Helping non-swingers understand swinging.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's interesting to try to see the view of others who aren't involved (or desiring to be) in the lifestyle.

 

Those few friends I have that know about my involvement have had varying reactions, add to that the reactions you see from some who come to this site and you are left wondering how do you explain the lifestyle to those outside of it so that they can "get it"?

 

Take the situation of someone who comes here trying to understand the lifestyle so that they can understand why their partner might wish to be involved in it. It becomes clear that the lifestyle isn't really meant for this couple and that one partner is pushing the other to make it part of their relationship. How do you explain to this person that swinging will not help their relationship?

 

Is it possible to understand what swinging is about and how it can work for others and still see why it won't work for you? Or is it an all or nothing thing? Where if you understand why it works then it has to work for you..... or if you can't understand why it won't work for you then you will never understand why it works for others?

 

Others may look at swingers and think of them as an exclusive club who believe that those who don't swing are less than them. Do you think this is true?

 

Do you feel that non-swingers have a place on this board? What about non-swingers who don't believe that swinging is right? What about ex-swingers who don't swing now but still understand what the lifestyle is about and support it? What's the difference?

[Amy and Mike 16]

This is interesting to us, since we're not swingers. I hope you don't feel that non-swingers have no place being involved here. This site is the best source of information I've seen yet on swinging. As we're both "curious", its great to be able to ask questions to people experienced with this.

[sportync 20]

I've heard it said that, "It is an educated mind that can consider an opposing view without necessiarily accepting it." This, I think, holds true in this context. Some people swing every weekend, while others might make it an occasional experience. They both swing, but for different reasons. I feel that a forum such as this one is here so that information may be shared. That said, I don't really see how someone might feel "superior" to someone else just because of the level of their sexual activity. Different strokes, right? This is a place for sharing ideas, experiences and questions. I don't see why anyone should feel less welcome on this board just because they don't go to orgies every weekend.

Chances are if someone decides not to swing, you are not going to change their mind on this board, but that's not the reason why it's here. You can help them to understand why you choose to swing. They can accept your views or not, but it's unlikely that you will change their own. You may help them to look at their own particular circumstances in a different light, or see things from a different angle. And that can be a good thing. Sportync

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Do you feel that non-swingers have a place on this board? What about non-swingers who don't believe that swinging is right? What about ex-swingers who don't swing now but still understand what the lifestyle is about and support it? What's the difference?

 

You raised some good points, but first I want to address the above quote.

 

Yes, I do believe non-swingers have a place on this board if for no other reason than because they have shown an interest. This is a place they can come to and read about swinging, have their questions answered, banter the pros and cons of the lifestyle. For some, swinging may always remain a fantasy, and that is OK, too.

 

However, I get a bit defensive when those that believe swinging is wrong continue to inject their negativity, their personal moral bias, and sometimes downright hostility, into the board. I have nary a problem with their choice to forego or reject the lifestyle...to each his own. You know...I like dogs. I don't particularly care for reptiles...or even cats, for that matter. But why on earth would I choose to go to a site for cat-lovers and try to convince each and everyone that their choice of pet is wrong. My lifestyle and choices are my responsibility and I don't need "saving" from those that choose otherwise. Just like I don't try to "save" them from what I believe they may be missing out on. Their lifestyle choice is their responsibility and it isn't up to me to dictate to them.

 

Ex-swingers? More than welcome, IMO. There are a variety of reasons people become "ex" in the lifestyle...age, health, inability to find compatible partners, other life focuses. I really believe swinging is "as much an attitude as a lifestyle choice." Another thing...we really can't say we are "ex" until we are dead and buried. Who knows when the perfect parnter(s), circumstances, etc., are right around the corner...someone that may have been an "ex" for a period of time might suddenly find themselves being active participants again.

 

I enjoy the new people that come here...I enjoy the lively conversations and debates. But constantly having to defend wears real thin after a while. Take those battles elsewhere.

 

- EBF

[RMRx2 24]

I think that this board speaks extremely well, in general, of the swinging community and the lifestyle. (There is a compliment for everyone buried here) For this reason, if no other, I think anyone who finds the site, and chooses to spend time here ,should continue to be welcome.

 

I do agree with EBF, if someone finds the site, and after viewing it's content, finds the subject matter offensive in some way,,,,,,,,,they should not stick around.

