Lost---- Husband cheated

[genivieve 16]

I will try not to make this long. I am new but have been lurking on here for long time.

 

My husband and I have been together 28 years. Last year we had a couple of MFFs. I have never been with anyone but my husband. We did not talk about swinging or adding another in the mix, it just happened. I really did not like the experience as I am not turned on by women. I find nothing attractive about the whole situation, but took it for the team I guess. Another additive to MFF dislike is due to my husband. I much prefer sex 2-3 times a day with masturbation 4-5 times a day. My husband is getting older so he is slowing down. We have had sex like this for about 20 years. So my mode of thinking is-- he can't or won't fuck me, but he can fuck another girl?

 

We started last year with MFM. His idea. And I love it. I get everything I want, my husband fucks me like an animal for days after. He loves it just as much as me to the point we found a regular when we travel out of state. We both agreed we would not do this in our own state. We are too well known. I don't text the guy, I don't talk to the guy outside of our MFM meetings. I don't really even talk to the guy during the meetings. My husband directs the whole thing, and they talk around me like I don't exist and I love it. I can get what I want and not have to deal with the side shit. I don't care what he thinks or what he wants. I just follow my husband's orders.

 

My husband started with wanting the MFF again even though I have stated I do not like it. We went to a club a couple of times to no avail as we both are very picky. He started giving me problems about our MFM to which I said I could stop all of it if he felt it was not fair. But my husband always told me to make the call when out of state. I never asked.

 

Two months ago he developed a relationship with a local girl who has many issues. My husband has this need to help people in need. I thought nothing of it until we went out of state and he said I could go with our regular by myself to which I would never do.

 

He finally confessed he was sleeping with this girl. I say girl because she is 23 years younger. I am so heartbroken. Everyone in our town knows. This girl is a ex heroin junkie. I read the texts. My husband was wrapped right around her fingers. Not only was he having a sexual relationship but a emotional one. Something we agreed would never happen when doing this. His whole attitude had flipped on me during that time. He blames me for not doing another MFF with him. He blames me for having a high sex drive and he feels he can't keep up.

 

I stated I don't want to do MFM anymore and he begged me not to make that choice. He said he really loves it. Yesterday he said he understands how I hate MFFs and won't ask again. Today he is saying I should give it time and try another MFF again later down the road. I really don't know what the hell to do. I am so lost.....

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm so sorry you are in this predicament. I hope that you will talk to a good therapist and a good attorney.

 

As you know, you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable doing. It sounds like your husband is putting you at risk health-wise, emotionally and financially. He can say whatever he wants to blame you or cajole you, but his actions speak louder than words.

 

IV drug users are at high risk for hiv. I would encourage you to get tested for sti's.

[luvin eye full 140]

Well this is not good at all - you have two options, try and save the marriage or leave him - that's what it comes down to.

 

I think because you have asked or told us about it you want to save the marriage, or at least get some back up?

 

Every thing you have told us is only a front for what is really the problem here - he is selfish and then tries to blame others for his actions - whether you have a higher sex drive or not is irrelevant at this point.

 

1st stop taking anything for the team for your sake - no woman or man for that matter should be doing this, you know it and so does everyone else even him.

 

So what you need to do is:

1. stay or not.

2. respect yourself - no more being a pushover.

3. tell him exactly how you feel about it all.

4. make or at lest tell him to take responsibility for his actions.

5. give him the choice to stay and fix this or leave - you can not and should not live like this any more.

 

Now I'm not sure how that will go but if he has any self worth left then he will at least have a good think about what he is doing to you and himself.

 

Let us know what happens - but I do not think this will be fixed overnight and it may take a long time to rebuild what you guys had - but it can be done if you both put a effort into it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Swinging and cheating (other than having sex is involved) have nothing to do with each other. Swinging is done WITH your partners participation and consent, cheating is done without and in secret. That you both participated in MFMs or FMFs has nothing to do with this. He went out, found another woman, had sex and formed a relationship with her. Don't get sidetracked, he cheated.

 

As already stated, you now must choose if you want to stay or go, and if you choose stay, then HE must choose if he wants to stay or go. Either way, swinging is done for a long time (if not forever) until the problems can be fixed in your relationship. You both have some thinking to do and then some honest talking. Let us know how things progress from here. We wish you the best...

