Feeling ignored and disrespected

[Ragnar19531212 32]

This is my first help me understand post. I'll try to condense as best I can. We met and played with a couple at a hotel take over. We made plenty of mistakes that night another story.. End result my wife and the husband hit it off. Me and the other wife not so much. She politely told me in an email she took one for the team. The husband texted my wife the next day and couldn't wait until we can all get together again. The texting has been continuous. The other wife must have finally told him it's ​not going to happen. So he asked and got a hall pass. His wife calls mine to confirm that he has it with her blessing. They get a string of texts going about their experiences in the LS, hall passes, etc and now they are texting friends. I've told my wife no to a hall pass because I hardly know him. The music that night was so loud and we talked for maybe 20 minutes tops. I told her all this sexting has me uncomfortable and since he has not communicated with me in any way I feel very disrespected. And to that she's texting friends with both of them and I've been totally left out. My wife feels I'm over reacting and says I'm benefiting from his texts making her horny. We had to cancel out of the next party because his texts were telling her what he hoped and expected to happen. Never asked what mine and my wife's plans actually where. BTW the other wife in her email stated she didn't want the 4 of us to meet and do something vanilla in real life, but did want us all to be friends. I guess she meant 3 of the 4 of us. Am I wrong for my feelings of being ignored? Should one husband disrespect another in his quest to be with the other wife? We are a play as a couple and their profile says the same. Help me understand and process this.

[ViSexual 1,008]

If you're uncomfortable with this, then it's not a good idea to continue. If it were me, and my wife was thoroughly enjoying this couple, I'd be OK with her having friends that weren't my friends too, but that's me. I'd probably just find a couple for myself to make things fair. I'm sure my wife would feel better, and enjoy her couple more, if I was also getting a hall pass.

[luvin eye full 140]

Your darn right you are - granted the other couple may do this and fine that's them - your real problem here is your wife who is OK with still making you feel this way by NOT stopping the text and cutting you out of it ( that's what i got from your post )

 

as for You over reacting, Put the golden slipper she's wearing on the other foot and see if she do not have some thing to say about you not taking her feelings into account.

 

You see it's all good for one to have fun but you guys are in this together - now i don't care if it was male or female posting the same would be said.

 

When you two forget who is important in your life then whats the point - if she can not see that it upsets you and can not stop then yes you have a problem a big one.

 

Ask her this is, Is sex with him worth so much that she can not consider your feelings, whether you and right or wrong is irrelevant your her partner not him! and if this was a girl posting about a guy this forum would be up in arms.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

First, your feelings aren't wrong. They are your feelings and that makes them valid.

 

Second, your wife should respect your feelings. If either member of a swinging couple is uncomfortable, the other should respect it and listen to them.

[njbm 2,881]

Sorry, if I think the other woman is the sex star of all time and my wife does not want to be with the husband, nothing else will be happening. That is how we roll, not right or wrong. Only loophole is at a house party where we can play individually and not couple for couple. Even there, we usually start by playing with another couple.

[Guest]

If it started as a couples swap or couples play, then for us, it must remain couples. She may not be in the mood tonight or whatever, and then I would take care of both guys, individually or together, or vice versa. But, if she is suddenly no longer interested in hubby, then it’s time to for us to find another couple.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Swinging is a TEAM sport. If one member of the team says no, the answer for the team is no. The other wife said no, then the answer for everyone involved is no. If your wife doesn't understand this, then you should probably step away for a bit until you can both get on the same page. Sure, she is feeling excited at the NRE and flirting with someone new, but you should ALWAYS come first (as she should always come first to you). Hall pass nor not, you need to move on from this couple and find the next couple.

[Alura 2,774]

We had a similar situation. We swapped with a couple. The man was a sexual athlete. My wife enjoyed it and looked forward to a repeat. His wife, saying Laura had too much fun, told him she would never swing again. He came to our house a few days later to explain the problem, but asked if he could (from time to time) have sex with Laura without telling his wife.

