getting the wife to talk

[CandDinCo 69]

My wife and I have explored the lifestyle a bit with friends we trust. Mostly so she can satisfy her bi side, although full swap has happened too.

 

My problem is that I can't get her to talk to me about things. She won't tell me before we get together with the other couple 8f she has playing on her mind . More importantly, she won't talk about things after. She will just say "it was good" or "I had fun" but will go silent if I try to ask for details.

 

I feel we should be able to talk about what we liked, or didnt, Mostly I want to talk about any feelings and insecurities. I believe not having that out in the open is a recipe for disaster.

 

Any suggestions on how to get her to open up?

[JandKinBoise 858]

I experienced this with my wife as well. After several events, she started to open up slowly with my prodding. She had been hesitant to bring up specific things in consideration for my feelings. She assumed if she talked about how good she was fucked, I'd be all butt hurt. Once she knew I was just interested in her pleasure and experience and was OK with it, she got a little better. I think some folks just aren't wired to talk about this stuff.

[EastInWest 1,524]

We had the opposite situation, in that getting Mrs. E talking came first by a mile. She came from a background where those things weren't discussed, and a lot of what people do in private came as a (pleasant) shock to her. Sometimes it still does. I agree with you that her communication and openness is important.

 

JandKinBoise might be right on target that she's not sure she can talk to you, but she also might just be embarrassed for her own sake. There's strong socialization, especially in certain places and certain generations, that good women simply are not interested in those things and are supposed to be the gatekeepers to restrain those desires in men.

 

Mrs. E always felt that this was a horrible deal and it was easy to get her talking about her moral frustrations, but not so easy to get her doing because when you're a tall blond with big breasts surrounded by teenage boys, the proverbial Sister Mary Katherine will really single you out for the most dire warnings. Maybe the situation here is reversed, that she's comfortable doing because you're taking the lead, but still has a hard time talking if the desires are all novel to her.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Communication leads to more trust which leads to greater love which finally leads back to better communication. Work on reassuring her that whatever she says is going to be fine...great even. Don't judge or down play or be shocked over anything she may say. Let her know that EVERYTHING is good. Women especially have been taught that they shouldn't talk about sex, especially sex with someone other than their SO. All too often they are labelled as sluts and whores if they have sex with too many people or enjoy it too much. It's a natural obstacle for them (while men are only really allowed to talk about sex in the context of how many and how great it was...double standard for sure). You also need to do the same. Open up and tell her your fantasies and fears, it may help her to do the same. As my signature says 'when you don’t have to lie about sex, you don’t have to lie about anything'.

[luvin eye full 140]

It's great to see couples trying to talk and open up -

 

So the advice from others is true, but i would try a diffrent way if that does not help.

 

1st talk when you have had a few days after the event - this gives time to process ( for her ) the whole thing.

Also while you want details your 1st problem is the "why" she does not talk about playing that much.

 

this could be a boundary or a feeling of ( what ever it may be )

 

So try this - bring up the why and fix that if you can before trying for details.

 

So my long winded explanation i would say some thing to the effect like

 

Hey honey i was thinking about our play times and you know i'd love to here your thoughts on it,

Then i realized you don't like to talk about it as much as i do - and that got me wondering why is that ? you know i don't want to put you into something you feel you can not say no to. ( use your own words lol )

 

Then in your our words continue the conversation to where ever it may lead. don't try for details what you are doing is showing you care for your wife, building trust and communication. all things that will lead you to the eventual talking on details.

you need to reassure her in the way you normally do that what ever the problem is that stops her opening up is ok and you are not her judge but her partner in this.

 

Al this may take time but i think it will help.

 

keep us updated and good luck to both of you.

[CandDinCo 69]

It's great to see couples trying to talk and open up -

 

So the advice from others is true, but i would try a diffrent way if that does not help.

 

1st talk when you have had a few days after the event - this gives time to process ( for her ) the whole thing.

