Unsure about swinger boyfriend

[AutumnRomance85 18]

I've been dating this man for about two years. We actually met through the lifestyle and in the beginning things were great. We wanted to establish our relationship and occasionally dabble in the lifestyle. The problem is this...he says he loves me (not in those words because he has a hard time expressing any emotions). Throughout the relationship things changed...he stopped cuddling, holding hands, or making any sort of sexual comments toward me. He stopped sexting or acting like he was attracted to me. He's more than willing to sext or compliment other women. He says that "it's easier because of the anonymity". The fact that he never does this with me or compliments me has me feeling insecure. I practically have to beg him to have sex with me after we meet other couples. Watching him turns me on and I love to do it but at the end of the night I want to save the best I've got for him. I can't help feeling like the used dildo in the drawer and he just wants to play with the new toys. I feel horribly inadequate. This is my first lifestyle relationship...is this normal? What should I do? I've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't seem to get it. He says "What we have is more than simple sexting" and I agree. Nevertheless, every woman wants to feel sexy and wanted by her man...i definitely don't get any sort of feedback making me feel that way. I'm at a loss. Please help!

[njbm 2,880]

I am no psychologist, but he has to pay more attention to you or you will head elsewhere. We are skeptical about relationships that turn to swinging before they have had their own "honeymoon" period. Tell him how you feel, see if he comes around. Your expectations seem to be reasonable.

[luvin eye full 140]

Red Flag - stop every thing - fix your relationship - if he can not do that with you and only you then time to look at where it's really going - tell him straight out what you have posted here.

 

I think your now just someone that can give him access to other couples sorry. ( and i hope i am wrong also )

 

Time to have The Talk!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

The problem is this...he says he loves me (not in those words because he has a hard time expressing any emotions).

 

So he has a hard time expressing emotions and you are unhappy because he isn't able to express his emotions. Also, he either says that he loves you...or he doesn't, regardless as to the words used. It sounds like he has gotten 'comfortable' with your relationship and it no longer is as important or special as it was.

 

To be successful in swinging you need love, trust and communication. It sounds like the communication has always been difficult (especially for him) and now the love is in question damaging the trust you have. Stop swinging and talk to him. He either needs to be reminded that you two have something special...or that he is moving on because the excitement of the relationship has waned. Either way, the two of you need to talk and find out where you both stand. Good luck, we hope the best for you.

[AutumnRomance85 18]

What bothers me is that he is able to flirt, sext and compliment others but not me despite claiming he loves me. There should, in my thought process, still be a healthy sexual desire including those things. We are missing a huge part and it's hard not to be downright offended that he can do those things with other women due to the anonymity, but not with me.

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

Some men don't know how good they have it, until they lose it.

[dan63 106]

The problem is this...he says he loves me (not in those words because he has a hard time expressing any emotions).

 

Ok, here is the question I have. He says he loves you, but he doesn't say it. What exactly does he say or do that makes you think he wants to say he loves you?

 

You didn't go into any details about your swinging experiences but if I had to guess I would bet that they don't necessarily follow many of the "rules of swinging" and I think most people know what I mean. Are you playing with others because you want to or because he wants to?

[AutumnRomance85 18]

Ok, here is the question I have. He says he loves you, but he doesn't say it. What exactly does he say or do that makes you think he wants to say he loves you?

 

You didn't go into any details about your swinging experiences but if I had to guess I would bet that they don't necessarily follow many of the "rules of swinging" and I think most people know what I mean. Are you playing with others because you want to or because he wants to?

 

I should clarify. He has said he loves me. I can count on one hand the number of times he's said it. Only twice has he said it sober. He's never told anyone he's dated that he loves them. As a matter of fact, he has said he never loved anyone else. Saying it makes him horribly uncomfortable. He does little things on occasion...shoveling out my car when it's covered with snow and terribly cold out so I can sleep in...stuff like that.