 

Since this was the antithesis of what we wanted from swinging, we showed him the door. Laura made it plain that she would not see him again, and we didn't.

 

You're facing an extremely toxic situation, Ragnar. Deal with it now, first with your wife, then with Mr. Playmate. If you don't, the problem will fester and grow into the unmanageable.

 

That's my opinion.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

Thank you everyone for your advice it was greatly appreciated. I did come to the conclusion you all did and that my wife and I need to have a good conversation. Because once again last night she defended her actions as being innocent and not meant to hurt me. I lost it, but didn't act on that anger. I just clammed up. I told her several times I wasn't ready to have a discussion because all I had on the tip of my tongue was angry and hateful words. She now knows this is not a subject that can be treated with a "get over it". We'll see how it goes tonight. The cold shoulder is kind of childish, but it was best not to say what I wanted to at the time.

[luvin eye full 140]

Man show her this tread - so she can see even with different types of swingers this is unacceptable period - hell even cuckolds here have rules and they are out to get humiliation ( ok very stereotypical but you get the idea )

[Guest]

Hey Ragnar.

 

I have to be honest for me this is a difficult call.

 

I could jump on your side and say your wife is wrong and that you have a right to be respected. HOWEVER from a psychological point of view, and thinking about “The Long Game” you might actually get a lot more benefit by letting this slide / happen.

 

Maybe my answer is a little complex but basically if you become ratty / controlling / jealous with your wife over her new found excitement then what is going to happen the next time you ask her to swing? Judging from my own past experiences the women (in this case your wife) will become grumpy and disheartened and will say....

 

“The last time we did this you became all upset, you wanted me to play with a couple, I agreed, then you became all funny and jealous when I did enjoy myself so no I don't want to do it again”

 

In my opinion your in a good position because this other man that your wife is getting along with is actually married and so are you. Basically if this other guy was single then I'd be more worried, the chances of this man leaving his wife, and then your wife leaving you are probably very slim.

 

I mean if you look at the facts then I'd say you haven't done anything wrong, your wife hasn't done anything wrong, by the sounds of things the other man's wife isn't that keen on swinging. She said to you that she “Tuck One For The Team” but honestly my guess is that statement wasn't really directed at YOU she was probably saying....

 

“Hey my husband really wants to do this but I'm not so keen, maybe he can do it alone?”

 

A lot of wives / girlfriends who do not really like swinging often try it a few times, don't like it, can not settle with the idea, feel embarrassed / ashamed / dirty and then suggest their husband does it alone if it means so much to him.

 

In my eyes there are TWO WAYS this can play out.

 

NEGATIVE: You become jealous with your wife, you ask your wife to stop, maybe you argue, you cancel her seeing this other man and then six months later when you do meet someone else your wife throws it all back in your face that last time you stopped her, last time you become funny and she has been put off the experience, that she doesn't want to risk it again.

 

POSITIVE: You let your wife enjoy her new found excitement with this man, you chill out, you indulge your wife with plenty of MMF threesomes, you keep calm about it, go with the flow and before long it will probably fizzle out, after which you can remind your wife about the time you were super chilled about her and the other guy, about how it worked, how it can work again, how many this time it can be you getting MFF threesomes or taking another women home ect.

 

My guess here is that the other man's wife is a bit prudish to the swing subject, its not uncommon a lot of women go against this lifestyle and don't feel comfy enough to take part. More than likely the other man's wife is letting her husband off the leash a little because she knows your wife is married / taken. In her eyes its probably better her husband borrows another man's wife for a while than have him run off behind her back with the young sexy waitress or whatever.

 

Its a strange situation but if you trust your wife now then maybe that trust will be returned to you ten fold down the line. Its funny really because most of the time its us men who want this subject, its us men who ask our wives to swing and then when it doesn't go our way we get the face on and usually all it does it alienate our partners to the entire thing which you don't want.