Also while you want details your 1st problem is the "why" she does not talk about playing that much.

 

this could be a boundary or a feeling of ( what ever it may be )

 

So try this - bring up the why and fix that if you can before trying for details.

 

So my long winded explanation i would say some thing to the effect like

 

Hey honey i was thinking about our play times and you know i'd love to here your thoughts on it,

Then i realized you don't like to talk about it as much as i do - and that got me wondering why is that ? you know i don't want to put you into something you feel you can not say no to. ( use your own words lol )

 

Then in your our words continue the conversation to where ever it may lead. don't try for details what you are doing is showing you care for your wife, building trust and communication. all things that will lead you to the eventual talking on details.

you need to reassure her in the way you normally do that what ever the problem is that stops her opening up is ok and you are not her judge but her partner in this.

 

Al this may take time but i think it will help.

 

keep us updated and good luck to both of you.

 

Thank you. A lot of wisdom there. I agree. Why seems to be the issue. Will give your approach a try and keep you posted.

[Guest]

To be honest this has also been one of my biggest problems / frustrations over the years.

 

The story of my swinging life seems to be....

 

I meet a new women and begin dating, after a while I approach them in a very honest calm and open way and explain my desires to explore group sex, and explain to them how I'd love it to be a team experience, that its something I'd love us to explore together, something that I'd almost class as a hobby or fun sexual pastime for us to explore as a couple.

 

I take the time to honestly answer any questions, I take the time to explain my desires and reasons and usually the women takes it really well, usually they say something like....

 

"Wow that sounds really cool, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun, yeah I'd defiantly give that a try"

 

They have a really positive first impression which always makes me happy and excited about the future, and usually over the next few days they have further questions regarding the subject which I perhaps cause by talking about the subject more.

 

BUT THEN after that initial interest ALL GOES QUIET!!!!

 

That basically.

 

- The women never gets interested in this subject

- Never speaks about this subject

- Gets bored if I bring it up in conversation

- Never helps with arranging meetings

- Never gets involved at all really

- Leaves the entire thing up to me

 

Then after a while we end up playing with someone, usually a MMF situation to begin with which usually goes really well, the women I'm dating enjoys the company of two men, she has several orgasms, she is excited, happy, highly aroused and we try a lot of fun things, after which we briefly talk about what happened, usually the day after we have a chat about what we thought which is usually positive.

 

BUT THEN all goes totally quiet again.

 

That actually unless I bring up the subject of group sex again the women probably would not mention it ever again, and each time I do bring up the subject its a up hill struggle, that they just don't seem that interested in this subject at all, they let out simple annoying one word answers, they don't seem interested in communicating about this subject at all, that the team mate I hoped for isn't there.

 

It's almost like they say.....

 

 

"Wow yeah we can do that, wow it sounds loads of fun, yeah I'd be happy exploring group sex"

 

"Wow we had our first few experiences together and it went really well, it was loads of fun"

 

"AND NOW WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT ANYMORE"

 

 

They go totally quiet, they show no interest in the subject AT ALL, and yeah its always left me feeling very frustrated and alone in this lifestyle.

 

I think what annoys me the most is that such women never have any alternative suggestions, that if I ask them...

 

"So you don't want to speak about group sex, you don't seem that connected to that idea at all, so what would you like us to do as a couple?"

 

They stare at you almost blankly and have no idea, about the best answers I get is:

 

A) Watch TV

B) Walk in the park

 

They could say....

 

- Lets learn a sport together

- Lets get into gaming together

- Lets take up a new hobby together

- Lets hit the gym together

- Lets set up our own small business from home

- Lets go camping

- Lets save up for something nice

- Lets do some study together

- Lets take up self defence classes together

- Lets design a new garden together

 

Instead there best answer seems to be "Lets watch TV"

 

I say that group sex / swinging is a fun exciting social activity that we can explore together as a couple, as a team, that it helps bring us fun excitement and new company, that it could be a great pastime for us as a couple but they just don't seem interested, when I ask for alternative ideas they either stick their face in a phone or laptop or flick the TV on none of which are a good couples activity.

