Past Issues Interfere-Need Advice

[txgal15 16]

Both my husband and I and interested in the swinging experience. We have experienced a threesome and foursome with my husband included as one of those Males. It just happened and it was great but left me with uneasy emotions afterwards. Although it was for my pleasure and my husbands by watching and being a part of it I have felt horrible about myself and I'll explain why.

 

A week after my husband and I got married I found out he was cheating up until the day we got married. Now we're coming up on 2 years of marriage and I still haven't let go of the past. I have lost a lot of confidence with myself, and trust with him that I haven't fully been able to get back. So we talk about meeting new people and experiencing another hook up but I have so many doubts. I would love to eventually introduce a woman into the bedroom but I struggle with what he has done in the past. He understands and is okay with it but I don't feel its fair. And I feel in the back of my mind it bothers him. Now as far as confidence goes.. I felt like complete shit after the high of experiencing pleasure from other men. Idk I was so worried how I was or looked and ect. They all enjoyed it but I was left feeling like I did something wrong. I feel those emotions come from the cheating. He hasn't;t done anything since, that I know of. But I get scared he'll go off and stray or if we do introduce a woman..I will hate it afterwards.

It's been a constant struggle but I don't want this to be the end of the possibilities of swinging...

Anyone have advice or have been through this??

[luvin eye full 140]

Hey txgal15

 

So what you have to know is that it's not you but him with the problem. ( i know the saying does not help but it's true )

 

I would if i were you stop any more playing and focus on you two - He is using this as a way to cover some other emotional hurts/insecurities just as he did with the cheating, Would he be up to go to a couples councilor?

 

It's hard to not feel bad or hurt but it really does not have anything to do with who/how you are.

Your Man would of done the cheating on the best looking mind blowing chick that ever walked this earth - because this comes from a deep inner place in him - it just hurts the ones that love him - which by the way is probably not what he wanted.

 

But that's the consequences of his actions, best of luck to you both.

 

Regards.

[JandKinBoise 859]

You are 2 years into a relationship. Even under the best circumstances this is too early. Trust isn't issued with a marriage license. So that's my opinion of the group stuff.

Now about him...Not knowing him, I'm probably off base here but his situation rings familiar with me. He may be addicted to sex. I hate that term but I'm not sure how else to describe it.

We had group sex prior to marriage, a little after getting married but very little. I missed it. I hinted to her about it many times. Always shut down. I knew she enjoyed it, but also had guilt to deal with. The result was me getting it without her. As much as I wanted to share these experiences with her, she wasn't interested and I didn't seem to have a lot of control over what I was doing.

I'm not saying he will be a turbo-shit like me, but your post describes someone who takes sex a little past being a hobby. Monogamy doesn't work for everyone. That doesn't' mean a relationship won't work. Maybe some more compromise than you bargained for though.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

To be successful in a relationship, especially if you are thinking about swinging, you must have an abundance of love, trust and communication. If any one of the three is weak, then the other two are not as strong as they could be. I posted this on another thread but it is true in this case as well:

 

Swinging is a magnifying glass: It can make a great relationship sharper, more in focus, take it to the next unimaginable level, but if there are any cracks or fractures, it can also point those out as well. If there are real problems in the relationship, it will most likely burn both parties.

 

I would suggest that you put swinging on hold until you can take care of strengthening your relationship and start talking to him...tell him how you know that he was cheating and are concerned that he is now just trying to cheat with your participation.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think the biggest obstacle here is the trust. One, because you haven't been married long enough for the trust to have built to the level it needs to be, and two, things have happened that not only didn't build trust, they eroded it, so you weren't starting from even, you were in the red to start with.

 

I always hate to speak in absolutes since everyone is different and people handle things differently, but until you have trust, rock solid no question about it even in the furthest darkest corners of your mind, then swinging is likely to turn out to be a negative to the relationship, not a positive.

[txgal15 16]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I think there just needs to be more time to gain trust back before we continue. What you have all said has been really helpful and I've talked to him and we both agree to put our marriage first and work on getting that trust back.

[mphil17 35]

Swinging does not cure cheating. Cheating is rarely about sex alone. The one doing the cheating has a defect within themselves they need to cure before they are a safe partner to anybody.

 

Plenty of people in the lifestyle are also cheaters.

[Alura 2,775]

Sometimes, Texgal, those old girlfriends take awhile to get rid of. What you do need to get rid of, in my opinion, is fear.

 

Fear of communication is often a problem. One thinks that an attempt to talk (or ask a question) will result in one's spouse never asking the question. Laura and I agreed that we would never become angry because a question was asked and that we would fully talk about it. "I don't want to talk about it!" was not allowed. When y'all are able to ask each other questions without thinking the other might get mad, y'all will be on the way.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Yes, swinging is NOT cheating and cheating is NEVER swinging. Cheating is something that one person does without the other knowing and is usually very destructive to the relationship. Swinging is something that is done together with eyes wide open and (only in a good solid relationship) can take a relationship to unimaginable heights.

 

Fear and jealousy are just two indicators that there isn't enough trust and communication taking place. Fix the relationship first, then increase the trust and communication, allow time to go by with no indiscretions, THEN MAYBE start talking about swinging together.