Telling teen and/or adult children you swing

[Sexykitty6364 38]

We have friends in the LS whose children suspect what is going on. They have been confronted and rather than tell them their private lives are private and not their concern, with an additional dose of reassurance that they are in love and their marriage is strong, they have decided to tell them they are indeed in the LS.

 

Their reasoning was that their kids suffer from anxiety and not knowing would make it worse. I could not disagree more. Now every time their children know they are out somewhere or with someone....every time any of us post a picture on FB or comments, even an innocent vanilla post like "I love your new haircut", their kids ask--"Is that someone you're having sex with?" This also exposes many of us who are their friends to their kids outing US to OUR kids by their potential comments online and in person...

 

I personally feel and have always felt that all my children need to know about my life is that I am their parent, I am there for them and always will be, and I love them. What I do is MY BUSINESS.

 

How do you feel about your children (or other family, for that matter) knowing you are in the LS?

[sweetsnspeed 52]

We have friends in the LS whose children suspect what is going on. They have been confronted and rather than tell them their private lives are private and not their concern, with an additional dose of reassurance that they are in love and their marriage is strong, they have decided to tell them they are indeed in the LS.

 

Their reasoning was that their kids suffer from anxiety and not knowing would make it worse. I could not disagree more. Now every time their children know they are out somewhere or with someone....every time any of us post a picture on FB or comments, even an innocent vanilla post like "I love your new haircut", their kids ask--"Is that someone you're having sex with?" This also exposes many of us who are their friends to their kids outing US to OUR kids by their potential comments online and in person...

 

I personally feel and have always felt that all my children need to know about my life is that I am their parent, I am there for them and always will be, and I love them. What I do is MY BUSINESS.

 

How do you feel about your children (or other family, for that matter) knowing you are in the LS?

 

I agree that what parents/Adults do on their time is really none of their children's business. Especially if they also interact with their playmates in the vanilla world (i.e. family barbecues, parties, etc.). That is just asking for trouble, for them and their kids. Them because, let's face it, unless it is something they don't want their parents to find out, kids are hard pressed not to tell a secret to their BFF(s). And then their BFFs will tell their BFFs and so on, until somewhere down the telephone game line, it happens across a child whose parents are not swingers, and then Kaboom! for their kids because when the telephone game hits the wrong kids, they are going to have a hard time in their social groups, especially in the teen years (those little buggers can be really cruel and relentless).

 

We had a situation (since we haven't had the opportunity to meet the right couple to be more than friends with) where our teenage daughter (late teens) discovered a few adult toys by accident. That talk kind of went like: "We are older, yes, but we are not dead, and these toys just help add a little spice or fun to keep our physical relationship fresh and exciting". Upon which, she said, "Oh, I knew what it was.. my friend (when she was in 5th grade at the time)used to sneak her mom's out and run into the bedroom and say see what I found in my moms room! So i assume it is pretty common".

 

Fortunately she didn't discover the whips chains and leather mask.... lol just kidding we're not into BDSM (not that there is something wrong with that, just not our bag).

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

This is a perennial question. It depends on so many things. There are a couple of verities, however.

 

1. Once acknowledged, it can't be reversed. "Mom and Dad have special friends...with benefits." Nor can mom and dad do anything other than ask the child to be discrete. Being "outed" is a possibility. So the first question is "how mature and adult is the child?" In other words, can they keep secrets and do they understand discretion?

 

2. The real question is why you would want your child to know your sexual behaviors. Most kids think "Ewwww" when it comes to their parents having sex. We know we thought that of our parents. Yet our conception was surely not immaculate. There is a tension between being private and being truthful.

 

What seems to matter most is how sexual matters are generally discussed in the home. Most homes, not only is sex private, but discussions of sex are closeted. Surely in such situations, swinging is just as closeted and needs to stay that way.