 

It does upset me that in my experience a women will sit watching TV programs for 10 hours straight, but they can not speak about group sex for even 10 minutes, that sure most women today get a smart phone and will spend hours and hours looking on line, surfing the internet, looking on Face Book, they will spend half the day with their head in a phone but can not speak about this subject for even 5 minutes.

 

 

WHAT I HAVE FOUND OVER THE YEARS IS.

 

1. TAKING OVER: Women do not like speaking about this subject much because they fear it's TAKING OVER, that they are happy enough to take part when it happens but do NOT want to speak about it all the time, they prefer to focus on normal everyday things, that sure they will play with others, they will explore group sex, but really they want to talk about their friends, their family, their pets, their shopping, their work issues because they do not want group sex to dominate their lives or relationship.

 

2. DIRTY: I also think that a lot of women see talking about sex as been dirty, that the old fashioned role of a women is to wait until a man approaches them, that the "Old Fashioned" way is that a women should have sex because of LOVE. That from a very young age women are taught that they will grow up, meet a nice man, fall in love, get married, and have children. They are pre-programmed into this way of life, they are programmed that they will grow up and meet someone they love where actually just speaking about a raw sex goes against that programming and messes with their minds. That basically speaking about sex makes them feel like a slut, like they are a dirty person.

 

3. ROMANCE: I also find that a lot of women are trapped in very romantic notions about sex, that in love stories and romantic films we see two people meeting, we see two people sharing this extraordinary journey, we see two lovers walking along a sun set beach, we see how suddenly the time felt right and they fall into each others arms, that spontaneously they decided to make love, that I think a lot of women want sex to be spontaneous / natural / they just want it to happen when the time feels right, like magic. But actually talking about sexual subject feels like "Planning Sex" and it takes away all of that spontaneous magical romantic feeling, that planning who we meet, where we meet, when we meet all makes it seem like a dirty sleazy sex encounter.

 

 

OVERALL.

 

I think us men think about SEX a lot more than women, that whilst we are thinking about sex women are thinking about other things such as friends, family, children, work. Whilst us men are happy to speak about sex all day long, women would rather have sex when it happens and speak about other things the rest of the time.

 

But yes it is highly stressful and frustrating to not have a proper team mate, to be with someone who NEVER speaks about this subject.

 

It actually pisses me off because sure a women will rant at me for 2 hours solid about her family, about her pets, about her job, but then they can not speak with me about this subject for more than 5 minutes. That I am suppose to sit there and listen to them rant on for several hours and am suppose to listen, suppose to give answers, suppose to give support and advice, but then I speak about this subject and all I get is one line answers like.

 

"Yeah whatever"

 

"Yeah okay"

 

"I don't really have an opinion"

 

Then the conversation is over within 4 minutes of it starting.

[Wornsilver 219]

To CandDinCo--My first thought was that your wife may be an introvert or "internal processor." In one definition, an introvert requires alone time to recharge batteries while an extrovert gains energy from other people. The "internal processor" (I am on the extreme end of this curve) does not "talk about things." Yes, I'll talk about a decision...after it is made. But talking about something or about a decision sort of interferes with my ability to process it. Maybe she needs more time to process; maybe she is ok with it but not really that interested.

 

For example, I could go to (pick something here, a sport/hobby/activity) a frisbee golf (FOLF?) match, have a good time, enjoy myself in the great out of doors (I tried to pick something that is not gender specific), but never talk about it because it just doesn't trip my trigger. Maybe she really, really loves the intimacy, closeness, security and rewards of sex with you, but group sex doesn't "trip her trigger."

 

There is so much psycho-babble and California-style blurring of the sexes ("We are not going to put the baby's sex on the birth certificate, we will allow the baby to select gender when they grow up") but IMHO women are wired differently than men. They have different bodies (not just the naughty bits), a different cocktail of hormones rushing through their bodies and when they are pregnant, their chemistry is almost a third sex! Why shouldn't they approach talking about a sexual hobby differently?