[alfitos 17]

Hi

 

I am sorry for your situation, but if you do not at all like or get turned on by MFF then you should not do it. I don't know if that is something that one ends up liking, with time, but I doubt it. I think that it is probably best for you to stop MFM as well, because I think that he might also be doing that in the hope that you might want more in the future, so he does not want to close any doors right now. I think swinging is just going to be dangerous to your marriage if you are not on the same page.

[cplnuswing 4,712]

I'll agree with the others, only a few times in life do you come to a fork where deciding which one to take is a grave decision...this is one of those times. There are pros and cons to both paths, and I think you know what they all are, better than we ever will. From the age range I'm guessing you to be in too, age becomes a factor too. Time is flying by, so starting over may be harder now than before. Or, in some ways, it may be easier too.

 

I think it comes down to this - trust. Can you see yourself ever trusting him again? Not right away of course, but ever. If the answer is no, then the next question is are you ok living with that? If that second answer is no too, then I think the path is clear. Assuming you get past that hurdle, then the next question is are you ok going back to the way things were between you two sexually? If the answer to that is no, then you are just setting yourself up for resentment. Suffering through that again for a while when you are trying to make things work, that's to be expected. But if it goes on, the resentment will start to creep in and that will start to undermine anything you may have started building back.

 

It's a tough place to be, and we're sorry you are having to go through this. No matter how much he tries to shift blame, it's totally not your fault, always remember that and draw strength from it. Good luck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

One other thing. Once Ms. Gold and I started down this path, I have never thought of trying to find another woman to replace her. How could I replace someone who actually encourages the two of us to find other couples to play with? Just how in the world could I 'trade up' from that? I thank her and appreciate everything she does for me on a daily basis (something that all too often is overlooked).

 

While you have been together for a long time (28 years) and it can be easy to 'forget' the small things that you both do for each other, but that you were willing to go with him on this path...well, he's forgotten what a great woman you are. You did nothing wrong, he's just forgotten what a great gift he was given.

[Guest]

Hey Genivieve.

 

Well bad times

 

I'm sorry that your husband cheated.

 

I can not really make any excuses for that.

 

HOWEVER.....

 

What I can do is speak some common sense and say.

 

Firstly you say you have been together 28 years, so lets be honest this man does love you, in many places you could preform a armed robbery and get less time in prison than 28 years lol. Guess I'm trying to say this guy has been with you nearly 3 decades, he has made a stand with you and I'm guessing it has not always been this bad or else you wouldn't have lasted 28 years.

 

However my real advice is here is not aimed towards you but towards the situation of MMF OR MFF as both are very different. Firstly let me explain that I am a man (Aged 37) and to be honest I proper enjoy MMF threesomes, I love it when my girlfriend reaches into two mens boxer shorts, I love seeing her kiss us both, love giving her DP together, I'm a big fan of MMF threesomes because they are not perfect but they are EASY, I mean what man doesn't want sex lol.

 

However Gen I am just been totally honest here but after many years experience with swinging I have to say MFF threesomes are often the nicer / better / safer / more friendly option that will light up your husbands heart and sex drive like a rocket and will make you the coolest women alive in his eyes, that no offence Gen but you give him two women and any cheating ideas will be straight out the window, he will be like a happy puppy with the biggest bone possible.

 

I know your a women, why the hell would you want to share your man with another women, that is risky right? Well......

 

If you look at the honest facts then women are often much cleaner than men, their hygiene is better, their ability to process both sex and friendship is better, they often treat you better, they are far less violent. You only have to look a crime figures, a whopping 98% of violent crimes are committed by men, something like 99% of rapes are committed by men.

 

I do not know your husband but like him I'm a man and I do understand some of his feelings, he is getting older, he only has one life, soon he will be too old to ever experience these things again, he feels his life is slipping by and sure like most guys he wants to get laid, he wants to experience a few more women before his days on this earth are over and he has ASKED YOU to please help.

 

Honestly I once worked with a married man, he has been married for about 25 years and had several children with his wife, by that point sex between them had almost stopped totally and sure he was frantic, I'd actually say his desire for sexual attention was driving him insane, were talking a mental break down of sorts and really all he wanted was some sex, some last ditch experiences with other women so he can feel like a lucky strong man again.

 

They say when a male lion is nearing the end of its life, that when the end approaches it fights harder and more viciously than its ever done it's life. It fight for dear life, it fights to keep hold of its pride, it fights so strongly so it can remember what it was like to be a young strong fit male lion who ruled as far as the eyes can see.