 

I have to admit however in general I find handing out your wives phone number to other men as been very risky indeed. That works the same both ways, for example if another man was texting my girlfriend all the time I'd become worried, I'd want to know what was happening, where on the flip side if another women was texting me all the time my girlfriend would probably be shouting at me if not throwing things at me.

 

Generally in the past I have swapped numbers with the other man so that both men have each others numbers, I do not give out my girlfriends number to other men, tried it a few times years ago and it just causes trouble. In my experience the moment you give out your wife's / girlfriends number to another man then he texts her asking for sex alone and tries to cut out any threesome.

 

Maybe this is a golden opportunity, the man is married, the man is been watched / monitored by his own wife, maybe you could let your wife have her fun now and down the line you will look like the super cool chilled out accepting one who didn't become jealous.

 

Lets face it when the chance comes for YOU to get two women in bed you are not going to like it when your wife becomes jealous. No offence but if this other mans wife his willing to give her husband a “Hall Pass” then by all means slam your wife on the sofa and give her some good old DP action, you and this other guy give it your wife together and look for another couple or single women in the background.

 

I myself was once in a very similar position, some years ago now we met a single guy, we got on together really well and had a series of MMF threesomes, after a while and for a treat I decided to let my girlfriend and this guy meet alone whilst I was at work. This man arrived at my house and met my partner and he banged her all over our living room 3 times, by all accounts he wasn't in the door more than 30 seconds before they were ripping each others cloths off.

 

I let it happen a few times and then I become funny, I became worried, jealous, unsure and the first thing my girlfriend said was....

 

“I knew this would happen, it was your idea and now your showing off”

 

After that she lost all interest which ruined the entire thing for me.

 

Remember your wife is meeting a married man which you can monitor, would you prefer her to meet a single man who you can not monitor, would you prefer her to have an affair.

 

In years to come your going to want your wife to let you off the leash with other women, maybe now is an ideal time to let your wife off the leash and let her explore.

 

Just a thought.

 

Good luck and maybe next time don't give your wives number to other guys, instead you take the mans number and remain more in control over when and where you meet ect.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

Moon&Sun I need to spend some time with your reply. You make some good points. I do need to clarify some items. The other wife is the the dominant LS half. He's usually shy and takes a back seat. My wife is a world class flirt and for the first time at one of these parties he had a great time. I said in my OP we made a lot of mistakes that night. The girls originally exchanged phone numbers because the other wife wanted to share info about a spa she liked. He got the number from his wife. One issue I have is my wife's​ desire is to flirt and text. She's not even sure she'd enjoy actually being with him for real because it may destroy the fantasy. I keep saying that is dangerous and playing with fire. So when it became known we'd be at a party together things got out of hand because his reality was going to come face to face with her fantasy. This isn't really a jealousy issue as a protective issue. We have men from 3 other couples that I'd have no problem her doing this with. They are friends and I trust them. This was our one meet at party and play couple. Doing this with this couple just has all kinds of bad dynamics associated with it. I offered the 3some and she says it makes her uncomfortable. This is all kinds of F'd up and how can I have her back when I'm being pushed to the outside.

[Guest]

Well I don't know much about your situation, I mean have you and your wife had MMF or MFF threesomes before? Have you played with couples together before? Do you both play with people separately? I'm a little lost on how much experience you have had.

 

HOWEVER.....

 

In my personal opinion the KEY ASPECT here is NOT to alienate your wife.

 

Basically your probably going to have to think very hard about what to say and how to approach this subject because okay I get the point you don't want your wife been sucked in by this party play couple, you want to be kept in the loop, BUT at the same time you do not want to come over as jealous / to protective / paranoid, and the last thing you want to do is argue about it.

 

My goal in this situation would be to leave your wife in a happy okay state so that in the future when you do want this sort of thing to happen again she is still open to the idea.

 

However I have to say this man getting your wife's number without direct permission is a little under hand. I have experienced similar things myself, its not unusual for a “Party Couple” to meet another couple at a party and then to start messaging the women trying to line up a female play partner for themselves, or as you say a 1 on 1 situation between the women and other man.

