Who knows you're a swinger?

[CassieNineTales 26]

This is a personal question so I dont know how many responses I'll get to it. Who knows about your lifestyle? Parents? Friends? No one? Are you hush-hush about it or do you not care who knows?

[EastInWest 1,524]

Some of my exes or former friends with benefits might have inferred I'd be open to it. Beyond that, really just our few play partners.

[Guest]

In my personal opinion the only people who should know about your sexual lifestyle is YOU and the people you play with.

 

I would NOT let friends / family members / work mates know about your sexual life.

 

There are to many risks attached to letting people know about your sexual life.

 

Perhaps the key thing to remember here is that people WILL / DO react very differently indeed to this subject, for example you will tell one person and they might say it sounds cool, it sounds fun, it sounds exciting, then you tell another person and they might react very badly, they might class you as a pervert, freak, sexual dirty person, they might break off the friendship with you, might tell other people, might morally attack you regarding your choices, might beat you to death with a Bible.

 

People reactions are very very different to this subject, some people are afraid of this subject, for example you decide to tell your friends and suddenly your friends are thinking:

 

- Does that mean they want group sex with me?

- Does that mean they are going to try and steal my wife?

- Does that mean they are going to try and steal my husband?

 

- The safest thing is if I don't let my wife / husband hang around with them anymore.

 

Some people will imagine that because you like group sex you will try and steal their partner away or will ask their partner for group sex.

 

If this information falls into the wrong hands then it can spread like a wild fire.

 

Please imagine you tell a friend about your sexual exploits, for some reason that friend tells other people what you have said and shortly after that information reaches your work place / your children's school / the local child protection agencies / your neighbours / your landlord / your family members / the local church / ect.

 

 

Letting people know about your sexual lifestyle can come back and bite you very badly indeed.

 

You even have to consider your own relationship, for example the relationship your in now might be great BUT what happens if it goes wrong?

 

If you suddenly find yourself facing a divorce / divorce legal actions then your ex partner might throw all of this against you in court, how YOU instigated some dirty devious sexual plans that broke the bonds of your marriage and they have 5 different witnesses that can confirm your a sexual deviant.

 

Just my own personal opinion but letting people know about your lifestyle always seems like a really bad idea to me.

[CassieNineTales 26]

I am going to agree with you, I think it is a very personal thing. It's so sad that it's viewed so negatively. =/

[Guest]

We try to keep it hush hush but we have one male friend that we brought into it with us, MFM. But, we went on a nude cruise and bumped into a guy (gay) who hangs with another guy who runs is part of a larger, informal group of us who are similar in age and all go to the same bars/clubs dancing on Friday or Saturday nights so I highly suspect that they don’t know we’re swingers, they have at least seen some photos of of sunning nude on the deck of the ship or wearing very revealing club wear in the evenings. Hasn’t really been a problem at all though.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

A few friends (most of whom who are either swingers or kinksters themselves). We have a parent knows we're poly.

 

Beyond that, as sex isn't something one generally discusses in casual circles, it just isn't something we discuss. I actually wish we could... the last time we openly discussed our lifestyle with friends, it turned out we had a lot more in common with our entire immediate circle of friends than we'd thought. Got a nice friend-with-benefits out of that for a year or so.

[Scaredstiff 129]

All of our friends openly discuss sex , we just silently sit there desperately holding it all in, we always have a good laugh about it later though, one of our female friends openly flirts with my wife because she would like to experiment , so maybe she's picked up a vibe or something we let slip once but we would never openly tell her about our secret life

[Guest]

Is it really any different than hetero promiscuity? Certainly, in high school, most of us were having intercourse but to one another, we girls all denied it. Even in my 30’s, we girls would go out to clubs, together, get picked up sometimes individually, do the walk of shame home the next morning but tell our girlfriends, oh no, I cabbed home late at night and slept in. As ladies, we hardly boast that we are being promiscuous, one way or another.

[PSULioness 859]

At first it was some girls I knew in college and their friends. I had told my fiancé and at first he was angry. At the time nobody else in our everyday life knew. My college friends live hours away, so nobody near us knew. We have since married and my husband has brought his best friend, who was his best man into our swinging life. At first I was very hesitant but I was the one who started us in this. I was honest with my husband about not wanting our friend in our bed. I said I was more interested in the women who have joined us. He said I never pushed a guy away. We have since had a few mfm threesomes with our friend. I was surprised my husband wanted this.

