New and Curious - Need Advice

[TwoK's 17]

Hello Everyone. We are curious about the swinging scene and have discussed exploring it a little bit. We have had friends in the past that were swingers however they were already into it prior to marriage. We both think that the best place to start would be in a club atmosphere where we remain with each other. Neither one of us have a problem having sex in front of others and are very turned on by it. However we both feel that we need to build up a friendship and trust before inviting others to join us. What are your thoughts on this?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

If my wife and I had it to do over again, we'd start at a swingers' club. Your introductory message makes you seem practical so I'll make a bet that you will understand when I say, don't expect too much to happen at first. But if you have the right view and you persist, no small setbacks will hurt you and the rewards will make your effort worthwhile.

 

WELCOME to Swingersboard.

[njbm 2,901]

We've been to Trapeze in Fort Lauderdale. There's one in Atlanta,too. Check it out and report back to us!

[Dont.Stop 339]

Our first step into the lifestyle was at a club. Mrs.Stop was serviced well by a few guys on a massage table. A cute young woman with black curly hair gave me oral to completion. No conversations were had.

 

Other times we did spend time talking to people before undressing.

 

We've played with each other and interested couples would ask to join. It can be that spontaneous. Some will want to get to know you but it's not a requirement. Certainly not for us.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

There seem to be two camps when it comes to swinging: quantity and quality (for lack of better terms). Quantity is usually one and done or at least there doesn't need to be a connection. It sounds like you two are 'quality' or looking for a FWB type of thing. Clubs will work for this, but house parties can be more personable or spending time vetting people on a swinger website...but don't spend too much time on line. Find a couple that has possibilities and then arrange to meet them for a vanilla dinner or drinks. Don't spend more than a few days with email and text. You will learn more in 5 minutes in person than a lifetime of on line communications (either you will all click or you won't). Anyways, we wish you luck in your search and look forward to hearing how things progress for you.

[Naughtyvanessa 49]

I think the first step is to go to a club. Than you can start first watching other couples and than go from there. If you find a couple that you like than go from there. You dont have "to do" anything at your first visit - go with the flow and take it from there.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

However we both feel that we need to build up a friendship and trust before inviting others to join us. What are your thoughts on this?

 

Our first experience was with someone we already knew in his bedroom at the apartment he shared.

 

We had two prior experiences where we had sex in font of another couple that was also having sex at the same time.

 

We have never been to a swingers club. All of our experiences have been with people we already knew or people we met at parties or in a bar. There are a lot of horny people hanging out in a bar late at night.

[Guest]

My honest thoughts on this are.....

 

Finding people to build trust and friendship with might actually be a lot more difficult than you think.

 

That actually the “Prime Goal” of people into this lifestyle is not to build new long lasting friendships, is not to build trust, the prime goal of people into this lifestyle is to find someone to be a sexual partner, to fuck other people, to explore sexually with other people and the friendship and trust building part ends up been a nice idea / warm fuzzy after thought / general lip service that doesn’t really happen and in most cases is very difficult to achieve.

 

In this lifestyle the vast majority of people are focussed on the sexual side / the sexual aspect. They spend a lot of their time thinking about the sex they could be having with other people and their partner, they think about what new sexual things they would like to try, who they would like to meet to have sex with, how long that sexual deal could last, what rules or boundaries would need to be in place for them to have sex with other people, what the other persons body should be like, how big the man’s dick should be, what body type the women should have to suit them best.

 

You will find an awful lot of people think almost exclusively about THE SEX and will ask themselves questions such as:

 

Who should we have sex with?

When should we have sex with them?

Where should we have sex with them?

What body types would please us sexually?

What bodily aspects are we looking for in a sex partner?

What positions should we try with a sex partner?

Will it be okay to have straight sex, or even bisexual sex?

What if we get jealous when having sex with other people?

What are the sexual things we don’t want?

How long, how often will we have sex with this person?

Will we use protection when were having sex?

 

That actually a lot of people into this lifestyle (especially men) will spend 99.9% of their time thinking about the sexual aspect. How they can get sex / where they can get sex / who they want sex with / how long that sexual deal should last / what sexual acts they would like to do / how where and when they should have sex and actually “The Friendship” part comes into mind about 0.1% of the time, in my experience the friendship part is more of a after thought or cosy warm suggestion that sounds good but doesn’t really happen.

 

For example…..

 

If you met someone in a bar and went home and had sex the same night would you describe that person as been a friend?

