in bed. If I had, it would have been me that would have been extremely embarrassed (because of how they raised me). It was always stressed to me as a young child that they had a personal life that existed before I was born that didnt include me. I always understood this even when I was very young.

 

I was always made to feel very secure as a child. Nothing I could have seen my parents do would ever have changed that. I believed that if my parents did something, it was ok...and I still believe it, since they've proven it to be true. They were (still are) good people and took good care of us. Raising your children that way is much more important (in my opinion) than worrying about what to say if it happens that they catch you in the act.

[biblonde 22]

thinking of it in terms as if i walked in on my mom and dad and their Playfriends..well i am sure it would have freaked me out!

 

As to explain to a child that what we do as adults doesnt change how we feel about them or each other is a tough one. My kids are 10 and 13 and i would hate to have them find out that our friends are also our playmates..I would have to hope (if they did find out) that me and their dad show enough love tward each other that they realize that we do love each other and will always be together. I just hope i never have to explain why we have sex with other!! at least not till they are adults and have a better understanding of sex and love.

 

I truthfully dont know how i would handle the situation if it ever came up. But if it did i would figure out something! lol

 

s

[LadyCleo 16]

Originally posted by ricndi032903

But when you have a child finding out that Mommy & Daddy (or Mom & Dad) are out fucking other people, I'm very sorry, but IF and I'm saying IF a child finds this out, I hate to think what it could do to a childs sence of safety and security in his or her view of the parents marriage. I would tend to think that if a child discovered this, that it would shake the ground he or she walks on.

Have you ever given a thought to the fact that maybe some parents are raising their children in a manner that the child would not even feel insecure if they saw that occuring?

 

While YOU may have issues about swinging, we do not. Yes, it is a subject that we have not broached with our children yet since they are very young, but wouldn't you have had a much better time wrapping your brain around your choice, had your parents taught you that mostly whatever you do, that doesn't harm another or is illegal, is ok?

 

I feel that it is our job, as their parents, to make our children feel good about their choices. Not to shame them into living a certain way. If we teach our kids that sex is not shameful, why should we worry about "damaging their sense of safety and security"?

 

There are two issues for us. Respect of our privacy and the "eeewww" factor. Never has it been one of shame.

 

I feel bad for you that you feel that way.

 

LC

[ricndi032903 15]

Sorry Lady Cleo, but I have to disagree with you and your view, and say that I view your comments as persoanlly slamming me for even to dare pose a question like this, but ya know what? Reality sucks babe.

 

Most parents do not raise their child in the manner of which you refer, I mean really, how you could say that a child finding out that their parents are doing other people , that that wouldn't make them feel insecure or their whole life threatened , geesh get real.

 

I know we live in 2003, but honestly, I have 5 son's, 12 through 21, and have always had the most open honest relationship I ever could with my son's (of course depending on their ages at the time) and even though I am remarried, but still have a child residing with me and my new husband, it would shake everything my son believes as true and honest if he was to ever discover that me and his step father have done anything outside of our marriage and anyone who believes other wise is fooling them selves.

 

Don't mean to come across so harsh, but my parents didn't raise me to sleep around, nor did my parents teach me that having sex outside their marriage was ok, I was taught that sexual relations was and should be with the one you love, and as a matter of fact, I really don't think anyone I know was raised as you would refer to.

 

Honestly Cleo, the way you talk, that scares me, who on earth raises their children to become swingers??? And sounds to me that is what you plan to do.

 

You said; "If we teach our kids that sex is not shameful, why should we worry about "damaging their sense of safety and security"?

 

well I do agree that there is nothing "shameful" in sex, but there is something not right in what you said, the fact that children see or know their parents are not in a faithful relationship just teaches them that there is no reason to get married or settle down with just one person.

 

So who's choice are you giving them, your's or their own???

 

Hmmm. while your teaching your children that as long as it's not harming anyone or not illegal, that it makes it right or ok, boy are you misleading yourself. And it's me that feels bad for you.

 

 

 

 

Originally posted by LadyCleo

Have you ever given a thought to the fact that maybe some parents are raising their children in a manner that the child would not even feel insecure if they saw that occuring?

 

While YOU may have issues about swinging, we do not. Yes, it is a subject that we have not broached with our children yet since they are very young, but wouldn't you have had a much better time wrapping your brain around your choice, had your parents taught you that mostly whatever you do, that doesn't harm another or is illegal, is ok?

