Total neglect....

[Newswing12 16]

We are totally new to this and had our first foursome a couple nights ago. Please let me start by saying that I (the wife) had not been with another man in almost 20 years. MFF were the only playing we had done up to this point. We were very comfortable with the couple and they're very experienced. My husband and I are in this to play together but had agreed to be full swap. When the time came and we had separated into couples (him with the other woman and me with the other man) he had issues with staying hard. This had happened once before with a MFF and it seemed like the more I focused on him the worse it got because it seemed like I was making a big deal out of it instead of just letting nature takes its course...however later talking to him he said it is just the opposite and that he wanted my help because I am the one who could help him. But this time I didn't really step in. As a matter of fact I continued to have sex with the other guy. I do not know why I didn't just place all of my focus on my husband. I can't explain it. I have NEVER done that. He has always been the center of my attention and my focus the same way I have always been his. He is crushed! He feels totally neglected and as though I didn't care if he was there or not. This is not at all how I intended this to be. I wanted him there but for some reason I focused on the other man more. I am trying my hardest to understand what happened. Has anyone else ever experienced this??? How do I make sure my husband knows that he IS my world and that I don't ever want this to happen again.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Now I don't know your husband but, if it were me, I'd read your post here and understand. Hey, we men know how something new, sexually, can affect your better judgement in the heat of the moment! Just keep reassuring him and let time heal. It sounds like you have a good marriage and good marriages survive all.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm trying to put myself in your husband's shoes, and unless you were somehow callous toward me about it, I think I'd be have to be pretty understanding.

 

With that said, if you've never done MFMF before, and never done MFM, the question is whether he was stressed out about being with the other woman without you or if he was stressed out about you being with the other man. That could greatly influence how he's reacting to this. If the woman just wasn't that interesting to me, no harm, no foul. If I was having some trouble with the idea of my partner playing with another man and that was frustrating my play with a woman I could enjoy, I'd probably have some feelings about it.

[CandDinCo 69]

The simple answer is to be open and honest with him. You said you feel terrible about it. Tell HIM. Apologize for not helping. Next time this happens, he needs to tell you so you can help.

 

This is similar to my issue in the getting the wife to talk thread. You both have to be open with your feelings. In the other thread, I tried to guess what my wife was feeling. I was completely wrong. Sounds like your man is doing the same thing. He is wrong about your feelings too. But he won't know that unless you let him know what your true feelings are.

[2NoLimit 95]

As experienced as you stated the other couple is, doesn't sound like it. I would have expected the other couple to be able to read you guys. But like someone else mentioned in the heat of the moment things happen. Take it as a learning experience, and have a safe word to stop all activities and stick to it.

 

As far as showing your other how much you care about him, show him your post (it's very sincere).

 

Best of luck to you both.

[angelkin 1,326]

I am going to take a bit of a different track here...yes, he needed your "help". However, "Total Neglect" isn't what happened here...you were enjoying your experience with the other hubby and he could have made his own frustrating experience with the other wife enjoyable as well. Even though we (as couples) swing together, we (as individuals) are each responsible for our own fun - and especially during a full swap (same or separate rooms).

 

To be honest, I've been in this same situation in a previous relationship. It got to the point I didn't want to swing because I was too concerned for his fun and I wasn't having any trying to read his cues, subtle signs, and resurrect his erection. It's completely distracting to have to keep glancing over to see that your partner is having a good time - or worse, stopping your fun to go lend a hand.

 

If he needed some assistance, he should have asked for it...or let you know in some way. You are not a mind reader! I would surmise that your husband is feeling neglected but also frustrated, confused, betrayed (by his cock) and a plethora of other feeling unrelated to you or your response. But outside of safety, he alone is responsible for his own good time. There's plenty of ways to have fun even with a limp cock.

 

You also mentioned that you usually swap together, assuming you full swap, same bed? This time you stepped outside your comfort zone and opted for the full swap in further proximity. How did you come to that decision? Have you considered separate room play? Sometimes moving into separate rooms allows us freedoms to explore more authentically. If this is a pattern it's probably going to be an ongoing issue unless he can discern what makes his member lukewarm on the idea.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. You've apologized to your husband, now let it go. Later you two should talk about how to manage this issue in the future.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I'm surprised that nobody has brought this up yet...

 

Sometimes a man's eyes will tell his brain 'look what I'm seeing, can you believe it?' and the brain will say 'why no, I don't believe it. Especially since my wife is here and what I'm seeing is NOT ALLOWED!'. Then, quite possibly for his first time, his 'little buddy' is asleep when he should be paying attention. He overlooks this issue the first time, but when it happens for the second time...all that advertising for little pills comes back to mind and he has now caught ED (dun, dun, dunnnnn). It can really mess with a man's mind and once he starting worrying about it, it usually will just become worse. Fortunately, thanks to several multi-billion dollar advertising campaigns (that usually helped cause the problem in the first place) there's a pill for this. An expensive, usually hard to ask your doctor for pill (but doctors are used to being asked).

