Swinger couples that just want to talk but never follow through

[Faery Heart 16]

Our frustration is in finding other couples to play with. We are on several websites and are finding that couples who initially seem interested in getting together will talk and put us off and we end up not getting together at all.

 

Is there another way to meet other couples that would be interested in actually getting together?

[adamgunn 1,460]

You may be falling into the trap of over-communicating. When searching for partners on SwingLifeStyle, I put a limit of 6-8 emails back and forth. At that time, I'm pretty sure we're interested or not. If not, I politely tell them of our decision.

 

If we are interested, I suggest a meet; drinks, coffee or something. If they hem and haw, I figure they're not really interested, and I'll tell them to get back in contact with us when they get some time, leaving open a return if they decide they are ready down the road.

 

Altogether, within a week they are forgotten or we have a date set.

[2NoLimit 95]

We have gotten several offers online. We weed out the ones we don't see as compatible with a polite email. Have set up, and gone on a few dates (someone mentioned that you can know if you have compatibility in just the first 5 minutes. So True!) but we have meet some nice couples and have hit it off pretty well. Now comes the problem. We don't play on 1st dates! It's one of our rules. But this has been problematic due to having to setup a second date, and here's why. We have little ones so we don't get that much time, our go out days are Saturday evenings so only 4 days out of the month. We don't want to lose potential playmates so we schedule an open Saturday with them. Now it becomes more tricky to schedule a second date with someone you hit it off because of other planned dates. We are not the type to reschedule, we are very responsible in that way, and don't like it when someone does it to us. At the same time we are getting more offers on SDC and SLS. We don't want to sound uninterested but when they ask to meet we have to tell them it will probably have to be some time next month. Hate to sound rude but we are not canceling others. How do you manage all that and be nice about it?

 

My husband suggested to set up multiple meets on one of the monthly SDC mixer M&G's, but to make sure we let them know will be meeting more then just one couple.

 

On the other hand if you are having hang ups. Look for one of the vanilla M&G's (don't see to many on SLS but SDC has them all the time). You can see who is attending, and if you like someone reach out to them. That way you have someone to talk too during the meet, and if you don't see a compatibility you have others you can chat with. The SDC mixers always has around 150+ couples that attend (this is between Miami and Palm beach), and they are always held in a no pressure Vanilla settings, some are even held at strip clubs.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

6-8 emails?!! We do 2-3 emails and if it looks like we are on the same page, we set up a first meeting for dinner. You will find out in that first 5 minutes if there is a connection or not while you may never find that out via email and text.

 

As for other ways to meet, there's clubs and house parties...once again you will figure out rather fast if there is a connection or not by meeting people in person. Good luck and let us know how things are going for you two.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

So far we have only been using Adult Friend Finder to look for couples that we might be compatible with. Our profile is clear in what we are looking for in a couple and it's nothing overly picky. At the end we state we move at our own pace and we are looking to start with same room with our partners.

 

When we start a conversation with a couples or single men over the IM I always say "We move at our own pace which may be two slow for some. If that's not what your looking for that's ok. We can move on. Everyone always says they are ok with it. Every time we get two or three emails into a conversation they push for a meeting. Most recently without even seeing a picture of them and they only gave 3 or 4 one word answers. With it being online and us being new to all of this I don't want to end up having a bad experience with a pushy single or couple. That would totally our interest in lifestyle.

 

Looking for advice for those with experience. Are we doing something wrong? How long is a typical chat before a meeting?

 

We are ready to give up on the online version

[njbm 2,871]

Maybe you should go to a club (many good ones in Toronto). You can meet people in person. The sites can be tedious. Just to get to meet a couple is often an ordeal.

[Guest]

I agree the online chat situation often puts me off people.

 

But sadly, everything you said above basically seems to be normal behaviour when chatting to people online about sexual subjects such as swinging / group sex.

 

In fact its a fairly long and in depth subject that can have many reasons and variables, some of those reasons and variables are BAD, and some of them are not, for example:

 

1. ENDLESS EMAILS: A lot of people who are interested in swinging "have or will" encounter this at some point in their journey. They meet someone nice online, they begin chatting and sharing emails, they are surprised to find this person or couple sound totally perfect for them. Theirs pictures look clean and attractive, their experience levels match your own, what they are looking for matches you perfectly, even their hobbies sound like a great match to your own and all of a sudden you become excited, you finally think you have found an amazing match to play with, someone who on paper seems perfect for you.