 

we love the site! we have found the people we have met so far to be wonderful! and we're glad newbies such as ourselves can be welcome,,,,,,,we also feel that paying close attention to the topics and advice here, we will stand a better chance of enjoying the lifestyle and not having to struggle with as many difficulties as those who maybe didn't have this resource.

 

wish we could meet everyone on the board!

 

rmrx2

[Amy and Mike 16]

Hi, this Mike (Amy posted on this last night)

I dont know if you realize what a great resource you've created here. We had only the most vauge understanding of what swinging was before we started reading this website. Doing a search for "swinging" brings up a list of mostly porn sites along with a few that give information, but this site has the daily input of many real swingers. Its informative and fun too (and sexy...we love the swinger stories) We've been reading the "new swingers" section since we're debating pros and cons about trying this, and have gotten so much out of it.

 

Obviously, there are going to be plenty of people who wont understand why people would want to do this...but at least the information is here for them.

[biblonde 22]

I believe everyone has a right to this board for the most part. We have been hanging around for quite awhile now and get lots of useful information and have learned alot being here. Some stuff i agree with and some that i dont. For the most part everyone on this board is friendly and helpful to those who ask REAL questions or just wanna joke around. I am really glad i found the board and will continue to visit. I feel swingers, non-swingers, and those just curious have every right to participate here .......

 

BUT....there are some that come here looking for trouble! I agree with EBF....I am getting tired of defending my choice to some of these. I have fallen more than once for some sob story to find out later they have posted before....wanting to degrade those of us that are in the lifestyle. They want ammo twards a spouse as to why they shouldnt be in this lifestyle which is getting old. I am learning before answering these posts to go back and see if they have been posting the same thing over and over again. These people have no business here!!!! These people need to understand this is a choice we that swing have made!! They have the choice not to. being a swinger or not being a swinger doesnt make you good or bad ....IT IS A CHOICE not a must do or dont do. Some look at sex as a sport and others look at sex as an expression of love....swinging is for some and not for others. I would never pressure someone into the lifestyle, and i get tired of those who try to make those of us that swing feel like we are in the wrong ( and sorry guys that aint working!!)

 

I think Julie and the other moderators do a great job here and there is so much information to learn or disagree with on this board. You guys keep up the good work !!!!! And to those small few that are totally against this lifestyle...GO AWAY!!

 

that is my 2 cents for today!

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by Amy and Mike

This is interesting to us, since we're not swingers. I hope you don't feel that non-swingers have no place being involved here. This site is the best source of information I've seen yet on swinging. As we're both "curious", its great to be able to ask questions to people experienced with this.

 

 

Amy and Mike...yes...I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we have no problem at all with non-swingers being here., and you are most welcome. That is part of the purpose of the board...a place to give those that are curious a place to investigate, learn...make rationale decisions based upon real information. And sometimes we even learn a great deal from those that have not chosen to swing. My only issues are with those that are vehemently opposed to the idea of swinging, yet want to come here to berate me for my lifestyle choice.

 

- EBF

[windsor4fun2 130]

Originally posted by Elusive BiFem

However, I get a bit defensive when those that believe swinging is wrong continue to inject their negativity, their personal moral bias, and sometimes downright hostility, into the board. I have nary a problem with their choice to forego or reject the lifestyle...to each his own

 

I could not agree more with this. This board and others on the internet, whether they discuss swinging, religion, sports or any other subject are there for peoples enjoyment.

People that post to a board simple to annoy and cause trouble should be taken behind the wood shed and have a flamethrow placed up their posterior.

 

Jesse

[yawanna 17]

Others may look at swingers and think of them as an exclusive club who believe that those who don't swing are less than them. Do you think this is true?

 

One thing I've noticed on this board, compared to other boards that are sponsored by local swingers clubs, there is an almost complete lack of what I'll call politics, which is part of what Julie posted.

 

Around here, there is great competitiveness amongst swingers and the clubs. Who has more sex? With how many? One upmanship. I was talking in one of those chat rooms about an onpremise we attended, and I was asked point blank 'yes but...did you get laid??' Young swingers is a big trend as being perceived as an untapped market. So we hear a lot of duragatory comments about age and body size.

