Concerned Friend - Possible abusive relationship

[Branigan 33]

Last weekend the Mrs and I were at a Hotel takeover party. Organized by friends of ours, there was a large group of close knit people. One couple who is well known to all of us was in attendance. The general consensus for quite some time has been, he's an ass and she's a sweetheart. We all love her and tolerate him. Basically he comes across as an arrogant, misogynistic, racist homophobe (words of another friend lol).

 

At the party there was an incident where she was off playing with a couple that they are familiar with, a couple they have played with before (new to our group). She has free reign to play with women without him being around but not men. The story that was told was that the man of the couple was fingering her at one point and he walked in. He lost his mind and they went back to their room and exchanged words. The argument was overheard by a few people and it was told that there was possibly some aggressive behavior on his part. He stormed off after, muttering things like "fucking bitch" "slut" etc. A bunch of people tried to calm the situation and fortunately he left as others tried to console her.

 

As it does, the rumor mill started and many people started talking about instances at other events where similar things have happened. In fact, this is turning out to be a common thing for these two.

 

A bunch of us are very concerned as to the safety of the woman and although it is apparent that he is emotionally abusive to her, he may also be physically abusive. His temper is out of control and I have witnessed it personally on a few occasions.

 

Many of us have been talking and we are unsure how to proceed or if we should even do anything. It's a tough position to be in as she is exhibiting the typical "abused partner" behaviors of defending and saying things like "he's not like this all the time".

 

As a friend...what do we do? How do we approach this?

 

Note: I know that she allowed a rule to be broken but as you all know, in the moment, things can happen. It should be noted that he has free reign to do whatever he wants....and he does. I have seen him play without her, I have seen the double standard he holds. Obviously they should not be swinging, we all know that. We've told her that. Their relationship is broken and they use this life to mask it but it just accentuates it. They have been banned from future events and we have all decided to stop inviting them to private events as well. We cannot continue to have this behavior happen in our community. Many friends have reached out to her in support but we fear it is falling on deaf ears.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

[Lionheart72 2,192]

Sadly, I have found the old axiom to be true - you cannot help someone who doesn't want help. If she is still defending him and not actively seeking to leave the relationship, all you can really do is be there for her and be supportive of her. That may not seem like much, but it is actually quite a lot. Show her that people care about her, support her, like her and believe in her. If and when she recognizes her situation (assuming it is what you be believe it to be), she will hopefully remember your support and may turn to you if she needs help. If nothing else, showing her that she is valued and cared about will help.

[afterwork 89]

Whether it is the LS or some other element of their marriage, he is out of control by your depiction. She needs to get help and it should be professional, not we amateurs. We have seen this sort of thing before and were fortunate to see the circumstances not escalate into a physical manifestation.

 

Sad, truth be told, he probably coerced her to join the LS so he could have a "ticket" to the party. Then he discovers she really enjoys herself and he is jealous. Probably something along those lines as often happens. We have seen it both ways. It is not always the hubby (okay mostly), but we have seen where the wife goes ballistic because a kiss was exchanged. Beyond us...we are already swapping bodily fluids in a big way......

 

Sorry to hear of the situation, but it will not be the last that can happen. We agreed to show value and support where you can. But, please watch for the crossfire...let a pro handle this.

[EastInWest 1,527]

Going to third the whole "you aren't in the position to fix this".

 

When I was younger, I sometimes used to try to help people fix things that weren't my problem.

 

80% of the time, when things are broken and nobody is fixing them, there's a reason. You don't know what that reason is. It's their reason. If you try to get involved, they will most likely continue their preferred behavior of not fixing it and blame you for the problem because now you are there and it is easier than accepting their own responsibility for fixing it.

 

Sometimes people get emotional and yell at each other. It may not even be about them. If they're yelling hateful insults, that's a bad situation. If it turns out that she's in physical danger, obviously, that's another set of circumstances entirely, but... This video may be instructive to the larger problem of people not really wanting help.

 

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

You've already done all you can. Don't invite them to any more events and don't go to any events they are at. Just remove yourself from the situation. There is nothing more you can do. It sounds like there is a pretty good possibility their relationship is going to have a drama explosion at some point and you don't want to be near it. If they stop getting invited to events, or most people leave when they show up, they will eventually get the picture. They will also likely be more frustrated at everything going on and that will cause them to either have to look at what is wrong, or they'll blow up at each other and move on with their lives. It kinda sucks, especially when it's someone you like, but really if they do not want help from you and will not seek professional help, that's really all you can do. Remember, you need to protect yourselves first, so get away from the drama explosion.

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

If you really feel that you must do something, your wife should talk to her and let her know that if she wants or needs help she can find it with the two of you. Otherwise, it's best to just stay away. Trying to help someone who doesn't want help usually backfires since they have a tendency to turn things on the attempted helper. I was married to someone with severe depression for over 20 years...you can't fix someone who doesn't think they are broken.

[Branigan 33]

Thank you all for your input. I fully agree the most we can do as friends is be there for support, whether she accepts it or not. One of our friends has approached him and he is apparently looking at getting help. I hope does and that they can begin healing.

[funcoupledayton 2,710]

We had this situation in our community. The first thing we did as a group was to not invite them to any invite only events. If I was invited to a party I would ask the host if they were invited. It's common for us to run guest lists by each other if we're not sure about people. I would emphatically tell my friends not to invite him. If they came to open events we would watch him like a hawk (he was awful to many girls). Someone in the group would vocally tell the husband to knock it off when he was being an asshole. One girl told him, "I can punch you in the face or beat your ass or you can leave." Thankfully he left.

 

We continued to invite the wife to girls events and see her at open invite gatherings. I became close with her. I never said anything bad about her husband to her. I was just her friend and kept in touch with her. I also made out with her every chance I got. I did not take it farther than that because I wanted nothing to do with her husband. I was scared of him.

 

A year after meeting them, she did leave him. Swinging was good for her because she saw how she was treated well by other people.

 

Six months later the divorce was final and I told her I would like to be more than friends. I still didn't say anything negative about him.

 

She's been my girlfriend now for over a year.

 

So, my advice is just to be kind to the wife and keep an eye on the husband. If she needs help she will know that you are a listening ear. Don't invite them to parties. If they are at an open event or club and he's a jerk, call him out. If you witness him hurting her or anyone physically call the police.

 

I would avoid saying negative things to her about him. That can be isolating and put her on the defense. Even when a couple separates sometimes they get back together and you don't want to poison your relationship with her.