 

To Sun&Moon--sounds like you have tried several versions of GF or wife, but your selection process might be flawed? You seem to encourage participation in a team sport with non-team players? Good luck with that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

In addition to what luvin eye full said I would also start out the conversation with how sexy and hot she was the 'other night' and how lucky you are to have her and are doing this together, but at some point mention that SHE is and always will be more important than this and she is in charge of if it happens again or not. She needs to know that this is still a team sport but it's still a hobby while she is a lifetime.

[CandDinCo 69]

We had a chance to talk last night. Actually went really well. Turns out,the reason for the silence was due to her being afraid of hurting my feelings. Ironic, because I was trying to get her to open up about hers. Seems we were both worried the other.

 

A little background. Years ago the wife had curiosity about other women. The opportunity came when a lady friend came on to her. I was there and encouraged her to go for it. Over months it developed into a few foursomes so the husbands wouldn't feel left out.

 

Flash forward 10 years. I still support her being with other women to satisfy her bi side. I can't satisfy it. I don't have the anatomy for it. Unicorns are rare so most of that satisfaction comes from foursomes.and that is where we are now.

 

Like I said, my frustration was that she wouldn't talk about it. She would just go along. Last night when we talked she revealed that one her reasons for doing it was to make me happy. And here I am doing it to make her happy. We both enjoy it anyway. So with that out in the open, we can just do it just because it's fun.

 

She agreed to try to be more open about her feelings toward sex. The only thing she still wants to hold back is her fantasies. She thinks I will be freaked out by how weird they are. That just makes me more interested to hear them. Oh well. One step at a time.

 

In summery, I think we took a big step forward in our relationship. Time will tell for sure..

 

Thanks for everyone's help

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

[firebird09 37]

To be honest this has also been one of my biggest problems / frustrations over the years.

 

The story of my swinging life seems to be....

 

I meet a new women and begin dating, after a while I approach them in a very honest calm and open way and explain my desires to explore group sex, and explain to them how I'd love it to be a team experience, that its something I'd love us to explore together, something that I'd almost class as a hobby or fun sexual pastime for us to explore as a couple.

 

I take the time to honestly answer any questions, I take the time to explain my desires and reasons and usually the women takes it really well, usually they say something like....

 

"Wow that sounds really cool, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun, yeah I'd defiantly give that a try"

 

They have a really positive first impression which always makes me happy and excited about the future, and usually over the next few days they have further questions regarding the subject which I perhaps cause by talking about the subject more.

 

BUT THEN after that initial interest ALL GOES QUIET!!!!

 

That basically.

 

- The women never gets interested in this subject

- Never speaks about this subject

- Gets bored if I bring it up in conversation

- Never helps with arranging meetings

- Never gets involved at all really

- Leaves the entire thing up to me

 

Then after a while we end up playing with someone, usually a MMF situation to begin with which usually goes really well, the women I'm dating enjoys the company of two men, she has several orgasms, she is excited, happy, highly aroused and we try a lot of fun things, after which we briefly talk about what happened, usually the day after we have a chat about what we thought which is usually positive.

 

BUT THEN all goes totally quiet again.

 

That actually unless I bring up the subject of group sex again the women probably would not mention it ever again, and each time I do bring up the subject its a up hill struggle, that they just don't seem that interested in this subject at all, they let out simple annoying one word answers, they don't seem interested in communicating about this subject at all, that the team mate I hoped for isn't there.

 

It's almost like they say.....

 

 

"Wow yeah we can do that, wow it sounds loads of fun, yeah I'd be happy exploring group sex"

 

"Wow we had our first few experiences together and it went really well, it was loads of fun"

 

"AND NOW WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT ANYMORE"

 

 

They go totally quiet, they show no interest in the subject AT ALL, and yeah its always left me feeling very frustrated and alone in this lifestyle.