 

I think most swingers know this isn't for everyone. And how do they know that? Because they have an understanding of the mindset and relationship you must have to participate and not have it blow up on you But we see many many people getting into swinging when they have unstable relationships or they trade up taking a boytoy over a husband. Very sad.

 

A mindset isn't something easily changed or influenced. I think sometimes the people coming here to find out more are looking for, as wrnakedru posted, ammo to use against swinging as a whole, or toward their partner to stop the 'let's swing!' requests.

 

I think the majority here are people in it or considering it, and whether they have done this yet or not, I see no reason that people with a legitimate interest or concern not be allowed to post here. Trolls on the other hand... flamethrow

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Originally posted by sportync

Chances are if someone decides not to swing, you are not going to change their mind on this board, but that's not the reason why it's here. You can help them to understand why you choose to swing. They can accept your views or not, but it's unlikely that you will change their own. You may help them to look at their own particular circumstances in a different light, or see things from a different angle. And that can be a good thing. Sportync

 

Do you feel like anyone on this board has ever tried to use this board to convince others to swing?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Ok, I don't think I ever got my real question out in my original post.

 

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about? How do we help them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them? Or how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice? Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own?

[yawanna 17]

Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own?

 

Yes! After reading what swingers 'do' and what they think,people can decide if they want to explore further, or not.

 

After that it's a matter of logistics and rules and agreements for the couple to decide upon.

 

I quite frankly get uncomfortable with postings such as Tarnished Halo and rcanddi (?). I have never seen any posting that I perceived as being trying to 'convince' someone to get into swinging. Posting back and forth with someone who is in a bad situation such as theirs, the angst about swinging, could be taken by them as 'us' participating in that bad situation? They then seem to make judgments about our morality and all that.

[RMRx2 24]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Ok, I don't think I ever got my real question out in my original post.

 

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about? How do we help them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them? Or how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice? Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own?

 

We are new, this board has been wonderful, is there a question in your mind that it isn't? or could be better?

 

yes the questions are worth asking, and I think all those who actively participate need to think about them from time to time. if we did so more, flaming threads might not get started

 

How do we help non swingers understand the lifestyle?

 

Be here, Be responsible with our posts. Answer questions with sincerity and respect.

 

What about the lifestyle possibly not being for them?

 

We tell them what's involved and we say it may not be for everyone. I am ALWAYS IMPRESSED how quickly a unhealthy situation will be recognized, identified, and someone(many) will post just that

 

Do we expect them to read and understand on thier own?

 

they are welcomed with 3-4 pages of howdy's and open invitation to join in the threads, thier questions are answered,,,,,and answered again if misunderstood,,,,,,,,but ya,,,,,,,,they have to participate and be able to read.

 

this board works very well, but we should think about this to always be mindful that not everyone is on the same page, has the same expierence,,,,,,,,or even the same bodies,,,,,,,,,I hate anatomy or body threads (very counter productive),,,,,we're all here with what we we're given

 

rmrx2

[good times 991]

This is a great thread as I just responded to another thread where the person doesn't seem to get it and was wodering these same things. I think I tend to agree with what everyone has said so far but I would have to say I frequent a few boards on other topics and the people here are much more considerate and uderstanding of alternate views than any other board that I have been involved with. The members here even seem to go out of their way to make people feel welcome no matter what their views on a subject. I find this very refreshing and much appreciated.

 

R

[Handyman69 15]

I certainly am not on to change people's view of swinging or not. I enjoying hearing from everyone. I think most put their answers down in terms that all understand (without making people feel defensive). I do, however, get my dander up when someone tries to make swinging wrong. We are adults...we should act like adults. But I do think both non-swingers and swingers should be allowed on the board.

 

We are here to voice our experiences...and ask question if we don't quite understand or want to gather some knowledge. We are not here to cut another person down...simple...

 

I have had the honor of meeting many people from the board, most I will never meet face to face but I value their insights...

 

Hope this makes sense,

 

Rhonda

[BradAndJanet 70]

So many good questions, Julie!

 

I'll take a stab at a few...

 

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

...

Take the situation of someone who comes here trying to understand the lifestyle so that they can understand why their partner might wish to be involved in it. It becomes clear that the lifestyle isn't really meant for this couple and that one partner is pushing the other to make it part of their relationship. How do you explain to this person that swinging will not help their relationship?