 

There are two kinds of men, those who lie and cheat, or those who come to you honestly, those who approach you with sincerity and simply ask if they can share this with you, they ask because they love you, because they do not want to lose you, but deep down every man is that lion desperately trying to claw for more life, more experience, more joy and excitement before the sun finally fades.

 

This for your husband is probably his LAST CHANCE to run wild, his final chance to roam. Maybe I can not explain this but please imagine a women aged 38 with no children, well sometimes women go mad, they crave a child in their life, they see the chance slipping away from them,, they know soon the entire chance of a family will be lost and sure some women go nuts wanting a child, its something inbuilt within them.

 

Well the same applies to a man, we have something inside of us, some inbuilt instinct that drives us to want sex and its with us every day, every night of our lives and each year we see that chance slipping further and further away. For a man aged about 40+ it can be debilitating, it can be so worrying, frustrating, in fact a lot of men (me included) work our backsides off, we buy houses, we buy cars, we start businesses, we work morning noon and night, many of us do our very best to provide for our families and still feel its never enough, and really all we want is some fun sex, some fun experience before we die.

 

However lets not forget if were talking about lions then in reality its the lioness that holds all the power in the pride, in reality they could tear a male lion asunder, they do an awful lot of work and without them a male lion is nothing but a lonely ghost. I guess my point Gen is that you actually have MORE POWER than you think, you have the power to give your husband the MMF and the MFF situation, the power to give a ageing lion his dreams.

 

Well I'm not saying MFF is perfect but please remember you could actually PICK THE WOMEN, you could actually pick a women who doesn't make you feel bad, someone that you know your husband would not run away with, someone who fits your situation. For example maybe you could meet an older women, someone who is a single mother, widow, fed up of relationships, maybe you could meet a shier women where you take the natural lead.

 

Remember each pride has an alpha male, but also each pride has a alpha female and to your husband you are that alpha female, so give him a beta female. Give him a women who has less power and less control than you, and then you control the situation.

 

This is a true story Gen but many years ago now in my early 20's I started a online friendship with a girl who I wanted to swing with, she was a married girl and whilst we never met we spoke for many years as friends. She was gorgeous, however as the story goes Gen her husband introduced her to the idea of swinging with other men and other women and at first she totally 100% hated the idea.

 

Sure she found the entire thing disgusting, she felt dirty, ashamed, jealous, and sure she caused many issues. However her and the husband when for sexual counselling and within a few years she not only enjoyed swinging but she would pull girls into bed with her and the husband, this older husband could hardly keep up. Guess I'm saying its not impossible.

 

However to stay on point what I am saying is yes MMF threesomes are great, but honestly MFF threesomes are often the nicer, safer, more friendly alternative. I'm just saying maybe don't be so quick to totally rule them out, for example why not have both.

 

I'm a prime example, you see I'm a man who really likes MMF threesomes however I must admit Gen after having countless MMF threesomes it is nice for a man to actually stretch his wings and have a MFF for a while. I cant explain it all but basically a MMF often makes a man horny, but a MFF often makes him feel like a king, perhaps sometimes a man needs that feeling.

 

Most men out there just cheat its the more honest ones who actually ask you for this, after all your husband did ask you about MFF, he could have just cheated loads but instead he asked.

 

Like stated its hard to explain, you could say its a case of been fair, you could say its a case that on occasion a man needs to feel cool or like the king, that sure some guys will have loads and loads of MMF threesomes but on occasion they want a MFF to even things out in their own minds.

 

Personally I say you only live one life, your not getting younger so in my opinion give your man the MFF dream and the MMF. By all means girl you enjoy two men all you can but on occasion find a girl and empty your mans balls so much he has trouble standing after.

 

 

Really Gen you have a great option, you have a regular MMF guy and to be honest guys are everywhere in this lifestyle, you will ALWAYS be able to meet a guy who wants sex so that issue is sorted. However on occasion what would stop you travelling away for a weekend, meeting a women (if needed with condoms) and let your husband bang her all over.

 

She lives too far away for your husband to see her, she is a nice safe distance away, your husband gets to explore another women and then its home and life as usual. Meet a women far enough away and let your husband have a go with her once in a while, let him have his MFF dreams but in a safe way where it not too much.

 

Anyway I have said too much lol, but yeah in general MFF can be very rewarding, if you could mainly have MMF and do the MFF on occasion then maybe that would be nice.

