Insulting decline

[njbm 2,868]

For the second time, a couple declined to play with us by saying he would like to play with my wife, but we don't have a four way match.

 

Call me thin skinned, but isn't that insulting to me? He is saying that his wife doesn't want to play with me.

 

Would it not be more diplomatic to just say we are not a match?

 

Well, my wife is hot. I will play with her and that guy won't. And my wife is much hotter than the two women who dissed me.

 

It's a rough crowd out there!

 

Ps: I am HWP, above average looking, certified good partner.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Would it not be more diplomatic to just say we are not a match? . . .

Yes it would. Diplomacy and courtesy seem not to be taught in school.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Call me thin skinned, but isn't that insulting to me? He is saying that his wife doesn't want to play with me.

 

Would it not be more diplomatic to just say we are not a match?

 

He is being honest with you. There may be a more diplomatic way of saying it but not every one is skilled in things like that. Yes it is insulting but I would rather be with honest people than deceptive ones.

[njbm 2,868]

Well we are not going to be "with" them. Just a reminder to all the polite people on this board to be aware of people's feelings.

[Wornsilver 219]

Well we are not going to be "with" them. Just a reminder to all the polite people on this board to be aware of people's feelings.

You mention this board, and it has continually surprised me that people here are as polite and helpful as can be. Give the average person anonymity and controversy, and they become savages. Credit the folks here. This attitude of non-civility is cultivated today in our society, and without getting political, just look at the way the press behaves these days!! That's why we love this board and the contributors to it.

[padoc 1,703]

Oh, come on! The guy told you the truth. You want something sugar coated, visit the candy aisle at Shoprite. Our position is that we owe no one we meet anything other than punctuality and honesty. We have a 20/20 rule in that we know within 20 seconds to 20 minutes whether we'll want to move forward with a couple. Sometimes, its me, more often its Mrs Doc who vetoes the next engagement. When pressed, if that is the case, I'll say it was her call. We met and played with a couple several times a few months ago. I REALLY enjoyed the other woman but with each encounter, Mrs Doc became less and less enchanted with the guy. When the other wife called to invite us to their place for a pool/sex afternoon, I declined and felt it was necessary to tell her the honest reason. Facts are facts and the truth is the truth. I also felt that she and I had a nice connection and I didn't want her to have any doubt that she was the reason.

[2NoLimit 95]

I disagree with the above comment.

 

We feel honesty and politeness go hand in hand. By telling the other wife that it's not you but your wife. That puts your wife in a bad spot, and consider that selfish on your part. No reason to give an explanation, other then we are no longer interested. I would hate it if my husband would blame me for not wanting to play anymore. Yea it's the truth but why hurt someone's feelings when there's other ways.

Just giving my 2 cents.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Boorish behavior is all too common. "No thank you" without further comment or explanation suffices. "You (plural) are not a match for us (plural)" is equally direct.

 

Yet let us offer an aside. Expectations change, interests change, and people change. How one handles rejection can be a most important aspect of a first impression. Rejection is part of vanilla life and part of the LS. So many people handle it badly, either getting angry or getting hurt. People who handle rejection well are sufficiently rare that they are memorable--and they are remembered.

 

On more than one occasion--both in vanilla life and in the LS--we've heard, "you know, you're not a fit for {us|this job|this company|this party}, but we know {this couple|this opportunity|this group} that we think you might find fun or rewarding or...". And on more than one occasion, an initial "no thank you" gets followed up at some point with a "how about...".

 

Yes, it's a rough crowd out there. Handling rejection well takes class and shows class. With fair frequency it catapults one to the head of the class.