 

Then however you discover this person is actually nervous about meeting, they say things like "We want to chat more first" or "We want to get to know you better on line before meeting" or even "We don't just want to rush in and meet in person as were still a little nervous" so over the next 2,3,4 months you play email ping pong, you answer their questions, you tell them all about you as people, you talk in depth about the things you would like to explore, you tell them you find them very attractive, you get even more excited reading their responses, and THEN after weeks or even months of effort THEY VANISH WITHOUT A TRACE!!!!

 

Such people actually have no interest in meeting people whatsoever, they have no interest in things turning into a sexual fun friendship, but basically they just enjoy coming home and reading emails that call them sexy / attractive / great / what we are looking for. Its what a lot of swingers call the "Endless Email Trap" and usually its either a man who enjoys reading naughty messages and seeing naked pictures of people so he can masturbate to the idea of a threesome, or its a single women who enjoys getting 4 million messages telling her she is sexy, and on some occasions it even couples where the male half of the couple already knows his wife will not agree to swinging so instead he messages people alone and gets all horny reading the messages, but actually has no intention of meeting people in person.

 

Over the years this has happened to me 3 or 4 times and have to say its very frustrating and upsetting to waste your time chatting to people, to spend hours or even days thinking about replies, to read emails that on paper sound perfect, then after weeks or even months of effort just have that person delete their account and vanish into the wind. You suddenly realise that you have wasted an incredible amount of time effort and thought on a person who was never going to meet in the first place, a person who simply wanted to talk about the idea of swinging but not actually swing with you at all, just talk endlessly.

 

With that in mind a lot of couples, and even some singles are eager to avoid that situation, they don't want massive chats online, they don't want to spend weeks emailing each other, in fact they simply want to meet you for a coffee to see you are a real person, to see that you are willing to meet up, to make sure your not just looking for endless email chats, to make sure your not just some horny man masturbating behind a computer screen or some needy attention seeking girl wanting to read messages everyday telling her how great and attractive she looks.

 

2. FAKE PROFILES: This is a little similar to above but sadly in this lifestyle some idiot time wasting people do create totally "Fake Accounts" for example if you imagine a grossly over weight 38 year old who still lives in his mothers basement and spends all his time sitting on a computer, the kind of guy who hasn't bathed properly in a week, the kind of guy who is messy, smelly, addicted to masturbating, the kind of guy who can not even find a partner in the real world, then sure such people often create fake online identities, they pretend to be a young hot single women, or they pretend to be a fit attractive single man and steal other peoples pictures and set up fake accounts. These people are usually very very sexually motivated and they will ask a barrage of sexual questions such as.....

 

"What would you do to me if you were here now?"

"Would you let me slide my big hard dick up your wife's nice little pussy?"

"Would you like to suck the cum off the end of my cock?"

 

They basically want you to tell them a sexual story whilst they furiously masturbate to your replies, but again this is an incredible waste of time, this person is never going to meet you in real life or else you would have a 35 stone guy showing up with reseeding greasy hair and seaman stains covering his unwashed trousers. So when a couple does experience things like this they often insist on a social meeting very quickly indeed, they say "Lets simply meet for a coffee" lets see were all real, lets get some proof your willing to meet in person and don't just want sexy online talk.

 

3. UNSURE COUPLES: You will also find in a lot of cases MEN are actually pushing their wives into this situation. If you speak with some of the more experienced swingers on this web site then they will have numerous stories where they have met couples only to find a highly sexed man who wants sex now, now, now, and his wife is a scared little sheep who has obviously been pushed or talked into this situation. That actually the wife has 0% interest in this subject but is just giving it a try to please her husband or boyfriend and this often leads into disaster for everyone involved.

 

Usually you would meet the couple and play maybe 1 or 2 times before the unwilling wife who is been dragged along begins to cause issues, that couple will often argue, fall out, become erratic which will give you a bad experience in the long run. However if you quickly meet that couple for a coffee you can soon assess if they are both interested, if one of them is been pushed or rail roaded into this subject. That in a lot of cases horny husbands sat at home will message you and agree to meet without their wife even having a clue and she will be talked or forced into the situation later after its agreed, spotting such couples is a way to avoid a lot of drama and usually the only way you can spot that is by meeting them for a coffee and finding out in person.