 

Good Luck.

 

x

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

They were back again today, and even if they were a troll (not saying they are or are not...it doesn't matter), it's always best to treat every question or comment as real and offer the best help one can...what if they are real and looking for help? There is always the chance that a topic can help someone else reading it or reading it in the future. It never hurts to be kind and offer good advice. I would rather find out that whoever this is wasn't cheated on and this is just a made up story, but I'm always going to treat it as real. There's nothing wrong with that and no harm will come from it. Next time she comes, I do hope that she provides us with an update.

[genivieve 16]

First- my grandmother called me Geni, so the Genivieve spelling stuck when I was a kid. Feel free to check my name out on porn hub, I spend about 5 hours a day on it.

 

I came here looking for help and now am being called a troll because of my lack of response. My husband and I have been feuding in the worst way. Going to our vacation home and making another big mistake has really taken its toll. There has been melt down after melt down. We love the life style but our Christian friends are pulling at us that we are sinning. His cheating has caused insecurity and lack of trust. Feelings I haven't had in at least 20 years.

 

Moving forward I am not the typical sex addict, as I do not cheat, or jump on quick encounters. I've been trained by my husband to f#ck 3 or more times a day since I was 14 yrs old. Then one day in his 30s he could not perform like that anymore. I also suffer from PGAD. I could be standing in a grocery line and have a orgasm. They are more like "hiccups". Which is really screwed up because when having sex I find it almost difficult to orgasm, needing at least a hour of sex which is why we started the MFM

[genivieve 16]

I apologize for my lack of response. My head is in the mud and I am on a bad path right now. The advice given was excellent. Thank you.

[luvin eye full 140]

Hey Genivieve, don't worry about not getting online - though it's always cool to here how things are going - except for this time as your having a hard time of it lately by the sounds of your post.

 

So has the old boy got his head out of his ass yet? I hope you have stopped all swinging activities for now, Has he taken any responsibility for his actions?

 

Just stop and take time to repair what you guys can. Got to love my Christian Brother - always there to throw stones at you while your going though hell lol ( i can say it because i am one )

Whether you see swinging in it's many forms as morally right or wrong is between you, your husband (and god if your that way inclined ) - not others, so take what anyone says including myself and our/my "brothers" with the grain of salt it should have.

 

I hope that things will settle down for the both of you soon so you can talk this out and get on with life and whats really important to both of you ( your marriage, not swinging lol )

[luvin eye full 140]

alexandsandra - i actually agree with you on this - mostly -

 

I think for people that have a faith related response to some thing need to get a faith related answers as well as a secularist one, because there will be a little voice that is always there if you do not - so this could in effect stay with a person for the rest of there lives.

It needs to be addressed by some that knows all the traps and trimmings.

 

But as for the rest of your post you are right in that the looking to sexual gratification so many times a day is need of some kind of focus i would think - but from what she has said she's looked into it?

On a good note she has never acted liked what her husband has done and i think that's what the post is about -

 

Regards.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

It sounds like you have chosen to stay, now the ball is in his court. While it's hard, try to back up and find some common ground. Something where you can both be less defensive. Remember the good things, and then try to rebuild from there. But first he needs to decide if he is staying or going because if he is going, there's not much you can do to try and repair what has happened. Best wishes and thanks for the updates...keep them coming.

[dan63 106]

And here I thought our marriage had been thru some rough patches in the past. A very tough position.

 

You are in our prayers Geni>

[2NoLimit 95]

As a woman I have to admit is very natural for most to gang up on a cheating husband.

 

But I found Sun&Moon insight very powerful.

We all tend to point fingers (I'm not suggesting what he did is right) and some times we forget to look at ourselves as to why it happened.

 

All I can suggest from seeing close friends divorce, is try to stay away from the negative suggestions of so called friends (many tend to be envious, and get empowered in the misery of others. Sad but true.)

 

Best of luck to you both.

[luvin eye full 140]

2NoLimit Well that's interesting - really -

 

I think that every one must take responsibility for there actions no matter what "drove them to it" i agree with you about everyone ganging up on the husband - i have seen many post here and else where - where if it was the woman it would be "oh love it's ok your only human"

 

That's why for myself i think each person needs to take it on their shoulders, if you screw up then either fix it or leave but don't try and get your way at the expense of your so called loved one or SO.