As far as I know he is the only one in our everyday life who knows.

[njbm 2,880]

Only our lifestyle friends. Why risk criticism? Most people would be shocked and dismayed. Not a well understood hobby.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

IF we both didn't work somewhere where this knowledge wouldn't potentially threaten our careers and it was socially acceptable to talk about sex to other couples in public (and we think it's kind of stupid that both things are true), we most likely still wouldn't say anything since it's none of their business. Family certainly doesn't want to know (do you want to know what your parents are doing for sex?) and friends, while they MIGHT like to know (but certainly don't want you knowing what they are doing for sex) might end up being shocked to the point of not wanting to be around you anymore because it is so outside of their comfort zone (and this could be any sexual practice not just swinging).

 

Until everyone is comfortable with sex and their own sexuality, this won't be a problem. We keep it to ourselves but if someone specifically asks us we would most likely tell them (unless it was someone we are working for...then we have no idea what they are talking about )

[JandKinBoise 858]

No one. Although I found it amusing that before we were having group sex, most of our friends assumed we were. After we started, that opinion either changed or for some reason they stopped commenting. They probably figure at this point we're too old to be worrying about trivial stuff like sex.

[Wornsilver 219]

"Too old!" Some of us find that amusing, since I have been described as "Older than Chinese dirt."

[2NoLimit 95]

I hope no one finds out. Although once our kids get older and start telling us how boring we are, I would be inclined to tell them, just to see there jaws drop LOL.

[Erik13 157]

We have told some of our good friends. Most if not all have been very supportive and interested in hearing the stories. The ones that don't seem interested, we don't talk about it around them. None have gotten weird thinking we would try to include them...they're such good friends we wouldn't.

[laitauchoco 15]

We find it exciting the fact that it is our best kept secret..A couple's sexuality must remain private according to us or shared only with people you play with.

 

You never know In which ears what you say will land...

[findinganswers 369]

Of course our friends know, they are the ones we play with.

[SAMnTINA 362]

Our kids know and have know since High School, for the most part it made our house a don't ask because they will tell and thats just TMI. Now that they are all grown and out of the house we know they won't just drop in without calling.

 

PS Our married kids keep telling us we are the normal parents who would of thought.

[Numex 2,420]

Only the people we share sex with know. And also my wife's past lovers because she told them straight out that she always had more than one guy going.

[KevandPam1971 18]

Her kids know, wife's brother and one cousin knows. My sister's best friend in school knows(have seen her at one of the local clubs) I know a couple of my cousins are interested in the lifestyle.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I guess it IS hereditary...

[pilote 20]

...the only people that know are my other lifestyle friends...i keep lifestyle play info out of my regular/professional life.

[Tncuple 21]

We were playing with a new couple once in their house, we were all naked on their king sized bed when we heard a door open, I started to jump up but female half that I was buried in said "relax, that's just Christy our daughter". The girl, 15 years old, stuck her head in the door and said "Mom, Dad, I'm home" then she went into her bedroom and we didn't see her anymore. We were totally surprised and it kind of ruined the mood for me. They said she knows what they do and doesn't mind.

 

We agreed right then to never play at someone's house.

[ray12 17]

some close friends know...small group from college back in the day...couple of our cousins know...but to me u don't need to tell everyone your lifestyle...only ones u can trust is all

[PeterJ 955]

We were playing with a new couple once in their house, we were all naked on their king sized bed when we heard a door open, I started to jump up but female half that I was buried in said "relax, that's just Christy our daughter". The girl, 15 years old, stuck her head in the door and said "Mom, Dad, I'm home" then she went into her bedroom and we didn't see her anymore. We were totally surprised and it kind of ruined the mood for me. They said she knows what they do and doesn't mind.

 

We agreed right then to never play at someone's house.

 

A number of my friends in the lifestyle are out to adult family and select close vanilla friends, and I applaud that. (Among the vanilla people in my life only my wife - who many years ago when we were married to other people was my first lifestyle partner - and one close friend know about my involvement, though I've become social, friends with a number of folks I've met through the lifestyle.)

 

My graduate training was in clinical psych. My opinion is that pre-adolescent and adolescent children should be shielded from explicit knowledge of their parents' sex lives, whatever they are. For most (perhaps not all) children seeing their parents nude in bed with another couple would add to the burden of redefining the parent/child relationship in an adult context.