 

I feel that it is our job, as their parents, to make our children feel good about their choices. Not to shame them into living a certain way. If we teach our kids that sex is not shameful, why should we worry about "damaging their sense of safety and security"?

 

There are two issues for us. Respect of our privacy and the "eeewww" factor. Never has it been one of shame.

 

I feel bad for you that you feel that way.

 

LC

[yawanna 17]

Have you ever given a thought to the fact that maybe some parents are raising their children in a manner that the child would not even feel insecure if they saw that occuring?

 

I agree with Lady Cleo here.

 

, it would shake everything my son believes as true and honest if he was to ever discover that me and his step father have done anything outside of our marriage and anyone who believes other wise is fooling them selves.

 

I believe otherwise in my relationships with my children (step and my originals)

 

I was taught that sexual relations was and should be with the one you love, and as a matter of fact, I really don't think anyone I know was raised as you would refer to.

 

I didn't teach, nor do I now, our children that you have sex only when you are in love with someone. We teach them to be responsible to others and to themselves. It's a big 'ole world out there...enjoy and be careful.

 

ricndi032903..are you swingers? If you are, then your posts and comments and questions here can only be answered by YOU. Perhaps you were hoping that someone else would post who had encountered the situation you describe, but so far, no one has said they have. Rather, I'm seeing people saying their sex life is their own business, and that is what would be communicated to their children.

 

I'm wondering if you are projecting your own fears and beliefs and morality onto this board, and if you are swinging, this is your way of working through some of that moralist angst?

 

Nothing wrong with any of that, we all have angst every now and then. And I think some of this was discussed in another thread about swinging and religion?

[LadyCleo 16]

Originally posted by ricndi032903

Sorry Lady Cleo, but I have to disagree with you and your view, and say that I view your comments as persoanlly slamming me for even to dare pose a question like this, but ya know what? Reality sucks babe.

Not once did I "slam" you. I just said that I felt sorry for you that you feel the way you do. A slam would be if I said you were stupid for feeling the way you feel.

 

Most parents do not raise their child in the manner of which you refer, I mean really, how you could say that a child finding out that their parents are doing other people , that that wouldn't make them feel insecure or their whole life threatened , geesh get real.

And don't you think that it's sad that parents don't teach their children that way? Children are brought up fearing many things. Why can't a parent teach a child that no matter what that parent does in his/her personal life that it does not shake the security of the child? Why should the fact that mom or dad is receiving and giving pleasure to another person shake the child's sense of security? The only reason would be if the parent's TEACH that to the child.

 

I know we live in 2003, but honestly, I have 5 son's, 12 through 21, and have always had the most open honest relationship I ever could with my son's (of course depending on their ages at the time) and even though I am remarried, but still have a child residing with me and my new husband, it would shake everything my son believes as true and honest if he was to ever discover that me and his step father have done anything outside of our marriage and anyone who believes other wise is fooling them selves.

Well then, I guess you don't have "the most open and honset relationship you ever could with your sons" then. I don't think that we are fooling ourselves.

 

Don't mean to come across so harsh, but my parents didn't raise me to sleep around, nor did my parents teach me that having sex outside their marriage was ok, I was taught that sexual relations was and should be with the one you love, and as a matter of fact, I really don't think anyone I know was raised as you would refer to.

Then how did you decide that being a swinger was ok? If you were taught to be ashamed of those feelings? You sound very tied up in the Christian morality of sex. Granted we don't want our children to behave in an unhealthy manner. We want them to fall in love and marry. But we don't want to make them feel that they are doing something wrong should they decide that they want to go with their heart and against the societal norms.

 

Honestly Cleo, the way you talk, that scares me, who on earth raises their children to become swingers??? And sounds to me that is what you plan to do.

No, we don't plan on raising our children to be swingers. We are raising our children to be who they are and to not be ashamed about their sexuality. We are showing them what a loving and committed relationship is like.

 

You said; "If we teach our kids that sex is not shameful, why should we worry about "damaging their sense of safety and security"?

 

well I do agree that there is nothing "shameful" in sex, but there is something not right in what you said, the fact that children see or know their parents are not in a faithful relationship just teaches them that there is no reason to get married or settle down with just one person.

No, not at all. Are you saying that because you are a swinger, you should have never settled down into a relationship with your spouse?

I think that if we teach our children that their bodies and thier sexuality is their own and it is not shameful, they can then make their own decisions regarding how they want to live their adult lives. We are laying the groundwork to help them be secure adults.

 

So who's choice are you giving them, your's or their own???