[padoc 1,703]

Rejection is never easy. There have been occasions when we've been told, "he just doesn't do it for her". We actually appreciate the honesty. This hobby, for us anyway, is about recreational sex. We'd rather have an honest rejection than a mammy-pamby, milk toast, "we're not a match" comment. Meh….!!! We'd rather have it straight than wonder, "should I have had a salad instead of the veal parm" (too much garlic????). Did Mrs Doc put on 10 lbs, do they hate our cats?? Can conservative republicans genuinely enjoy sex with a left wing couple? Hell, we voted against Hillary, not FOR Trump so are we disqualified?? Our point is that if one or both of us doesn't work for a couple, for us, it's better to know the reason than to guess. We have broad shoulders and a firm stance, we CAN handle the truth and none of you need to protect our tender feelings. Tell us the truth, we'll tell you. THAT'S a fair exchange.

[2NoLimit 95]

I appreciate your honesty. But just because you can take rejection well doesn't mean the vast majority can. Why not be caring in this situation and think of others? If they are thick skinned like you, then they would probably ask why, and then I would agree to give them the honest reasons. If they take it personal... well they shouldn't have asked. But at least you gave them an option.

 

My husband would probably agree with you, but I tend to be more caring of others feelings.

[njbm 2,868]

I'll admit to being a sensitive Snowflake. But why do you have to point out the weak link and make one out of four people feel that they are the reason this foursome will not continue? Why not say we are all

not a match and leave it at that. Honesty sounds nice but not at expense of unnecessarily hurting feelings. We are careful not to pin the tail on the donkey.

[SimplyUs 28]

Oh, come on! The guy told you the truth. You want something sugar coated, visit the candy aisle at Shoprite.

 

There is a huge difference between being a brute and being honest. It's not sugar coating to practice a modicum of tact.

[SimplyUs 28]

Unfortunately, we forget that not all people really know how to behave. For what ever the reason, it just isn't there. Very admirable that you have such a wonderful attribute to your character. It's almost mythical to possess a trait such as tact. I am sorry that you felt the sting of such an ugly remark. Seems as if you made out like a bandit in the end. From the reaction of the other couple, I would dare to say it wouldn't have been everything you wanted it to be anyways. Keep your chin up.

[Brad145 58]

For the second time, a couple declined to play with us by saying he would like to play with my wife, but we don't have a four way match.

 

 

You've been a member here since 2004 and this has only happened twice?

 

Damn buddy, I wish i was so lucky!

[padoc 1,703]

If you can't take rejection in any form (no response to email, no call back after a meeting, no thanks, a direct, she's (or he's) just not into you or her or a sugarcoated we're just not a match followed by what we call the insincere Florida "I'm sorry") then you're probably too thin skinned to be involved in swinging at all. Everybody gets rejected in this hobby at one time or another, its just part of the experience. Accept it and move on. We rejected a couple early on based upon where we were at in our progression, the guy was a bit aggressive and we were still quite tentative. Fast forward 5 years ahead, we ran into this same couple at Trapeze, got reacquainted and had a marvelous evening. We had caught up to them and the reason Mrs Doc was uncomfortable had disappeared.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I'll admit to being a sensitive Snowflake. But why do you have to point out the weak link and make one out of four people feel that they are the reason this foursome will not continue? Why not say we are all

not a match and leave it at that. Honesty sounds nice but not at expense of unnecessarily hurting feelings. We are careful not to pin the tail on the donkey.

 

A lot of people confuse rudeness with honesty and that's unfortunate.

 

OTOH, some people just manage to unintentionally say exactly the wrong thing. I've personally, inadvertently, insulted at least two people this week because my choice of phrasing hit a hot button for them. We don't always say the right thing at the right time and it can cause bad feeling. I'm not excusing it, either in the fellow you where dealing with or for myself. I'm just saying, it happens. A friend of mine calls it "opening mouth to change feet."

 

Sometimes, we just need to rise above. If it's someone you plan on dealing with again, be honest and say "the way you said that hurt my feelings" ... then build on how they reply. If it's someone you will never deal with again, bitch about it a little and then move on. Life's too short to let the bastards drag you down.

[njbm 2,868]

We met a terrific couple this weekend. We had an easy four way match. Forgot about the last couple entirely. Their loss.

 

I don't mind if I or we get rejected. It's happened a lot in our lifestyle career. I (we) just don't need to find out who does not like who and why. It's hurtful. Just think about it if you do this.