 

In the case of friendships that are long term and perhaps with some poly aspects, I believe it would be appropriate for parents to let their children know that this other person/couple is special in their lives.

[Fundamental Law 2,887]

This question surfaces at this board with some regularity. Some insights.

 

1. The question of what is appropriate for kids really depends on the family dynamic generally about bodies and physiology. Some families are comfortable with casual nudity, discussion about assorted physiologic functions and so on. If sex is part of age-appropriate conversation, then sex partners will be part of age appropriate conversation. Eventually the question may come up whether mom and dad have consensual sex with others. Decide in advance whether you will answer or you will dodge. There is some likelihood you will eventually be asked. Bear in mind, kids think of parental sex as "Ewwww". What matters to kids is that their parents are happy and the marriage is secure. We grew up with parents having affairs leading to divorces. Our child has grown up with her parents together for > four decades, yet having 'special' friends. She has plenty of friends with the parents-who-divorced phenotype and is MUCH happier that we are still together.

 

2. Non-immediate family have no need-to-know. Say what you choose, but remember information can never be taken back. Once you're out, you're out. There are ways to provide accurate yet indirect responses to questions.

 

3. Friends are something else again. There are again matters of trust. A few friends know, obviously those in the LS, others who have been in the LS, and a very trusted few who want to know why we come back from some of our vacations a lot happier than so many others.

 

4. Keep private lives out of the workplace.

 

There is one community that NEEDS to know: your healthcare team. The lifestyle has its own issues and risks.

[pilote 20]

We were playing with a new couple once in their house, we were all naked on their king sized bed when we heard a door open, I started to jump up but female half that I was buried in said "relax, that's just Christy our daughter". The girl, 15 years old, stuck her head in the door and said "Mom, Dad, I'm home" then she went into her bedroom and we didn't see her anymore. We were totally surprised and it kind of ruined the mood for me. They said she knows what they do and doesn't mind.

 

We agreed right then to never play at someone's house.

 

holy crap; THAT IS DISTURBING...i would not want to play in that situation...teens absolutely should not be seeing swinging activity; it's just way too young...worse case, word gets around and the couple (and "guests"?) would have major issues...

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Beyond our lifestyle friends obviously, then just one person - a girlfriend of Mrs cplnuswing. Once the secret was revealed, she was interested in the subject without prying, and said the idea sounded great, but she thought she might have jealousy issues herself and knew for a fact that the type of guys she seems drawn to could never do it. Her basic attitude on life is that life is short, so enjoy it, and if something works for you, then more power to you, doesn't matter what others might think or if it isn't what works for them.

 

We don't see her together that often, but ever since that day, I've always tried to detect if there seemed to be any difference in how she looks at us. Not the slightest bit, which is why she always was and still is my favorite of Mrs. cplnuswing's friends.

[MarniJohn 172]

Our adult children know that we go to a swing club. We tell them it's just a warm environment where older (over 35) couples can go and be themselves. We tell them we have dinner, drinks, dance and go home. We do have many friends there but we use is like any other type of club. We explain that we love to dance and tried some of the local clubs (Miami) but felt too old and out of place. We don't discuss sex with them. We told them there is a back room for people who are looking for that but we don't know anyone who goes back there. LOL

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

My wife's parents know, they were also swingers, before her mom passed away. Her daughter knows. Her son and many of our friends probable assume we are, because we go to HEDO II every year. One of her male cousins and his wife know, they are also swingers as well. Her (female) first cousin knows. I'm not sure about the rest of my family. Being the "black sheep" of the family, think they just try not to think about it.

[dan63 106]

My wife and I are in a very unfortunate situation that in this particular case is a positive in that neither one of us has any immediate family living other than our adult children, and they know what we do, but no details of it. As far as friends go, I think each of us has told one and only one trusted friend each. Honestly, since we have been in the LS it has developed that most of our friends also are in the LS. You tend to gravitate to people who think like you do.

 

For some people it is concerns about their job and I can certainly understand this. A person with a high public profile job would have to be super cautious. Again, neither one of us has a job that would likely be affected if word of our extracurricular activities got out.

 

Like Fundamental Law said, letting your health care provider know about anything that could affect your health is very important. My wife and I share the same Dr. and we have told her what we do. Her main concern was that we always use condoms and that we get a blood test a couple times a year. Not a problem.