 

4. MEN: Sadly I'd say a lot of guys give this subject a really bad name, that basically for every 1 good decent and honest person online there are a 1000 pushy, sex crazed, rude men, the type of men who have 0% interest in you as a person but simply want sex "NOW!!!!!" That they are not interested in your hobbies, are not interested in your friendship, not interested in your rules or boundaries, all they care about is their hard cock ramming into the women, and they want that on their terms, their time frame, when it suits them. Such men will ask you to meet NOW, straight away, they will ask you to meet without even asking your names, without even introducing themselves, without any chatting whatsoever because their prime goal is sex and pleasing their penis, their prime goal is NOT YOU, just the holes your body has, to such men you are a walking vagina on legs, you are a cum bucket, something in which to ram their dicks and in my experience you can usually spot such people by their messages and they are worth avoiding.

 

Such men will bombard you with messages such as.....

 

"Does your wife want to swallow my cum?"

"Does you wife take it up the ass?"

"She is well fit I'd bang her"

"Bet she sucks dick like a trooper?"

 

Basically rude sexual messages with no interest in you as people, such messages get deleted straight away, if they persist they often get blocked. But generally the "We must meet NOW and have dirty sex" type things come from men. You can start by avoiding those messages, but sadly like stated for every 1 decent person or couple there are 1000 of these rude sexed crazed men looking for easy no strings sex.

 

5. THE ONLINE BOX: Most of us know that speaking online can be very difficult, that your words can easily be misinterpreted, your words can easily be taken wrong, that actually online you are not a person you are a small box of text on a computer screen. You will find when speaking online a lot of people will speak a lot naughtier than they would in person, they will speak about sex, they will talk about all the rude things they would like to do, they may even embellish some truths or even make up a few facts about themselves. Often the best way to really get to know that person is by meeting them in person hence whya lot of people will say, lets meet for a coffee and see how we get along, it cuts out the unreal online situation and lets you see the real person behind the box.

 

6. NOT INTERESTED AT ALL: Another big reason people ask to meet quickly is to see if they are actually interested in you or not. This has happened to me several times, but I have met someone online, I have spent several weeks chatting to them, we have discussed all sorts of subjects, we have basically spoken about everything we would like to happen, we have answered questions, we have discussed likes and dislikes, we have discussed rules and boundaries, we have shared pictures. THEN weeks later you actually go and meet that person for a coffee only to find you are not interested in them AT ALL. That for whatever reason you know its not going to work out.

 

Maybe you meet them and find their sense of hygiene doesn't match your own, maybe you meet them only to find an aggressive pushy man is leading the way, maybe you meet them and the things they say in person put you off them, maybe you meet them are the 20 year old pictures they had online told a very different story to them today. To give you a few examples that have happened in my life I'd say we once met a guy after speaking with him online for several weeks and when he turned up his hand / finger nails were totally filthy, it honestly didn't look like he had washed his hands in weeks which put us off straight away. Another time we spoke with a guy for weeks, shared emails, shared pictures and when he finally met us in person he began speaking about the local prostitutes / call girls which again put us off him.

 

 

 

MY ADVICE.........

 

 

Meeting in person is often a very quick way to find out if your even interested in this person, its a quick way to assess if this person will even meet you in real life, a quick way to figure out if they are a real person or a time waster or fake account. Give it a few years and when you encounter these time wasters, then you encounter these fake profile people, when you waste hours of your time messaging people who have no intention of meeting you in real life at all then suddenly YOU will be the one asking to meet for a coffee straight away.

 

In my experience there is nothing wrong with meeting someone for a social coffee meet quickly, it will allow you to weed out the time wasters and fakes, it will allow you to quickly see if your really interested in this person without wasting hours messaging them. My general advice would be to share a few messages and then arrange to meet this person or couple for a social coffee just as friends.

 

On meeting this person pick a coffee house or quiet bar that is not near your home, travel into the city centre and meet somewhere away from your home, do not tell this person specific details about your lives, do not tell them where you work, so not tell them what road or street you live on, do not tell them who your friends or family are, do not tell what clubs or pubs you attend, instead just be vague, just have a normal chat avoiding direct details about your life. Have a chat, spend some time chatting, see if you like them in person, see if they are a good match for you, see if you can notice any red flags or issues, after which say goodnight and head home with your partner and then discuss what you think?

