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SimplyUs

He played and now I'm being ignored.

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We are not new to swinging but the other night brought to us a situation I never expected.

 

We went to a club this past weekend and I thought we had a blast. While there he hooked up with the wife of a couple we knew pretty well. She doesn't play with women and I understand that.

 

Long story short the two of them went off and had their moment. I have no problems with the events of the night at all. I do have a problem with the fact that he promised to make sure I had mine that evening as well. That was the agreement.

 

He is totally ignoring me. Won't engage or touch me sensually or sexually at all. He actually being distant and mean. I'm worried something happened. I don't like this feeling. He's never made me feel this way before. He's breaking our number one rule of communication. I'm dying inside and feel so betrayed.

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You say his moment was with the wife of a couple you know well? Could it be that they have more than just a friendship and casual sexual relationship? I hope not but it's the only thing that seems to make sense. If you're pretty good friends with her, she might be the best source for finding out the problem. I sure feel for you and hope it's just something silly and simple.

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Help me to understand. How does not having your moment during your visit to the club relates to your husband ignoring you? I might also ask, did he ignore you and act distant just that evening at the club? Or has he, rather, been acting this way for a while and is he continuing to act this way? I believe your best path is to tell him how he has made you feel. You can both then look into the reasons.

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No this is the first time he has acted this way. I tried to talk to him but it just started a fight. We had made an agreement prior to his playtime that we would have our playtime afterwards. So now I am finding myself very scared and confused. In 16 years this is a first for us.

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Back in 2007 we invited a single girl to stay over at our house for the night, sadly however my girlfriend at the time simply wasn't ready to explore a threesome and think she felt slightly threatened by this slim attractive girl joining us for the night. Come bed time the other girl slept in our spare bedroom, getting into bed with my girlfriend we snuggled for a while and she said....

 

"You can go and fuck the other girl if you want?"

 

Shortly followed by her saying...

 

"You know you want to"

 

An sure I did want to, so after a short while I got out of bed and went into the spare room, I couldn't resist, I was extremely horny and had bare back sex with this new girl several times before returning to my own bedroom sometime later.

 

The next day I have to say I was filled with regret because not only had my girlfriend become upset, but I also felt like I had cheated on her.

 

Its a really strange feeling for a man, kind of like saying....

 

"I love you babes, but my dick was firmly up another women last night, you know that and I do as well"

 

It created a lot of tension between us, I struggled to make eye contact with my girlfriend, struggled to speak with her, felt distant.

 

I felt guilty for my sexy treat, that sure my own girlfriend was the one who suggested it, but still I felt I had cheated or somehow betrayed her by been with this other girl.

 

I also began to blame my girlfriend....

 

"It was your idea"

 

"Your the one who didn't want to join us"

 

When really it was my hard throbbing penis that led me into that spare room, I could have said no after all.

 

In the retail industry there is something called "Buyers Remorse"

 

When you go out and buy something really expensive and fancy, but you already know you shouldn't have done that, and whilst your happy you also regret it.

 

Same deal here I guess, happy as hell to do it but regret it after.

 

I'd also say its a "Game Changing" event.

 

That at the time me and my girlfriend has agreed we would explore threesomes together, but when I slept with a girl alone it not only made me feel like I has cheated but also unlocked a lot of questions in myy mind, such as.....

 

So can I do this all the time now?

Can I see this women on my own now?

Is this going to be a regular thing?

Is my girlfriend ever going to join in?

Should I just sneak off and see this women when I want some fun myself?

 

The main point however was that I had really enjoyable sex with another girl but I did feel guilty about that for some weeks after, it made communication between me and my girlfriend very difficult, I felt shy, embarrassed, awkward, I felt guilty like I had done something wrong but that my girlfriend was the one who suggested it.

 

I didn't want to run away with this new girl, I didn't want to leave my girlfriend, really I just wanted to shove my dick in her but felt guilty after for doing so.