It can be difficult, as we've seen. Often these people have been put into the situation by a partner who implies (or outright says) that otherwise they'll cheat on them anyway. Swinging may look like a 'better' alternative, when in actuality, they're just being blackmailed. You have to try to get them to see it that way, to see that they're being bullied by their partner. Someone who truly loved them would not put their own needs above all else. Relationships should be partnerships. No one (except for perhaps true sexual addicts) needs to swing.

 

You have to keep pounding the point that their partner is being extremely selfish and that if they allow themselves to be pushed around, what incentive will there ever be for that partner to stop? Ask them if they are willing to allow their partner to have sex with other people, over and over and over again. Ask them what kind of relationship that would be for them. It seems to me, generally speaking, that the relationship is already over, but one or both of the partners just does not want to let go of it. Giving what amounts to an open invitation to cheat won't help it.

 

Is it possible to understand what swinging is about and how it can work for others and still see why it won't work for you? Or is it an all or nothing thing? Where if you understand why it works then it has to work for you..... or if you can't understand why it won't work for you then you will never understand why it works for others?

Yes, I think it is possible to understand it and to also understand why it won't work for you. For example, one half of a couple might come here, explore around, but then find that their partner does not share their desire, would be too jealous or have some other strong negative feelings about it. In that case, they might, having read the posts here, understand what swinging is about, but also know that they will have to walk away. Or, a person might understand what is involved, but not share the same view that love and sex can be separated.

 

Others may look at swingers and think of them as an exclusive club who believe that those who don't swing are less than them. Do you think this is true?

I haven't encountered this attitude, but I'm sure it exists. It's not unusual for any group of people to look down on outsiders. It's partially a defensive move, particularly for a group whose activities are looked upon by the majority as being immoral and illegal. It's a way of asserting to themselves that they are 'right' and the others are 'wrong'. By and large though, I have not seen many people here act that way.

 

Do you feel that non-swingers have a place on this board? What about non-swingers who don't believe that swinging is right? What about ex-swingers who don't swing now but still understand what the lifestyle is about and support it? What's the difference?

I think there is room for all types of people here. We were all 'non-swingers' once, of course. Debate is fine, we can all learn a thing or two from a good one. I would take offense, however, to anyone who came here to call names, proselytize, or generally raise a ruckus. That isn't the purpose of this board; let them create their own for that.

 

-B

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Ok, I don't think I ever got my real question out in my original post.

 

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about? How do we help them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them? Or how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice? Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own?

 

The only way any swinger can help a non-swinger understand what swinging is about is by relating their personal experiences about what it is like for them, as we all have our own concept and definition of what swinging - for us. Individually. Some like groups, some couples, some single males or females. Some are bi and some not. And even within these subgroups, various activities are shared with partners, but not by all. Swinging is a concept, IMO..an idea. It is not something that can be factually defined or examined as one would a specific item. But then, even intercourse and all of the surrounding activities of intercourse take on different meaning for different people.

 

As for helping them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them...again, basically the same answer. We can only tell people what swinging is according to our own definition, and we can only encourage them to look at the various definitions and make that decision for themselves. Certainly, if they are overly and/or overtly jealous, we can tell them it likely won't be an activity they will enjoy. If they have a poor self-concept of their body, we can tell them to visit a club where they will see others with less than perfect bodies...and possibly feel better about themselves. But people have to make their own choices, ultimately. And I think what we do here, for the most part, is to allow them to make those choices with benefit of the experience of others. Above all, we almost always encourage people to swing because they want to swing and not because they are being coerced into it by spouses, etc.

 

And the above comments also address the question related to

...how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice?

 

And finally, yes. It is a matter of them reading and understanding on their own. In the end. This is a message board. There is no other real mechanism for helping them to understand. We encourage people to attend clubs...take a look for themselves without feeling pressure. Read the board...read the archives...ask questions...discuss with their partner. What else can be done to help them understand. Even if the hypothetical person was my neighbor and best friend...I really could not do much more than that...offer the material, encourage reading (or studying), encourage questions, etc. Beyond that, none of us can take a person by the hand and lead them to swinging. Again, it is a concept...a state of mind as much as an activitiy... and until people understand that concept, they can't understand swinging.

 

Is this what you are looking for?

 

- EBF

[biblonde 22]

"Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Ok, I don't think I ever got my real question out in my original post.