 

We were both single in the lifestyle before we met. We always respected other people's boundaries when we were independently active. We both want to do this. Can you clarify what the "rules" are for couples? Neither of us have ever done a lifestyle relationship so maybe we were just ignorant to those rules and that is contributing to the turmoil. I would really appreciate the insight. Thank you for all your help...I appreciate it more than you know

[cplnuswing 4,713]

What bothers me is that he is able to flirt, sext and compliment others but not me despite claiming he loves me. There should, in my thought process, still be a healthy sexual desire including those things. We are missing a huge part and it's hard not to be downright offended that he can do those things with other women due to the anonymity, but not with me.

 

I think you really hit the nail on the head with this post. From what you've described, I just don't see this working out as a swinging relationship. Working on limited information here of course, but to be blunt about it, my sense is you have what it takes, but he doesn't. Of all the swinging couples we have met on more than just a passing basis, the one thing that stands out about them is it is very very obvious they love each other. They don't make a big production of trying to convince others that is so, you can just tell without a doubt that's the way it is, you just sense it.

 

If you're not picking that up from him, then others certainly won't, and in the long run I don't think you can make things work without it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We are missing a huge part and it's hard not to be downright offended that he can do those things with other women due to the anonymity, but not with me.

 

As stated above: nail - head. Listen to yourself on this one. If your relationship is missing something, you shouldn't be swinging. Swinging will only make things worse as it magnifies problems.

 

He has said he loves me. I can count on one hand the number of times he's said it. Only twice has he said it sober.

 

I can count on one hand the number of times I've told Ms. Gold I love her...today (but it's only 8am). There are multiple red flags in this quote alone (only twice SOBER?). Bottom line is there is a huge communication break down here (that leads to a lack of trust and apparently questions about how much love is involved). If he can't or won't tell you that he loves you, for whatever reason, that is a bad thing.

 

Saying it makes him horribly uncomfortable.

 

Why? Because it makes him vulnerable? Because he has problems trusting others? Swinging makes me love Ms. Gold more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It has made our relationship shoot to heights I never imagined possible. I don't care who knows I love her and make it a point to tell her that every day. I couldn't be able to stop myself even if I wanted to (and I sure don't).

 

He does little things on occasion...shoveling out my car when it's covered with snow and terribly cold out so I can sleep in...stuff like that.

 

So, I do things like that for others all of the time...doesn't mean I love them. Kindness isn't the same as love. Saying he loves you along with backing that up with showing he loves you by doing little things, well that's different.

 

He stopped sexting or acting like he was attracted to me. He's more than willing to sext or compliment other women...The fact that he never does this with me or compliments me has me feeling insecure.

 

I am thankful for everything Ms. Gold does for me and I figured out that telling her that makes her want to do more for me...which in turn makes me want to do more for her. I want her to know how awesome I see her as being. I want her to know how important she is to me. If she is feeling insecure, I am doing something wrong and need to fix it. If he can't talk to you about his feelings for you, then this is where your problems start. That he can flirt, sext and compliment others and you can't is another warning flag. You both should be equal in your relationship. That he doesn't want you doing these things shows (IMHO) a lack of trust on his part. Him not wanting to have 'reconnect sex' (or at least reconnect cuddling) afterwards is also strange. I usually can't keep my hands off Ms. Gold (seeing her playing is SO sexy).

 

So telling you he loves you is a problem. Trusting you seems to also be a problem, and he is unwilling to talk to you about why it is a problem is a problem. We agree with what cplnuswing said:

 

Working on limited information here of course, but to be blunt about it, my sense is you have what it takes, but he doesn't.

 

You seem to have the love, trust and communication needed to be successful in the L/S (should you choose to). Just from your limited posts here, it sounds like you are trying to communicate, trust and love him. It doesn't sound like you are getting back nearly as much as you are giving.

 

Back to your original question:

 

This is my first lifestyle relationship...is this normal?

 

Instead of asking this, ask yourself if you removed the 'lifestyle' from the question how would you feel. Is this normal for a (any) relationship?