 

Maybe what I'm about to say is a bit psychological but basically if your going to speak with your wife about this, if your going to voice your concerns then you need to do so in a very set way, what I would call a “None Loaded Way” for example us humans when we are upset / worried use what is called “Loaded Language” for example we will say things like:

 

“Look this isn't fair”

“I want you to stop now”

“This is totally out of hand”

“What your doing is dangerous”

 

Where really you need to be saying none loaded things such as.

 

“I feel this situation perhaps isn't the best for us”

“I feel we could perhaps find a much nicer situation”

“I'm not upset with you at all simply concerned for your / our safety”

“I agree its a lot of fun, but maybe we could agree on a new way”

 

One thing I will say is if your wife is a “World Class Flirt” then she will flirt with people anyway so maybe finding a safer / nicer way for that to happen would be good.

 

This might be going off topic a little but personally I have always loved the idea of flirty sex holidays or weekends away. For example I'd like to take my girlfriend on holiday, once there in this new place where no one knows us then I'd take her out to a club or very busy bar, I'd have a packet of condoms on stand by and would fully allow her to flirt with other men, dance with other men, kiss other men and if she likes to fuck other men.

 

There would be no swapping numbers, if she liked she could introduce me as her best friend, brother, open minded partner but basically a chance for my girlfriend to flirt, dance, fondle, and have other men after which we come home back to reality and her flirty fling ends.

 

One other idea I had was to get my girlfriend a second phone which was specifically a flirt around phone number, that we would lock the phone away (I'd keep the key) but on occasion she could use it to flirt around with guys and arrange the occasional fuck, you basically could call it the swing phone, so no one actually has your wife's number.

 

From your description however it sounds like your wife is been played by a more professional party play couple. I have heard about all of this before how couples meet another couple, they play nice, they act interested, then at the earliest opportunity they zone in on the women.

 

Personally I'd not be that interested in “Getting Back In The Loop” I'd be more interested in getting my wife out of that loop and into a more shared experience. You could try meeting another couple, basically finding a better option as an alternative and above all else keep your wifes number off the table. Like stated its hard to judge because I don't really know what your after, by the sounds of things you want a straight swap with another couple, that he has your wife and you have his, so you could find a few more couples that are more suitable.

 

But really my main advice stays the same, do not say anything in a loaded way that will put your wife off this situation in the future. Remember your not angry, your not jealous, your not over protective, your simply showing a genuine and honest concern and perhaps feel another option could better.

 

I have to say personally I am always a little cautious of proper party couples, I mean this doesn't count for every party couple but I have met a few in my time and find that they often sleep with a lot of people, too many for my comfort levels. I once met a party couple who wanted a foursome with us and as it turned out they were seeing 2 or 3 other couples and 2 or 3 singles as well.

 

Its kind of a hard situation to call because if your wife enjoys flirting then perhaps the swinger party / swinger clubs scene could be great for you guys. I mean imagine if you went to a club / party and your wife could actually flirt around all she liked, she could laugh, drink, chat, but without giving her number out and without it having to lead anywhere, she gets to flirt and you can both pick who is right to take it further with.

 

You know the other option like stated above is simply to have weekends away, jump in the car or even on a train and travel away for a weekend and let your wife go nuts flirting around and sure if the other guys wear a condom then what's stopping your wife having sexy one off's with guys.

 

Not sure if that makes sense but its like saying you need to find a way where your wife is happy and where her flirty side can come out and shine But a way that is safer and doesn't involve men texting her none stop.

 

Maybe the best situation would be to arrange a MIX, that sometimes you have a sexy flirty weekend where your wife can basically have another guy for a full on flirty sexy session all away from home and with no numbers swapped, then other times you meet a couple for foursomes or a single girl.