 

i went back and re read sun&moon's post and i don't for the life of me find it the way you do - ( sun&moon nothing personal guys i just can not see it but value your view point 100% )

All i see in it is showing her a way to manipulate him just as he is doing to her. Whether man or woman that's not right in my book.

 

I really think many have forgotten what a true Equal relationship is about - anyway i am not trying to have ago i really find it interesting the way we all see things differently and that's why i respect 100% every ones views - though i do like to argue them out sometimes lol.

[2NoLimit 95]

By all means I am not suggesting that manipulation is right, I've seen what a narcissistic and codependent personalities can do to a relationship (there some traces of that in the post). I read more in-between the lines. If we are not providing the attention they so much seek, and are not communicating with each other honestly, we are as guilty. "IMO" that doesn't mean you should just do what they want, but should compromise.

 

I guess my view point comes from my upbringing. in Brazil it's almost normal for a man to cheat, doesn't make it right but it's more tolerable.

 

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” Unknown

 

Something's are worth repairing...in my view.

[luvin eye full 140]

Arh i see what your saying - thanks for that - regards

[genivieve 16]

So I wanted to do a update. My silence was due to the huge amount of stress. I could barely cope the last month.

 

I think one poster referred to some of my behavior as narcissistic to which I would like to respond. My husband and I are very hyper, fast, conquering people. People seem to flock and attach themselves to us almost wanting a piece of what we have. We rarely are ever told no with anything, we just sort of float through an easy life. At our age 41/47 we are use to getting what we want when we want. If this represents a narcissistic behavior than so be it. It is what is it, and we can't change it.

 

That being said I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old. We are together 24/7. The only time I spent apart was when I gave birth at 15, and signed myself out of the hospital the following morning. In the last couple of months we started pulling apart from each other and going separate ways. I realize now with our regular M from our MFMs it was becoming an infatuation and he did occupy my thoughts more than my husband. Something no man has ever done. My way of thinking always has been no man could ever match my husband's status/level.

 

My husband saw this and was becoming jealous. He did try to tell me several times, but my own selfishness stepped in. And I am by no means making what he did acceptable. In fact it was his cheating that has almost ruined us. I feel a huge void in our relationship and I don't ever think I can trust him whole hearted like I did prior. He's a flirt by nature and it never bothered me, now I find myself beyond irritated and snapping at him. Which will ease with time I suppose. There are many times during the day I will just look at him when he doesn't know it and wonder how the hell could he have done this to me. And then there are times where I want to seek vengeance just so he would know what it is like. But I resort to the old two wrongs don't make a right. We spent many days crying together and we both know we cannot live without each other.

 

Pushing forward.

 

One week after the "matter" my husband thought to bring in the regular again which was a disastrous mistake and ended bad for all of us. My husband actually exploded. We always have been open and honest even when if it does hurt the others feelings. Looking back he even hinted to me he was having a affair several times but I just did not care or pay attention. His affair was really no so good. He has spent 28yrs with me, and my performance in the bedroom is hard to match proven even with mfms we have done. So a young dumb junkie with sub par skills is more of an annoyance. He became jealous I was having such a good time during the mfm, his own cheating he states "Fucking sucked, and he spent more time trying to get it hard even after a 100mg of Viagra". And admits his affair was more of a emotional one since my head was off in other places.

 

This brought our relationship to really bad point. After another trip to our vacation home we decided to try the MFMF game. A failure. We are far too picky and we don't like the whole wine and dine nonsense. We just want a couple to come over take your clothes off and get right to it. We could care less where you work, how many kids you got. And I really need his dominance telling me and another exactly what to do during our play. Which is hard with a fourth in the mix.

 

Coming back from our vacation home we both are at the point to just let this go and stop doing the swing thing. At this point my sex drive is much lower (lack of food, I dropped 22lbs and stress) and we really are enjoying our sex romps much more. My husband still likes to dirty talk about having our regular in with us and what he does to me but in my heart I'm not sure if I want to go back to all that.

 

So I guess this is the end for now.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Thanks for the update. We think that the swinging should be put on hold until the two of you can get back on the same page and work on repairing some of the trust issues that you are now experiencing. Maybe go back to just dating each other for awhile. It sounds like he wanted to have an emotional affair much more than a physical one since he wasn't getting the level of emotional attention from you. This CAN be fixed, especially since you are now both aware of it. Hopefully you will both be able to overcome this hurdle together. We wish you both the best and please keep us updated on how things are going for you.