Are we a weird couple?

[CassieNineTales 26]

This might sound odd, but I'm hoping someone out there can relate and give me some guidance. A little bit about our situation: my hubby and I have been together since we were 16. We got married at 19 and are now 25 years old. We have a great relationship and he is a great man. I am bisexual and he has always known that but because we got together so young I never really explored that side of myself (not because my husband wasn't ok with it - he's incredibly supportive - but because I get so nervous around women lol) but I've known I liked women since before I knew I liked men. My husband and I both attach a lot of "feelings" with sex, I guess you could say, neither of us can really get "in the mood", if you will if we don't have some kind of feelings for the person. Stranger sex just doesn't appeal to us, personally. But we have talked at length about swinging and couples/group sex and think it would be really fun and adventurous.

 

I guess that's where things get fuzzy for me I think, because I am so nervous with women, that it would be easier (and more fun) for us to be with a couple because I could relax a little knowing she's with someone she cares about and so am I so we will (hopefully) both be comfortable. As dumb as this question is - is there a such think as 2 couples being in a relationship with each other? Like, how does that work?! Lol I've heard of a married couple having a girlfriend or something like that but I feel like if it is another established couple that we got to know it would take some of the pressure off of me just being with a female (I hope that makes sense).

 

Am I overthinking this? Has anyone ever had a relationship like this? Am I setting myself, and my marriage, up for a terrible situation?

 

Sorry for all the dumb questions but thanks for listening!

 

Cassie

[dan63 106]

Google polyamory relationships. That should give you a good bit of reading material.

[CostaRica 130]

Well, it really depends on how much of a relationship you're looking for. If you're talking "we all move in together and look after each other's children" then you're firmly in polyamory territory. But if you're looking for "we're good friends who care about each other, see each other once or twice a month, maybe vacation together and like to screw" you can definitely find that within the swinger community.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

As dumb as this question is- is there a such think as 2 couples being in a relatioinship with eachother? Like, how does that work?! Lol I've heard of a married couple having a girlfriend or something like that but I feel like if it is another established couple that we got to know it would take some of the pressure off of me just being with a female (I hope that makes sense.) Am I over thinking this? Has anyone ever had a relationship like this? Am I setting myself, and my marriage, up for a terrible situation?

 

It's not a dumb question at all. The short answer is yes, there is such a thing as two couples being in a relationship.

 

As to how it works, that really depends on the relationship. We have had a poster here on the boards who is in a polyamorous relationship with another couple and, I believe, a single women. They live together and even have children together across couples. On the other end of the spectrum, we have swinger couples here who become friends with their play partners and only play (have sex with) people with whom they have some kind of friendship - whether casual or close. What is important to remember is that relationships that involve more than people can be very complex. If you have four people, you have at least six different relationships - even if they aren't all sexual ones - to balance and maintain. Depending one the depth of those relationships, it can take a lot of time, a lot of work and a lot of emotional energy. For those who can do it, it can be very rewarding. For those who can't, it can cause problems.

 

Are you over thinking this? You know, whenever I ask myself that question I already know the answer is yes. I think you do too.

 

Are you setting yourself up for a terrible situation? Honestly, that depends a lot on your situation. The core of both swinging and polyamory is this: open, honest communication. Can you talk to your husband about anything and everything? Every fantasy, every fear, every foolish hope and crazy dream, every emotion that you feel but tell yourself you shouldn't, everything you are afraid to say, every dumb question? Can you, if you needed to, share all of it with him and will he listen? Can he share all of that with you and will you listen? If you can, you're off to a great start (and way ahead of where I was at 25.)

[JandKinBoise 858]

Hi Cassie. You have good questions and have gotten good advice. I think for most people that swing, especially early on, having a bond with another couple is really important. The issue is trying to make that happen. In your hunt for this couple, be prepared to get frustrated. Lionheart spoke of communication. Use your relationship during this time. Make the hunt part of the game and assume it will take some time. As I'm sure you know, friendships can't be forced. There are couples out there like you, that will like you.

 

Now get to work and have fun!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Well, it really depends on how much of a relationship you're looking for. If you're talking "we all move in together and look after each other's children" then you're firmly in polyamory territory. But if you're looking for "we're good friends who care about each other, see each other once or twice a month, maybe vacation together and like to screw" you can definitely find that within the swinger community.

 

I think it all really boils down to this...what kind of relationship you are looking for. All are possible, it's just a matter of where your personal ine is between Poly and swinging, and which side of that line you want to be on.

[adamgunn 1,460]

And understand, of course that it will probably happen slowly, gradually. Even if there was "love at first glance" with your present partner, you know you didn't get married the next day. Take it at whatever speed it happens at, enjoy your journey.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We've been 'dating' the same couple for over three years. Sometimes we play together, sometimes we do vanilla things together...movies, boating, concerts, we've even gone on a couple of vacations together. So the answer to your question is: yes, you are a weird couple...just like we are a weird couple. Look for couples that are looking for FWB. Usually this means that they want to have a friendship (or at least everyone is attracted to each other and there are common grounds and interests for all) before sex. It's really a quite popular stance.

