Enjoying a swap partner too much?

[Shore2Please 612]

We are a couple with an active home sex life. We have always had sex every morning. We wake up an extra hour early everyday. It is something we have been doing for many years. It was before our kids would wake up. It would sometimes carryover to our shower. At least 4 times a week we also do it at night. I know we have friends that only have sex 1 or 2 times a night. Almost all of our sex is just a one time. I know my husband can get hard a second time because in the shower after sex he does get an erection. I also want to add that our sex is very satisfying.

 

Several years ago we met a couple on vacation and swapped. I've posted before about this. We went on a cruise with that couple and two others. Over the cruise I was with all of the men. The thing is, I can't stop thinking about the sex I had with the original one. It's not like we see this couple all the time. They don't live near us. When we do see them I get very excited. The nights when we swap, I so love the whole experience. On those nights we have sex a bunch of times. I don't want to say the sex is better, it's different. Just like no two people are the same. I can't even say what is different. I was also with the other men on that vacation. They both were different and both men satisfied me several times. My "problem" is that I really really enjoy my first. I find myself thinking about him often.

 

Is it normal to have feelings for a swap partner?

[eruditesdw 29]

My wife loves our nice man. It's new and different so that's why she likes him. As for me it is fun to have him in our bed. Wife cums so good. He cums hard too.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

For our first lifestyle experience, I try to forget about it actually, it was kinda terrible. However, I do still remember, in vivid detail, the first time I had sex. I still think about it, 20 years later, pretty often. Every once in a while I'll even get caught up in the "what might have been" thoughts, since it was really me that screwed up and ruined that relationship. Just so happens, her best friend apparently moved to the same town I ended up in and I see her every morning when dropping my daughter off at school. Constant reminder. I don't think there's really anything wrong with that though. Now if you start having thoughts of leaving your husband to go be with this guy, who may or may not also want to leave his wife to be with you, you'd have issues. As long as it's not that though, pretty normal I would think.

[machiavel55 81]

..........My "problem" is that I really really enjoy my first. I find myself thinking about him often.

Is it normal to have feelings for a swap partner?

 

It is normal since, for me anyway, it has usually been the result of sexual chemistry.

I'm now 61 and still remember vividly a few women...well 3 in particular, 2 ONS and one 3 week relationship where the skin contact was electrifying.

 

Now I have been in the LS on and off since the late 70s..never with a SO that was very significant, so whenever my GF of the moment would after a swap be glowing because the male of the other couple had been amazing, it would not hurt my ego but definitely pinch it.

 

The 4 women I had long relationships with(including my soulmate ex-wife) were against swinging and I knew a situation like the one you're in would have been very difficult for me to deal with. With these 4 women I was all-in emotionally, mentally and physically. In that mode it is impossible for me to separate sex from love and I can't imagine a random evening after a day of work watching TV with my SO and hear her tell me that the last few days she has been longing for that swap partner that I know she likes a lot.....even if she tells me that I'm still #1, I would wonder if she is not just trying to spare my feelings and that would have made sex with her not impossible but a huge challenge.

 

I've known when in relationships that I was not the biggest cock, best looking guy or best body my GFs had been with, but because of my passion, intensity and very high sex drive I needed to feel like the one she would think of when getting horny.

 

But when you start swapping the possibility of a very special connection for your SO with another partner exists and even if I know I'm number 1 in real life as the life partner, the one she chooses to share the highs and lows of life 24/7 with the bills, mortgages, maybe kids etc...knowing I'm not number 1 anymore in bed, in my ''all-in relationships'' would have been devastating.

 

Now I suppose your husband is different, is not threatened by your feelings for that other guy, reads your posts and knows about this...and if I'm wrong let me know.

By the way, if I had a dollar for every time I've read a swinger saying that a certain partner was not better but different then their SO, I would be living on a beach somewhere....to me it's a PC way swingers have found to spare their SO's feelings.

I've been sexually hyper-active for 44 years...yes all the women were different in bed, but can I make a top ten list? you bet I can and the funniest thing is that with these 10 all-time best sexual partners I would rather have root canal treatment than be their bf!

 

So now the question is are your feelings evolving? becoming stronger? do they have an impact on your sex life at home or on your couple? Do you see yourself spending a weekend or maybe spending more time than that with that man?

You should look into this and be very very careful, feelings have a life and a mind of their own. Affective reactions defy reason and logic.

Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer and philosopher said:

'The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of'

[afterwork 89]

It happens and can happen for you or your hubby. It is just part of the fun.

 

You get to have a great sex time with someone where the "time" certainly is important, but it is the journey of the marriage that came to enjoy the LS that is paramount .

 

If you find that you want to abandon your marriage for the sex of a "amazingly-different-partner," then whomever makes that decision (you or him) has missed the intent and content of enjoying the LS in the first place.

 

For us, oh yeah there have been some great fuck sessions ; and repeated sessions with really, really neat guys and gals that we have enjoyed.

 

But as the years tend to march forward, we have the greatest pleasure in recounting those wonderful fuck sessions with each other knowing that we remain in our life as a happy married couple that loves to fuck others within our LS boundaries.

 

Those are the safe, comforting, relaxing, and exciting boundaries that sadly so many other married folks will never know as they did not entertain the concept of the LS.

 

Go enjoy, brag, get him to brag about his favorite, laugh at the times it wasn't "so great" and agree to keep enjoying the bond that gives both of you the ability to have fun and still be solid married folk. ( At this point, we want to recommend that you apply liberal amounts of duct tape around you forehead circumnavigating in a manner to cover your ears so you don't have a lot of leakage when the two of you are fucking your brains out. ) Ok...that was humor, but hey have fun.

 

Some of the saddest people we know, are not in the LS. The just wouldn't qualify as being that well balanced to enjoy the concept.

[machiavel55 81]

............Those are the safe, comforting, relaxing, and exciting boundaries that sadly so many other married folks will never know as they did not entertain the concept of the LS........Some of the saddest people we know, are not in the LS. The just wouldn't qualify as being that well balanced to enjoy the concept.

 

You'll excuse my English, I'm French.

That condescending attitude towards vanilla couples, just like the intolerant attitude of some vanilla couples towards swingers, will always be what annoys me the most between the two lifestyles.

[luvin eye full 140]

Shore2Please

 

Is this the guy that made love to you when you and him were in separate rooms from your SO's? ( you talked briefly i a different post )

It seemed to me then that this was not good. ( but i did not say anything/post)

 

I think you best let your SO know just how much feelings you have for this guy and stop playing until your SO has more time in your head and hart then some play partner.

 

Really take on this one - for both your sake.

 

Regards.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Having a strong 'pull' towards a lover is one of the reasons folks swing. Sex is exciting, but sex with an emotional attachment is way..different..

We experienced twice guys wanting more than just sex with J. One guy backed way off when it was requested he curb his feelings. The other guy was starting to actively seduce her and push me out. But one shouldn't be in this LS if there is doubt of the strength of your relationship. I'm sure that last guy is wishing he'd kept his mouth shut and just enjoyed the crazy hot sex.

 

Continuing for you will require analyzing your feelings. If there is no threat, there probably is no problem going for it. There is the possibility of it ending badly for both of you though if it goes to far and has to end.

 

A lot of guys trip over the line of liking a gal to being madly in lust..I mean love. It can cause issues.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Having a connection with your play partner only makes it better...more exciting. Just as long as that connection doesn't interfere with your relationship with your actual partner. As long as the two things can be kept separate, everything's good (great, in fact).

 

Machiavel55:

You'll excuse my English, I'm French.

[cplnluv1 872]

I just went back and read your post when you first posted about him making love to you. We all enjoy being loved and I get what you say that he made love to you. He made you feel good not just physically but emotionally. When swinging most of us look for a physical release. I don't think we want emotional attachments. More we like to feel we aren't being used. Most men are looking for the physical act even if the act is to please you. There is nothing wrong with feeling that you weren't used. You had an enjoyable experience. If you go to a restaurant and enjoy a meal you may want to go back. If you go back once or twice a year it remains special. If you went every week you would still enjoy but it no longer would be special. I am reading that you and your husband still love each other. Your sex every day is still good but not extra special. You may have to make it more romantic yourself. Make a night or weekend special.

 

You haven't said if you and your husband talk about your nights with the other couple. You should be open in what you enjoyed and your feelings. It is okay to enjoy as long as others have said, it doesn't effect your real relationship.

[padoc 1,703]

Swinger sex is recreational for us but both of us enjoy and practice the concept of making love to our partners. A good hard fuck is sometimes fun though mechanical, but by and large we like sharing intimacy. As alexandsandra said, it ends when we kiss them goodbye at the door.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think it is normal. I have people that I am really crazy about. My husband knows who these people are, but I do not talk about them often. I have time to daydream and do that on my own time so it doesn't affect our relationship. I would never leave my husband for any of them, but I will jump at the chance to spend time with them.

