Husband and I not on the same playing level

[Jare1998 62]

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for almost a year. We started by meeting a couple last year at a resort and end up with me having sex with the guy and my husband unable to do anything due to a variety of reasons, mainly because I wasn't intending to have sex with the guy at all. It just ended up that way. We had originally discussed us finding a female for us to play with as I wasn't comfortable with swapping yet. But on our first encounter it happened that the guy and I hit it off and I had sex with him while my husband, so shocked by me changing my mind in the heat of the moment, couldn't get it up to do anything with the female half. We played again later that night and it was just a repeat of what happened earlier. We stayed friends with the couple, played a fee more times, each one ending that the same. My husband had success once but it wasn't what he'd call great sex. He was jus able to do it. We've played with a few other couples now, all the same story. I can pretty much let go, do anything with the guy and he's left out. He has had body confidence issues, he has a small deformity of his chest that really robs him of his confidence but what also is the issue is me saying I wouldn't be comfortable doing such and such, but I end up doing just the opposite in the heat of the moment. I am not good at setting boundaries with people, I am definitely a people pleaser. I let the other person take the lead and not bother to stop them when we are crossing boundaries. It's an issue I need to work on but I realize that this is causing my husband a lot of issues with his trust and self esteem. He's unable to have any fun because he is worried I will be unable to say no to someone. So far he has been unsuccessful at being able to have sex with anyone, he gets distracted easily and can't keep an erection. Can anyone else relate? I need some suggestions on how to slow things down on my end and let him catch up. He really wants to be able to do this but with me going full speed ahead and leabing him behind, it is impossible for is to continue. How do I get from being a people pleaser to focusing on my husbands needs without feeling like I'm slighting the other couple by wanting to move slower and give my hubby a chance to enjoy things

[machiavel55 81]

......How do I get from being a people pleaser to focusing on my husbands needs without feeling like I'm slighting the other couple by wanting to move slower and give my hubby a chance to enjoy things

 

So after reading this post I took a look at some of your previous posts and in some of them you mention that you're both having fun..yet your husband seems to have lots of issues..so I'm a bit confused....anyway...what really jumped at me right away in your post is that:

1) you both agreed on limits and rules prior to your first encounter and you broke them.

1b) Breaking the rules does not seem to bother you....wow!

2)...I quoted it above...you're looking for a way to focus on your husband's needs and (hint...maybe check on his emotion's too?), which won't make you feel like your slighting the other couple?...really? who cares about the other couple! do you care about your couple?...you know...the one you form with your husband...yes...that one!

 

Stop everything right now. Work on your relationship and help your husband rebuild his self-esteem that seems to be going down the drain slowly each time you guys play. Sorry if I'm harsh, but you seem to be an intelligent woman in a career where you take care of other human beings. Time to take care of your husband and stick to rules. Good luck!

[Guest]

There seems to be a few simple solutions here, but this is just my personal opinion.....

 

1. VIAGRA: There are actually loads of medications on the market that help people maintain a solid erection, to my knowledge there are at least 14 commonly used medications that help with erection issues.

 

Firstly its vital to understand that experiencing erection problems during threesomes and group sex is a very very regular thing especially at first, a lot of men get nervous at first until they get to know the people they are playing with. I have met 2 or 3 men in my life who have been totally unable to get an erection when faced with their first few threesome experiences.

 

My suggestion would be for your husband to see a doctor and ask about erectile dysfunction medications, the doctor will ask him if your husband is on any other medications, the doctor will asses if its safe for your husband to use and will prescribe the appropriate medication to try. I would strongly suggest your husband see's a doctor at first, after that point if the medication works / helps and you want to save the embarrassment of seeing a doctor then find a reputable pharmacy online / or in your area and order them from there.

 

I suggest trying 2 or 3 different medications over the period of a year and finding which one suits your husband the best, yes there will be some side effects, sometime headaches, blushing of the skin, but these side effects lessen after your body gets use to the medication. With my GF for example I do not have any issues at all, on the rare occasion we have a threesome I break half a Viagra pill in half and take that to ensure there are no performance issues.

 

I hope that makes sense, in other words your husband doesn't need medication everyday, but take half a Viagra pill about 30 mins before you have a threesome and it should help a lot, keeping in mind there are usually 2 different sizes of pills, 50mg and 100mg I usually buy the 100mg ones and snap them in half.

 

 

2. CHEST: You mentioned your husband has a deformity on his chest, well you could consider surgery, there are loads of surgeries that specialise in removing such things so that is an option. Things like removing moles, removing growths, are common place and it would increase your husbands confidence. If you don't wish to explore that route then simply tell your husband to wear a nice simple black shirt when you play, not many people will object to him keeping his t-shirt on.

[luvin eye full 140]

I would say stop.

