Body image and doubt

[cSwing 45]

Hello All,

 

I have posted on this subject in the recent months, mainly because I am now seeing what my body looks like after two pregnancies, and nursing two children for a total of 15 months.

 

Ladies, you can attest to this that we don't look the same after that. That's my issue, I don't look the same and while my husband met me after I had already had my daughter, we had a son together, and my body has slightly changed, yet again. My husband swears I am beautiful. In a sense, I buy into it because I feel there are flattering parts of me (not my breasts or stomach though).

 

My issue is now despite the relationship we have, his word, and actions towards me..it isn't the same. How can any man admit that they would prefer their loose stomach-skinned and droopy breast wife over a taut tummy, perkier model with less bags under her eyes? I am expecting a flood of men (and women) to come sweeping into answer this with the whole "Because he loves you" "you gave him children" "Appearances fade" "he loves you for you" caveat and to a sense I believe what you're saying; however, comma, pause...I am not naive. This can't be his true preference and desire and I hate the idea that something I can't change anymore is what makes me less desirable in comparison to potential, more physically appealing play partners.

 

I'm at a loss of what do. How to feel. So much so that I've scheduled a consultation with a plastic surgeon. I just can't find 100% validity and sincerity in my heart to believe his statements. Hell, if I was a husband and I watched first hand what my wife had to endure to bring forth life, I wouldn't tell her she looked bad either. Lord have mercy the wrath men would suffer. But you have to know that we question our appearances after such a traumatizing experience (trauma as in body changes).

[Lionheart72 2,191]

By fortunately chance, shortly after my wife had our child, I happened to acquire a new digital camera. With a little coaxing, she let me take some sexy pictures of her and post them on a website that catered to amateur sexy pictures. She'd probably never admit it, but I truly believe the resulting comments showing that a wide variety of strangers on the internet were jerking off to the sight of her post-baby body helped her self-esteem quite a lot.

 

So, I honestly submit - as a husband, a father and a swinger - you can be his true preference... not "because he loves you" or "you gave him children" or "he loves you for you" but because he truly, genuinely can find you sexually desirable. I know you're not in a place where you believe that right now, and I'm sorry for that, but it is possible.

[Guest 2B13RFUN]

You need to deal with your outlook of yourself.

[cSwing 45]

I'm trying too. It ain't that easy. Especially when it's only been a year. Things are loose that shouldn't be loose, and that no amount of cardio can fix, but I appreciate the sincerity.

[JandKinBoise 859]

It is a tough thing, but think of it as training. As you age, many awesome things will be stripped from you. You will look back and wish your saggy skin was your only problem with your body. Too many people spend too much time and money to maintain youth. Try to accept yourself as I'm sure your husband is accepting you. Resistance is futile.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

Forgive me for being blunt, but you may also wish to look into the possibility that you are suffering from postpartum depression. It is more common than we as a society admit, but treatable.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, he looks at you different because in addition to being his wife, you are now also the mother of his children. As for "How can any man admit that they would prefer their loose stomach-skinned and droopy breast wife over a taut tummy, perkier model with less bags under her eyes?", I happen to love the female body, especially one that has been used for it's intended purpose. While I LOVE breasts, I'll take 'droopy' over perky...it shows that you have lived. Bags under the eyes start to disappear shortly after the children move out of the house. I would rather have one 40YO woman over the 2 20YO women (of joke fame). It takes too much effort to teach the 2 20YOs what they need to know and it's almost impossible to get a word in edgewise anyway.

 

Don't be so critical with yourself. Your husband isn't a liar, is he? Then why can't you believe him when he tells you he loves how you look? Mature women are beautiful! True beauty radiates from inside anyways.