 

It's not your fault. It just happens. You need to let it go since you apologized for it. Learn from it and just make sure that it doesn't happen again. If he doesn't already know that he is your world (and you his) and you don't remind each other on a regular basis, you have much bigger issues. Talk to him and I'm sure it will be just fine.

[Initwithher 40]

Don't really mean to hijack the question here, but I have a similar issue that happened with my wife playing MFM, this was our second mfm experience, on the way to hotel she asked me if I had any concerns or rules that she should be aware of. I said only thing I see is I don't want to be left out from playing altogether for the entire time, since it's a big turn on for me, and I said that I understand you and him the SM would like alone time at some point while I just watch or take a break, I am ok with that. But when play started I felt I got left alone for quite while and bothered me, next day I mentioned my wife that it did bothered me that I was just forgotten ( although it was my idea of wanting her to enjoy the experience fully) yes it had started some discussion, my wife's response was , well you wanted me to enjoy the experience and I was just doing that. She said she was in the heat of the moment and she would never do anything to make me uncomfortable, which I believe her with all my heart we been together over 30 years and our sex life and relationships of the chart great,asking the question to more experienced swinger fellows am I been unreasonable or how can I overcome something like this? Opinions greatly appreciated

[padoc 1,703]

Our theory is "its just sex". One or the other of us has, on occasion, had a much better time in a swap or 3-some situation than the other. After a few experiences where feelings got a bit hurt we decided to simply accept that not everything is even or fair all the time. We take what pleasure we find but in those instances where its not quite even, we take more pleasure in knowing our partner is having a blast. Then we go home, take a shower or dip in the pool, critique the evening (or afternoon) and go to sleep. After all, it really IS just sex.

[HoustonCple 23]

Perhaps he had some anxiety? As I posted before I refrain from: porn, masterbation, five days before a planned encounter.

Another helpful tool are the long lasting ED medications. Yes, I'm one of those that uses the Indian pharmacies and thus far has had great success. But purchase at your risk if you go down that road.

The other behavior change I adopted is controlling my alcohol intake. If drinking make sure to drink plenty of water between drinks.

 

Lastly, the wife and I always start with each other. We both know each other's bodies and how to get our energy going. Then we swap into other activities.

 

Just some suggestions, as said before, sometimes one partner has more fun than the other. Don't feel guilty for that. Good lesson and now you have some great advice from the replies going forward.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

She said she was in the heat of the moment and she would never do anything to make me uncomfortable, which I believe her with all my heart we been together over 30 years and our sex life and relationships of the chart great,asking the question to more experienced swinger fellows am I been unreasonable or how can I overcome something like this?

 

This was the first time it happened, you then told her about it and the two of you talked about it. It sounds like she is now better aware of what you need and (I assume) will be more attentive in the future. There is nothing to be concerned about unless it continues to happen. There really isn't anything to overcome. Either the next time the two of you are paying more attention to each other 'in the moment' or she does the same thing again. If it is the first, then there isn't a problem, if it is the second, then there IS a problem. One time is a mistake, an accident. Something happening again and again is a problem. If you are both okay with it, give it another try and see what happens.

[Initwithher 40]

This was the first time it happened, you then told her about it and the two of you talked about it. It sounds like she is now better aware of what you need and (I assume) will be more attentive in the future. There is nothing to be concerned about unless it continues to happen. There really isn't anything to overcome. Either the next time the two of you are paying more attention to each other 'in the moment' or she does the same thing again. If it is the first, then there isn't a problem, if it is the second, then there IS a problem. One time is a mistake, an accident. Something happening again and again is a problem. If you are both okay with it, give it another try and see what happens.

First of all let me thank you for your comment really appreciate it and helped, yes after that incident we got together again none of those issues happened, but it wasn't fun like it was before, after we played the next night we talked about how the last night experience was for both of us she said it was fine and I said that as well but it wasn't what I expected, she said why? I said because I didn't see that you enjoyed the play that much as you did the first time, she said yes because I wasn't going to make you feel uncomfortable again that's why i held back,, I stated that my intention was to both of us have fun at the same time maybe one of us more or less, but both of us, so we are as of now working on getting comfortable with that so both of us can enjoy it at same levels, after all I really enjoy seeing her to let loose and experience what this LS offers, now she saying maybe she should try to get comfortable with her self she suggested that she should have alone time with him in he's room while I wait in our room then she can come back to our room and we can have fun, I am asking this, is this the way to handle the awkwardness by playing alone in separate room?? Or would you suggest some other way??

I hope I explained my question openly.

Any thoughts would be appreciated,

[BnA588 18]

...

I hope I explained my question openly.

Any thoughts would be appreciated,

 

First off, open and honest, we are newbies. However, my wife and I did a lot of homework before we even thought of a first encounter. Hours of talking, sharing fantasies, and setting some goals and rules. One of our steadfast rules is we will not play alone. We will each be present when play happens. Our short time in the LS has been an experience to say the least. Some good, some not so good, but none either of us has said was bad.

