Looking for a female perspective...

[CurvyJezebel 16]

27 yo female. New to the site and completely new to swinging. Not sure quite how to express my feelings at the moment but I'll do my best.

 

My husband (26 M) came to me about a month ago asking to open our relationship to others. I know with 100% certainty that he has our marriage's best interest in mind and if this turns out not to be for us, he would drop it without thinking twice. A little back story -- We have been together for 5 years, relationship is solid and we have always been happy. Since our first discussion, we have talked, a lot, and communicated every angle and concern. We even went to a marriage counselor once to make sure there is nothing we are missing before "diving in". She suggested going to a Swingers Club to observe first, which we are going to tomorrow night. Before the session with the counselor, we have done a soft swap with a male friend of ours, with which we were all very drunk and inhibitions we're obviously down. That actually turned out to be a great time. On another occasion, however, simply watching my husband make out with another woman in front of me was like a knife in my side.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not quite sure how to express my feelings but my question is how? How do you get past those uneasy feelings? How do you become comfortable with the idea of your SO being with someone else? What can I do to get past all this uncertainty? Any advice is very appreciated. Thank you!

[dan63 106]

I would say the main thing would be for you to satisfy yourself that regardless of who your husband meets and interacts with and what ever he does with her he will be going home with you. Also, you have to know that he would absolutely NEVER leave you for another women that he meets in the lifestyle. When you eliminate all of these thoughts, regardless of how deep they are buried, then you will loose that knife in your side and start to be happy that your husband is having a good time.

 

Now who's responsibility is it to give you this feeling of confidence? It is 100% his responsibility. This is where the communication comes in.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I agree with the above, although we ourselves are very new and lack experience, it's hubby here by the way so I can't give you a female perspective but as the other poster has stated really it is your other half's responsibility and duty to reassure you and make you feel secure.

You are in charge here and if you don't want him kissing other women just tell him it's a no no for now, you don't say if you are into other women but if you are you can start out with just the females interacting and the males only play with their own partner, that has worked for us up to now, you don't have to jump off the cliff and do everything straight away, you can ease yourselves in gently and take it slow.

My wife vetoed any male play herself, as she wasn't sure she could go through with it but she sees playing with girls differently, she's ok with that, that went a long way to reassuring me that we were on the same page, exploring new things together and that she wasn't just after some replacement cock.

I had all the normal concerns early on , I didn't want to be out done by a new guy, didn't want her to enjoy it too much or at least not more than being with me, so I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. As we've talked more and explored more I have changed my point of view quite a lot and I'm now looking at things from a different angle, I love my wife with all my heart and we have 20 great years behind us, I know she would never throw that away, when we do finally work up to a full swap I now want it to be mind blowing for her, I mean if we are going to open our marriage up to swinging and the risks involved in that , no matter how small, would it really be worth it all if it was just OK sex? Probably not , of course I also hope it is earth shattering for me also haha but primarily I don't really worry about myself so much.

Just lots of talking and reassurance from your other half will see you good.

And go at your own pace, make sure he understands that you need to feel in control

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Looking into the past maybe could help with the future. You mention a MFM threesome that went great. You were the center of attention for that experience and really enjoyed it. During or after that experience, was your love for your husband any less? Just from reading what you've written, I'm pretty confident the answer to that question is absolutely not, nothing changed at all. So, you know you have a strong relationship, and you know first hand that your experience didn't change things at all for you, so then just keep that in mind when you think about him with someone else and maybe that will help soothe that apprehension.

[junkyard38 21]

You are doing just fine in the way you are expressing you inhibitions.

[couplers 4,640]

CurvyJezebel said:

...we have done a soft swap with a male friend of ours... That actually turned out to be a great time. On another occasion, however, simply watching my husband make out with another woman in front of me was like a knife in my side.

 

Same for me, but I did a 180. I was doing it all with my boyfriend for two years before my husband David had sex with another woman. Hubby doesn't have a jealous bone in his body, while I was flipping out inside. The reason I finally let him was not for him, but for me. A girlfriend of mine (who didn't know about me having a husband and a boyfriend) said it must be nice sleeping with David. In an instant the words came out of my mouth - "If you'd like to try it, it can be arranged."

 

It was a challenge and I like challenges. I found the burn of him fucking her, her fucking him addictive. Like the pain of a good run. It brought out my bi side as well and doubled my jealous feelings. I love the flattery of knowing other women find my husband attractive, and the after sex with him and/or her. It's like the kid who's scared witless on the roller coaster, then gets off and says, "Can we do it again."

[Glida 250]

I heard once that 'the fear' and excitement envoke the same phyiological responce but it's our brain that decides which it is.

 

I think it's similar to fight or flight. I'm a flyer, I would bolt at the first trigger, that first knife in the side would normally have me heading for the door. We decided to leave the LS for a while because of this reason. Since then and after a lot of talking and honesty I'm ready to say that most of the time I wasn't actually scared of what I saw or was about to see but that I was shamefully turned on by it. It wasn't a fear of seeing what he will do to another women, the fear is, and still is admitting that i'm turned on by it. Admitting it would tarnish the vail of perfection I tend to live me life under. (i'm the girl next door type)

 

Check yourself, Are you sure it's jealousy? Don't rule out envy, they are often assumed to mean the same thing. Don't rush. Take your time, it's taken a few years to get to this understanding and even now I I have to check what I'm really feeling.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Love trust communication. Jealousy seems to mostly show itself when there isn't enough trust. Talk to him about this (talk to him about everything for that matter). As you communicate more the trust will increase causing you to both love each other more. Usually when this starts happening, the jealousy seems to vanish. Good luck and let us know how things go.

[TnT1024 16]

I'm glad I found your post. You sound so much like me. I'm interested in moving up from watching to playing but I know I emotionally could not handle seeing my bae with another woman. I know and understand a lot of it is because I've been cheated on in the past and insecurity issues from that. Although he has never cheated on me and when I'm with him I feel completely secure I just don't know what my emotions would be in that moment. I've even thought since we have a long distance relationship he just as easily could be having sex with someone else (even as I typing this post) but to think it and actually see it is two different things. When we're together he gives me his full attention and even when women are totally disrespecting my existence and throwing themselves at him he's totally clueless. I've had friends comment on how he only has eyes for me and how they wish their mates were like him. So, I guess I shouldn't be concerned but it's a psychological feat. I wish I had advice for you but I don't. Hopefully everyone will continue to post here and provide advice for both of us.

[Shore2Please 611]

After our first time, a night we became swingers and we did it in separate rooms, I went back to my room where the wife was still in my bed. I had just had a wonderful night with her husband and I came back to my room and got a knot in my stomach. I knew what she looked like without clothes, we had been to a nude beach with them earlier. I surely knew they were having sex yet that knot was there. I want to say it get easier even though I still prefer separate rooms.

[Naughtyvanessa 49]

I think if the female feels uncomfortable, pain, jealous, and the female is doing tis think only to please her guy - it is not fun and it will not be good for the marriage or relationship. The female should be 100% in it to swing and have fun with it.