 

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about? How do we help them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them? Or how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice? Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own? "

 

I think this board already does this. The curious or newbies, or even the ones that have been swinging for a long time only have to read to get info on almost anything you can imagine!! and get responses from those who are anti-swinging to those who are hard core swingers. They get a view from every standpoint! I think with all the viewpoints they can come to decide if they wish to be a part of this lifestyle or not. This is the only board i have found that has given so much information on every topic you could ever imagine and then some. You dont have to agree with everyone and they dont have to agree with you. Which is what makes it great....makes you think and see things in different aspects of the lifestyle. There have been many times when i said "oh didnt think of it that way".

 

This site is a place to ask questions, make friends, debate, and even play games (thanks miss piggy, cool game) As far as i see most make everyone feel welcome and try to honestly answer all questions asked. I know i wish i found this site before we started to swing.....I had alot of feelings in the begining that i wondered if i was the only one who felt that way. I had lots of questions run through my mind with no place to ask..since i have found this board most of them have been answered from reading others questions and replys.

 

so i have to say Julie you have done a great service with this site ! and i am sure the rest agree with me on that .....I thank you for giving everyone a place to go and get info!

 

s

[LadyCleo 16]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Do you feel that non-swingers have a place on this board? What about non-swingers who don't believe that swinging is right? What about ex-swingers who don't swing now but still understand what the lifestyle is about and support it? What's the difference?

 

Yes, non-swingers have a place here.

I do not think that non-swingers that do not think that it is right should stay here for very long though.

When I came ot this board, I was a non-swinger. I even felt that it was heartbreaking to think of my husband having sex, or desiring sex, with another woman...let alone have me watch or participate. But after reading literally HUNDREDS of posts and asking tons of questions, I decided that I could take the plunge. And I am SOOOOOO glad that I did.

Our sex life is so much better than it ever was and that's before adding others into the mix. We are communicating on a level not previously known to either of us. We are having a great time.

 

I think that the people who use this board to try to make participants in the lifestyle feel as if they are doing wrong or use it as their personal sounding board as additional ammo to stick to their spouse, should not be here.

 

Swingers taking a break, for however long they wish, should most definately be here. I think that their insight could be most helpful to people who have not taken the plunge, newbies, and people up to their eyeballs in the lifestyle.

 

LC

[C@YWMI 15]

My wife and I haven't yet commited yet to the lifestyle. We have been interested in this for 2 years now. And with all honesty if it hasn't happened yet yet it probably won't. So it makes me wonder why should I hang around here and waste Julie's bandwith or should I leave? I find the post help me with my everyday questions about sex, since it is hard to talk about some of these in a work place enviorment. And now a days it can get you fired if you bring up sexual questions at work The people that freguent this site are amazingly well spokan and knowledgeble about the lifestyle and life in general. I really don't bring a lot to the board as far as helpful advise. So should I leave or should I cash in my membership(so to speak) and be a visitor when those questions arise? I always hated users and the more I think about I am becoming a user not a giver at this site. Well any way I will it mull this over. Great question Julie

[riffnbrat 15]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Ok, I don't think I ever got my real question out in my original post.

 

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about? How do we help them understand that it might not be a lifestyle choice for them? Or how do we help them understand enough about swinging to for them to make the choice? Is it a matter of expecting them to read and understand on their own?

 

 

Being honest on my part: It took alot of reading in this forum for me to finally deside ok lets do it... For a while I wasnt sure what to think of the lifestyle.

 

There are questions that we ask and answers that we may not like but we all compromise with what we wanna do in the lifestyle.

 

 

Am i right?

 

 

I am Brat and he is Riff

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by C@YWMI

My wife and I haven't yet commited yet to the lifestyle. We have been interested in this for 2 years now. And with all honesty if it hasn't happened yet yet it probably won't. So it makes me wonder why should I hang around here and waste Julie's bandwith or should I leave? I find the post help me with my everyday questions about sex, since it is hard to talk about some of these in a work place enviorment. And now a days it can get you fired if you bring up sexual questions at work The people that freguent this site are amazingly well spokan and knowledgeble about the lifestyle and life in general. I really don't bring a lot to the board as far as helpful advise. So should I leave or should I cash in my membership(so to speak) and be a visitor when those questions arise? I always hated users and the more I think about I am becoming a user not a giver at this site. Well any way I will it mull this over. Great question Julie

I'd miss you terribly

 

Please don't go away! Your posts have been insightful (and amusing at times) and you are a real asset around here.