 

You can then email them and either say you would like to chat more / would like to meet again / or sorry we don't see it working out, but it will save you weeks of messaging, it will allow you to avoid time wasters, will allow you to avoid fake profiles. Also its worth remembering that you will arrange to meet some people and they won't even turn up at all, these people are the fakes and time wasters who you have quickly weeded out of the bunch. Perhaps the biggest thing you will find is just how different a person is when meeting them in real life, yes they can look and sound perfect on paper, their messages and emails can sound amazing but meeting them in person often tells the real story.

 

My last bit of advice would be.....

 

SINGLE MEN: I noticed you mentioned single guys in your post, well please be aware that a massive, massive amount of these so called "Single Men" are not actually single at all and a huge amount of them are actually cheating on their wives or girlfriends. You will find a lot of guys are rude, they are only interested in you for easy sex, they can be pushy, can give one line answers, can be totally sex crazed, a lot of them will lie to people simply to get sex so be careful when chatting to such men, don't let a sea of cheating idiots put you off the nice people who are out there.

[ViSexual 1,008]

We met two couples that were lots of fun and not pushy at all. But we didn't meet them through any swinger's site like SLS. I think that folks who put profiles on SLS, and similar sites, are wanting action faster than you.

 

I was writing erotica and posting on erotic story sites. Now the erotica was about swinging.

 

Anyway, the first couple was someone, the husband, who also posted on the same site and we became friends through feedback on each other's work. Then the wives got into it and we had lots of fun email exchanges and even very revealing phot exchanges. And, btw..., that was 20 years ago and we're still online friends.

 

With the second couple it was the wife who was posting. We probably knew them for two months or more before we set up an evening and time to meet online and chat. That first chat session was an hour into it when we, unplanned, began exchanging photos. They, like us, had taken lots of photos in advance..., just in case. After the first, rather risque ones were exchanged, the ice was broken and very explicit photos flowed that night.

 

That couple later, probably three months later, came to visit for a few days.

 

So, what I'm saying is, perhaps you should look on sites other than real swinger's sites.

[Guest]

First decide and agree upon what it is you are looking for, MFM, bi experience for her or you or whatever. Then go to a club as suggested. If your goal is something with another couple, make it a couples club. If its just having sex in front of others, or even bi activity for her, make it a couples club Life will be much more simple. If you aren’t looking for a single male, the couples club affords you the opportunity to not be confronted by all of those would be salesmen.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Our experience with AFF hasn't been very positive, but your results may vary. We would suggest trying somewhere else. 3-4 word emails don't require an answer, ever. As for others pushing for a meeting after several emails: you will learn more about the other couple (especially if there is any connection) in 5 minutes in person than 5 years of texts and/or emails. We would suggest that you take them up on the offer and meet them. Let them know that the first meeting is ONLY a meeting (usually for drinks or dinner). Playing is off the table. That takes a lot of the pressure off of a meeting. Go out, have a nice night with your SO and get the chance to talk with another couple that is already doing what you are hoping to do. Worst thing is that you get information and insight from another more experienced couple. Best thing is you get a second date...

[Guest 2B13RFUN]

Work it at your own pace. Don't pander to the vicarious voyeur, and picture collector.

 

If you meet and there's no interest, move along. There's more folks out there.

 

Online is just like real life- it has its share of knobheads. This is just a tool to explore options. Once you discover a possible lead, you will still need to use your reason and discernment to advance.

[kikonkrome 844]

People are on these sites to meet in person. Frankly, you could be lying and not an actual couple, have you ever seen the show 'Catfish'? Well nobody wants to be 'Catfished' for want of a better term. So if there is no meeting after a few emails, the people you are talking to get suspicious and are better off moving on.

 

Sorry I would say you are being unrealistic, and short sighted in what you are expecting from others.

 

You may say what your meaning of 'your pace'is? A month or two of emails and texts? More than three or four? Eight or Ten emails or texts?

 

Good luck and have fun, remember at some point this means taking a risk and meeting in person.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

We have gotten some great advice on here. We really appreciate the input. In this case I think we move on from online chats and emails.