 

If you met someone in a coffee shop for 1 hour and then a few days later had sex, would you describe that person as been a friend?

 

NO you wouldn’t because actually building a proper friendship, building trust, companionship, any type of real friendship can take weeks, months, or in many cases years. If you haven’t noticed in life we become friends with the people we see all the time, we become friends with people we meet a school / college / work / or even hobby based events, and we only become friends with them because we see them all the time, and even then it can take many months to become friends.

 

Having a quick 1 hour coffee with someone doesn’t mean your friends, jumping in bed with someone once every few weeks doesn’t mean your friends. Like expressed above the primary of goal of people in this lifestyle is to find someone to have SEX WITH and any friendship aspects are often an overlooked after thought that a lot of people are not really interested in at all.

 

The facts are……

 

If a person wants to go out for a nice meal then generally they already have friends and family they can do that with without any sexual tensions or drama getting in the way.

 

If a person wants to go out clubbing and drinking well they already have friends or even family members they can do that with.

 

If that person just wants a quiet night in the house relaxing after work then they already have a partner to do that with.

 

If that person wants a picnic in the country then generally they already have children, family members, or other friends to do that with.

 

They already have friends, they already have family members, they already have people they hang around with and usually those friendships have lasted for many years. What they are actually looking for is a SEX PARTNER which is where YOU COME IN. But if were been honest not many people want to mix their naughty sex partner into their real everyday lives and friendships.

 

In many cases they want a sex partner who they can invite round every few weeks, that they can kiss, suck, lick and fuck for several hours, someone who provides nice fun new sex for a while, and then they want to say “Goodbye” put on their clothes and quickly return back to their normal lives before anyone figures out there having 3 and 4 way romp sessions.

 

Truth be told there are a LOT OF FACTORS that come into this subject.

 

Firstly lets look at base human psychology, lets look at the very basic human behaviour?

 

Because you will find a lot of people find it very difficult indeed to process both sex and friendship at the same time. That the social normal is that we are either JUST FRIENDS (OR) WERE SEX PARTNERS.

 

For hundreds of years now the normal dating practice is that a women decides if she is interested, if she is not interested she tells the man “We are just friends” if she is interested she tells the man “Yes I will date you, yes we can be sex partners” In today’s world the human mind is geared up to either be just friends, or to be more than just friends. Then however a swinger comes along and says hey lets be BOTH, lets be sex partners and friends at the same time which a lot of people can not process.

 

A good example of this is when a women sleeps with a man, then the day after having sex the women tells the man she “Just want to be friends” that sleeping together was a mistake. That man then becomes confused / angry / unsure / unhappy / wild. We have all seen this happen before, some knuckle dragging monkey guy going wild at a girl because they had sex and now she just wants to be friends and his new found sex toy suddenly has vanished into the realms of just been a friend.

 

Various doctors have written books on why its a bad idea to mix both sex and friendship in the same bowl and confirm that a lot of people have trouble processing some big new friendship and sex with the person at the same time.

 

REAL LIFE / TIME:

 

Is another factor that heavily effects things, because you might be surprised to find that most people just do not have the time for some new big friendship in their lives. When you take into account the amount of time this person or couple spends at work / sleeping / eating / cleaning / shopping / paying bills / seeing friends / seeing family / resting / studying / perusing hobbies then you will find their amount of actual free time is very slim indeed.

 

 

For example you might meet a nice couple and might want to build a new and trusting friendship with them, and to help that happen you say….

 

YOU: “Hey do you fancy coming round to our house tomorrow for drinks and a film?”

 

COUPLE: “Hey thanks for the invite but we have family over tomorrow night, sorry”

 

YOU: “Hey do you fancy coming with us for a meal on Tuesday night?”

 

COUPLE? “Hey sorry but were totally broke at the moment and have work at 6am the next day”

 

YOU: “Hey you fancy meeting for coffee’s on Friday night?”

 

COUPLE: “Sorry we have planned to go out with our friends on Friday night”

 

 

You will actually find building a fun trusting friendship with people in this lifestyle can be very difficult indeed. Their primary goal is to find a sex partner not a new friendship, they already have friendships, plus their everyday life makes them busy enough without dedicating huge amounts of time to befriend a new person, a new person they happen to be sleeping with.