 

Anyway I'm rambling, but perhaps a good way to start with your wife is by sitting down and saying “Okay what have we learnt from this situation, how could we do it better, what would you like”

 

My path would probably be meeting a couple that you could BOTH play with, but also letting your wife have some hot steamy flirty times with other men on occasion but without the number swapping and further contact stuff, kind of best of both worlds.

[njbm 2,881]

We generally text husband to husband with other couples. Avoids a lot of problems.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

The phone thing was one of the mistakes I alluded to. Wives exchanged because other wife wanted to share a spa link. Normally it's my phone only and that night it should have been no phone. We're learning.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

We're in our early 60's don't act or look our age. We've been married 43 years. Our first LS experiences​ we're almost mind blowing and so much fun. We're going back to one of those couples this Thursday my wife's birthday to get our mojo back. We've also slowed things down. Sun& Moon we had our talk and I guess I used a combo loaded and none loaded. Mr Playmate not asking and getting permission to continue past the initial I had a good time text has really chapped my ass from the get go. 90% of our not fun LS issues are coming from this one encounter, and it just keeps on giving. That couple has also been married 40+ years and I'm sure when I talk to him he will understand and not want to be the one to cause tension to our marriage. We'll see how that conversation goes.

[luvin eye full 140]

Sun&Moon

 

I respectfully disagree 100 % with on nearly every point - the man needs to dump this bitch and find some one who can have a lest some respect for him - all your point is doing is using her own lust ( whether for the other guy or just the flirting of it ) to his advantage - just a shes is doing to him only with thinking his view point is not worthy of her to stop.

 

Tell her straight that it stops now or she can go flirt with him forever in his house, Yes i/m pissed off for the OP ( and if it was a woman posting i would tell her the same thing to do to the man )

 

If these two go into swinging together then it's a team sport, if one of you gets so tangled up in this that you are willing to put your own partners feelings on the back shelf while continue to do some thing that makes them uncomfortable,

Then you might as well be cheating because your using their love for you to get some thing you want while knowing they are hurting - what that something is is now irrelevant - it;s the wiliness to hurt to get what you want that matters.

 

So i know your not going to dump her but you have to make it clear, this self centered willingness to hurt your feeling whether they are stupid to her or not can not continue.

[njbm 2,881]

People who are married for 43 years don't dump the bitch. They work things out.

[EastInWest 1,524]

People who are married for 43 years don't dump the bitch. They work things out.

 

If I'm being honest here - and I don't want to pass judgment on OP's situation - I think this can go either way. The question is whether this person's motives are well-intentioned or if they've become so absorbed in their own wants that the needs and preferences of others don't matter anymore. People who don't realize they need to change won't change.

 

"My wife feels I'm over reacting and says I'm benefiting from his texts making her horny."

 

Put that in nearly any other context, and it becomes a disturbingly self-involved statement, one where the person making it sees what they do as a boon to the other where the other should be grateful and is wrong to have their own feelings. If this statement were about money (ex. "How come you never cook us dinner anymore?" "You benefit from taking me out to dinner every night because you get to eat at all these great restaurants with me!"), many men would obviously conclude that she was using him.

 

Not trying to inflame OP's situation, we don't have a lot of details and that could be way off-base, but I found it troubling. Most people, even with bad intentions, would make more of an effort to smooth it over instead of just telling him that his feelings are wrong and it's for his own good. Sometimes people take a turn and you find out that you can waste years trying to work out something that they don't really want to work out. Only the OP can know if this is a pattern of self-centered behavior.

[luvin eye full 140]

LOL njbm so you took the 1st line but what was the last line -

 

Off cause he not goring to dump her after 43 years i was making a low level statement designed to get his back up and think about why he would not.

Just as it did with you - (your defense of the marriage )

 

So now i know it worked lol just hope it does for him too ( it's easy to get your back up and lose sight of what is important-some times you need a jolt ),

but as eastinwest said she may never want "to work it out" then he really does have a choice to make as in his own words it's making 90% of the marriage problems come up now.

