Experienced Swingers: Would you swing with newbies?

[lcmim 1,082]

WE wish someone would set a definitive standard for "soft swap".

For us there is a pretty wide range. Everything from no contact, watch only to absolutely everything but intercourse with orgasms all around.

 

 We willingly meet and play with newbies. Those are separate concepts.

 

Meet can take a bit of time if they are still thinking things through. Being there to answer questions  and propose a few, if we think that there are missing something is a privilege. Our first meet back in the day never turned into play. We owe that couple a debt of gratitude. They normalized the whole thing for us. Somehow though, it would seem a bit like fucking our godparents .

 

Playing with newbies can take some thought and finesse.

We will not have intercourse on the initial dates. "Do no harm " is our motto here.  We encourage them to set a conservative pace at the outset, encouraging them that we will not be disappointed. We want to be good for them as a couple. Things seem to flow naturally even if occasionally we have to pump the brakes if things start to get beyond their expressed comfort level.

 

Our experience has been smiles all around, and good, relaxed, breakfast conversation the morning after.

[NC_Seniors 518]

Our first experience was with a couple who’d been at it for 20 years. They let us set our own pace and it turned out to be full swap. Remembering the way they handled us, why wouldn’t we “pay it forward” to newbies?

[ROCKlandCpl 451]

We were all newbies so thank you to the couple we met and the  couples who made the experience easy for those who like us didn’t know where to start. I say we hit the lottery of swingers looking to expand into a sexual unknown. No pressure, plenty of talking and very concerned with our questions the people we met had experience with other newbies. 
We couldn’t be the first for a newbie when we first started, we were asked. We didn’t want to ruin a first time for a friend who learned we started swinging. I thought if something went wrong we would lose a friend. We have no regrets introducing our friends to the wonderful couple who we met for our first. The new dynamic is we are all friends now. 

[Numex 2,415]

What constitutes a "Newbie" is an interesting question.  To me, even a couple who has been monogamously married for a decade but they have otherwise had a liberal sexual past before they were married, say with multiple sexual partners going at the same time, non-romantic sex, etc. are not so much newbies.  One couple in our closed group of married couples was like that, and despite misgivings by some, had no problem going full-on swapping after joining our group.

 

On the other hand, a couple who had no sexually open relationships in their past unmarried lives wouldn't fit in and would need a slower introduction.

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

On 9/26/2008 at 7:11 PM, Pepper & Drew said:

This may not be diplomatic or fair, but newbies scare the crap outta me. Most of our 'this-was-so-bad-that-it-will-make-a-great-story-to-tell-at-swinger-parties-without-naming-names' situations have been with newbies. I'm uncomfortable because I'm wondering if they're going too far too fast. I worry about whether there will be jealousy between them, and whether a fight will break out during play. I worry that they don't understand the concept of swinger discretion. I'm apprehensive that the guy will have performance anxiety and will freak out about it because it's never happened before.

 

For the most part, I'm not interested in playing with newbies, just because it's too much to worry about. Just like I'd rather not ride with a 16 year old that just got their license last week, there's a confidence, comfort level, and improved "swing skills" that evolve when a couple has had some experience under their belt. It's nothing personal, and while we wouldn't totally rule it out, it's not on the top of the list of things to do. And yes, I know that we were newbies once too.

 

Pepper

You're certainly not wrong.  Also, you are allowed to have expectations for what makes your evening great. You're allowed that. After all, you're providing some really great sex.   The concern with many newbies, is that they take sex wayyyyy too seriously.  You can be allowed to just have it a fun night. Yet, because most, if not all, of the sex they have had is based on having some type of relationship or longer term expectation, they are out of their environment. And when someone cannot process their environment, drama happens. It was a long time ago and I certainly did not typically have one night stands, but he was just what I needed and we had a great night of pure sex. He never had a one night stand and I dare say I provided him the best sex he ever had. The next morning, as 'm leaving, he says, "When can I see you again ?" I had to say,"Oh , Sweetie, we're never going to see each other again and that's okay". I'm fine having physcal intimacy over intellectual intimacy. Most of the population, when they try and play like that, get severely 'burned'.  Most humans are simply not 'wired' for it. It's neither good nor bad, just another aspect of human relationships.