[CostaRica 130]

By the time my husband told me he loved me I had already left my life and my country and moved halfway around the world to be with him, so I can totally understand "knowing" that someone loves you even when they're not very verbal about it. BUT I don't think you're getting the non verbal signals either, the little passing caresses and looks that let people like cplnuswing know you're in love with each other and let you feel secure in the relationship. I don't think this is really about the big gestures, sexting or anything else, this is about a lack of micro gestures that show someone's true feelings regardless of what they say or don't say.

 

In order to be a happy swinger, you have to feel loved, not just think you're loved, but feel it in the very core of your being, that's what gives the confidence to share your partner, because you know that that love is there. I'm sorry but I don't think you have that with your current partner and until you do, swinging will always be an uncomfortable experience for you.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I wonder if this is a manifestation of an old-fashioned view that classifies women as either slut or wife. You have transmogrified into wife. You are now no longer allowed to be a slut.

[Scaredstiff 129]

It's easy to lose the romantic side of a relationship in my opinion, though for us we lost it about 10 years into our relationship when kids and jobs and exhaustion were the primary factors, makes me wonder if after just 2 years your relationship has what it takes to survive, but only you know the answer, we are only hearing a few details about your side of the story and don't know the full picture.

We got out of our slump by stumbling into a period where we had a lot of sex together, it brought us closer, we wanted to make time for each other and things progressed to where we felt more in love than ever, looking back we had a great holiday in America which was probably what started things back on to the right track, there were many other factors like my wife had given up some responsibilities at work so was less stressed, the kids were older so didn't need constant attention among many other little factors.

Why not organise a weekend away together and hopefully reconnect so that you can talk through your concerns without fear of starting an argument?

I personally wouldn't accept the whole "has trouble conveying emotions" thing, I'm not saying it doesn't exist I'm just saying people can change for the better if they are open to it, my wife was never that touchy feely when compared to previous girlfriends, I always had a problem with it and she always maintained it was her and not me that was the problem, but I basically said I needed that level of affection to be happy, so when she proposed to me I said yes on the condition we worked on that side of our relationship , we did work out what the problem was eventually and we are both much happier for it, what I'm saying is if you need that touchy feely type of relationship then you shouldn't settle for anything less, but it might not be you that's the problem , it could be his work, family or anything else

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

In order to be a happy swinger, you have to feel loved, not just think you're loved, but feel it in the very core of your being

 

There's the pitch...the swing and {crack}...a long fly ball to deep center field...back, back, back, and that one is GONE. Home run out of the park!

[AutumnRomance85 18]

I wonder if this is a manifestation of an old-fashioned view that classifies women as either slut or wife. You have transmogrified into wife. You are now no longer allowed to be a slut.

 

I would have to say that I've thought quite a bit about this considering his very traditional background...i believe this is definitely in play on a subconscious level.

[AutumnRomance85 18]

How were you able to figure out what the issue was behind the struggle with physical affection? I honestly have tried to tell him that this is something that I need in order to feel fulfilled in the relationship...it feels like I'm speaking Greek when I try to tell him though. He just doesn't get it and he's so guarded with his emotions.

[AutumnRomance85 18]

I think you're right. I would be perfectly comfortable with the l/s if the microgestures were there. I just don't know how to convey to him that that is something that I need. I have tried verbalizing it and giving specifics.

[CostaRica 130]

The thing is, those micro gestures aren't something he can make happen, if he felt the way you want him to feel those gestures would be subconscious.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

...it feels like I'm speaking Greek when I try to tell him though. He just doesn't get it and he's so guarded with his emotions.

 

Men rarely change and when they do it usually is only a small shift where women seem to be in constant change. He may very well not understand what you are saying. I'm very sorry to say this, but I think you are also beginning to suspect the same thing: It may be that the two of you are just not going to be a 'match'. Maybe you both need to take a break from each other and see where things go from there. Wishing you the best.