[MrSaxon 39]

As a husband of 16 years and a father of 3, I can definitely say that sometimes the physical changes can be alarming, but never unwelcome. We all are on a journey with the same end; and how you get there affects the vessel. My wife has always and forever been my best friend; but there have been periods where the physical has waned for whatever reasons (3 kids, 9 miscarriages will wreak havoc on a woman's body). That being said, my affection, love and attraction to her has also never been solely physical. As we all get older, needs do change and sometimes the "taut tummy tight package" 20 year olds simply get exhausting. Have you ever tried TALKING to somebody in their early 20s? IT'S TERRIBLE!! that being said, my wife is who I choose to be with and who I choose to express the vast majority of physicality with. Because she IS the mother of my children, she IS the woman I married, and she DOESN'T have a taut tummy anymore. Which is 400% ok.

[cSwing 45]

Every comment here has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the perspective. And yes, I have considered the possibility that it could be post-partum and that theory isn't off the table for me. However, I do think this may just be a common doubt and feeling among woman with children, especially when they are relatively young (5 and under). I will continue to work at this.

 

The conversation spawned. Between my husband and I and when asked if he'd take pre baby me or post baby me ( body wise) he said he'd choose the pre. However, he did say that if it were post baby me and another woman with the same attributes I wish I had, he'd still choose me. Respectable response. Honest but still reassuring. But that is what spawned it. He'd take me regardless, but he'd prefer the pre-baby me. I can't fault the man for his honesty, I guess it ties to don't ask questions you don't want the brutal honest answer too.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

After 3 children, some medical issues that affected her ability to maintain weight, and 30 years together, I would easily take my wife in her current form over anyone else. Truth be told, at approaching 50, she is about the same weight as she was during the last part of her last pregnancy (17 years ago). Perhaps she is just fortunate that everything stayed in proportion. So while she used to be svelte and slender, certain assets were also more svelte and slender. Her bra section of the walk in closet is a good testament (B before children, C/D after children). So, the overall package is still the most desirable person I know. And yes, 20 somethings are much more work, whether dating or interacting with them as off spring!

 

And that is where your husband probably is as well.

[BobGann 40]

I think the most beneficial thing you could do is to have some lifestyle fun and see just how many other men will be attracted to you - and they will. Don't think that everybody in the lifestyle has to look like the porn stars on Playboy's "Swingers" show - they don't.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

He might prefer the pre-baby you, but don't downplay that he WANTS the post-baby you. Seriously, would you take the younger husband or the older one. We all (thought we) looked better when we were younger. Still, the older version isn't bad.

[Numex 2,459]

I'll say it as I think it is.

 

You didn't mention anything about your swinging life, but part of the reason we like having casual sex with others (both my wife and I admit it) is that we are wanted just for our physical attractiveness and sexual attributes. Have you started swinging again? Guys will like your body and want to have sex with you, women too if you're into that. It will be validation what your husband is saying.

 

Second as we all know, it isn't just the appearance of a person, but their sexual performance or ability. For my wife and the other women I have the honor of fucking now, it has only gotten better over time. Yeah, maybe I think it would be nice to screw a nineteen year old, but it wouldn't feel as good as those women including my wife, who really really know what they're doing. Just a guy's perspective.

[shy_couple 460]

I'll say it as I think it is.

 

You didn't mention anything about your swinging life, but part of the reason we like having casual sex with others (both my wife and I admit it) is that we are wanted just for our physical attractiveness and sexual attributes. Have you started swinging again? Guys will like your body and want to have sex with you, women too if you're into that. It will be validation what your husband is saying.

 

Second as we all know, it isn't just the appearance of a person, but their sexual performance or ability. For my wife and the other women I have the honor of fucking now, it has only gotten better over time. Yeah, maybe I think it would be nice to screw a nineteen year old, but it wouldn't feel as good as those women including my wife, who really really know what they're doing. Just a guy's perspective.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Beauty is only skin deep, but sexiness is something that is projected from deep inside and usually has little to do with beauty.