 

I think what annoys me the most is that such women never have any alternative suggestions, that if I ask them...

 

"So you don't want to speak about group sex, you don't seem that connected to that idea at all, so what would you like us to do as a couple?"

 

They stare at you almost blankly and have no idea, about the best answers I get is:

 

A) Watch TV

B) Walk in the park

 

They could say....

 

- Lets learn a sport together

- Lets get into gaming together

- Lets take up a new hobby together

- Lets hit the gym together

- Lets set up our own small business from home

- Lets go camping

- Lets save up for something nice

- Lets do some study together

- Lets take up self defence classes together

- Lets design a new garden together

 

Instead there best answer seems to be "Lets watch TV"

 

I say that group sex / swinging is a fun exciting social activity that we can explore together as a couple, as a team, that it helps bring us fun excitement and new company, that it could be a great pastime for us as a couple but they just don't seem interested, when I ask for alternative ideas they either stick their face in a phone or laptop or flick the TV on none of which are a good couples activity.

 

It does upset me that in my experience a women will sit watching TV programs for 10 hours straight, but they can not speak about group sex for even 10 minutes, that sure most women today get a smart phone and will spend hours and hours looking on line, surfing the internet, looking on Face Book, they will spend half the day with their head in a phone but can not speak about this subject for even 5 minutes.

 

 

WHAT I HAVE FOUND OVER THE YEARS IS.

 

1. TAKING OVER: Women do not like speaking about this subject much because they fear it's TAKING OVER, that they are happy enough to take part when it happens but do NOT want to speak about it all the time, they prefer to focus on normal everyday things, that sure they will play with others, they will explore group sex, but really they want to talk about their friends, their family, their pets, their shopping, their work issues because they do not want group sex to dominate their lives or relationship.

 

2. DIRTY: I also think that a lot of women see talking about sex as been dirty, that the old fashioned role of a women is to wait until a man approaches them, that the "Old Fashioned" way is that a women should have sex because of LOVE. That from a very young age women are taught that they will grow up, meet a nice man, fall in love, get married, and have children. They are pre-programmed into this way of life, they are programmed that they will grow up and meet someone they love where actually just speaking about a raw sex goes against that programming and messes with their minds. That basically speaking about sex makes them feel like a slut, like they are a dirty person.

 

3. ROMANCE: I also find that a lot of women are trapped in very romantic notions about sex, that in love stories and romantic films we see two people meeting, we see two people sharing this extraordinary journey, we see two lovers walking along a sun set beach, we see how suddenly the time felt right and they fall into each others arms, that spontaneously they decided to make love, that I think a lot of women want sex to be spontaneous / natural / they just want it to happen when the time feels right, like magic. But actually talking about sexual subject feels like "Planning Sex" and it takes away all of that spontaneous magical romantic feeling, that planning who we meet, where we meet, when we meet all makes it seem like a dirty sleazy sex encounter.

 

 

OVERALL.

 

I think us men think about SEX a lot more than women, that whilst we are thinking about sex women are thinking about other things such as friends, family, children, work. Whilst us men are happy to speak about sex all day long, women would rather have sex when it happens and speak about other things the rest of the time.

 

But yes it is highly stressful and frustrating to not have a proper team mate, to be with someone who NEVER speaks about this subject.

 

It actually pisses me off because sure a women will rant at me for 2 hours solid about her family, about her pets, about her job, but then they can not speak with me about this subject for more than 5 minutes. That I am suppose to sit there and listen to them rant on for several hours and am suppose to listen, suppose to give answers, suppose to give support and advice, but then I speak about this subject and all I get is one line answers like.

 

"Yeah whatever"

 

"Yeah okay"

 

"I don't really have an opinion"

 

 

 

Then the conversation is over within 4 minutes of it starting.

\

 

So maybe its you. Perhaps there is more to life than group sex. I can tell you are the kind of guy that every woman dreams about especially when all you think about is other women.