 

Hmmm. while your teaching your children that as long as it's not harming anyone or not illegal, that it makes it right or ok, boy are you misleading yourself. And it's me that feels bad for you.

 

I'm sorry that you don't feel that it is a good thing for us to teach our children to not be ashamed of how they feel and to respect others and their choices.

How can doing something that doesn't hurt anyone or is not illegal be wrong? Our children will learn to treat others as they would like to be treated and have the upmost respect for others and especially themselves.

 

Good luck to you,

LC

[wrnakedru 38]

The issue of what, if anything, should be discussed with one's children is a topic that has brought about heated dispute in the past.

 

I have had the hairs standing up on the back on my neck since I read the first entry here. Because I think this topic is actually a continuation of the first time we heard from you here on the board, Di.

 

You came to this swingers board wanting validation that swinging is a bad thing. I think you were given a lot of leeway in your quest as most everyone held their tongues and dealt with you in an equitable fashion. The answers boiled down to this: "If you find the activity to be foreign to your nature and insupportable, it is not anything you should be participating in, nor should you tolerate anyone expecting you to do so." But you were not satisfied with that answer. You wanted agreement with you that swinging is just wrong.

 

I would be remiss if I did not mention it is odd at the very least that you would seek validation of that viewpoint from those who have obviously chosen the lifestyle as their own.

 

It strikes me that you have returned thinking to yourself "A-ha! I've got them here - nobody's gonna say they tell all to their kids, so I've got 'em now. I can say that's because they're ashamed of their chosen lifestyle. Which proves the whole thing is wrong."

 

It would be quite easy to poke holes in what you have written here. Stating unequivocally that you are now and have always been honest with your sons on any topic, you do not say if you have shared with them the fact that you are participating in extramarital sex because of your husband's wishes and that doing so is against your personal beliefs.

 

So, while it may be unaccepting of me to say this, I do not believe your requests for information are genuine. I think you are seeking ammunition to validate your beliefs. I further think that you believe the ammunition will have the strength you desire to utilize against your husband only if it comes from those such as us, and that is why you have sought it here. Your hope is to denigrate the lifestyle choice he desires with words from those he feels himself to be in alliance with.

 

Once again, you have missed the point. The point is: what does he think? What do you think? If you do not agree with him you are not doing anybody a favor to "go along" - least of all him, and yourself. You can try to make an issue out of any aspect of the lifestyle you choose, but if he does not agree with your stance - there and there alone is where your problem lies. Not with any of us.

 

Nothing any of us say is going to enable you to achieve agreement with us, or with him. The situation you need to deal with is right there, and that is where you need to deal with it. Not here.

[Amy and Mike 16]

Some of the language you're using is very telling. Twice, you refer to sexual relations between a husband and wife as "making love". When you refer to swinging, you use the word "fucking". Nothing wrong with the word, if you're using it to express sexual passion, but it seems that you're using it deliberately to make swinging sound ugly.

 

Im curious, do you feel guilty about swinging? You seem to feel that it's wrong, yet you're doing it anyway. I don't get it. If you really believe that swinging is not in any way harmful, then why wouldn't you want your children to grow up thinking the same way? If you DO believe it's harmful, why are you doing it?

 

 

[saranmark 15]

Yep, what YOU said, wrnakedru!

 

I do have to add that I would never share with my children the details of my personal sex life. It is just that: Personal. This is only my opinion, but I wouldn't share the idea of swinging with my small children. Nor would I ever be in the position that they could accidentally walk in and witness swinging activities. If we ever do decide to participate in the lifestyle, we would not do anything in our house while our children are home.

 

I think that it takes a MATURE adult to understand the concept and be able to balance everything that is necessary to be successful in the lifestyle. I think that children do not possess that ability, and might mistake swinging with being promiscuous. I wouldn't want my children running around sleeping with as many people as they possibly can because they have mistakenly understood that that is what mommy and daddy do.

 

You can explain something to children until you are blue in the face, but they will always take away from the conversation what they choose to, and more than half of the time, it isn't the point you were trying to make.

 

Telling your adult children is entirely a different matter, and completely a personal decision.

 

Just my opinion,

Sara

[hfire269 16]

Quote

Amy and Mike We dont have children, but I can say I'm almost positive that my parents participated in some sort of swinging with friends of theirs. I was always taught as a child to respect my parents privacy, and they would never have let us kids be exposed to anything like that. I only started suspecting years later, when I found out that a couple who were close friends with my parents were swingers. As a teenager, my parents several times attended parties at their home and spent the night, explaining to us before hand that they planned to be drinking and didn't want to drive if they didn't have to.