 

-B

[ionsawmill 86]

There's no reason to proselytize. What many people of many different religions, political groups, social groups, etc. don't realize is that the best way to convince people that your way of life is acceptable, if not desirable, is to live your life the way you want to and let people see that you are happy and content. Happy swingers are the best advertising the lifestyle can ever hope for.

 

Beyond that, I don't think we have any means or obligation to make people understand swinging, any more than bungie jumpers and skydivers have an obligation to explain the benefits of extreme sports.

 

My in-laws are all teetotalers. When I go out with some of the more open-minded members of my wife's familly, I'll order a drink or two. I consider myself the Goodwill Ambassador for Alcohol. I don't sit there extolling the virtues of drink; I just drink responsibly so that they can see that not everyone who drinks is an alcohol abuser.

 

Will I change their minds? — Probably not.

 

Do I have an obligation to do so? — None at all.

 

Is there any benefit to me if they do drink? — None whatsoever.

 

I look at swinging the same way.

 

With regards to non-swingers on the board, I think that a dissenting view is always healthy in any discussion. I've played the part of Devil's Advocate on this board and others and will continue to do so. Those lack confidence in their own beliefs are often the first to try to bar dissenters from philosophical discussions.

 

In a way, I'm both a non-swinger and a swinger. My wife and I have commited ourselves to finding a compatible swing partner, but we're not there yet. Hopefully, we have a place on this board right alongside those who swing frequently.

[ionsawmill 86]

I think you should stick around. You don't have to be a swinger to offer advice on swinging.

 

I'm a regular contributor to a message board on pagan/Wiccan issues. I've been complimented several times for bringing to light important issues. I take part in discussions and offer my opinion, which is all anyone can hope to bring to a message board. The kicker? I'm not a pagan or a Wiccan. I'm an atheist.

 

Don't think you have nothing to offer just because you're not an active swinger. That you are here at all shows an interest in the subject and not all of the discussions on this site relate solely to swinging. For example, there are discussions on sex toys and safe sex. You don't have to be a swinger to comment on either of these topics.

[YoungCoupleInMinneapolis 15]

One point I'd like to bring up that it seems everybody has been kind of pointing towards but haven't actually said is this: The vast majority of people, in our experience, that frown upon or don't understand swinging have relationships that tend to be rocky, ridden with jealousy, or worse. And sometimes slightly better.

 

My wife and I have what we consider to be the absolute perfect relationship. We both share identical intersts when it comes to sex ans swinging, and after 6 years together are both still madly in love...

 

We have this understanding, and absolute 100% complete trust in one another. Swinging to us was a natural progression, because our relationship eventually grew to be as strong as it possibly could, and so in place of worries and jealousy, we decided maximum pleasure was a good route to take.

 

We have yet to tell our lifestyle to any of our friends without having them immediately have some kind of hangups/prosyletizing/issues with the lifestyle. It just so happens that none of our friends who have a problem with our choice have a relationship that we would come close to admitting was as solid as ours.

 

People can only identify with what they know in regards to relationships, and so they picture themselves in our shoes, and immediately they forsee the problems they would have swinging and assume that those problems should be universals to the lifestyle.

 

As can be seen by the great people on this msg board, the trusting, confident swingers also unanimously enjoy great relationships with their partner. Sometime we forget how lucky we are to have what we do, and rather than try and impose our life on our friends, we try to explain why we have no problems doing what we do because our relationship is so perfect. I think people have realized their own shortcomings because of things we have said, and if it helps people realize what they need to work through, than we've done all we can.

 

All of you with a healthy relationship and great sex life, remember how lucky you are.

[jen 16]

Having just looked up the word proselytize on dictionary.com, it seems that many things can be taught & learned here.

 

Swinging, while being the main topic is just that - the main ingredient. The first thing that brought us all here. Each from a different place to this place.

 

Each coming here with ideas worth exploring, information worth sharing, and hearts worth befriending. Each of us is trying, learning and has something to teach the rest.

 

Certainly, I can't comment on the actual act of swinging from any first hand experience. I have none & don't know that I ever will.