 

What about the alternative? What about the home where discussions about sex were -- and are -- no different than discussions about politics or hobbies or the movies? The picture changes a little bit. Our adult daughter knows that we have special friends, knows the attend adult parties, and know that we have been on a lifestyle cruise and are looking forward to the next. Her view is that we are unique among parents --referenceing her friends--in that not only are we still married to each other, we are still madly in love and show it in so many ways.

 

The question arises--she has asked--are "you two" (meaning us) so happy and secure because of your special friends? Or are you able to have those special friends because you are so happy and secure? We are pretty sure it's the latter. And while she has no ambitions at present to be in the LS--her current boyfriend is quite enough for her--she's paying attention to the fact that we _are_ content and comfortable with our sexuality.

[Sexykitty6364 38]

Fundamental Law-- how old is your daughter??

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Our children do not know, and we've no intentions of telling them. It's our business, just as our 1:1 sex life is our business, not theirs. They have no need of knowing, it wouldn't help anything, and it's private anyway.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

The big differentiator is adult children vs. teenage children. Our adult children know. They suspected and we confirmed their suspicion. All were (are) OK. Teenage children we would not have told. Teens need time to decide about 'things' on their own.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

They thought that because their kids had anxiety issues it would be better to tell them then not tell them? That seems backwards to me. That's just one more reason to not tell them. Why does my daughter need to know anything more than, "We are going out on a date night." If they have anxiety issues or not, it doesn't matter, that's something you would tell them even if not in the lifestyle and if that really was all you were doing. So just tell them that and carry on.

 

I agree with what others have said, It really depends a lot on age and maturity of the child. My daughter is 6, so it's really hard for me to really understand the situation, as I have not been there. I still do no think we will ever tell my daughter unless she is in her 20s and has suspicions and asks us. I would not lie to her when asked a direct question like that, but no way would I bring it up. If the question was simply what are you guys doing tomorrow when you go out, then yeah, not gonna volunteer any additional information. Just, "we're playing it by ear, gonna go grab something to eat and then decide." No reason she needs to know any more than that.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I would be concerned that my kids might think badly of us as most non swingers would . I wouldn't want my kids to think their mother likes to put it about a bit, and that's kind of what people who haven't tried swinging or experienced it would think

[Alura 2,774]

 

What about the alternative? What about the home where discussions about sex were -- and are -- no different than discussions about politics or hobbies or the movies? The picture changes a little bit. Our adult daughter knows that we have special friends, knows the attend adult parties, and know that we have been on a lifestyle cruise and are looking forward to the next. Her view is that we are unique among parents --referenceing her friends--in that not only are we still married to each other, we are still madly in love and show it in so many ways.

 

 

On our second date, the late Mrs. Alura and I agreed to never become angry when a question was asked and promised that we would always answer honestly no matter how long the discussion took. When we decided to have children we simply extended that consideration to them. Our sons grew up knowing they never had to fear our reaction no matter what question they asked.

 

When they discovered we were regulars on Swingers Board, they asked if we were in the lifestyle. Laura was quick to zero in on their major concern and explained that we had stopped swapping for months before she stopped taking "the pill," and we started trying to conceive, simply because we wanted to have no question as to their parentage.

 

We didn't feel we were "in the lifestyle" since it was not that important to us. We sometimes swapped partners with other couples because it was fun, and we did it together. We explained the difference between "making love" and "fun sex." We explained that some people would not understand. Consequently, their discretion was needed. We never worried.

 

They asked if we swapped with "John and Mary." Sensing a "teaching opportunity," I explained that, when I was a teenager, I went to a dance school which was really "Dating 101." Miss Skilly taught us that one question that should never be asked was, "Did you kiss her?" It was a lengthy discussion after that, but both went on to graduate high school and university with honors, and never got in trouble of any kind. One is involved in what seems to be a permanent relationship. The other says he hasn't seen enough of the world yet.

 

I'd still rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it. "Honesty is the best policy," no matter how much easier one might think the alternative might be.

 

When I visit Laura's grave, I thank her for our thirty years together and update her on "The Boys'" activities. I always seem to smile through the tears.