 

Regards

and i do respect your opinions here 100%

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Let me reiterate:

 

Swinging is a TEAM sport. If one member of the team says no, the answer for the team is no. The other wife said no, then the answer for everyone involved is no. If your wife doesn't understand this, then you should probably step away for a bit until you can both get on the same page. Sure, she is feeling excited at the NRE and flirting with someone new, but you should ALWAYS come first (as she should always come first to you). Hall pass nor not, you need to move on from this couple and find the next couple.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea and no reason to stay in a school of fish that don't all like each other. This is already causing too much drama and appears to only contain more drama in the future. This shouldn't be about who's right or wrong, or if someone is good or not...instead of trying to pass judgement, just pass on them and move on. If the wife doesn't want to move on to another couple, then you both need to stop swinging until you can both be on the same page when or if you resume.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

Hey everyone thanks for continuing the input and chiming in on the various replies. No I'm not going to "dump the bitch" but thanks for saying it so I don't in an irrational moment. My 90% comment relates to our swinging life. We've had many good moments and of course the bad. This couple and this one encounter account for 90% of the bad. I made mistakes that night which include not sticking to our plan to work the venue for future playmates, it was a BYOB and when I went to refresh drinks we should have both went and I should have read the signs the other wife wasn't into me earlier and when she got dressed after I got her off I should have taped out her husband. All very newbie mistakes, they were our 3rd encounter, they much more experience. We've sense found out at these events they operate for themselves. They met newbies at the last one and ignored them all evening. However, I am paying for everyone of those F'n mistakes with interest. My wife showed this husband the time of his life at the venue and it's like he's been smitten. His thank you text and can we get together again was sweet and I figured once he talked to his wife and she shut him down for all of us getting together this would stop. Well wrong there as well. Funny thing is the last thing my wife wants to do is meet this man for real. The fantasy will never live up to the reality and as someone quoted on another thread about sexting, "your mouth is writing checks that your ass can't cash". The man and I will have our face time and will be told to totally back off and if we are together at a gathering he has absolutely "no privileges". This was a rough learning experience, but we'll get back on track and work through it.

[njbm 2,881]

Luvin eye full, my reading comprehension tails off after the first line. Either I'm getting old or I am used to reading twitter tweets.

 

I think that we all agree that swinging presents us with the opportunity to improve communication within our marriage. My wife says we are playing with gasoline. She has a point.

[BuiltForSin 66]

I feel for you OP. If I had the slightest feeling that I was being treated as a third/fourth unwelcome wheel by my wife or she tolerated another treating me that way in pushing me out I would stop swinging right then and there.

 

We have all done stupid things and it is easy to cross a line and unintentionally cause someone pain in the heat of the moment. Reality should take hold after some reflection and conversation. It is not just you that should be concerned for her fun, safety, and emotional state - she should have that first and foremost for you as well.

 

Right now I think you should be thinking of *your* personal state a little bit more and hers a little bit less. She could be doing some long-term hard-to-fix damage to her relationship and it should concern her.

[luvin eye full 140]

BuiltForSin is right on here as well.

 

It's a good thing to look at your own actions and take responsibility for them, but your wife needs to do the same - for now the flirting is really irrelevant ( the act of doing this just showed what worth your wife puts on your emotional security )

You have to get that across to her because she is only looking at the surface not the underling problem, so to her it's not a big deal.

 

Honestly if it were myself i would stop all and any swinging - everything , your view is as important as hers and if she can not see that then what will happen next time she gets the thought to do something you are not comfortable with?

just keep going until your split up up and the marriage is in the toilet?

 

This is far more serious then some flirting or what ever the case maybe. Like you she needs to take responsibility too.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

njbm - we are all cool bro. lol

[Guest]

I agree swinging is a team sport.

 

I mainly suggest that if the other wife was not interested then maybe it could be a MMF situation, still very much a team effort.

 

Simply "Dumping" your wife because she got on with someone at a party isn't really an option, or at least is the most drastic most damage causing option.

