Change - Mr now only turned on by swinging?

[user69 17]

Just curious, we've been in the lifestyle for a 3+ years, other than knowing Mr was incredibly turned on and enhancing OUR sex life because of that, when we've incorporated others, I've not had any positive scenarios - but not ready to give it up.

 

He experiences ED (age,job stress)we've always been up front with other's about that, and have experienced "bi F" that really was only Bi for her boyfriend (2X's) or scenarios that I felt the guy was just not into me - I don't need bad - faked sex, thank you.

 

BUT, it seems the past 4 months, (highest levels of stress in all the time we've been together) the only way he is into ME at all is if we are at a club, watch porn or he is thinking about the last or next time we're involved with another person or couple. It's starting to take a toll on me mentally...."does he no longer desire just me?" "is it only outside stimulation that makes it interesting?" We've had an incredibly satifying sex life (numerous times weekly), for the past years we've been together (less than 10 yrs) I've not gained weight, done anything differently, in fact have been way more "out there" sexually, and we are down to 1-2 times a month. Wondering if this has been an experience of others. Do you get "de-sensitized" and only turned on during a "swinging mindset"?? (I know it's noted typically it "enhances an already great relationship" normally.....and I thought it was......but.....)

 

Would love to hear other's experiences.

-Not complaining - just concerned.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I will add more of my thoughts later but for now, briefly:

 

• Yes, this is a reason for concern.

• You are not the reason for the problem.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think when things get overwhelming, humans have a tendency to first let slip the things we are most familiar with and that we take for granted even though we know we shouldn't. I don't know why that is, but you see it over and over in lots of things. It's not healthy though, and it's certainly not your fault.

 

What I would try to do is to make more time for both of you. I know with job and family demands that can be difficult, but even a few extra minutes here and there is a start and something you can build on to start to dial back the crazy and get back to a more healthy life balance. Do things together that are fun, but not necessarily swinging. If by mutual agreement swinging stays a part of the fun, then that's fine, just don't make it the only fun. Knowing just what little we do about the situation, my guess is he is badly in need of "escape". Not from you, although I can see how it feels that way, but from life in general, and those opportunities are coming far too infrequently. Swinging can certainly be an escape, but it's by no means the only escape, so try finding some others that are an escape for you both and that you can enjoy together and then mix things up some.

 

In terms of getting desensitized, I can't say that has even happened to us. Swinging isn't an every weekend thing for us, not even remotely close to that, so we've never really been in a situation where that problem could even arise.

[luvin eye full 140]

Do you think he is in any way depressed? some times folks will focus on other things out side their relationship to try and find a fix (take there mind off things like stress and so on).

 

I think for you guys it would be better to stop for a while and reconnect - take time - no Make time for you two even if it's one arvo/night per week spend or set aside a few hours just to get your mojo back together.

 

Even if there is no sex just take time to touch each other, the more you do it the better the connection - but take swinging off the table for now.

 

Hope it works out.

Regards.

[Guest]

Drawing on my own experiences I'd say I'm very similar.

 

That most of the time I only get turned on by thinking about swinging.

 

It actually worried me for a while, but firstly I realised that most of the time I fantasise about my partner been pleasured, that its the act of seeing my partner pleased that turns me on a lot. But secondly I realised that without my partner my options for swinging would be drastically limited, with her a lot of things are possible, without her I'm just another single guy.

 

Not sure if that made sense but basically a lot of my swinging desires does actually evolve around my partner.

[CostaRica 130]

Could it be the social aspect of swinging that is making the difference and not the sex?

 

I know for me and my husband, when we're at home together all week with all the mundane things going on around us we slip into very low sex drives, it's definitely different when we swing and we're both much more turned on, but we get the same effect if we go out for a night on the town with our vanilla friends, or if we take a trip and we're in a hotel room. It may be that it's not the swinging is causing him to get excited, but simply the change in routine.

 

Perhaps take a break from swinging and try to break up your routine with some together time away from the house and the everyday stresses that life comes with and see if that helps.

[Wornsilver 219]

I am taking testosterone therapy (shots every two weeks) and also take a blue pill some times. Helps a lot. Think about the medical aspect.

 

Also, don't know your age, but that may have a lot to do with hubby.

 

Just my thoughts. Reiterate the OP--not your fault.

[user69 17]

Thanks for the honesty and a male perspective, it makes sense. I believe that would be very similar answer he'd give. Unfortunately, as I've taken time to review our experiences over the past years, while he loves seeing me pleasured, I've yet to have an experience in which that was truly the situation. I've tried to not "take on for the team" but it's hard to not let him have fun just because there is no mutual connection with me and the other. In being honest - I did let him know that I believed part of the "problem" that I was struggling with in this lifestyle is that I have yet to actually desire another - I want him. Hard to come up with a solution for that one. Appreciate the feedback!