 

I think there is only a problem if you start to fantasize about making a life with another person or comparing your husband to them in a negative way.

[njbm 2,877]

I think you can enjoy your playmates, be friends with them and realize that the play is for fun only.

[Shore2Please 612]

Thank you for trying to understand my thoughts. Just to clear up I am not leaving my husband. I love him and he is the greatest thing in my life. My vacation lover is just that, a vacation lover. In private we have so much fun. When we are in a group he is different. I know him and his wife are a great couple. I have been alone with him a handful of times. All memorable nights. I can't say I can remember every time my husband and I have sex. I mentioned we have sex almost every morning. I enjoy that it's the way we start the day most of the time. Sometimes I just feel it's just not different. We have an hour. I hate being a clock watcher but at the 45 minute mark my mind is already in the we better hurry spot.

 

When I've been with the friend we are never rushed. It's a night. My husband and I aren't always rushed and we have had long nights. I think it's just that with the vacation lover I am feeling special.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

We can understand that. Your spouse can make you feel special too, but like it or not, you tend to take each other for granted, but not in a "they'll never leave me because I am the best thing ever" more like in the day to day things like "We are a team and we each help out and that will always be there" kind of way. Having someone else that you don't see every day try and make you feel special in a "I like spending time with you" even if it is for just a limited time is always nice, as long as, like Funcouple said, it is not I want to spend all my time with you and have you to myself kind of special.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

When I've been with the friend we are never rushed. It's a night. My husband and I aren't always rushed and we have had long nights. I think it's just that with the vacation lover I am feeling special.

 

I think it is perfectly ok to feel extra special when you are with a favorite playmate. That's kind of what it is all about really, having fun and feeling that way you do when all things are going great.

 

It's just a simple fact of life that you sync better with some people than with others. Just like with friends. There are casual friends, close friends, special friends. You are friends with all of them, but those friendships just are all on different levels. Playmates are no different. That you may sync better with one friend or playmate doesn't minimize what you share with any of the others, but some people you just have a special connection with, and that's ok.

[afterwork 89]

For the post that we were intolerant and condescending:

 

Wasn't the intent. Just stating statistical facts and you can observe that by just considering how many vanilla folks are not in the LS compared to those of us that are. There are reasons and for many it is just the inability to grasp the concept as a comfortable choice.

 

We are comfortable in stating that there are a whole lot of vanillas that will never understand or accept our choices. It really doesn't matter what voice (condescending or other) they might take as the LS choice is just that a choice. Their vanilla lifestyle is also just that a choice and the majority of the vanillas will never choose ours.

 

The examination of this thread was to respond to the origin. We regret that we might have caused a detour, but the only French we know is really lousy.

 

Sorry you see our response as harsh. We still conclude that many vanilla folks will never be able to cope with being in the LS. They prove that just in the raw numbers. Frankly it was meant as a compliment to the LS devotees that have discovered the blessings of being in a relationship that enjoys the benefits of a well balanced recreational sexual environment.

[luvin eye full 140]

Enjoying a swap partner too much? - Well only know you that.

 

As the others have said it's OK to have a good time - even be friends, have some feelings or great contact with others. BUT as long as it is not over taking your relationship.

 

Definition. An emotional affair can be defined as: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage.

 

So I would ask this before saying it's fine and dandy.

 

Does your husband know everything you're feeling?

 

Why in nearly every post do you say "I don't want to say the sex is better, it's different"?

 

Why do you think you even compere the two? "quote: I have been alone with him a handful of times. All memorable nights. I can't say I can remember every time my husband and I have sex."

 

What have you done to make the home sex life more "different"?

 

There are so many things left not said in your post that no one can really say much about it at all.

 

Most here have said it's ok but I don't think it is at all - I think there is a lot more that has not been said then that has been.

 

Now I'm not having go at you or some personal attack here - O hope it does work out and all is good for both you and your SO.

 

No what I'm saying is only you know how you really feel and by the question I have to wonder if you don't know the answer all ready.

 

Regards

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

What happens outside the marriage is determined by what happens inside the marriage. It's hard to interpret the former without clearly understanding the latter. Swinging probably means, signifies and operates uniquely for each husband/wife.