 

Finally, I guess it is my/our personality to really not give a Fuck what someone thinks about what we are doing as long as we know we are doing nothing wrong. We live our life to take care of business and then have fun. If someone doesn't like it....Fuck'em.

[afterwork 89]

ONLY those that we swing with..... Vanilla friends have indeed become swingers, but it was a long, long time evolving into that and that was something we "let" them suggest. We just don't need the drama that can come from being caught in the TMI approach.

[magnum 78]

I have told only one other person...Hind sight, I probably should NOT have told her...

[Travelcpl 20]

I have told only one other person...Hind sight, I probably should NOT have told her...

 

Same here. Except it was a guy. Should NOT have told him. Only other lifestyle people should know.

[1XcellentXtra4U 29]

I've told a few friends about some encounters. Maybe they think it was a random thing I did or maybe they consider me "swinger". Who knows...I use to worry about it but after telling my close friends it got me thinking that maybe they're interested and I will be the go to. Or they laugh behind my back ?

[Guest]

We keep it private by choice. Like it has been pointed out...there are a million things that can go wrong vs the potential freedom of sharing the secret. There are people that know and only because of fortunate as well as unfortunate coincidences. I have been caught by my ex-husband and his wife. I don't want to tell the whole long story, but they showed up at our house during a party. That was very embarrassing at the time. The other situation, that we had discussed and confronted when we started in the lifestyle, was what if we run into someone we know? We rightfully concluded that it wouldn't be a problem...they were doing it too. Therefore a shared secret. This happened twice. Once at the Club Trapeze. I was on a bed, getting fucked like a doggy, and oops, here comes my Cousin and her husband. That ended in laughs, a shared secret, and us swapping with them a couple times. The other time was at one of our parties. A couple we new had invited a new couple to the party, and after feeling like I knew the guy, we talked, and it turned out I went to high school with him. He was a senior, I was a sophomore and he thought I was hot. The irony was that we attended a Catholic School. He got his fantasy lay that night.

[Guest]

My brother in law knows, he walked in on us when we were using him mom’s empty house (cellar) as a bit of a dungeon. There was a group of us who all went to the same night club for dance and entertainment, they found out when one of them happened to be on the same nude cruise that we went on. Other than that, just the people we play with.

[Coffee 2]

Come across this forum  this afternoon and thought I stick my ore into this conversation.

 

I am fairly new to swinging but don't get what is the big deal if people know you sleep around, it is something I don't brag about but there again I do not keep it a secret.

 

I do not see it as any different then being gay or transgender.

[Fundamental Law 2,887]

1 hour ago, Coffee said:

 

 

I am fairly new to swinging but don't get what is the big deal if people know you sleep around, it is something I don't brag about but there again I do not keep it a secret.

 

 

It may make a difference if you are single or in a committed relationship or married. It may make a difference depending on your employment and the contract language. It may make a difference if you are in a managerial position. Most in the LS have taken an approach of discretion. 

[njbm 2,880]

Not something we need people to know. We only discuss with other swingers. And nudists. We don’t think the average vanilla couple understands it, so we just don’t go there. 

[adamgunn 1,460]

Coffee, those of us of a certain year are simply more cautious about letting the cat out of the bag. The younger generation has less of a hang up about other people knowing what they do. In a wa, it's better, I think, that you don't have the hang ups we do. But we do have our hang ups.

 

 

[Idahocouple6969 294]

My wife told a girl she went to college with who is a hippie LoL. That's the only person that knows. We live in a small town in an extremely conservative state so we usually play in a larger town. Our kids are grown. So when we go to different functions, they refer to it as mom and dad's cult meetings. Daughter is a CCU nurse and when covid-19 broke out she sent me a text saying "No more cult meetings for awhile, ok? Be safe". We have some really good friends in the LS and some really good vanilla friends and we have both over to the house..... just not at the same time.  

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

Practically everyone knows or suspects. My wife's mother (may she rest in peace) and her stepfather were swingers. My wife's daughter (not mine) is bi-sexual and a swinger. Wife's cousins, several of them are. We have been to HEDO 20 times, and have always told people about it. Against others advice we have swang with friends, and never had an issue.