[NWAtlSwing 522]

Most of our dirty talk while in bed is swinging related

[user69 17]

Yes - age and job stress are a big factor. Thanks for trying to take it off my shoulders, deep down I think I know that, however, it can be a mind game at times. I also know he is totally a visual person which is why the lifestyle and all it has to offer is such a turn on. I'm completely opposite and get no excitement on watching others...so it's hard for me to relate. Thanks again for taking the time to comment!

[dan63 106]

Just curious user69, have you ever taken the lead to find someone that you are at least semi attracted to?

 

Do you find ANY other men attractive?

 

Also, do you have any kind of background (religious, family)that makes you feel that swinging is just wrong/a sin?

 

It sounds like a tough situation and not sure if swinging is right for you guys.

 

Dan

[luvin eye full 140]

user69

 

Did the ED start before or after you started swinging?

I really think that you guys need to take a break - even more so now that you have said it's not your thing really because your into him not so much others,

is there any thing else that could satisfy both his visual needs and your want for him? maybe a zoig account or some thing ( i don't know just trying to think lol )

 

But some thing you both are more on the same page - let us know how it goes though.

[user69 17]

Thanks for the reply - yes, I do find some other men attractive. I have noted to my guy that I DO feel the problem is I HAVE to desire the other person, and there is a combination of lack of that type of guy in the lifestyle in our area (race) AND the experience of the guys I have been with not into me - feeling like going thru the motions, If it's bad or fake sex, what is the point? (other than my partner is enjoying his time with the swap) I am sure that many of us have struggled initially with the idea of swinging as it's against societal norms, I was open enough to it, but am questioning why we're doing if the experience sucked so much that I try to forget. The last 2 times were so awkward that I couldn't even discuss in a normal "de-brief" conversation with my guy. I wanted to forget it, and never discuss it. (nothing horrible happened, In 1 instance "she" was NOT "BI" like she said she "totally was" and I basically was like, "can I please dis-entangle my leg from you 3 and just go shower" and the other instance it was a couple that BOTH were "pillow princes" (not sure if that can be for a male - not sure the term. :-) - neither reciprocated ANYTHING, um, ok, then.... I felt like I've really tried to be open to experiences, but the more open I am, the less positive any situation is for me. (not for him) We have stopped for now, I'm keeping an open mind, and maybe if we find a couple that clicks it will be different.

[user69 17]

Thanks for the questions and response. ED was a natural progression of aging and health issue - so not changed by the lifestyle. As far as satisfying him visually - he has always watched porn on a regular (daily) basis. Sometimes this has weighed on me as I also attribute this to "if you need OUTSIDE stimulation to want ME - what's the point" I guess it's a mind game on my part - I can acknowledge that and have read that perhaps this is what some men need. (especially a very visual one) Guess I'm just being un-realistic to think I could be desirable "just because" - it's what I feel so.....shouldn't everyone think like me?! :-)

At this point we have pulled back from the lifestyle - I think there was too much of ME associating with his pleasure with another woman and my perception of lack of desire for ME coupled with MY very unsatisfying experience, that it was just more than I wanted to deal with any longer. Will have to see where things go. :-)

[PassionFruit 17]

Op, I feel exactly the same, swinging seems to have overtaken. I long for the sex session where he wants to have sex because he fancies me and not because he's getting his rocks off about swinging. A sad situation and difficult to rectify. Maybe some sex starvation?

[luvin eye full 140]

Yer when it more about swinging and less about real life partners then i get what your sayin for sure -

 

Time to rekindle the fires i think - but it will take two to want to do it. I think some times every one goes off track and needs to rethink who and what is important in there life.

 

now you probly have done this but i'll say it any way.

 

1. Stop swinging all together -

2. Sit him down a have ( or try to have ) a straight talking conversation about every thing your not happy with. ( remember there is nagging and there is talking )

3. realize swinging is not the problem - the problem comes from taking each other for granted / this kind of swinging needs full team work

4. make time just for the two of you. / you don't have to have sex just be with each other and do something you guys like doing together - ( if that's wild sex ok then lol )

 

I know you know all this anyway - but sometimes we all need to be reminded - and that's the point to remind him that you are number one ( which he knows anyway - but takes for granted )

 

Lastly - while ED may not be a problem to you i bet it's more of a problem to him then you think - most men see it as failing and it can be a really hard thing to handle for lots of guys ( i would dare say 95% of them - but try and get them to admit it no way )

Sure as you get older and stuff it happens - but if i were you i would look more closely at why he's doing what he's doing and why. Just a thought - i may be of base.