[machiavel55 81]

For the post that we were intolerant and condescending:

 

Wasn't the intent. Just stating statistical facts and you can observe that by just considering how many vanilla folks are not in the LS compared to those of us that are. There are reasons and for many it is just the inability to grasp the concept as a comfortable choice.

 

We are comfortable in stating that there are a whole lot of vanillas that will never understand or accept our choices. It really doesn't matter what voice (condescending or other) they might take as the LS choice is just that a choice. Their vanilla lifestyle is also just that a choice and the majority of the vanillas will never choose ours.

 

The examination of this thread was to respond to the origin. We regret that we might have caused a detour, but the only French we know is really lousy.

 

Sorry you see our response as harsh. We still conclude that many vanilla folks will never be able to cope with being in the LS. They prove that just in the raw numbers. Frankly it was meant as a compliment to the LS devotees that have discovered the blessings of being in a relationship that enjoys the benefits of a well balanced recreational sexual environment.

 

Thanks for clarifying your opinion....(I don't even know if this makes sense in English...lol).

What you have and are still achieving with your SO while being in the LS as a couple is remarkable and not easy to do. Believe me.

 

I've seen many couples in the LS, still together 10 years + after...but just that...together...not divorced...but without any passion and going from one LS encounter to another with just that as a real fun in their life.

 

You're absolutely right about the fact that being in the LS is not for everybody. That said, a lot of couples in the LS are not completely honest, struggle and fail.

 

Also, having been in and out of the LS since the late 70's I can tell you that for me the LS is not that special, I had tons of sex before my first foray in the LS and what I saw and experienced in the LS (3somes, 4somes, anysomes you want, etc...) I had already experienced in my early 20's as a single young man in Montreal.

 

Nowadays, once I meet my next and hopefully last life partner, I intend to be monogamous and will try to make her feel like she is with a different man every day...lol...

 

I've always felt that the LS, even though at first it seems wonderful and seems to boost sex at home and deepen the connection, after a few years, was taking something away from the relationship I would be in.

 

For me nothing can compare to the connection and emotions with the same partner, day after day, constantly reaching new levels of true intimacy...intimacy which by the way has nothing, zero, zilch, nada, to do with sex.

[machiavel55 81]

Enjoying a swap partner too much? - Well only know you that.

 

As the others have said it's OK to have a good time - even be friends, have some feelings or great contact with others. BUT as long as it is not over taking your relationship.

 

Definition. An emotional affair can be defined as: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage.

 

So I would ask this before saying it's fine and dandy.

 

Does your husband know everything you're feeling?

 

Why in nearly every post do you say "I don't want to say the sex is better, it's different"?

 

Why do you think you even compere the two? "quote: I have been alone with him a handful of times. All memorable nights. I can't say I can remember every time my husband and I have sex."

 

What have you done to make the home sex life more "different"?

 

There are so many things left not said in your post that no one can really say much about it at all.

 

Most here have said it's ok but I don't think it is at all - I think there is a lot more that has not been said then that has been.

 

Now I'm not having go at you or some personal attack here - O hope it does work out and all is good for both you and your SO.

 

No what I'm saying is only you know how you really feel and by the question I have to wonder if you don't know the answer all ready.

 

Regards

 

Wow!..I love people who take chances and tell things as they feel them and see them.

And you said everything I was thinking and feeling....I agree 100%!

[machiavel55 81]

 

Machiavel55:

You'll excuse my English, I'm French.

 

:

 

You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

(one of the greatest movie lines)

[GoNatural 104]

I think it is perfectly ok to feel extra special when you are with a favorite playmate. That's kind of what it is all about really, having fun and feeling that way you do when all things are going great.

 

It's just a simple fact of life that you sync better with some people than with others. Just like with friends. There are casual friends, close friends, special friends. You are friends with all of them, but those friendships just are all on different levels. Playmates are no different. That you may sync better with one friend or playmate doesn't minimize what you share with any of the others, but some people you just have a special connection with, and that's ok.

I really like this response. You will feel more attraction to some play partners than others, and sync more with some.

 

As the variation in replies suggest, different couples have different boundaries when it comes to admiring these other people.

I like the suggested boundary of being sure your desire for a life partner is still about your hubby.

 

This is the kind of swinging I like anyway, one where there is appreciation for the playmates, but never any courtship like gifts or calling them boyfriend/girlfriend, etc...