 

Alura

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I'll throw this out there: We know very few couples that have been swinging 10+ years that have kids that don't know. Children mature, become teen/adults, and some even develop excellent critical thinking skills. They figure shit out.

 

Some figure it ALL out. Some figure out enough to know that "Something's up with Mom and Dad. Not sure what, but something". But everyone needs to accept the strong possibility that they will figure it out if you play this game long enough.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

I'll throw this out there: We know very few couples that have been swinging 10+ years that have kids that don't know. Children mature, become teen/adults, and some even develop excellent critical thinking skills. They figure shit out.

 

Some figure it ALL out. Some figure out enough to know that "Something's up with Mom and Dad. Not sure what, but something". But everyone needs to accept the strong possibility that they will figure it out if you play this game long enough.

 

Yeah, I am sure my daughter will eventually figure it out. She's really smart. In first grade reading at nearly a 4th grade level, highest marks possible and teacher never has anything but great things to say about her. Of course, since she is so young, maybe by the time she's a teen it will just be normal to her that we go out once or twice a month and she'll never question it. Either way, we will not volunteer the information unless directly asked. She knows she can ask us anything already, so I am positive it will come up at some point, but we'll deal with that when it happens.

[BobGann 40]

My hat is off to the couples that are completely open about the lifestyle. I have some friends who got "outed" due to their having a website, back in the day when normal people ran their own websites. They came out to their parents and children as swingers. It was rocky for them at first, but they seem to be among the most open and happy people I know. I can't imagine having that conversation though!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Ms. Golds (adult) daughter USED to try and shock us by making different comments...the one I remember best was we were all going to go swimming in the pool and she commented how she is not used to having to wear a swim suit...I answered back to her 'do you think we are?' (no, we never wear suits unless required by those we are swimming with). Her daughter pretty much quit challenging us after that. Adult children may figure it out, but rarely are they going to really WANT to know. As long as they see two very happy, confident, secure people in a relationship the hows, whys, and what they are doing (ESPECIALLY in the bed room) don't really mean that much. There is a BIG difference between figuring something out and KNOWING it for a fact. Some things kids just really don't want to know (unless they are thinking about doing the same thing then it's better to know in advance).

[SAMnTINA 362]

Been there done that when the oldest kids were in High School as we were going on TV. They never made a big deal about it, and our married daughter says we are the normal parents (Who would have thought.)

 

The trick in our mind was to be consistent, we never said "no sex". What we did tell them was that sex did not mean love and that they should be careful and that the order of things was important: Graduate HS, Graduate College, Get Married then, children. Seem this they all heard.

 

To date none are swingers but they know we are and as our daughter told us after visiting us at a hotel take over, when she was in college (not to take part but so we could take her out to dinner and spend some time with her) "It's just a Frat party for adults.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

"It's just a Frat party for adults.

 

hahahahaahah!

[afterwork 89]

Gasp!

 

That was the reaction two of our friends had when they were discovered at a house party by their daughter and son-in-law in the group grope room.

 

After some discussion, they all realized it was just happenstance as neither the parents nor the children were aware of the other's lifestyle activities.

 

They do not participate with each other and rarely are at/with the same circle of couples. But they do have a comfortable expectation and understanding unique to parents and their children.

 

Here is the weird thing. The kids are trying to get our friends to broach the subject with the in-law parents. They already have recruited the son-in-law's sister and husband to their younger group of LS friends.

 

Thin, thin ice we think.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Aye, thin ice indeed. This may not go well :/

[intuition897 2,179]

I just posted a whole 'nother thread about this.

 

We're out of the closet: confronted by our adult daughter

[Pklon 62]

There no right or wrong way to tell your kids that your a swinger. You've got two options. Either you tell them or not. It is your choice.