 

 

JEALOUSY / SECURITY:

 

Can also play a big part in building a new friendship, perhaps a good example here is that you meet a new women, and after talking at length your wife or girlfriend agrees this women can join you for a threesome Your wife or girlfriend agrees to get naked with this other women and let you explore both women in the same bed OKAY well done, but does that mean your wife or girlfriend wants this new women sat on your sofa playing new friends 3 evenings a week?

 

Does that mean your wife or girlfriend wants to walk in from work only to find you and this other women arm in arm sitting on the sofa playing best new friends? In many cases a person will agree to have a threesome but then wants the other person at a safe discreet distance away from their real everyday lives. Couples do this an awful lot, but basically what a lot of couples want is to meet someone who they can invite over to have sex with on their terms, then once the sex part is done they can push that person back out of their lives and keep them at a discreet safe distance.

 

The best line would be…..

 

“You can come and fuck us both when we have time, but we don’t want you to take part in our real normal everyday lives because our lives are filled with friends, family, children, jobs and we don’t want our sexy little deal rubbing off on those things. We want a clean break between our sex life with you and our normal everyday lives”

 

Take my girlfriend for example, well if I am lucky enough she will agree to have a threesome with another women, but no that doesn’t mean she wants some big massive new friendship with this women, it doesn’t mean she wants that women cuddled up next me on the sofa 3 or 4 nights a week or else my girlfriend would become jealous. On the flip side my girlfriend might agree to have a threesome with another women, but that doesn’t mean she wants that other women to meet our friends and family, that doesn’t mean she wants this other women bouncing our child up and down on her knee every week, my girlfriend would prefer a discreet safe barrier between the sex with this person and our everyday lives, a barrier to keep our lives and relationship safe.

 

 

THE OPTIONS:

 

 

Perhaps a good way to understand friendship within the swinging world is to understand the different options open to you, for example…..

 

SINGLE MEN: Well in my honest experience about 98% of single men do not give a flying fuck about friendship, they are NOT HERE for friendship, they are here to stick their hard dicks into as many women as possible. Single men, or even cheating men are attracted to this lifestyle because they think its an easy way to get care free fun sex with no strings or effort needed. The vast majority of men you speak with online will be totally 100% focussed on sex, your girlfriend or wife has a vagina, they have a penis, they want to shove that penis into her vagina and that’s about all they care about.

 

The vast majority of single men are not bothered about your lives, not bothered about your future, your family, your friendship, your rules or boundaries, they are not bothered about your safety or security, not bothered about you as people, a lot of them will ask you for sex without even giving you their name or asking your names. In most cases the only thing they care about is getting their penis between the women’s legs without getting caught out by anyone else they are seeing. Trying to start a friendship with a man based around sex is almost like trying to get a pit bull dog to let go of a huge freshly cooked stake, they are here to fuck not to build friendships.

 

COUPLES: Yes there are some couples who claim to want friendship, but sadly a lot of these couples fall down drastically when trying to offer that friendship. That firstly they don’t really have the time energy or money to pursue some new friendship, and secondly they want a clean divide between their fuck buddy and everyday real lives. It is actually very difficult indeed to find 4 people who all like each other enough to build some kind of trusting long lasting sexual friendship, to find 4 people who all click and gel together well enough to make things last.

 

In many cases you will find you meet a nice couple, you get on well, the sex together is really good, then after 2 or 3 meetings it all fizzles out, someone gets bored, someone notices something they do not like, someone gets jealous and before you know it the new found friendly couple is gone. Its actually very easy indeed to put a couple off you, in fact a couple will find themselves put off you over the silliest things, that many couples are looking for someone who matches them perfectly, who ticks all of their boxes and desires and the very second you deviate from their vision then they are put off you and the situation ends very quickly indeed.

 

SINGLE WOMEN: Personally in my experience I find single women offer the very best friendship options, that in my experience it seems single women are a lot better at processing both sex and friendship at the same time. For example a single man will come over and the only thing on his mind will be “Sex, Sex, Sex” and once he has had his sex he will want to leave quickly. On the flip side a single women will happily come over to your house to watch a film, to eat food, to chat, a single women will have sex with you but will also be to happy to have days out, to go shopping, to build a friendship alongside the sexual play.

 

The problem however is to keep a single women interested in a threesome with you can actually take an awful amount of work and effort. In my experience what happens is two opposing forces that both clash head to head with each other:

 

A)Your wife / girlfriend doesn’t want your life to be taken over by this other women, she doesn’t want this new women to be there every day, every week, your girlfriend or wife has agreed to have sex with this new women on occasion but she also wants that clean divide between your life and this other women. Your wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to spend every second of your free time having sex with this new women, she doesn’t want this new women there all the time, your wife and girlfriend wants to spend quality alone time with you as her partner, she might allow this other women to fuck you on occasion but the rest of the time wants to keep her at arms length.