 

OK this is funny...LOL Did we have the same parents? I think so.. whats even funnier is that we have the same names ? spelled a little different tho.

 

Like you I suspected that my parents were swingers. I just recently had that suspion confirmed.

 

My mom was reading my calendar and saw that i had "party" written on it. She asked me a bunch of questions , like where is it. I told her I only knew about where it was and she said that that's not the kind of party that you think it is. I was kind of like what kind of party is it? and she said it's a swinging party.. I was like Duh!. Do you think I'm stupid? She asked how long we've been swinging. I just told her I plead the 5th...LOL ANd it was left at that.

 

I wonder what would the rest of you have done if your parents found out?

 

Hfire269 (female half)

[De and Ci 19]

wrnakedru,

 

you couldn't have said it better! I think rcndi... and Tarnished Halo

need to meet. Maybe they will fall in love with each other and leave their SO's. Acutually, I feel sorry for their hubbys. I realize now that I'm Oh so fortunate to have a hot wife that I can share everything with!!

 

Again wrnakedru, Its great to have articulate posters like you to deal with these trainwrecks

[ricndi032903 15]

Guess I'm off to defend myself and my views once again,

starting at the bottom of the list and going up.

 

1. DE & CI.

Listen loud and clear, I am not a trainwreck, just a mom to a total of 8 children, 5 mine, 3 his, your so fortunate to have a hot wife that you can share anything with. Oh goodie, well babe, I'm as hot as the next and probably hotter, does that mean I want to have sex with any man or every man, hell no, can my husband come to me with his thoughts and ideas, well yes he can, for if he couldn't I would not be hear. get it? Good and while I'm at it, TH & I are probably the only ones to have the nerve to at least ask the questions we seek to try to give our husbands what they want. Even though we may have had our arms twisted, I think our being questional about what our mates want and why they want it is what bothers us, and by trying to see all angles of this lifestyle more then proves our love anf want for their happiness.

 

2 Amy & Mike,

I refer to a husband and wife as "making love" why? Isn't that what you all call it, and when it's having sexual relations with some one else , is't that called "fucking", I mean really you want to say there is a difference between the 2, so since it's very apparent that when you all say your having sex with someone else, you all refer to it or most have, called it FUCKING and reserving the LOVE MAKING for your spouse. So which is it? you tell me so I can be clear on what you deem as making love and fucking. Do I feel that swinging is wrong, well yes to some point and no to some point, as I've said, what ever floats your boat, doesn't have to float mine, there are aspects to swinging that does not involve touching or having sex with other and that has been my choice. I choose to maintain a sexually faithful relationship with the man I chose to marry and live the rest of my days with.

 

running out of time, I really don't have much to spare to debate my personal choice, but for goodness sake, why don't some of you understand that I'm almost sure you didn't get where you are by NOT asking some questions and I have the same right to ask even if they have been asked 100 times. And wrnakednu, I have never once asked for the swingers on this site to agree with me one way or another, quite possibly I have when I referred to my own situation as to having this shoved down my throat night and day and constantly feeling that it was being forced on me, without allowing me to make my own choice. On that point perhaps I was looking for alittle aggreance that in my case what was happening was wrong.

 

Oh well , so be it.

[Amy and Mike 16]

I didnt mean to sound like i was attacking you – my wife and I are new to this board and are really just curious about swinging. As you said, no one gets to where they are without asking questions, and that was all i was trying to do. Your post confused me because you seem think that swinging is wrong, which you just admitted to. At the same time, you participate at some level in swinging. My real question to you was: Why do you participate if you think its wrong? Again, Im just curious.

[good times 991]

ricndi032903, I wonder why you post to this board as it should be obvious you aren't going to find the support for your view of the swinging lifestyle here that you seem to want. I don't see anything wrong with those views, it just seems to me that they are kind of out of place on this forum. In other words if you think that what we do is morally wrong then why are you here? It seems to me that their are plenty of forums such as some of the christian forums that would give you the support you seem to want or need. Don't get me wrong I think anybody that whishes to post here should do so and I do find some of the things you say thought provoking. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems that the responses you get are so far removed from the way you feel personally that it seems like it would be very discouraging. Correct me if I am wrong, but judging by the responses you have received to your posts it seems clear to me that most people here pretty much disagree with your views.