 

How to handle the awkwardness is going to be a personal decision. Some couples do play alone. Personally, I have ED issues, but my wife, who adores me, is good at hiding that little issue while enjoying the experience. There have been nights when I have fallen short, and other times when things were up standing. On the bad nights, I simply sat back and enjoyed my wife having fun. I do get a lot of pleasure seeing her being pleasuresd.

 

Do my emotions sometimes get me? Yes, but that is when I remind myself that it nothing more than a toy and she will always be my wife and Queen and I am her husband, king, master. Just as in certain nights it will be me playing and her watching, she is assured that my love for her is always going to be, and I am just using a toy.

 

To be in this LS and married takes commitment, and more honest and open communication that anything. Talk, communicate, love, hold, and never be jealous. Enjoy those times seeing your wife as she is being pleasured. Just as I am sure she will be as pleasured seeing you deeply pleasured by another woman.

[Alura 2,774]

"Shouldadones" don't count," my old pappy was fond of saying. Laura and liked this philosophy so much we included it in our wedding vows. Accept what happened and move on.

 

Personal advice the Husband: You are responsible for your own needs. I would suggest, if dysfunction threatens, kiss your partner, pull her closely and stroke her back. If her tongue finds it's way between her lips, suck it gently. Don't be in a hurry. Let your kisses roam to her neck, particularly that spot near the jawbone, below the ear. Let your tongue flutter over her earlobe on your way back to her lips. Stroke her abdomen. As her legs part, find her pussy and press it warmly with your open palm. Starting at the membrane that separates the vagina and anus, slowly working your way up, lightly touching her clit when your fingers finally arrive. Work your fingers around her vagina, further smoothing back the labia. Ease your middle and ring fingers into her wetness and saturate both fingers. Linger a while at this, using your palm to lightly touch her clit. Kiss her lips. Drag your sopping hand across her abdomen and paint a wet circle around each nipple. Break the kiss, look Mrs. Playmate in the eye and suck her juices from your fingers. Another kiss on the lips, and the next delightful journey begins. Lick the juices off her nipples and follow the taste trail to your goal. Tend to the labia again, this time with your tongue. This needs to be done until she cackles. My late wife was fond of shouting, "Somebody FUCK ME!" about this time. What? You have a raging hard-on? It worked for me, too.

 

Mrs. Newswing: Keep doing what you are doing. Although the distraction may have caused you to enjoy your experience with Mr. Playmate less, I think you did the right thing. My late wife once said, "It wasn't great, Darling, but it was sex. I came. How bad could it be?"

 

Good luck to both of you.

 

Alura

[machiavel55 81]

First off, open and honest, we are newbies. However, my wife and I did a lot of homework before we even thought of a first encounter. Hours of talking, sharing fantasies, and setting some goals and rules. One of our steadfast rules is we will not play alone. We will each be present when play happens. Our short time in the LS has been an experience to say the least. Some good, some not so good, but none either of us has said was bad.

 

How to handle the awkwardness is going to be a personal decision. Some couples do play alone. Personally, I have ED issues, but my wife, who adores me, is good at hiding that little issue while enjoying the experience. There have been nights when I have fallen short, and other times when things were up standing. On the bad nights, I simply sat back and enjoyed my wife having fun. I do get a lot of pleasure seeing her being pleasuresd.

 

Do my emotions sometimes get me? Yes, but that is when I remind myself that it nothing more than a toy and she will always be my wife and Queen and I am her husband, king, master. Just as in certain nights it will be me playing and her watching, she is assured that my love for her is always going to be, and I am just using a toy.

 

To be in this LS and married takes commitment, and more honest and open communication that anything. Talk, communicate, love, hold, and never be jealous. Enjoy those times seeing your wife as she is being pleasured. Just as I am sure she will be as pleasured seeing you deeply pleasured by another woman.

 

 

I really liked your post and your positive attitude. I spent many years in and out of the LS.

We all feel, while with the 'one', the person we consider our soulmate or whatever image/name of the perfect life partner one has, we all feel that it is so amazing that it can never die, that our SO feels the same way and no matter what problem we face, what temptation comes in his/her life, our SO will never leave us.

But there is no guarantee.

Before you think that I'm bitter, I'm not saying that because it happened to me....of course I've cried over women and women have cried or wanted to kill me....lol...I've been blessed by a few amazing LTR with amazing women including my ex-wife.

For most couples who have good first experiences in the LS and who continue, their posts (if they do post of course) are very positive and if someone tells them that things can change very fast and to be vigilant, well, most brush it off....you don't know us or our relationship, our love is this, that, etc....

I've read a lot of men say they are not worried about another man pleasing their wife more than they (the hubby) do....or that the other man will always be just a toy....that it's only sex....etc...all those statements are very naive and wrong.

I wish you the best!