 

You are clearly not able to control your self - and while i believe you love your husband you clearly don't give a shit about him or his emotions.

Other wise you would of stopped this and focused on you two. ( and you would of stopped the play time because he is more important )

and the worst part, i bet he knows it - and that's why he can not get anything going.

 

You make it sound so loving in your post about how can i help hubby - well try this - let your words also be your actions.

but i doubt you will think that or give it some thought .

[Jare1998 62]

Due to certain member's hurtful replies, I am requesting no more responses to this post. It is unnecessary to use such hateful words to convey your thoughts.

[luvin eye full 140]

LOl i think your husband feels the same way every time you "people please" some one else to his misfortune. As stated in your post.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201310/how-stop-people-pleasing this link may help you to find what can be done.

 

lastly i do apologize for making you feel bad - really - but it will not make any difference until i stop doing what hurts you - see what I'm saying.

 

and yes I'll stop now.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I've never been very good at listening to instructions...

 

Sun&Moon posted this in another thread and it seems to be applicable here as well:

 

This situation with men not been able to preform / not getting hard / feeling nervous happens an awful lot during the first 3 or 4 meets.

 

Firstly a lot of men a nervous when sleeping with a new women, the added fact that 1 or 2 other people are there watching adds even more tension.

 

When sleeping with a new women a lot of men will become nervous, will wonder if they are good enough, if their body is good enough for this new women, if their penis is big enough, they will also feel sheepish as they do not actually know what this new women likes, do I treat her softly, do I kiss her lots, do I treat her rough, does she mind me giving her oral sex, does she mind giving me oral sex, how do I begin. It takes some men 3 or 4 meets to become comfy with a new women.

 

Really is no different from when you were single and dating, how many times have you dated a new man and for the first few attempts he was terrible, he fumbled around, he came really quickly, failed to get hard. Even with just 1 man and 1 women in a normal dating situation this stuff happens to some men at first. I'm a man and it has happened to me before, in my experience if I meet a totally new women and end up sleeping with her I can sometimes be nervous at first, unsure what she likes, where if I meet a women I already kind of know well then its a little easier but still it takes 3 or 4 meets to get into the swing of things.

 

Secondly I think where swinging it concerned a lot of men become nervous because their girlfriend or wife is there, that sure they want to sleep with this new women, they want to have sex but kind of fear they will get told off for it by their wife or girlfriend, that they will have sex with this new women then several hours after the meet they will get in trouble from their own wife or girlfriend. In a lot of cases a couple will have group sex seeing the husband of the couple enjoy a new women then a day or two later his own girlfriend or wife becomes very jealous about the situation and unleashes hell, sometimes a man needs 3 or 4 attempts before he knows his own girlfriend or wife is comfy with the situation.

 

Thirdly another man been present can effect some men, for example if you meet a man who has a much better body than your boyfriend or husband, that you meet another man who has a better body, bigger muscles, bigger penis, better sex drive, better paid job, more hobbies in common with the women then sure it can suddenly effect a man. Some men don't even like been naked near another man let alone letting a fitter, sexier, better hung man sleep with your wife or girlfriend in front of their eyes.

 

I think the main point is there is a lot of reasons this can happen and sometimes it will become a lot better and easier if you meet the man 3 or 4 times and let his nerves settle.

 

It can be hard (no pun intended) for a man to perform under these conditions and once it happens the first time it only becomes a bigger (once again, no pun) problem because it now becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Luckily there are pills for this and they come highly recommended or you can just start playing together at first, then the other wife joins in, then you can step aside once he doesn't need you to assist.

 

I am not good at setting boundaries with people, I am definitely a people pleaser. I let the other person take the lead and not bother to stop them when we are crossing boundaries. It's an issue I need to work on but I realize that this is causing my husband a lot of issues with his trust and self esteem.

 

Since you already know this, you need to be more aware of it. Also, the other couple should have already been made aware of your limits and boundaries and NOT be exceeding them. Once we have been told of another couples limits, we honor them and don't pass go, don't collect $200 (Monopoly reference in care you don't get it). If they know your limits and you know your limits, then your husband doesn't need to worry if you will go past your limits in a moment of passion. He needs to be able to trust you here. Love/trust/communicate: you need all three to be successful.

 

Can anyone else relate?

 

Yes. This is a very common problem. He needs to know this as well. Work together and it can be overcome (sometimes with the help of modern medicine). It will be okay.

 

How do I get from being a people pleaser to focusing on my husbands needs without feeling like I'm slighting the other couple by wanting to move slower and give my hubby a chance to enjoy things

 

Get everyone on the same page and they need to understand your limits and respect them. This will also probably make things easier for your husband since he won't be worrying about you going too fast or too far. It's not just you needing to obey the rules, everyone should know what they are and keep to them. Good luck and remember to give us an update.