 

When I was 16 my parents came clean to me and told me that they were swingers and my mom is bi. They wanted to come clean to me and be honest. I was shocked by what they told me. I had no idea that they were into that. When they told me I was playing 20 question with them. They were honest to all my questions. I was quite surprised by their answers. I found out they did gangbangs, orgies, groups, threesomes and foursomes, and other crazy stuff. They were even members at a local swingers club for a few years. I even asked them do I know any of their swinger friends, and they said yes. One of the couples were parents to my bff. After it was all done, I asked them if I could take part of the lifestyle and give it a try. My parents were a little hesitant about my request but they knew it might happen after they told me. So after my 18th birthday they took me to their local club and paid my first year membership. And I never looked back.

 

So to every parents here if you do tell them about your lifestyle do not be surprised if they ask questions about it, and some of them will ask to try it as well.

[Dont.Stop 339]

When we started swinging our youngest child was 17. She's 22 now. Though we suspect the older ones may know, we have no desire to discuss our sex lives with them. Some of our friends have told their adult children and that's wonderful for them.

 

We have made it clear over the years that what consenting adults wish to do is their business. If we've left sufficient dots to connect it was not by design, but so be it. If asked we might come clean. I never wanted to know what my parents did behind closed doors.

[Guest]

Well of course we would never tell them. Deny deny deny. But they either find out or figure it out later. I have two examples. We have friends that we dated when we lived nearby. We could never have sex at their house because their son lived a few houses away. So, if we visited we'd all share dinner and sit around as if we were friends. But, the young man hit on me online. When I pointed out who I was, I couldn't help myself, he couldn't see my face picture, he was like oh shit and confessed that he has always known his parents were swingers and preferred that I didn't tell on him. I didn't and to be honest, if there was some chance meeting, I might have given him a turn. The other instance is with my parents. I never knew until my father had passed and I moved my mother to a retirement community. When I organized and packed her things, ooops, I learned a few things from spying on some Polaroids, my mother was hot, my father had a big cock, and they were going to key parties and orgies! OMG

 

They're going to find out anyway but, it's better that way than trying to have a talk that never needs to happen.

[Numex 2,419]

My late-teenage daughter from my first marriage and my ex-wife know, but only to a point. They know that my current wife and I have had sex outside of marriage, and that the other is ok with it, but nothing about the number of partners or other kinky stuff.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

My late-teenage daughter from my first marriage and my ex-wife know, but only to a point.

Perhaps a sensitive question, but do they judge your decisions the same way? One might imagine that you ex would see the behavior in a harsher light than your daughter. Or the inverse.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

they were going to key parties and orgies! OMG

Looking back, do you think you were unconsciously aware of the behavior? Do you think you have emulated that behavior? Do you think there might be a heritable (genetic) component?

[Numex 2,419]

Perhaps a sensitive question, but do they judge your decisions the same way? One might imagine that you ex would see the behavior in a harsher light than your daughter. Or the inverse.

Not sensitive at all. First, my wife gets along well with both my daughter and ex, so neither is looking for a reason to be critical.

 

At first, my ex looked down on my wife now because she thought my wife just tolerated my infidelity. After she found out that my wife was screwing at least one other guy (she actually started before me), my ex wondered what might have been between us had we gone down that route.

 

According to my wife from the discussions she has had with my daughter, my daughter is curious about nonmonogamy. My wife told her it is best within a good relationship.

[Alura 2,774]

I still think lying to your kids is a tragic mistake and would never skirt the truth with my sons.

[Numex 2,419]

I still think lying to your kids is a tragic mistake and would never skirt the truth with my sons.

Agreed, but lying is one thing and not telling is something else. Even the most vanilla, honest couples don't discuss their sex lives with their kids. Nor do I expect my daughter to tell me about her sex life. Perhaps it's relationships, yes; sex, no?

[Alura 2,774]

Withholding information, particularly when a question is asked, is as bad as saying something you know is not true.

 

One of my sons was once having lunch with fellow teachers when (somehow) anal sex was brought up. He said, "My parents tried once early in their marriage and never did it again." A teacher was appalled that he "knew that about your parents!" He thanked me for the way we raised him.