[ricndi032903 15]

Quote

Originally posted by Amy and Mike

I didn't mean to sound like i was attacking you – my wife and I are new to this board and are really just curious about swinging. As you said, no one gets to where they are without asking questions, and that was all i was trying to do. Your post confused me because you seem think that swinging is wrong, which you just admitted to. At the same time, you participate at some level in swinging. My real question to you was: Why do you participate if you think its wrong? Again, I'm just curious.

 

Sorry for misunderstanding, but in my search for knowledge and pure understanding or my journey in; why the man I love would want this for our relationship, and for simply asking a very honest question on "what would you do and how would it be handled if your (meaning everyone's) children discovered what their parents are and or were doing, how they would choose to handle the situation, should it ever arrise.... " I really and truly do feel that yes I have been attacked from one end of the scope to the other at times.

 

To answer your question, Allow me to explain myself and how I got here,

 

I lived in a marriage for 20 years, my husband was a dead beat, and the worst possible husband and lover. Hence we divorced.

Ric, my new husband, lived in the most hellish of lives for 22 years with a woman that wanted absolutely no part of keeping house, or sex, he starved for love, attention and yes, sex, if he begged long enough, then he'd get a little, and then be left unsatisfied.

 

We met, hit it off from the beginning, emotionally, and physically, and sex for either of us has never been better. He's truly been the man I have dreamed of and fantasized of. And he feels this same way about me in return. We talk about everything from A-Z. Open and honest, all the way.

 

But, when swinging was mentioned, and how he'd always wanted to explore this, he scared me. He wanted the whole sha-bang at once, no baby steps, no taking our time, everything was rushed, then forced, then ugly threats were made, why? because I like sex and he thought I'd want this and he's have his fantacies and me all at the same time,

 

But to me, his wanting this after all we both had had in our previous lives, to want this was unnatural to me, considering how great we have it together... And I'll admit I have my share of hang-ups, having always been on cheated on in every relationship, my first impression was he wanted to cheat, but with my permission.

 

I want you to understand my words, ok, through all the talks, whether it be calmy talking, or arguing, in posting my fears and thoughts of my dreams ending, at his forcing this on me, in everyone's responses that this should never be forced on anyone that it has to be what both people want, it made him see what his forcing and threatening was doing, and that it was not right.

 

And once he saw what he was doing to "us", and slowly backed off and allowed me to come to grips with what he was proposing, thus allowing to be see what I was ok with, if anything, and agree to let me set the speed, that alone gave me the courage to look beyond the sex part and see swinging and swingers from every angle.

 

You gotta believe me when I say I was repulsed at first thought, cause I was, I seriously thought that this was for those that didn't want a committed relationship and out to score as much meaningless sex as they could.

 

In posting and reading, (my husband reads them too), a lot of my fears were put to rest, that there are quote, normal people out there that have normal jobs, kids, families and etc... and that what they choose to do is not harming them, and this I firmly respect.

 

As for me, myself, I do not want us, (meaning me and my husband) to have sexual relations outside of our marital unit. I do like and embrace the voyeuristic and expo side of this, and my husband understand these are my comfort levels and my limits.

 

But I am not nor do I think I will ever be comfortable enough to permit touching, or anything physical with other people in our marriage, understand ok. that for US as a marital unit, anything physical with someone else is going against what I believe my marriage stands for.

 

So PLEASE PLEASE understand, that is MY view for MY relationship and MY marriage. with no judgement on what you choose to do or not do.

 

It was a long hard road to make this trip, and he loves me enough to respect me and my limits, and it's my thanks to you all for saying and telling that forcing is wrong, it allowed him to see what he was doing, and allowed him to tone down his wants and needs for me and for us. Plus allowed me to make up my own mind as to what I was capable of doing.

[yawanna 17]

thank you.... I think ?

 

anyway.. best of luck to you two! Sincerely we all hope it works out in the long run

[De and Ci 19]

I'm as hot as the next and probably hotter, does that mean I want to have sex with any man or every man, hell no,

 

ricndi032903, this objection is so cliche.

 

Swinging is about fantasy fufillment for most couples, whether that in fact, involves sex with any man or every man depends on the fantasy being fufilled. I read your later post and understand where your coming from. Explain all that to your hubby. Show him these posts. However, much of what you say sounds so sacrosanct that it is bound to generate a lot of hostile response.

 

Something to think about, If you go along with your SO. Don't think of it as him fucking another woman and/or you fucking another guy, Its you guys together who are fucking another couple.