 

Are you overthinking this? Already answered above...if you think you are, then you are. Stop it and just enjoy, don't keep thinking and over analyzing everything (that's MY job...I put the anal in analyze).

 

Am I setting myself, and my marriage, up for a terrible situation?

 

We don't know you two well enough, BUT if you stick with the basic rules you will most likely do just fine. What are the basic rules you ask?

 

Love trust communication - you can't have too much of any of these. If you are not sure you do have enough of any one, then work on increasing that.

Set boundaries and do not exceed them until you have the chance to discuss them alone with your partner in a non-sexual situation.

Never move faster than the slowest member is comfortable with.

No means no. If one of you says no about something, then the answer for both of you is no.

Never take one for the team.

Enjoy the trip as much as the destination. Finding another couple where you all feel interest is HARD and will take work, but the payoff is worth everything that you put into it.

This is a team sport. It is something you do WITH your SO at all times. Go team!

Don't take 'rejection' personally. If another couple isn't interested in you, instead of worrying why they aren't, just move on. Sometimes (a great deal of the time) there just isn't a match from one of them. If they know that it isn't going to work for them, they are doing you a favor and saving you a bunch of time by letting you know (BTW, this is much easier said than done).

Have FUN.

And finally: Love trust communication - I started with this and I'm finishing with this. If you truly, deeply love each other then you will trust each other. If you trust each other then you can (and should) talk about anything and everything. By communicating with each other it always leads to greater love for each other. A vicious circle...

 

I'm sure that there are a few things I'm just overlooking at the moment, but I'm just as sure that others will chime in and post them. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[CassieNineTales 26]

Thank you all so much for your honest answers! I hope one day I will have your guys confidence and poise. I dont even know the first step we would take in getting into the lifestyle. But I feel like it will be fun getting to learn about it all with my Hubby (and maybe one day... another couple) lol

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I dont even know the first step we would take in getting into the lifestyle.

 

The first steps I took were researching the idea online and talking about it with my partner. So, it sounds to me like you're off to a good start.

 

The next step, when you're ready, is meeting someone and there are lots of ways to do that, some of which will work for you while others won't. Some people put a profile online, some people go to clubs, some people just happen to randomly discover a potential play partner in the course of everyday life (that third one doesn't happen often, but it can happen once in a blue moon when the stars are just perfectly aligned ). You have to discover what works best for you as you go... though I'm sire we'd all be happy to answer any questions you might have.

 

The key is to move at the pace you and your partner are comfortable moving at and, as GoldCoCouple said, have fun.

[Guest]

Personally I'd simply suggest looking for a friendship with another girl.....

 

Single Men: Are interested only in sex and are not even interested in basic friendship let alone a relaitonship with a couple.

 

Couples: Can be okay but its dam hard to find one you gel with properly, a couple who shares all the same desires as you.

 

Single Women: Often make great regular friends who will offer a lot more friendship and fun.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Yes, you've already taken that first step by talking about it with your SO and then coming here (make that two steps). That puts you miles ahead of most of the general population. Keep gathering info and talking with your SO (isn't this so exciting to be able to do this!) and then consider the possibility of same room sex with another couple (live porn!). One step at a time...

[CassieNineTales 26]

Yes, you've already taken that first step by talking about it with your SO and then coming here (make that two steps). That puts you miles ahead of most of the general population. Keep gathering info and talking with your SO (isn't this so exciting to be able to do this!) and then consider the possibility of same room sex with another couple (live porn!). One step at a time...

 

It is very exciting! I love knowing that my hubby is open and accepting of my desires. We will definitely keep the line of communication open. =) thank you!

 

Cassie

[69hardon69 15]

You have a lot of good insight from the response's you have gotten. Its good to"Think" these things thru and discern the "ands, buts, and whatever's" of personal decisions. Only you will know and when that is made you only need to answer to yourself and know-one else. When you answer all the Q you have then you will "know" what you should do....and you and you alone will feel good abt that move. Good luck and take your time, life will continue till you do make the move...what-ever it be.

[Funguy796 44]

Hello Cassie I want to share how much I can relate to you. I was in a very similar position a few years ago. My partner wanted to swing and I felt nervous....deep down, I was just insecure. We found out the biggest turn on for her was MFM or MMF threesomes. I never, ever would have thought I was bi. She was and still is str8 but through my experiences, I because much more understanding and being bi made our threesomes so much fun. I think you have a very strong relationship and communication between you both will guide your actions. Best wishes to you both:) Please keep is in loop how this goes for you.