[ncmd_couple 597]

I'm 59 and have effectively been married for 41 years. Got married at 18. Young women? Yeah, they are like a Ferrari, nice to look at, but who the hell wants to own one? My girlfriend has saggy boobs, she lost a lot of weight so she has wrinkles. C-section scar. All of the battle scars of life. Just like I am turning grey and losing my hair, don't have the muscle tone that I once had. Between us we have 5 kids and a passel of grand kids. She wants to get a boob job and tummy tuck. I don't want her to have either of those done. There is nothing more beautiful to me than her sitting on the deck naked, with all the faults that I don't give a damn about, sipping a cold beer watching the sun set.

 

There is one thing that you are not taking into consideration. Yes, we see the changes in you. But what we really see is the sexy 18-20 year old woman that is still there, underneath it all. And with all the changes, we wouldn't undo any of them. They are what make you the woman that you are!

 

Yes, there are men who don't accept that those changes are a part of life. They still long for that tight young 18-20 year old woman and you see them chase them. Damn fools if you ask me. I have a friend who is like that. I told him one day that he was like an old dog chasing a car. If he caught it, he wouldn't know what to do with it. Hahaha Your husband doesn't sound like he is one of those.

 

So stand proud babe. Revel in the mature loving woman that you are. I bet if you asked your hubby the right question, you would find out that his answer that to the question about which of your bodies he preferred is more that he wished that you were both younger and knew what you knew now....

[M1F2KTJ 473]

There is someone for everyone. You won't find them in your living room in your house. You might not be as unattractive as you might think.

 

You might not attract the man of your fantasies but I'm sure you can find a man to have a satisfying experience with.

[cSwing 45]

Hello All,

 

I appreciate you kind words of encouragement and I have spoken to my husband about. After lots of consideration and thought, I have decided to go ahead and get a breast procedure done. I had a consultation with a provider who assured me that I did have some significant sagging due to pregnancy and nursing etc. so I've elected to have it done mid-September. I am not doing it for my husband, but more so for myself. I hate feeling this negatively about my post-baby body and want to feel confident again in my ability to be sexy. So, out with the old, and in with the new. Thanks so much again.

[haroldpare 17]

Be thankful you have options. I have body image issues and insecurities; however, since I'm a guy, there's nothing I can do about it.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

After lots of consideration and thought, I have decided to go ahead and get a breast procedure done.

 

I think if surgery is for you and not for anyone else, then it can be the right decision. It's easy for a lack of self-confidence in one area to bleed over into other areas of your life, so if you feel confident the procedure is going to help with that, then that's probably a decision you will be happy with.

 

Back to your original question about how can any woman with X,Y, or Z issue compete with a woman who doesn't have those. As a guy, I'll tell you the answer - if someone thinks I'm sexy then it's almost a given I'm going to think that about them with very few exceptions, and when those exceptions happen, it's going to be about personality, not physical. It's kind of what was mentioned above about sexiness comes from within. I don't think anyone will figure out how chemistry between two people fully works, but I do know for a fact it's not a number on a scale, whether you look the same now as you did five years ago, etc.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We still think that you need to visit a club or a nudist resort before you continue. Witness first hand what we all have suggested and then make up your mind. If you still feel the way you do, then go for it. Have hubby take a picture (neck down) and post it here and we'll let you know what we see. Just make sure that the issue is just this. Too many people think that if they 'fix' a body issue, it will fix how they actually feel about themselves.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

We agree with GoldCOCouple, post a pic from the neck down (dressed not dressed, in lingerie, what have ya), and let us (most likely) tell you that you are being too hard on yourself.

[IntoTheNew 24]

It's sad what our culture has told everyone about the value of youth, and how attractiveness and sexiness fade, or only belong to a small group of people, and only so long as they fall into very specific parameters.

 

We're new here and into the lifestyle. I'm not any sort of expert. But I know that, as I'm browsing profiles for who to contact, I'm looking at people, not at bodies. And people are damn sexy and attractive. If I see a spark in someone's eye, a cute face, or something about their personality grabs me...I couldn't care less if they're soft around the middle or saggy somewhere. They're already sexy to me before I even find that much out.

 

Real people are sexy. Loving life is sexy. Having a fit body is... Having a fit body. And it doesn't necessarily mean you'll be sexy, attractive or desirable.