 

For me at least my partner would have to do something far more drastic than simply getting on with someone.

 

I assumed the situation could either turn into a MMF or simply that the original poster could be tactful in breaking things off with this other guy.

 

Got to say personally I'd be more stressed with the other guy using my wife's phone number without permission.

 

Either way good luck, and remember if swing is a team sport then your wife is your best team mate, no need to dump anyone

[Ragnar19531212 32]

 

Got to say personally I'd be more stressed with the other guy using my wife's phone number without permission.

 

This is 90% of the problem from my standpoint as well. Granted in the beginning I thought if they chatted when I contacted his wife she'd be open minded for getting together without​ excess of booze and party distraction. However once that was shot down and him all of a sudden saying he has a Hall pass changed that dynamic. To me he became a single male and those rules of courtesy and etiquette applied. Ignoring me and disrespecting me guaranteed​ his downfall.

 

He's been cut off for texting. He's sent some "how are you" texts, but my wife has not replied.

 

We're back on the same page and I'm working on writing up a combination of our rules and procedures for different situations. That way we're more likely to stay on the same page.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Awesome news

[luvin eye full 140]

Good work to you and your wife who finally found some sense as well,

Did your wife have any thing to say about it all - from your posts i think it would help others that may be having the same problems to know how this "fix" came about - given what you posted was your wife's reactions to you 1st up.

 

But that's up to you if you do let us know or not.

 

Most important thing is you guys are back on track and that's great news .

 

Go hi 5 each other lol.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

Funny you should ask for an update. Here it is flashback style.

 

On Saturday night we went to our first house party. Rules and play plans discussed. Nothing went as planned, but all for the good and we had a wonderful time. We group played with 2 other couples and left with that wonderful Lifestyle high that comes from a rock the world play session. On the way home my wife says the gentleman she was with asked for her phone number and she told him no. She told him she gets herself into too much trouble. She then told me that when the texting with the smitten husband began she got a taste of the LS high. The night we played with this couple, she got a LS high from being with him, but it was the first time it wasn't experienced by us both and all playdates after that didn't provide a significant LS high. It didn't take long for her to get addicted to getting the high every day through his text and then it turned to sexting. It replaced the high we weren't getting from subsequent playtimes. He was kind and attentive telling her what she wanted to hear. She admitted it was like an addiction and we all know to the addict it's all about the high, nothing or no one else matters. That was a huge admission and the first time I sensed regret. She was sorry for the hurt she caused me.

 

The flashback.

 

My wife had a relapse last Friday. I got suspicious when I mentioned something about our problem couple and her body language changed and her response was not what I suspected. Turns out the smitten husband and her had been texting throughout the day, but she had deleted the conversation like she had done previously when I asked to see her phone. So we are finally alone for the evening she's in a good mood and affectionate. I'm a powder charge ready to blow trying to figure out how to calmly start the conversation without going right to angry hurtful and say things you can't take back. Ultimately she senses my mood and says "you're mad at me aren't you"? I told her I was going to pull up some info on the computer and have her read it and we'd talk. I had been researching ”emotional infidelity” “emotional affairs” “cyber cheating’ etc. I showed her a series of 3 memes. The first said “AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR - Is toxic to your relationship with your spouse and will cause serious damage to the marriage whether or not it ever becomes sexual”. The second explained some of the key points of the affair. Denial of wrongdoing, “we're just friends we didn't do anything” and stating it can be worse than sexual infidelity because there can be sex without emotion but emotion is the key element in this kind of affair. The third said “CHEATING doesn't mean you have to kiss, meet, or have sex with someone else - once you find yourself deleting messages so your partner will not see them, then you already are there”. At that point she knew how serious this was to me and blocked the numbers. What still bugged me was the “I get it, it happened, I'll stop, get over it and drop it” attitude. Even after a discussion of dishonesty and the loss of my trust. So all day Saturday I felt that all I solved was the current problem and would be questioning her honesty and whether she could ever gain my trust waiting for it to happen again.