 

At the same time, I can comment on my ponderings of the idea, while gaining the knowledge and friendships of others here.

 

I have already found plenty of useful information allowing for increased awareness of the lifestyle.

 

I think that if you are here - you found your way from something inside you that told you to look...because of that - you belong here. For yourself and everyone, you should stay.

 

Who knows when a topic may come up that you and only you have the key which opens the door for it's poster. That door might or might not be one of swinging, still, it will be a door needing the key you are holding.

 

Everyone has something to contribute, and more will be gained with all types included.

 

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Is it possible to understand what swinging is about and how it can work for others and still see why it won't work for you?

 

Yes, it is possible to understand within yourself, if you’re looking objectively and honestly. No one can do that for you.

 

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Or is it an all or nothing thing? Where if you understand why it works then it has to work for you..... or if you can't understand why it won't work for you then you will never understand why it works for others?

 

 

It can’t be all or nothing for me. There are plenty of things that work for so many people and not for me. I can’t base my life and the choices within my life on my neighbor.

 

What I can do, is gain as much knowledge as I can about any given subject, then think and think some more till I decide for myself.

 

If boards like this one limited themselves to only actual swingers, how would non or nearly swingers gain any knowledge at all?

 

To make a “lifestyle” decision, isn’t it best to talk with and learn from those who are already part of that world?

 

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Others may look at swingers and think of them as an exclusive club who believe that those who don't swing are less than them. Do you think this is true?

 

 

I have not found this to be true within this board.

 

As a current non-swinger, there have been only two occasions where I have felt less then welcome within the postings of this board. Neither of those were based on swinging or not swinging.

 

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Do you feel that non-swingers have a place on this board? What about non-swingers who don't believe that swinging is right? What about ex-swingers who don't swing now but still understand what the lifestyle is about and support it? What's the difference?

 

If someone is here who believes that swinging is wrong, & tries to convince others, they most likely aren’t going to be around here very long.

 

Plus, who that swings is going to agree? So, if they want to come along and post, let them. They may just find a way to cope, then, live and let live. If not, wish them well as they head for the door, still live and let live.

 

Swingers, ex-swingers, non swingers, singles, couples, sneetches with stars on their belly’s good grief!

 

Wanted;

 

A place where people can go and be accepted for the content of their character. Always.

 

[OhioCouple 40]

My personal feelings are that everyone should be accepted here. Whether they swing or not.

 

When I first starting coming to this board, we were not swingers. I read and read and read and then signed up, when I felt it was a safe place to hang out and learn more about this lifestyle and to try and determine if it was right for us or not. Even tho we were not swingers, a couple of long time members here welcomed my questions with open arms and helped me to find the path that was right for us, thru much discussion on this board. Even if we had decided that it wasn't for us, I found an abundance of information on here that in fact enhanced our own personal sexual lives, therefore I would have remained an active member, even if we chose to never swing.

 

I think one important thing to remember is that 'Knowledge is Power', 'Ignorance is not bliss, it will take you down in the end'.

 

Mrs. O

[BettyAnnMBSC 24]

How do we help non-swingers who come to this board to understand what swinging is all about?

 

Hubby relates a comment that veterans make often. After listening a few times as he and old buddies recounted memories; and after being awakened by more than a few bad dreams... I know he's right:

 

"I can tell someone all about what war was like, but if you weren't there to see and smell and hear and feel it -- you can never understand... "

 

I think then that we can tell those not in the lifestyle all about it - the good and the bad. If they haven't experienced it though -- they can't possibly fully comprehend.

 

They can consider and imagine and even fantasize about what it's like. They can apply their own world view and stereotypes to the idea. They can discuss it among those in the lifestyle and out and reach all manner of conclusion. But if they haven't experienced any of those experiences we call "the lifestyle" then they can only imagine and won't truly understand until they do share that experience.

 

Even within a coupling, there may be multiple views of what it's about. I'd imagine that a young woman who has experienced sexual pleasure with only one man her entire life has a different view of swinging than the young man who has experienced pleasure at the hands of more than a few young women in his time.

 

That we lump together a very wide range of socio-sexual activities into the all encompassing LIFESTYLE descriptor doesn't make it any easier on those seeking answers....