 

B) This other women has agreed to have a threesome with you, she wants to be treated with respect, friendship, trust, she wants to see you enough to call it a friendship. I mean if she can not see you enough then why doesn’t she just go and meet a man of her own? She will get very bored very quickly indeed if all you want from her is a once every few weeks sex toy. She doesn’t want to be treated like a sex toy, in her mind she got involved in this threesome because she wanted to replace some of the sex, company, friendship she would have got from a normal relationship. Unless you make her welcome enough she will get bored and move on, unless you invite her round and treat her as a friend enough she will get bored and move on.

 

So……

 

This creates two opposing forces, on one hand you need to offer the single women enough company, enough friendship, enough sex to keep her interested in this threesome deal. Where on the flip side you have to offer your actual girlfriend or wife enough space, enough personal time, enough quality time with you alone to keep her from freaking out and exploding the entire threesome situation. Its very much like a balancing act and it most cases you can only do that for so long until one side breaks.

 

Say for example there is a single man called Adam.

 

Well Adam can actually text and message this single girl everyday, Adam can actually see this single girl everyday after work if he wants, Adam can spend entire nights sleeping over at this women’s house, Adam can take her out for meals every week, Adam can dedicate a large amount of time and effort to dating this women, Adam can provide her with sex, company, free time, nights and days out, BUT CAN YOU OFFER HER THAT AS A COUPLE?

 

I’m a man and sure if my girlfriend agreed to have a threesome with another women I’d love to come home every single day of the week and spend my evening ramming my cock into them both. I’d love to snuggle up on our sofa every night with two girls cuddling me. But guess what my girlfriend would NOT be okay with that, my girlfriend doesn’t want another girl there every single week meaning in the short run that other girl will get bored, will get frustrated and will move on.

 

In my personal opinion single women offer the best amounts of friendship but sadly keeping that friendship on the rails is a difficult balancing act that only lasts so long before one side out weighs the other. Some couples can offer good levels of friendship but like stated it dam hard to find a couple that matches you correctly, that its dam hard to find 4 people who all equally get along and like each other enough to build some kind of friendship. The vast majority of single men do not care about friendship whatsoever, they are not here for friendship they are here to bang your girlfriend or wife.

 

 

OVERALL:

 

In the original post the main question was about building a friendship and trust with someone before jumping into playing with them. But sadly in many cases that is not the way this lifestyle works.

 

YES I am sure a lot of people will jump up and say they have made some great friends in this lifestyle, that they have made real long lasting amazing friendships from this lifestyle, and yes I’m sure some people have But I’m also sure a lot of those people are kidding themselves and looking for reasons to keep their swinging lifestyle alive, that when they say “Friends” they mean people they meet and fuck once a month, that people actually have very different versions of the word friendship.

 

In some peoples eyes meeting once a month and having sex means your friends, in my eyes that means you’re a sex partner not really a proper friend.

 

What to take from this epically long post?

 

Is that you need to alter / or even lower your expectations on what a friendship means in this lifestyle. To alter your expectations regarding the friendship you will receive.

 

I think one of the mistakes new swingers make is they imagine a friendship much like when they were younger. Sure when you were younger, when you was a teenager at school you would make new amazing friendships, you would see your friends every week, you would play games with your friends every week, then at some point one of those friendships would turn sexual and before long you would be having sex all the time and you would do everything together, you would watch films together, eat together, take trips away together, play sports together, have sex together, you had this amazing friendship that might have lasted 2 years, 3 years, or even 10 years.

 

NOW HOWEVER your all grown up, life, work, bills, responsibilities have all got in the way, now your involved in a proper relationship, now you can not hang around with your friends every week, now your lucky if you see your friends once a month or even once a year, now the tables have turned, now making new friends is more difficult, now making friends often means having money and spare time, its means effort, communication, planning.

 

I think a lot of new couples imagine some kind of fun romantic sexual friendship where they can do all the things friends can do but also have lots and lots of sex as well. But actually friendships in the adult swinging world don’t really happen like that. Well I’m not lying but in my opinion building a trusting friendship in the swinging world can be very difficult, you need to understand that friendship won’t actually be much of a friendship.