 

So you can see how relieved I was to hear her thoughts Saturday night. Bottom line for us and this makes sense that it really isn't a person that loves you going out of their way to hurt you. It was getting sucked into an additive activity where the high meant everything. Nothing else was even on the radar. How many smokers have had family members beg and plead for them to stop and it falls on deaf ears.

 

We were lucky because from an addiction standpoint this was easy to deal with once it was seen for what it was. We're good now and realize the need to be careful. Who was it that stated their wife said we're playing with gasoline. That is so true.

 

An additional discussion we had was as a long term married couple, we get complacent in the simple interactions with our spouse. We don't ask about their workout, because we see the sweat and flushed face. We don't have to tell them they are beautiful, they should just know it. Do we walk up and whisper what we'd like to do to them when we're finally alone. I'm going to work harder at being far less complacent with the love of my life of 43 years and my true soulmate.

 

Thanks everyone and If this helps anyone else I'm happy.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

An additional discussion we had was as a long term married couple, we get complacent in the simple interactions with our spouse. We don't ask about their workout, because we see the sweat and flushed face. We don't have to tell them they are beautiful, they should just know it. Do we walk up and whisper what we'd like to do to them when we're finally alone. I'm going to work harder at being far less complacent with the love of my life of 43 years and my true soulmate.

 

While I'm sure that you have realized this by now, I just want to point it out to others:

 

It's never too late to start doing this again. We've been together for over 7 years and still try to text each other something positive every day.

[luvin eye full 140]

Ragnar19531212

 

Thanks so much for the update and all that has happened - when some one else finds themselves in a spot like this these posts will help I'm sure.

I'm glad to see you both can and have worked things out, Many times we here from our SO's, or on this and other sites about how the swinging has put the spark into /or couples are looking for the spark to return from swinging -

 

To a point where one realizes that all the partners need is to rekindle their love life 1st then bring in outsiders if you want.

 

I have have been 33yrs with my wife and i get what your saying - we can get taken for granted some times ( chicks or guys )

My only thought is the honesty part - make sure you give her space to rebuild it again, it's hard some times but i think you know when it's a issue and when it's not from your posts.

 

lastly does she know you are posting here ?

 

regards.

[Ragnar19531212 32]

Luvin Eye Full

 

She does know I posted here, we share the email account, it's our Lifestyle secret identity email. However I don't think she read the thread or not all of it.

 

I mentioned in a text to someone yesterday what you said. This is the way I put it.

"Believing you could make an average sex life better by the LS I don't believe works like people think. Take an awesome sex life and share it with others who have awesome sex lives that is one helluva rush and an unbelievable high."

 

We are working on the honesty and trust rebuild. It's getting there but will take time. Not a long time because of our long relationship, but time nonetheless.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Side note: There is no I in team...but there is an M and an E

[Dont.Stop 339]

Wow, that was a heck of a story. And a rough way to get started in the lifestyle.

We generally let the ladies do the communication. They understand each other much better than we ever will. And if a woman tells another woman "Hey, I think your husband is going too far with this" she will see to it that it stops. Period.

If you were further along in your lifestyle escapades I'd say consider letting your wife have fun with this couple occasionally. But early on the two of you need to stick together for your adventures until you reach that comfort level.

Best to you both.

[10thBadger 25]

Sun&Moon I totally agree with you I totally agree with you, it is a team sport from what I understand and there is no way that he should let his wife just disrespect him in anyway that she wants to just so she can get pleasure and have him standing on the sidelines and leaving him out of the loop. There’s no benefit for him even though she says that he is benefiting from his text on the phone for making her horny, she is just being selfish and it is a shame because it sounds like he’s a really good guy. My wife is wondering why isn’t he saying something because he is the man of that relationship and I’m just shaking my head and saying I don’t know. I don’t know how he could let that happen and then neck called us do they say stop texting my wife.