 

My parents, when I was young, would get together with the neighbors and play a game called "under the blanket" One woman would go under a blanket in the middle of the floor and everyone else would choose a piece of clothing to had out. At the beginning it would always be panties and the woman would keep handing out various pieces until she was naked. They thought they would get smart and had out panties first. The goal was to get her naked, so the people would change which piece of clothing. Parents didn't know us kids were watching. This was in the 50s

[padoc 1,703]

My best friend since high school knows so does my oldest daughter and her husband, one of my work colleagues knows (we ran into him and his wife at a swingers m&g) and Im next to certain both next door neighbors suspect. That may have had something to do with a 2 couple pool party we had last fall.

 

Mrs Doc's former neighbor knows and is VERY curious as does a good friend she once worked with. We actually broached the subject with her several years ago when she was visiting us in Florida. She had always wanted to play with a girl so my wife let that happen, and then a 3-some happened and later, in subsequent visits, we took her to Trapeze several times. None of Mrs Doc's kids know and her only sister (who's almost as sexy as my wife but who has some puritanical sexual views ) would be appalled!

 

We don't hide the fact that we're swingers but we're careful too since SWFL is much less cosmopolitan than Philly or Miami.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I answered a few years ago, but by way of an update, it's still just our play partners. The single woman we sometimes play with locally doesn't even know, although she could very well suspect, she does not ask. Some people probably wouldn't be surprised, but between possible difficulties with judgmental people and also local creeps thinking it's their turn, it's not something we care to have out there in our daily lives. So far, we've kept MFM and couples swapping far away from the house.

[oc1234 435]

In these times, does having an active sex life even matter. Both of our sons are now married, but each had active sex lives before they were married. I'm sure both of them know we have played around too just from the fact that our best friends were open about having sex with others. Even though we don't advertise it, we don't go out of our way to hide it either.  We have never been very active but we have had a very longterm history of playing with our best male friend and have also played with one of his good friends. Most of the time when we played with our best friend, we have recorded it on video. My wife has also played alone with him alone many times and usually has recorded video of it. We have told him he is free to show the videos to any of his friends. One time one of his coworkers was wanting old VHS video tapes because he had some use for the screws holding them together. We were getting rid or some old tapes and thought we had not gotten rid of our sex tapes. His friend discovered we had given him a tape of my wife and me having sex. He returned the tape to our friend. When we heard about it, we told our friend to give him a DVD of some of our sex tapes, even ones where we were playing with our friend. We are also very long term and very open nudists. Being a nudist seems to be more 'scandalous' than swinging.

 

We are now in our mid 70s and my wife and I have health problems that keep us from swinging, but that's the only thing that has stopped us.

[couplers 4,655]

There are different levels of knowing.  Since we live in a poly family with kids, it's hard to hide everything.  People know that we all live together on a large property with a large old house and a guest quarters.  People can and do assume what they want, from just a convenient living arrangement to everyone being intimate.  The kids schools know some things, our doctors and our parents (because of the grandchildren) know more.  We live in a liberal part of the country, corporations have a respectful "live and let live" policy, and since we otherwise behave normally and conservatively, no one cares. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,394]

We're pretty private about it but you can't hide everything from your neighbors. Let's just say they've seen a few things.

Also we like to go to the nudie beach here in NJ and, although rare, we have encountered people there we know from 'normal life'.  This doesn't necessarily out you as a swinger but when we met one of my wife's co-workers there with his wife they happily offered up in conversation that they swing so we fessed up too.

That wound up being a misktake bc this led to him making multiple propositions at my wife at work and she doesn't want to mix things up that way.  

[kittyswinger 260]

We don't tell anybody about our swinging activities or poly arrangement.  When SO and I were actively swinging with others, I sometimes ran into someone I know in hotel elevators or in a a dining place when I was dating with another alone.  Probably they must be thinking that I was just fooling around.  On another city where my boyfriend lives, a couple friend of his knew because we played with them a few times.  Recently, I feel my sister suspects somethings up because I was always out on weekends when she calls our house.  Eventually some family members will have to know if our poly living arrangements change, but I have to make sure that the swinging part will be kept under wraps.

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

We're pretty private about it but you can't hide everything from your neighbors. Let's just say they've seen a few things.

Also we like to go to the nudie beach here in NJ and, although rare, we have encountered people there we know from 'normal life'.  This doesn't necessarily out you as a swinger but when we met one of my wife's co-workers there with his wife they happily offered up in conversation that they swing so we fessed up too.

That wound up being a misktake bc this led to him making multiple propositions at my wife at work and she doesn't want to mix things up that way.  

That person is not a swonger. To go behind your back after your wife. He is just a cheater.