 

Soft swing vs hard swing; same room vs out-of-sight; club/party vs private; mfm, fmf, mfmf; singles vs couples; bi vs str8; bi vs bi-receptive/curious; out-dating vs play-together... it could be mind-boggling

 

Too, we have those stereotypes that have followed the lifestyle for ages. Many expect to find us enjoying orgies every night and travelling to clothing optional resorts on the weekend (not that either is bad) while others expect that they can "show [us] things we've never thought of before..." (possible but highly doubtful)

 

Some seem to think we're all in this because we're missing intimacy in our own relationship (and some are) while others think we're all insatiable nymphomaniacs, lonely housewives, or plain old-fashioned sluts.

 

While we probably can't make them understand, our musings on this board does at least offer them (anyone) some vision into who we are, how we feel, and what we really do at playtime.

[dave_susie2001 15]

A single female coworker of mine (Dave) is a very good friend of ours. She is very intelligent and you can’t pull the wool over her eyes very easily. After about a year of being friends, she came right out and asked us if we were swingers. Needless to say, we didn’t know how to respond. Our silence was confirmation of her suspicions. This was about 6 months ago, and our friendship has grown as a result of our original silent admission.

 

She knows what we do. She asks questions, and expresses a genuine intellectual interest in swinging. Once, we mentioned that we were going to take some pictures of ourselves and jokingly asked her to be the camera person. To our amazement, she agreed. She is not in the lifestyle, and to have a non-swinger not only watch us have sex, but to actually take 200 digital pictures was unbelievable…but that’s another story!

 

She has many questions and we suspect that she may be interested in swinging. We showed her this site and she has read many posts with us concerning newbies, STDs jealousy, and many other swinging issues. Anyway, the point of this post is that even though she has never posted here, she has learned a lot about swinging. I’m not too sure if she knows what swinging is “all about” but she has a much better understanding of the lifestyle than she would have had we not shown her The Swinger’s Board.

 

The bottom line here is we believe that the best way that this site can help a non-swinger is for them to read the posts and ask questions. Either post them here on the board, or…if they are lucky enough to have friends that swing and confide this information to them…to their friends in person. Then the swingers that answer these questions have the responsibility to do so honestly, with respect, and the understanding that swinging may not be the best choice for everyone.

 

Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet

So many good questions, Julie!

 

 

You have to keep pounding the point that their partner is being extremely selfish and that if they allow themselves to be pushed around, what incentive will there ever be for that partner to stop? Ask them if they are willing to allow their partner to have sex with other people, over and over and over again. Ask them what kind of relationship that would be for them. It seems to me, generally speaking, that the relationship is already over, but one or both of the partners just does not want to let go of it. Giving what amounts to an open invitation to cheat won't help it.

 

 

 

-B

 

How long do you pound before you throw your hands up in the air and realize that no matter what you say you aren't getting through? How long do you try and fail before you just give up trying?

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

How long do you pound before you throw your hands up in the air and realize that no matter what you say you aren't getting through? How long do you try and fail before you just give up trying?

 

At some point, you have to stop pounding away at them, and for me, that point comes relatively soon. It isn't my "job" to convince someone that swinging is for them, and frankly, I don't want that responsibility in the event it doesn't work out. They need to be able to ask the questions they need to ask, receive the answers, then follow with a decision for themselves that they make based upon the info received. If it isn't for them, so be it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

The other thing...there are so many aspects of "swinging." Just look at this board as an example of that. Certainly, if anyone has any interest at all, they can find their own niche.

 

- EBF

[ionsawmill 86]

Julie,

 

Is this a rhetorical question, or is there someone in your life whom you need to convince?

 

If it's rhetorical, and you're just looking for success stories, then ask around. I'm sure many swingers at this site were convinced to accept and then attempt swinging after reading the posts here.

 

If it's a specific person, then the work you put into changing their perception of the lifestyle should be proportional to how much you value their opinion.

 

T.H.

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie

How long do you pound before you throw your hands up in the air and realize that no matter what you say you aren't getting through? How long do you try and fail before you just give up trying?

I suppose you continue as long as you care about that person

 

But yes, there is a limit to how long I will continue to try to help someone who isn't getting the message. I am pretty tolerant and compassionate, perhaps more than most, and I am also very stubborn. It takes a lot to get me to quit caring.

 

-B