 

Maybe your partner just feels guilty, unsure, awkward, that he feels guilty for having another women on his own, guilty for enjoying himself, feels a bit conflicted because you was okay with it but he still feels a bit guilty about it all.

 

My suggestion would be to give it 2 or 3 weeks and let the experience pass a little more, perhaps avoid the same situation again, play with a girl where you can take part.

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I didn't think of it that way. In the moment, he seemed really into it and it never crossed my mind that he might regret it. I thought the fault was with me some how. I haven't brought it up again since Sunday. I did find out that he NEVER wants to play alone again. He has asked that I be in the room if a situation ever arises again and he reminded me his intention was to play together. Only time will tell. And like you said, giving it time to heal is best.

 

Thank you for your pearls of wisdom and thank you to all the others who offered their voice. Sometimes it's hard to find perspective, especially when you are confused yourself.

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Just an update. We've talked and Sun and Moon you hit it on the head. What I've learned from this is he feels more than I give him credit for. We've adjusted our play rules and are choosing to grow from this. thanks everyone for your input. It is greatly appreciated.

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...

 

"You can go and fuck the other girl if you want?"

 

Shortly followed by her saying...

 

"You know you want to"

 

...

 

That is pretty much what I said to hubby when I first let him play with other women. (He had no problem with me playing with my ex-fiance since the beginning of our relationship.) My reaction was just as intense, I found it painful but extremely liberating. I wanted my husband to make love to me immediatley when he returned. When I eventually demanded to watch (she couldn't turn me down if she wanted to continue with him), it became more intense, painful in a good way. Now I can't imagine life any other way. So my point? One never knows how these things turn out.

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Just an update. We've talked and Sun and Moon you hit it on the head. What I've learned from this is he feels more than I give him credit for. We've adjusted our play rules and are choosing to grow from this. thanks everyone for your input. It is greatly appreciated.

 

 

Well that's great news :)

 

I'm glad you sorted things out :)

 

This is perhaps a silly example but I'd say the subject you have dealt with here is actually very normal basic emotion that even happens in the animal world.

 

For example.....

 

A dog often loves its master, a dog would do anything for its master, a lot of dogs would fight to the death for their master, however when you give a dog a REALLY BIG TREAT that you put a huge stake in front of the dog then sure a lot of dogs will stop and look at their master, they will look at their master as if to say....

 

"Is all of this really mine?"

 

"Are you sure I can eat all of this myself?"

 

"Is this treat all for me?"

 

Then the dog spends several minutes running back and forth between its owner and the food, it doesn't know if to eat the stake or wag its tail and thank its owner, then obviously it eats all the food.

 

Sometimes when you open a door for a dog they look at you as if to say....

 

"Wow are you taking me out?"

 

"Are you sure I can go outside?"

 

"Wow this is such a treat are you sure?"

 

 

I guess the point is animals and even us humans always look towards the ones we love and care about the most for permission, encouragement, support, reassurance.

 

That sometimes a dog needs know....

 

Are you sure I can eat all this lovely bacon?

Are you okay with me eating this big posh treat?

 

Sometimes a man needs to know....

 

Are you 100% positive that you don't mind me sleeping with this other person?

Are you totally sure you don't mind this?

I'd feel happier if you tuck part and also enjoyed it with me?

 

 

When my wolf dog was older every time I placed food in front of her she would stand to attention and wag her tail, she would stand in front of her bowl and look a the food and then she would look directly at me and she would not eat until I said....

 

"Go on then, its okay girl, eat"

 

Then she would run over to me, jump up, wag her tail before returning to eat.

 

She was asking for permission from who she viewed as the Alpha.

 

A lot of the time men look to their wife or girlfriend for the same kind of permission and encouragement.

 

Anyway I'll shut up lol.

 

x

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Sun & Moon;

 

I have read many posts in my time but this is hands down, the best, most honest response I have ever read. I think so often (I say this as a woman) we forget how strong that urge can be from a man. I so appreciate seeing it from a man's perspective. It sheds so much light for me! Thanks.

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